Financial Abuse?

[emma6776]

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

He's not lovely, he's a dick. You're not married, not on mortgage, you have nothing. You'd be much, much better off if you were single. There is nothing lovely about this man. And there's no point in talking to him about finances because he knows the score. He's not stupid or clueless or just doesn't realise. Of course he does. Get a FT job, tell him he has to pay a fair share for childcare and then leave him because yeah, he's financially abusive.

As is often said on these boards, what do you actually get out of this relationship?

Your child will have financial protection, should you decide to leave. Go for 50/50 - insist on it! Don't get married now. This is a relationship that is never going to be good for you.

You sound resourceful and capable - you have been forced to take these measures.

Book a chat with several local reputable firms of solicitors. Then go with the best one - trust your instincts on the solicitors.

He's financially abusive, a total douche, and in no way lovely. Other than the ccv coming out of his pay, having a child has had no financial impact on him whatsoever. Who fritters £2k on shite knowing their partner has to walk to work?! Prick.

Sorry, You don't need a solicitor.
You are primary carer, there is no questioning that.
Make an aptmt with the CAB, find out about getting maintenance etc.
Move out

What would happen if you sat down and said to him that you feel the current financial situation isn't fair and that you are struggling every month to cover the basic necessities. Would he refuse to discuss it? Or point blank refuse to contribute more to the family outgoings? If so, I think it's FA and you need to really consider the relationship. If it's a case of you not wanting to bring the subject up because it's awkward and you're worried about his reaction then I think you need to be brave and just do it as you can't carry on living like that.

In answer to some of the questions (haven't had a chance to read all replies yet)

• no he isn't controlling in any other way. He's a very hands on father, I go on plenty of nights out when I can afford them, he pays me compliments, was very supportive when I went back to study
• I don't think he realise that he is being in any way abusive - the way he sees it we have a nice home in a nice area, food on the table etc - I'm hardly destitute
• in addition to my salary I still have child benefit paid into my account & he pays this back through his tax return - his idea
• he's provided very well for me in the event of his death - house, shares and finances all come to me
• he pays for life insurance, private medical and critical care for me from his account

-I have broached finances several times - he'll then normally transfer about £100 into my account and then not raise it again until I do.

• I like the idea of the spreadsheet because I think he genuinely has no idea how much things cost.
• As DD has now started school my childcare bill has gone down from £100's to about £70 per month so my salary will now be more than sufficient to cover most of my needs - it's just the past 5 years I feel that I've 'lost' out on.
• In answer to a pp, when I was on Mat leave I got SMP only and no, he didn't give me any extra (including when I was on nil pay) however he did pay of my credit card bill of about £2k so I didn't have massive outgoings.

Don't go for 50/50 child living arrangements because he will not have to pay maintenance then. He sounds like he has it all figured out and he is playing on your naivety and niceness............he's a fuckwitt!!

OP it sounds as if you're chalking this up as him being clueless. In which case, take steps to protect your financial future, including being put on the house deeds. If he doesn't want to do that then either he doesn't see a future with you or doesn't care enough to protect your future. If that's the case, you would be much better to leave and develop your own capital (if it's an option now).

(And let's not forget the 5 years of pension you've lost either)

For God's sake op, listen to everyone on here. This is not reasonable, normal or kind behaviour from him!

Do that spreadsheet and sit him down and talk him through it. Does he know that you've been walking because you can't afford the bus? Is he happily accepting of that?

Is there something in your upbringing that makes you think that it's ok to be treated like a second class citizen in a relationship?

So he's made provisions for you if he dies ? That's good but what if you split? Ask for the money for the glasses asap.

So during a period where you had a 9
Month old baby you had no access to money?

Provided for in death means nothing if you are insecure now - you could leave tomorrow and he could change his will a few hours later, leaving everything to a cat sanctuary.

Have you had a proper conversation? Not one where you pussy foot around, one where you say 'this financial arrangement is fundamentally unfair, we are not sharing finances like a family and I refuse to carry on like this'?

Of course he will have to pay maintenance - given the disparity in income! I know someone with 50/50 and she gets maintenance because he earns more than she does.

The first priority is the child. He will be rubbing his hands in glee if you go for every other weekend. He won't then have to pay for university fees. That will be left to the state.

Oh and you can bet your bottom dollar that he won't be happy with 50/50.

Brittbugs80 it has nothing to do with being a mind reader. What the fuck does he think she lives on when she pays the entire child care costs? Fresh air

So use common sense then. If you don't tell someone something, how are they meant to know? If she doesn't ask or volunteer information, how the fuck is he supposed to know?

My DH isn't an "abuser" in real life, though by the dramatics on here he would be considered one because if I was struggling for money then I'd ask, I wouldn't expect him to see if everything was being covered and I didn't say anything different.

No he is not lovely. He is a selfish mean controlling scumbag. There is no point in sharing a life with somebody like this unless you want to carry on being miserable for the rest of your life.

Good about him providing for you if he dies, but what about if the relationship breaks down? You know that you will be left with absolutely nothing, don't you?

I don't want to be nasty, but WHY are you accepting the crumbs from his table and not insisting on an equal relationship?

Emma

You in this relationship are trapped, unequal and controlled. Ultimately your only way out is to leave him as unpalatable and daunting as it may seem to you.

He is and has indeed played on your own niceness and naiveity here and has you completely over a barrel. He knows all too well what he is playing at here and is playing you for a fool. Does your DD have his surname too?.

Re your comments in quote marks:-

"no he isn't controlling in any other way. He's a very hands on father, I go on plenty of nights out when I can afford them, he pays me compliments, was very supportive when I went back to study "

When is this man ever a hands on father. He is NOT a good dad to his DD if he keeps you as her mother in penury. And as you have not been able to afford them you have not been on many nights out say in the last year or so. How many nights out has he had?. He lives the life of financial ease at your own expense and he really does use you as free labour. As for paying you compliments well everyone does that in a relationship, its the barest of bare minimums. Of course he was supportive re your studying; he still controlled the purse strings and had you still beholden to him.

"- I don't think he realise that he is being in any way abusive - the way he sees it we have a nice home in a nice area, food on the table etc - I'm hardly destitute"

He knows exactly what he is doing here. He sees his role as the Big Man, the star of his play which is he. He cares not a jot for you or his child for that matter. He's hardly destitute but as for you you're walking around being unable to see properly for want of a pair of glasses!.

" in addition to my salary I still have child benefit paid into my account & he pays this back through his tax return - his idea"

His idea indeed and a questionable one at that. Shows also how grasping of money he is as well.

"he's provided very well for me in the event of his death - house, shares and finances all come to me"

Where is the evidence of this?. How do you know?. You are not on the mortgage and have you actually seen the will i.e. was this drawn up in a Solicitors office with your full knowledge and in your presence?.

" he pays for life insurance, private medical and critical care for me from his account"

Again how does this benefit you, where is the evidence that he is doing this for you?

I would also think that his £100 transfer now and again to your account is his primary way of shutting you up. Its not enough to live on is it?.

He gives you an allowance of £100

Elendon - maintenance? You know they aren't married, don't you?

He can revoke his will within minutes. That gives you no security at all. Why will he not provide for you during his lifetime?

So he 'lets' you go out (doesn't pay for it)? Is he meant to get a medal for that?

He let you survive on benefits when you were on maternity leave, looking after his child?

There is nothing redeeming about him. He realises exactly what he is doing but thinks he can get away with it. You're supposed to be a partnership, but you are effectively living in poverty while he lives the high life.

How soon before your relationship started did he buy 'his' house?

So use common sense then. If you don't tell someone something, how are they meant to know? If she doesn't ask or volunteer information, how the fuck is he supposed to know?

She does ask him and he gives her the bare minimum. Yes, that is abusive to leave someone without access to funds. How is he supposed to know? Well how about he uses HIS common sense that his DP is paying all the childcare, earns less than a quarter of what he does and asks him for money for medical bills. In any decent person, that would register that maybe she is not so flush.

Plus do you know how degrading it is to have to ask for money?

Wow brittbugs

Are you the dp???

Why the fuck would the OP have to ask for help with childcare costs?

Errm yeah that's who I am...

Because he probably didn't even think about the childcare costs as she chose to pay and carry on without asking for help.

That's why should have fucking asked!!

Unless there's going to be the mother of all drip feeds where she comes back post after post and drops titbits in such as I asked and he said no, he never gives me help when I ask, he hides my bank card and only gives me £5 a week.

Unless you ask or make a problem known nothing ever gets fucking sorted.

Communication is actually a useful tool if you use it. Obviously posting on here automatically renders any Husband an abuser all because the poster couldn't ask first and has never raised the topic before.

I actually find it quite insulting the amount of times abuse is used on this forum. Every relationship is an abusive one according to the pearl clutchers on here and common sense is ignored.

Of course he will have to pay maintenance - given the disparity in income! I know someone with 50/50 and she gets maintenance because he earns more than she does

The first priority is the child. He will be rubbing his hands in glee if you go for every other weekend. He won't then have to pay for university fees. That will be left to the state

What are you talking about, Elendon? They aren't married so he does not have to pay any maintenance to the OP and she won't have a share of his house either if they split up.

The kid is 5. What do university fees have to do with it? They are usually covered by a student loan anyway, not parents.

Child maintenance is mandatory, whether the parents are married or not.

Student loans will not cover expenses if the parents earn a lot. It has been like that for decades now.

You get grants if you are a child from a low income family.

Elendon - he would have to support his child, but would not have to pay the op a penny.