Financial Abuse?

[emma6776]

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

You should have your name on the deeds regardless of whether you are married - just because you don't earn as much does not mKe your contribution worth any less.

The worst worst thing of it all is you paid all the childcare.

But he paid for everything else, which is more, so as far as he is concerned, she's got a better deal than him.

Of the three most obvious models of fairness, (1) equal contribution (capitalism), (2) equal benefit (communism) and (3) pro rata contributions (socialism) he is applying (1), so what anyone earns is irrelevant. (Merely saying how he thinks, not endorsing it.)

Good luck with your chat op. I'm not going to call abuse like many do so easily here , but I will say it needs resolving to the satisfaction of you both.

I think using a clear strategy with home and family finances is so important and it looks like things have been unbalanced for a while in your case.

For example , my DP and I put our earnings into the family pot (joint savings) work out what needs paying out for our family , shopping , kids clothes , bills , savings each , savings for family holiday. After this we split what's left and that's our play money.

We do have to sit with a calculator at the beginning of each month as I'm on maternity leave so our income varies and we're obviously on a tighter budget because of this but it means neither of us has to "ask" for cash. We also run big purchases by the other. Basically we are open about money and before we moved in together decided that we would discuss it freely when the other felt the need.

I'm not telling you this as a stealth boost op , I'm telling you this because my exh did actually financially abuse me. I left him with my kids and the clothes on our backs. Nothing was in my name when we were together and he talked me into being a sahm when for years so he could pursue a career. He did not share his income and I ended up out of work for so long that I had to start at the bottom as a single parent when I left him. He stitched me up op. I will not allow that to happen again.

Learn from my mistakes , be clever , and grab your financial independence back now!

I think you need to discuss having a separate joint account for all 'family expenses. That way you are not discussing him giving you money etc. I feel I would be looking at all the family everyday expenses, including the food budget as well as all the expenses with regard to your daughter. Ten you can look at a consensus and be taking out money from this account for all the family. I personally look at each person giving a % of their income into this joint account but that could be problematic from his point of view but I would point out why you are earning much less - maternity leave, looking after your child etc. you should not be penalised for this.

Yes, he has been building his assets, but also paying for all food and medical insurance.
I am struggling to understand how you could be in a serious relationship for 9 years, with a child together, and think it's "grabby" to want to be on the deeds?
Possibly its because you don't have any sense of any of these costs being paid for by you. (Of course you have been paying with your non earning time doing childcare ). That's why you need to see living costs as shared, even if the proportion you pay is an 8th of his, you should be sharing the mortgage/bills etc. Basically you need to be living as 2 adults in a partnership, not patent and child.
I also agree that if you are planning to stay together you should get married. Doesn't have to be a wedding, but a quick trip to the registry office would protect you in the future.

OP, can you prepare for your discussion by writing down (in factual bullet points) all of the issues.

Disparity in disposable income
Your vulnerability property and savings wise if you separate
The ridiculous situation over you having to walk to work, use 4-month old contacts, no specs.
Etc.

Write down your suggested solutions.
Ask him if he feels the situation has been fair for the past 4 years, if he feels proud of himself that he has a 2k watch and you have had to go cap in hand to him for help covering his child's childcare.
Tell him you want financial equality and respect from him. You should never have to worry about money while he is earning 80k.

Then see how he reacts to what you say. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Don't just look at your salary at the moment, look ahead. I presume that he has - already - built up a good pension for himself while you won't have been able to. If you separate he won't have any legal obligation to support you now or in the future. You - and he - must see that you have taken a massive financial hit in order to raise your joint child!

Of course, you are completely entitled not to want to marry, but you would be in a MUCH more secure financial position if you were married. Do think about it.

Grabby? My God woman, wise up.

Are you a partnership? You have 'paid' because you paid childcare for a child you both had together. You have 'paid' because your contribution enables him to work full time.

Has she taken a "massive hit" though? I don't get the impression she was earning that much prior to children (correct me if wrong) and 1k a month for 3 days a week doesn't say career to me, it says job. (Only on MN does everyone have a "career"!)
All of which is totally fine, but I think this should stay factual.
The main issue is that they are a family, but are not living like one.

Whether she has taken a massive hit or not is irrelevant. She doesn't enjoy the same financial security or available money as her DP.

I get the impression from all of OPs replies that nothing anyone says is going to make a blind bit of difference.

She's defending and excusing what he's doing so I doubt this thread will have any impact at all. She seems to not want to hear a bad word said about him. As a previous poster said, he's got her exactly where he wants her.

OP - I know you will ignore this or choose not to accept it, but what your DH is doing is so wrong. I think you know it but at the same time you don't want to hear it.

Good luck OP - though if I'm honest I can see him talking his way out of it all and you'll just continue to accept whatever he says and does and let him carry on as he is.

Does he value his money more than he values you? That's the way it seems on the surface, from what you've said. Is that really a deal you can live with?

Does he know you're risking a serious eye infection and your sight because of ok'd contacts? Does he know you're driving his precious child around wearing an old prescription whilst he checks his shiny new watch?

If you aren't going to get married you need to wise up and sort this situation.

He's not 'lovely' he's a selfish neglectful arse!

Old not ok'd!

It's also illegal to drive without correct prescription glasses! I'm genuinely shocked that you are defending his behaviour.

I don't drive

Have to actually spoken to him about this? I suggest you lay out all the figures and show him how unfair everything is. If he really is 'lovely' he will be keen to sort things out..

Myself and my husband have always shared our money in a joint account ever since we lived together so the whole paying separately for things is alien to me. It is hard to tell from this. Does he know what you earn or how you struggle have you actually told him? He may just be a typical man and can't see what is under his nose. Tell him.

Yes. Speak to him op. Don't let this continue like this because you could be absolutely kicking yourself in years to come. Value yourself and your huge contribution to family life made by bringing up your dc.

does he go to sport/gym activity, do you ?
does he drive/have a car?, wold you like to drive?
does he go on holiday with the boys?

these questions will help us understand

@Regularsizedrudy there's no need to swear at me. You absolutely can get prescription glasses for £20 a pair or less. GIYF.

I don't understand people saying "he earns more so should pay more". I'm almost certain that mortgage, utilities, CT, pension, insurances and food come to way more than £400 a month (from £1000) the OP was paying for childcare. Looking at it the other way, I'm sure it added up to more than 40% of his pay, in which case it is a perfectly fair division. OP is paying one bill, he is paying all the others.

People bitching about my use of destitute, the dictionary definition is: extremely poor and lacking the means to provide for oneself, not "can't afford a handbag this month". The OP has a house, food, and an income. She is not fucking destitute. She ran up £2000 of credit card debt that he paid off. How many of you would do that for your partner?

OP, what I really don't understand is why you are moaning about this after the fact. You've said yourself that your childcare bill is now £70 a month, while your partner is still paying for everything else. What do you want? A refund for the last few years? Why didn't you mention it at the time?

I've never asked my dh for money and never will. What a humiliating way to live. As far as I'm concerned the minute I pushed one of his babies out I was entitled to have access to everything he earns. We are a team and have a joint account. His money is my money. I have been a sahm and a worker. Partners who withhold money from the parents of their children are incredibly mean.

You absolutely can get prescription glasses for £20 a pair or less. GIYF.

Link?

That sounds more like the off the peg reading glasses in supermarkets. You might well get 'prescriptions' for standard -1 reading glasses for that price but I don't believe you can get anything particularly complex without evidence.

Additionally the quality of frame you get in those cheap reading glasses is adequate for part time use, not suitable for someone who needs them all the time.

Glasses for complex prescriptions and full time wear can be multi hundreds not tens of UKP

Wombkingthree - I suppose what I want is acknowledgement of my contribution over the past few years and, ideally, to be added to the house deeds. Going forward I don't need access to family money as what I earn, now DD is in school, is sufficient.
I've started to consider how our finances are ordered when he asked me to look over our draft Will last week & I realised that our (his?) entire saving are in either his or DD's name. I also (stupidly) thought I was on house deeds until I saw this. Anyway I'm going to discuss this all with him tonight. I'm really grateful for everyone's replies and suggestions.

So tonight I will ask him to;

• pay for my glasses (I have astigmatism so even with the very cheapest frames this can be £100+ once my prescription is factored in
• To be added to the house deeds