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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled at this mum at the nursery?

216 replies

Xabirak · 14/09/2017 19:11

I drop my 4 years old to the nursery at breakfast time. As we habe a little rutine and I Stay until she's seated with her breakfast, we have no drama. None at all.
But every child/mum is different and some of them just cry the life out of them when leave. It's life.
Today a kid was particularly upset. It was a full drama to see her, and her poor mum.
So, when I was walking out of the room with said mum, I looked at her and said"it's just a phase, it will get better" I just tried to be comforting, didn't gave her any tips or spoke about my routine that works so well. I swear. Just said what I wrote.
And then I hear her saying"F**ck off"
"Excuse me?"
I'm a foreigner and thought, even having being here for 12 years, that my English failed me and didn't heard properly.
And then she looks at me and says"who gave you the right to talk about my child?"

Appalling.

Did I crossed some line I'm not aware of?????

OP posts:
E17Stowmum · 15/09/2017 21:33

Chances are she''s racist. Not nice but they probably exist in the country you grew up in too, I got a bit of it living abroad. You can challenge the individual, set a good example, teach your kids right. You can also go to the authorities but it's not a better idea than patience and slow progress.

Ogochukwu27 · 15/09/2017 21:50

YANBU. But in the future mind your business

Lellikelly26 · 15/09/2017 21:58

Can't believe people are telling op to mind her own business! She was being friendly! Op should avoid her she's obviously miserable and over-sensitive

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/09/2017 22:03

How depressing to think that reaching out to console a fellow parent is seen as interfering in someone's business.

Sparklyhousedust · 15/09/2017 22:16

I once actually wept with gratitude when someone said almost exactly that to me! I do feel sorry for the mum though, it's rubbish being that upset and angry. Being sympathetic was really nice of you OP but even nicer would be to carry on being pleasant in passing and not spread this round about her.

Viviennemary · 15/09/2017 22:29

She was horrible to you. And you did absolutely nothing wrong. But I expect she must be totally stressed out.

Rose87777 · 15/09/2017 22:41

I hope never encounter any of you who have said 'Next time: Mind your own business'. You sound lovely! Nahhhhht!

Ellisandra · 15/09/2017 22:55

She was rude and shouldn't have said fuck off.

But honestly, reading your OP and the impression I got from it, I'd have been thinking fuck off!

You sound really patronising and smug with your oh so perfect no drama routine.

My friend's son cried and begged her not to leave him at every single Nursery drop off for 4 years. 4 days a week for 4 years. Her little routine was to walk round the corner and phone the nursery who would confirm that yet again, the instant she was gone he was perfectly happy. She called every day for months. She ended up in tears herself in their office saying she was sorry she kept valling and bothering them for the same thing. They said, love, you carry on calling every day, it's fine.

Now she had the manners not to say fuck off. But by god if someone dismissed it as "just a phase" you probably would have heard her even THINKING fuck off!

Based on your OP, I expect you came across as more patronising than empathetic.

Let it go. She said fuck off, she shouldn't have. But it's hardly the end of the world!

Crazyunicornlady · 15/09/2017 22:57

I had a child just like that and if I'd seen your 'perfect' routine and had you try and reassure me in what does seem to be a smug way then I might have told you to fuck off too!

She was rude but perhaps you didn't come across the way you intended!

FeralBeryl · 15/09/2017 23:44

I am appalled too - by the amount of people that have decided that a person whose OP clearly states she is foreign (and is clearly written as such) is smug, irritating, patronising, should 'fuck off' because she was trying to comfort someone Shock^^ really?

I would have seen the comment similar to ones I've received in shops during one of the DCs meltdowns.
A sympathetic look or a well meaning comment is generally seen as The Done Thing in that situation so why ever not here?

Ladydepp · 15/09/2017 23:50

You were trying to be supportive, she was incredibly rude and hopefully regrets it. Maybe be she will apologise. If not, just ignore her and move on. She's not worth your head space.

FreshSet · 16/09/2017 00:00

clinging to my leg like I was dropping him off at Aushwitz, not nursery

Shock
MargaretTwatyer · 16/09/2017 00:20

I would have found it extremely rude actually. The OP describing it as a 'phase' would imply that the child regularly behaves like this and that it's bad enough for the OP to have noticed. The OP basically implied that her child is regularly badly behaved. It would have annoyed me too.

I don't mind the odd comment like 'Haven't we all been there', but to describe someone else's child as 'going through a phase' when you don't know them or their child way oversteps the mark. It could just have been one bad morning ffs. It wasn't vaguely helpful or supportive and sounds more like a jibe.

I would have said 'fuck off' with my inside voice too.

roseforarose · 16/09/2017 00:59

I remember when my dd had this awful tantrum in the doctors waiting room. If someone had said a few comforting words to me i'd have been overjoyed. There's no way in the world i could tell someone to fuck off when they were trying to be nice, no matter how stressed i was. Being stressed doesn't give you the right to be so rude and nasty. Aren't there some awful people.

Pregosaurus · 16/09/2017 01:15

I've never gone as far as to tell someone to fuck off but interfering in what is obviously a difficult, stressful situation for someone else is a bit daft - for every person who's relieved to have a bit of moral support, you'll have someone who has just had enough and doesn't need well meant words from someone they don't know.

Also, it is clear from your post that you think you're doing a good job and she's doing a bad job. I would bet money on that tone coming across in your comments.

haveacupoftea · 16/09/2017 01:19

Yeah she was rude. But your comment was the equivalent of 'smile, it might never happen.' Just after it has happened.

Topseyt · 16/09/2017 10:04

I don't think you were rude or patronising. You were trying to offer friendly reassurance.

My DD2 was a clinger and a screamer when she started preschool. Literally, by the sound of it you would have thought I was murdering her. Iactually ended up going to preschool with her and staying there. It went on like that for about 3 to 4 weeks, while I practised gradual withdrawal. Then, one morning, she just couldn't wait to get in there and raced off without even saying goodbye to me, and we never looked back.

During that time though, I was so relieved to have the support of the staff and empathy from the occasional other parent. I never spoke to anyone the way that woman spoke to you.

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 10:58

Thinking about it, the other mum had probably got really fed up of your routine and already thought of you as a smug mummy showing off your perfect routine whilst she was struggling. So you'd probably really got under her skin before you opened your mouth.

I would have felt the same, but I wouldn't have sworn at you. I'd have had a rant on mumsnet instead. Grin

nellieellie · 16/09/2017 11:04

I think reaching out to comfort others is fine. But, what the OP said was not just 'reaching out', it was dispensing probably entirely useless advice, which could have been seen as extremely smug and patronising. No, of course the woman should not have been rude and swore, and of course the OP was just trying to help. However, leaving a crying child can be just so so upsetting - it woukd have broken my heart. I remember a mum who had the same thing with her child through nursery and then up to year 3 in nursery. It made me cry to see. I wouldn't have dreamt to give advice, but I would sympathise and ask her if she was ok - once she had left the child, certainly not in the midst of it all. I think OP you shouldn't be surprised, and I think this isn't about you, it may be about a very distressed mum who doesn't know what to do.

nellieellie · 16/09/2017 11:05

...up to year 3 in primary school I meant......

46LivinglifeintheFastLane46 · 16/09/2017 11:42

Yes she may have been rude but you also come across very smug with your 'no drama' comment.
Maybe next time you feel like saying something to someone, no matter how light you feel it is, just say nothing.

Nomad2009 · 16/09/2017 12:41

Op was being kind to another mum, she's describing the scene at the nursery - what she did before said comment to rude mum, I don't think that is smug or showing off.
People who feel OP is smug and patronising sound resentful that another mum walks by leaving a happy child behind. It's not OP's fault that the other child cries, she made a harmless if unwelcomed comment in a supportive spirit, next time she will think twice before showing any sign of empathy to other strangers I mean, parents, especially as she's a foreigner as she felt the need to point out in her post.
The other mum was very rude and there is no excuse for that.

Oysterbabe · 16/09/2017 12:54

In that high stress situation I'd have found your comments smug and patronising. I'd have thought fuck off while fake smiling.

gotthemoononastick · 16/09/2017 13:05

I am the oldest on here! Forrin as well!Have learned over the years.
Here are the rules for London:

See hear and above all say nothing.Help or offer support to no other fuc.er.

Older men under no circs. help any child even if they are bleeding.People do not know you are a consultant paediatrician.

OP ,it will take a while to get over such a nasty retort. There is no 'village' here.

ruthieruthuk · 16/09/2017 13:13

Probably leave her to it in future, maybe trying to give her advice while she is dealing with a full on tantrum and worrying about getting to work on time is maybe not the best method, I wouldn't like it, as it's already a stressful situation n people lash out when they are stressed.. Did u offer her any help or were u just telling her what to do?