Financial Abuse?

[emma6776]

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

Papafran is spot on. You're not married and it's not on the cards whilst he can milk you for free. I don't know why it is you're not wed, but have a strong suspicion that its financially motivated (on his side).

You'll never have rights over what is legally his home. Financially, your best bet is to ditch your love goggles, LTB and have him provide for your child.

You do realise he takes home roughly 4.5k per month?

How anyone can do what he does is beyond me.

Why oh why are you not on the mortgage?

You literally have nothing. He is greedy and selfish.

Why on earth does he expect a child to arrive and not factor in the cost?

You have allowed him to get away with this for far too long.

Advise him that things need to change and soon.

In your shoes I would be demanding further access to his finances or I would simply plan my escape route

How could he happily know (does he know????) that you're having to walk to work because you can't afford the bus fare, and putting your eyesight at risk by wearing those lenses for what four times longer than they're meant to be worn? Who could be happy with that? What a wanker.

I suppose I could understand there being some possible demarcation in his mind if DD wasn't 'his' (although of course even that would be wrong) but she's both of yours - so you shouldn't be struggling for anything at all and any cost's for DD should be 50/50 or 80/20 based on who earns the most!

My XH would never have asked about childcare costs because he was a lazy arsehole.

But when I said "right, nursery is going to be £800 a month, I'll set up a Direct Debit from our bills account, and you need to increase your monthly standing order into it by £400" he would have done just that.

I can't understand how you have spent years just paying childcare alone (less the £124 CCV - which means you must have had some conversation about how to pay for childcare)

Stop telling him you have no money left. He is hearing "I've spent all my money on crap". Tell him how much he needs to transfer to your account on payday, which would ideally be half of all the costs associated with your daughter.

People who are asking why the OP pays childcare etc? Well he pays all the utilities and mortgage and main food shopping, so I don't entirely think he is leaving the OP destitute. You can buy a pair of prescription glasses for less than £20 online.

This is madness. He lets you , the mother of his child, eBay stuff to make ends meet, walk everywhere when you can't afford the bus, you pay all of childcare costs, you need new glasses and he's swanning around with a 2k watch on his wrist. ????? Seriously??? You have no savings for when the shit hits the fan, not married and the house is in his name?
Maybe you have sleepwalked into this situation, I don't know, but this isn't right and yes you need to have the conversation about how things should be split more evenly and your name on the house. I think you're leaving yourself wide open here.

You are being financially abused and you're not married so you have no rights here.

From what I understand, he could ask out to leave at any point and you would have no right to stay in the family home (his home).

You have sacrificed years of earning potential to support his ambitions and your joint family and will have nothing to show for it. You need to change this situation as soon as possible.

Brittbugs80 it has nothing to do with being a mind reader. What the fuck does he think she lives on when she pays the entire child care costs? Fresh air? He should give her equal access to a joint account or transfer an adequate amount of money to her each month without OP having to beg him for it. She can't even afford her fricking bus fare or medical treatment for god's sake. She is in a dire situation and this shit is taking full advantage of it.

Men who are complicit in their partners giving up work to look after their children (and forever compromising their careers) should be ashamed of themselves if they at the same time keep the home and finances in their sole names. She is making a sacrifice for you- how about you repay the favour (given the amount the woman will lose over a lifetime, giving someone a half share in your home is small-fry)

Sit him down with your last few months bank statements, and explain how hard it is for you to manage what you need and that you are going without. And be truthful that as you earn so little in comparison to him, you feel it is unfair. That puts the ball into his court then. If he carries on the way you are, then walk away. But I'd give him the chance first if you are happy in other ways.

Wombling - op may be able to get some glasses for £20. It doesn't sound like she even has that. And so what - the DH can buy a watch for less than £2k. He didn't though.

My DH would never let me scrimp and save and eBay my stuff if he had money for luxuries. We can have chats about money without it becoming tense as we're a partnership. The fact that the op can't is worrying

Wombling - he is kind of leaving her destitute because she has almost nothing left over at the end of the month. He on the other hand despite paying mortgage and food shopping, does. Enough to recently buy a 2k watch. He should be paying the greater share and enabling her to at least put savings away and be legally secure in that house with her name on the mortgage alongside his. She is the mother of his child. Why wouldn't he do that???

Ffs...that's not a lovely man...why are you putting up with that...that's just awful..nasty man.

I think you need to protect yourself by getting a full time job and saving. (Then hit him with the childcare bill as he should then be contributing towards it) As you are not married, if you do split up one day, he is only legally obligated to provide for his child, not you.

As he earns significantly more, I think he should be contributibg more.

DP. and I don’t have joint accounts but we have split everything 50-50 as we earn roughly the same.

OP, do you think he would put your name on the mortgage? I think once you've asked this question you will know what you need to do. Please don't put up with this, you could manage on your own and he'd have to pay you substantial child maintenance on that salary.

Yes as others have said, this is financial abuse. I'm worried as your name isn't on the house and not married which I'm sure suits him fine. Ive seen this in the past with my parents when my father had control of the money, giving my mother a pittence every week. She had to shop in charity shops, scrimping about for bargains, using any savings she had to get by. It will get worse unless you do something to change it
What a selfish b***d, buying a 2 grand watch while you need basics like glasses. Does he buy you anything? Good luck, try and be strong although know its hard

Sounds like a peach.
I would also sit him down & say
I cannot continue like this.
I work, & I do all household jobs, = full time job
You work = full time job
You buy shit to show off,
I walk to work & risk infection due to lenses.
I don't know how you see things, but we are not married, I am not on the mortgage, I am basically a second rate maid.
Do you want to share like a loving supportive partner,
If not I can only see one solution
have a little think about it, I am going out for th day, here is DC
See you this evening.
Toodle ooo

I'm sorry ,but I would of left long ago rather than put up with that....when you live together you share the costs of yr child ,each putting in what they can ,you share the remaining money left over each month equally,so no one is left walking to work ,or without essentials such as glasses.. would of assumed I wasn't loved in such a situation,as I would never do that to someone I loved...op if you insist on staying with this man.you need 3 things.marriage,to go the mortgage,and a card on the joint account...anything less ,walk away

emma

He is unreasonable and enjoys too the power and control he has here.
I doubt very much as well he will ever put you on the mortgage let alone marry you.

No two ways about it, he is financially abusing you here. Womens Aid are well worth talking to in such circumstances and I would think he is abusive towards you in other ways as well. WA's number is 0808 2000 247. You need to ultimately leave this man because he will not change.

Is this really what you want to teach your child here about relationships. Do not let your DD also grow up thinking that yes this is how men and women do behave in relationships.

You should post this in relationships as well; this is a relationships issue as much as anything else and you will get advice there too.

So he earns his money, spends it on his stuff, saves up money and has a house you are not even on the mortgage of.

You on the other hand spend money on childcare so you can work, all the activities for your daughter and have no access to family money. And let me guess do a lot of the chores etc of a house that isnt yours.

How can he possibly make you feel unreasonable. You need to clearly set out the fact that actually you would be financially better off without him and you need security - name on mortgage, joint account access to savings so you are a partnership

Sorry off topic but can you fuck buy glasses for £20. Maybe generic reading glasses but not a personal prescription.

If I loved someone with all my heart and soul, there is no way I would be brandishing a 2K watch in front of them when I knew they needed glasses. No way. Their eyesight would be my first priority.

So sad to read this.

Easier said than done to get a full time job when you have children in the mix.

Op is it possible for you to increase your hours at work? In the first instance I'd be doing that and then set up a different account for your wages to go into. Have just re read your opening post , why does he have the family savings in his and daughters name? He is actively avoiding sharing access of savings with you. How did this get agreed upon? Was this his idea? Sorry for all the questions but I can't get my head around all this. Your situation is not right.

Yes you are being financially abused.

You are not on the mortgage so have no hold over your home.

I think you would better off single.

Me and my partner aren't married. We jointly own the house, his salary pays for everything and he has never begrudged giving me anything. This is the way it should be. You have his child.

emma

You are basically unequal, trapped and controlled in this relationship.

You really do need to leave this man before he further destroys you and in turn your child. She cannot afford to grow up learning that men control women like you are being.

"otherwise lovely"

Every time I see that phrase, or the dreaded "but he's a great dad otherwise" it seems to be about a partner who is abusive in some way or at the least, bloody selfish. What kind of adult buys themselves expensive trinkets whilst their partner can't afford transport to work or glasses? You should not need to go cap in hand for this stuff.

OP you have taken a massive financial hit by having a child. You have not only lost a large part of your income but also the pension contributions you would make. You also have no growing interest in a capital asset as he owns the capital - its his house is growing in value.

If you are not married and have children you need to renegotiate the financial arrangements and put them on a more equal footing. At the moment you could well be better off financially if you left him.

You are not his partner, you are his housekeeper and nanny with benefits (to him).