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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial Abuse?

216 replies

emma6776 · 17/09/2017 08:41

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 17/09/2017 10:16

He sounds bloody awful.

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 10:17

She does ask him and he gives her the bare minimum. Yes, that is abusive to leave someone without access to funds. How is he supposed to know? Well how about he uses HIS common sense that his DP is paying all the childcare, earns less than a quarter of what he does and asks him for money for medical bills. In any decent person, that would register that maybe she is not so flush
Plus do you know how degrading it is to have to ask for money

She asked for £150, she got £150.

And I absolutely do know how degrading it is.

My ex used to hide my bank card from me. I used to ask for money and he would withdraw it, and hide it somewhere in the house. If I found it, I got to keep it, if I didn't then tough. He used to hide £10 notes in easy places but would tear them up into small unrepairable pieces that I couldn't use.

Sometimes I would search the house and find 10p.

For three years I had no money or access to money. I got given three meals a day, I was too scared to talk to anyone, I wasn't allowed to work, I didn't have any keys for the house, I used to climb out the living room window with DS to get fresh air and go the park. DS was incredibly well looked after, new clothes, nursery fees paid, never went without.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2017 10:17

Having to go cap in hand like a latter day Oliver Twist to some man for enough money to get to work. Please do not tolerate this situation another minute. It's too humiliating for words.

Papafran · 17/09/2017 10:17

Because he probably didn't even think about the childcare costs as she chose to pay and carry on without asking for help

So he has a child, knows child is being cared for by someone but is unable to put two and two together and realise that his DP is paying the bill? Also, are you hard of reading? The OP has brought money up several times. He gives her £100 to shut her up. He knows full well what the score is and he doesn't WANT to give her equal access to funds and doesn't want to put her name on the mortgage.

This IS an abusive situation. If you live like this too and want to kid yourself that it's normal, that's up to you. But a decent man would ensure that his DP has equal rights in the home and that she has enough money to live on.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2017 10:17

Kill him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/09/2017 10:18

And I can see this individual trying to duck out of paying anything than the bare minimum for child maintenance.

Elendon · 17/09/2017 10:19

Wow!

You have a child and you care not how childcare is paid?

Why should someone you love and care for with your heart and soul, so much you have a child with them, that you think they have to ask?

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/09/2017 10:19

The mortgage situation is very worrying here. He is gradually acquiring a significant asset while you are not, and the longer the situation goes on, the more unequal it is. You bearing what should be a joint expense - your child's childcare - is allowing him to direct his money into buying a property for himself alone. (And have plenty left over for luxuries from the sound of it.) You have to get him to take responsibility for his child's care - at least in proportion to his income compared to yours. The trouble with this situation (which seems sadly common) is that you and your partner share the one most important thing in life - a child - but not the considerable expense of having that child.

But you are also a family now, whether or not you are married, and it is appalling that he would treat his partner and mother of his child in the way you describe, happily allowing you to lead a substandard lifestyle compared to his own. There is no concern for your happiness and wellbeing here at all. I agree with a pp's idea of making and showing him a spreadsheet, detailing all monthly outgoings from both your accounts and the surplus left in his. If this doesn't result in major changes, I would consider the relationship hopeless and make plans to leave.

Papafran · 17/09/2017 10:20

For three years I had no money or access to money. I got given three meals a day, I was too scared to talk to anyone, I wasn't allowed to work, I didn't have any keys for the house, I used to climb out the living room window with DS to get fresh air and go the park. DS was incredibly well looked after, new clothes, nursery fees paid, never went without

Then you, more than anyone, should understand what the OP is going through. It might not be as extreme as what you went through, but it is still abusive. Her bill cost £150 and he gave her the exact amount. Why is he unable to use his brain and realise how embarrassing it must be to have to beg for money and make sure she has access to a bank account with money in it?

This is a man who gave her NOTHING during maternity leave. Are you going to excuse him, saying he probably didn't realise the OP was not working during that time and that it's her fault for not asking him?

hooliodancer · 17/09/2017 10:21

You need to ensure that you are on the deeds of the house/mortgage.

Have you asked him to be on it before?

If he refuses to put your name on you will have your answer.

Mix56 · 17/09/2017 10:22

So you now have an extra £30 pm as DD is in school.
That's OK then ?

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 10:26

So he has a child, knows child is being cared for by someone but is unable to put two and two together and realise that his DP is paying the bill? Also, are you hard of reading? The OP has brought money up several times. He gives her £100 to shut her up. He knows full well what the score is and he doesn't WANT to give her equal access to funds and doesn't want to put her name on the mortgage

The way I see it from the limited info posted is she asks for the money when she has reached a desperation point and he has given it to her, the exact amount she has asked for.

That doesn't make me hard of reading at all. Just because I don't tow the abuse line, doesn't mean I can't understand her situation, I've been there.

Should the whole conversation about finance and childcare costs been discussed before needed rather than left to fester then decided it's abusive?

Walkingdead11 · 17/09/2017 10:28

Elendon

If child living arrangements are 50/50 neither parent has to pay maintenance. If they were married he may have to pay spousal support. They are not married.

Papafran · 17/09/2017 10:29

Should the whole conversation about finance and childcare costs been discussed before needed rather than left to fester then decided it's abusive?

It is abusive because she has raised it several times, been given a token amount and been made to feel unreasonable. He knows that there is an issue but he will only respond in the most minimal fashion when she gets truly desperate. She was given nothing for the whole time she was not earning- how could he not realise that she was not getting an income? If you have been there yourself, why are you sticking up for this man? If they split up, he could kick her out with no notice.

LagunaBubbles · 17/09/2017 10:31

You now sound as if you are in denial OP. Good luck, you're going to need it.

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 10:31

Then you, more than anyone, should understand what the OP is going through. It might not be as extreme as what you went through, but it is still abusive. Her bill cost £150 and he gave her the exact amount

So if she needed more, why not ask? She has said before she gets what she asks for. Yes shouldn't have to ask or go begging but at the same time, would it not be better to have the awkward discussion so you knew where you stood?

Why is he unable to use his brain and realise how embarrassing it must be to have to beg for money and make sure she has access to a bank account with money in it?

Because it can just be as simple as men just don't realised. But I've learned from the private messages I have received on here from one nutter of a user that men are the spawn of Satan and every part of their behaviour is abusive and thought out and planned. He just may not realise. My DH doesn't always realise things until I spell it out. Doesn't make him a contingency abuser.

This is a man who gave her NOTHING during maternity leave. Are you going to excuse him, saying he probably didn't realise the OP was not working during that time and that it's her fault for not asking him

I'm not excusing anything but this just reiterates how important communication is.

Zadig · 17/09/2017 10:32

Brittbugs - I'm sorry to hear what you went through but no, the OP should absolutely not have to spell out her financial situation to the 'D'P. It should be bloody obvious! She is the mother of his child fgs, not his flat mate!
This kind of set-up is ridiculous and I can't believe it.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 10:33

Maybe because you have been the brittbugs you can minimise this, but he is not treating his partner as an equal. It's NOT the right way to treat someone you love and share a child with.

Original poster
emma6776 · 17/09/2017 10:34

Mix56 - no, I have between £200-£400 extra now, depending on how many weeks are in the month.

To address pp mentioning us not being married - it was/is me that doesn't want to get married - I never have (to anyone, not just DP). I would have a civil partnership if that became legal for straight people. I only mention this as several ppl have assumed that DP doesn't want to get married so I don't get recourse to finances if we split up.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 17/09/2017 10:34

She should not have to ASK for money!

They are a family, she should have equal access to funds.

I have no idea how you can not sort all of this out before having children. It's just asking for all of this nonsense.

HopefullyAnonymous · 17/09/2017 10:35

It's not clear at all what the other living expenses are and how they are paid; mortgage, utilities, food, council tax, tv, phones etc etc. I am solely responsible for childcare costs, DH would'nt be able to offer more than a rough guess as to how much. He pays for everything else.

The op may be in a situation of financial abuse but I don't think there's enough info here to say.

Moanyoldcow · 17/09/2017 10:37

Why don't you want to get married? Not 'goady' - genuinely curiosity.

I wasn't desperate to get married and neither was my DH but I recognised that it's the most sensible thing if you plan to have children and then work part time.

Walkingdead11 · 17/09/2017 10:38

OP, have you ever asked for your name to be put on the deeds?

HailLapin · 17/09/2017 10:39

I'm sorry op , what an awful situation you're in.

I'm not going to comment on the mortgage situation as I know little about this kind of thing. Did he buy the house when you were together , or did he have it pre-relationship and pay the deposit himself etc. That kind of stuff gets me in a muddle so please seek advice over this.

However regarding the payment of childcare fees , child activities etc he should be paying half as they are his children too. Also if he is able to save then you should be able to squirrel away the same % of your earnings. Also spare cash needs to sorted out , if he has play money , so should you. You look after the dc which enables him to have cash for trinkets , he's showing no respect for this.

I'd agree with others op , if he can't "hear" your pov then he's not a great husband and father as he's knowingly stitching up the mother of his dc!

Stand strong on this one and think seriously about whether you'd be better off as a single parent. If you do end up on your own please see this all as a lesson and never let yourself be backed into a financial corner again. Have things in your name , do not give up your ability to save for a rainy day and realise that childcare fees/busy work are the responsibility of both parents.

Good luck op and we'll done for getting to the end of your tether regarding this.

Papafran · 17/09/2017 10:40

OP, were you aware of the absence of legal rights in the home if you were not married though? If so, I am quite surprised that you have not made better financial provision for yourself and that you agree to go part time, knowing the catastrophic position you would be in if you split up.