Financial Abuse?

[emma6776]

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

But his entire savings are his & DDs, that is deliberate.
Does he think you are going to run off with "his" money ?

No, at least I don't think so!

No don't ask him to pay for the glasses. What happens next time you have a big expense, or fancy some new boots or DD needs a new winter coat or you'd like to learn to drive .... etc?
Pleas don't keep the situation as it is, with you having to ask him for money as a favour.
Get your finances and investments properly sorted, in a fair way that leaves you both with disposable income and a secure future.
If you just ask him for the glasses, you're never going to get him to face that things aren't fair, equal or secure for you. Stop being the junior partner in this relationship.

Have you asked him why the savings aren't in both your and his names???? Why aren't you concerned about this! ? I think you are terribly naive. Sorry.

Aside from the glasses and being on the deeds you also need to ask for:

• not having to ask for any bloody money in the future for Christ's sakes - you're just gonna go forward with the same plan of having to ask for everything and be given permission and then waiting meekly for the money to be given to you - if he deigns it to be an acceptable request. What if the washing machine breaks next week - will you have to go cap in hand and ask for the money for that as well. FUCK THAT - you should be outraged for yourself OP that you've been asking for money in the past, your're asking for money now, and you're gonna KEEP asking for money going forward (or so it seems) - the one and only major change you need to make is to get a flipping arrangement in place with joint bank account/regular bills account etc that you DON'T EVER HAVE TO ASK!!!!!!!! Christopher Columbus and Christ on a bike - THIS is what you need to sort out - and I think you're going to keep asking and avoiding actually tackling this subject because you know it's not going to be well received or is going to be poo-pooed
• She's your DD too - the savings for her should be in her name or in both your guys names. And again, you shouldn't have to ASK

OP I don't think you can see the wood for the trees here I really don't.

I think as well as the house deeds you need to discuss strategy to build up some savings in your own name. I'm married and our finances are joint, but I still have a few thousand that is in my name alone. It's all very well him wittering on about you being well cared for if he dies, but what does he expect you to live on while your wait for probate?

FFS, no one said anything about a complex prescription. This is a typical example of posters making up shit as they go along. The OP said "a pair of glasses".

I bought DD a pair of single vision glasses, -3/-3.75 .25/.5 185/28, distance, for £10 with a code from Goggles4u. I regularly buy glasses from Glassesdirect, -4.25/-4.75, -.25/-.5, 28/150, distance, when MSE have 2 for £19 or £29 codes. There's no point telling me it doesn't happen, when it does. They aren't reading glasses. And as for demanding a link? Is your Google broken?

Not everyone has joint bank accounts keeponworking my parents never ever had them. Plus she isn't paying for childcare any longer so the ship of not having enough each month has sailed.

don't think he realise that he is being in any way abusive - the way he sees it we have a nice home in a nice area, food on the table etc - I'm hardly destitute

I'd say the majority of abusive men are 'unaware' they're abusive. Ignorance of the law is no defence to a crime.

Key reasons they're unaware is that they have no conscience, no consideration for their partner, and think they're entitled to their behaviour. The fact he's not aware his behaviour is shitty doesn't excuse him it simply makes him a shitty person.

You didn't have glasses you needed while he bought himself a ludicrously expensive watch and shuts down any discussion of money as he wants it all for himself. He has no conscience, no ethics and no real love for you.

While I think it's a good thing you're not married as it makes it easier to get away, you have been very naive on the marriage issue and increased the financial vulnerability of your position considerably.

Now OP has clarified that childcare was actually 400 a month, I'm really struggling to see what her DH has done wrong. That left her £600 a month to spend - with all bills covered. I can quite justifiably believe that her DH thought that was plenty. Does he know how much childcare costs? There are always posts on Mn from mums who haven't realised how expensive it can be until they look into it. It may be that he was even under the impression that childcare was covered by the CCV if OP never explicitly mentioned it.

His reaction will tell you who is is. Dh is a sahd there is no way I'd be buying a 2k watch whilst he risks his eyesight wearing lenses for four months. I'd be devastated if he felt he needed to do that. Just because I earn more does not make him and our children second class citizens.

does he know you are ebaying your things to make ends meet? What does he say about that? To be honest if dh said that I'd wonder why the fuck he felt the need to.

Also it sounds like he is pretty savvy financially - I bet he is putting money into your dd savings because until recently he had to pay 40% tax on interest. Wonder why he didn't put it in your name when you weren't paying tax? (Most of our savings were in dh name for tax purposes). Are the savings for her or are they his?

Asda do reduced thickness lenses at no extra cost for high prescriptions.

Op he is not lovely! He is leaving you in poverty, you cannot even afford glasses, whilst he splashes out on a £2k watch. You are struggling with the basics whilst he is in luxury. Have you had an honest and frank talk about your dire situation, and how much you are struggling. It is unfair, he should be helping you out as a loving partner, and providing for his children (helping to pay childcare, activities etc).

does he know you are ebaying your things to make ends meet? What does he say about that? To be honest if dh said that I'd wonder why the fuck he felt the need to.

Isn't it normal to eBay stuff that's sellable it isn't just something that broke people do....? So he may well have thought nothing about it at all.

If he is so lovely, then he will rectify the situation very quickly!

Yes people do eBay, but surely it's come up in conversation that she is ebaying because she has run out of money.

If he isn't aware then I am sure he will be mortified that she couldn't afford bus fares, ebayed her things and wore her lenses for 4 months risking her vision. The conversation tonight will be very telling.

Op do you feel guilty asking him to foot the bills?

Sorry op my post was talking about you, not to you. I really hope your conversation goes well tonight. Good luck.

FFS, no one said anything about a complex prescription. This is a typical example of posters making up shit as they go along

No one said it was a simple prescription either. You made that assumption when you told her she could get her glasses for 20ukp without so much as a caveat.

If you make a claim its up to you to back it up not to everyone else to disprove it.

Redsky: "Now OP has clarified that childcare was actually 400 a month, I'm really struggling to see what her DH has done wrong. That left her £600 a month to spend "

She was making £500/mth to initially, which would have left her £100/mth. Her earnings did eventually go up to £1000/mth, but I don't know how recent that was.

I just can't get past the fact he has put savings in his and daughters names and you are not named on mortgage.

Oh yeah and you only recently found that out whilst you were going over the draft will. The will he has presumably had drawn up without consultation with you.

Obviously there is a big disparity between how much they earn, op says she earns £1000 per months, which is not much when she deducts childcare, clubs, transport, vets.

aeroflot she isn't paying for childcare anymore, although this has previously been an issue. DP pays for all the mortgage, bills and food. She also gets child benefit that DP pays back.

The issue moving forward is that she has no savings and isn't on the house deeds so basically has no security and will be stuffed if they split up.

But.....but....OP, you've taken on WAY more than your share of the household bills here. And, even though your salary has gone up, you're probably still doing that:

• If you were single, and childless, wouldn't you be working way more hours? And wouldn't you have taken more steps to rise up the career ladder and earn more money? You've probably made a lot of career sacrifices for your child, and your husband- sacrifices that make his life a damn sight easier. If you were to go back to work fulltime, and take the opportunities that you've missed, would his lifestyle be as pleasant as it is? Or would he suddenly have to do the shopping/ take the kids to school etc.?

If the answers to any of those questions are yes, then your DP is not pulling his weight financially in your household. His is not actually being realistic about the work that you do which is necessary in order to prop up his lifestyle.

Get yourself a joint bank account, or go and get a fulltime job that has long hours (that last one seems like the better option for your mental health!)

And for goodness sake, get married!

Increasinglymiddleaged your parents may not have had this arrangement and that's fine of course it is, but a lot of people have a setup where they have a joint account where all the bills come out of plus their own accounts for any spending money type stuff. It would be a better solution for OP than what she has now - she shouldn't have to ask for money like a beggar!

Whether OP is paying for childcare or not is not a really relevant piece of information in the scheme of things - having to ask for money all the time is WRONG, not being on the deeds is WRONG, having to sell stuff on eBay in order to make ends meet is WRONG, having to walk to work because you can't afford the bus fare is WRONG, her daughter's savings being in his name only is WRONG.

"Hurry up and marry him" Curioushorse? Why in God's name would she do that until she sees how he reacts to her conversation with him?

Although I firmly suspect/predict that OP will have a wishy-washy chat and ask permission (again) for various things and her situation won't change one single jot.

Thus she will remain in the vulnerable position she is in now should they split - her no longer paying so much childcare is, actually, pretty irrelevant to the bigger picture of the financial/legal landscape of this couple overall which has all the control and power from one person to the obvious detriment to OP who seems to be getting treated as a doormat really - but it's not going to get better OP unless you take this bull by the horns and stop asking and start telling what YOU want, not asking please sir, can I have some more.

I honestly do hope that you can manage to change things - when I was with my DH we thought we'd be together forever. Things don't always turn out like that though, and then you can be in the poop if you've not been savvy with a view of looking out for yourself - your other half most certainly is looking out for himself that's for sure.

Of course the childcare is relevant, if you read the thread the OP has said she now has enough money month to month . In terms of joint account there is more than one way of doing things, some people manage finances perfectly well without one.

The issue moving forward (rather than harping on about the past which cannot be changed) is that the OP needs security, she currently has none.