To be appalled at this mum at the nursery?

[Xabirak]

I drop my 4 years old to the nursery at breakfast time. As we habe a little rutine and I Stay until she's seated with her breakfast, we have no drama. None at all.
But every child/mum is different and some of them just cry the life out of them when leave. It's life.
Today a kid was particularly upset. It was a full drama to see her, and her poor mum.
So, when I was walking out of the room with said mum, I looked at her and said"it's just a phase, it will get better" I just tried to be comforting, didn't gave her any tips or spoke about my routine that works so well. I swear. Just said what I wrote.
And then I hear her saying"F**ck off"
"Excuse me?"
I'm a foreigner and thought, even having being here for 12 years, that my English failed me and didn't heard properly.
And then she looks at me and says"who gave you the right to talk about my child?"

Appalling.

Did I crossed some line I'm not aware of?????

She was horribly rude.

But...(I know)...you know when you stub your toe and you just want the whole world to leave you the hell alone?

No real excuse to be so rude though. I just find its easier to think "well it's clearly not about me, what an awful morning they must be having..."

I run a childminding business and would be horrified if a parent spoke to another parent like that. I expect the children to behave nicely towards one another and would certainly expect the same from the parents. She may be stressed but she was also very rude. I'd consider mentioning what happened to the nursery staff.

Whilst I wasn't literally this other mother I could be on any given day. She was wrong to swear at you and in front of the children and your well meaning words came from you trying to be kind. But if my DD had been screaming for the last half hour 'no mummy no' when I try and drop her off and having done so for the last 5 months I might be as unwelcoming of a stranger's advice as her. With my DD it isn't a phase. It hasn't got better and I'm trying my damned hardest to find another nursery for her. So whether you meant well or not I would not have had the emotional strength to be polite.

You were trying to be kind but you didn't walk in her shoes that day so cut her some slack. Ignore her. Don't even bother with smiling or pleasantries. But you don't know her situation and it really isn't worth trying.

I think Imwould view it as Colours did and think 'this isn't about me, they must be having a truly awful day'
I wouldn't respond with another 'fuck off yourself' which some people suggested....just escalates the tension. And actually I did t think I would tell the nursery staff either, if this was a one-off. I think I would decide it was rude and inappropriate but as a one-off, I could just move on from it. Telling the nursery staff would probably lead to them approaching the rude woman and creating further confrontation.

However, if anything similar happened again, I would consider telling the nursery staff.

One-off rudeness, even if totally undeserved, I can turn a blind eye to, put down to someone having a bad day and just move on from. When it's more than once or if you hear it's happening to other people too, then I think the nursery management need to call her on it.

YANBU at all.
For those of you who would have said the same thing but internally, well that's the difference between socially acceptable and unhinged behaviour, surely? We all might have those fuck off moments, but we don't say it to someone's face or in nursery really.

I hate it when people comment on me or my kids so I know you were trying to be nice but I woudn't have appreciated your comment. I'd have smiled and said 'Yeah' though, because I'm not a rude dickhead.

Very rude of her but she was probably totally stressed out and feeling very guilty and your well meaning comment just tipped her over the edge.

My dd used to scream her head off everyday at breakfast club and it was really really distressing. It wasn't 'drama' and me sitting with her would have just prolonged the inevitable. If you'd said from your calm seat to me that it was just a phase I think it would've really stressed me out more, I mean, what do you know? You haven't been through it! I would have been more reassured by another parent going through the same saying something like well this is hideous isn't it.
I wouldn't have sworn though, I'd have probably smiled through gritted teeth.
Just trying to offer another perspective.
And now dd is way way past that age I still wouldn't say something like that even with experience and hindsight. I wouldn't offer wisdom. Sympathy maybe.
As a teacher I have unpeeled children too. It's difficult for all involved and warrants a bit more than oh it's just a phase from someone who's lucky enough to have a more settled child!

Well you called attention to her child's tantrum, patronised her and acted like you had it all together with your perfect child ... no wonder she told you to fuck off

Jayne, so in light of how you feel, would you prefer or advise people not to make any passing comments or conversation with other mums that they don't know well?
I didn't think the OPs comment was a direct remark or judgement about the behaviour of the child or the parent, it was simply trying to be a sympathetic comment from one mum to another in my view. I accept that people can be having bad days and also that they can be overly sensitive when that's the case - again, a judgement needs to be made about when to speak and when not to and it's not always possible to get that absolutely right - people on here say they hate any comment and others have said they long for someone to speak to them.

Jayne, just out of interest and without meaning to sound rude, I just wonder if you look at how you feel when someone speaks to you and if you feel justified in feeling like that, and the person speaking to you is in the wrong, or if you look at how you feel and think your feelings are your own problem and not really caused by the OP?

Several people have said similar things to Jayne - they would feel a bit annoyed and think fuck off, whilst being restrained enough not to say it. I know that you feel how you feel at that specific moment, but do those of you who feel like that feel justified and annoyed at being spoken to or think the Op did nothing wrong and actually it's the person who hears the comment and feels antagonised by its problem?

I had someone say something like that to me whilst ds had a mad strop in John Lewis, "don't worry they grow out of it, it's just a phase". My response was "I doubt it, he has autism". I've regretted it ever since. I knew she was just trying to offer parental solidarity and sympathy, but in the middle of a meltdown just wasn't quite the time.

The way the sympathetic smile dropped off her face haunts me. I don't want a stranger to feel bad for trying to make me feel better.

I wouldn't ever have said eff off though, that's beyond the pale. I get how stressed and near-the-edge you can get over your dc though.

This made me laugh on the first page
We'll have you only saw a snapshot of her day, she spends the rest of it dispensing soup to the destitute in a minute hmm

By @Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

I would not be happy with someone saying fuck off in nursery when my young children are there. No matter what the circumstances

In her situation I would have either appreciated the comment or appreciated the intention behind the comment.

When my dd was small I got a lot of advice about the need to smack her when she had a temper tantrum and how that person's child never ever had temper tantrums and even then I never said anything approaching fuck off.

@codswallopandbalderdash, I agree, I would really hate that.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to be friendly/supportive. But saying “it’s just a phase, it will get better” would have annoyed me because my son was like that every single day going in to nursery. He’s autistic and it didn’t get better. It got worse! He’s now 12 and home educated. Still cries when I leave him. I laugh about it now - the amount of people that told me “it’ll get better”. I never ever told anyone to fuck off though. I’d just usually smile and nod. She shouldn’t have been so rude. I always try to remember that other people don’t know my circumstances and usually they mean well.

Just yesterday when dropping 4 year old off at breakfast club, he didn't want to go in. Crying with big fat tears, I was stuck wanting to just drop and go. But luckily another mum nudged him in and told me to go. It may not be a phase but there was cause for her to be rude

OP I think she was incredibly rude and it's clear you were just trying to be nice. I also agree with pp though that saying 'it's a phase' is a bit of a loaded statement because you don't know that it is, and to someone who has potentially been dealing with that behavior for some time (and maybe knows that it in fact won't get better), that statement might feel like twisting the knife. It might be better to say something like 'you handled that really well' or 'are you ok? It's so hard to leave them isn't it'

I think she was rude too. She could have just said "sadly I don't think it's a phase and I'd rather not talk about it". You might have felt mildly offended by that too, depending on the tone of voice, but telling a fellow mother to f off is never ok. As soon as someone says that they've lost any moral high ground they might have had, however annoying they feel someone has been.

She shouldent have said it but it sounds like she was stressed. Its awful leaving your child upset especially if you feel judged, I know the few times I left my child upset at school I felt absolutly awful. In that situation its best to just say good morning and not comment on behaviour. You have no way if knowing if a phase and even if you did not mean it to it may have come off as judgement. You dont know if she has had other people commenting on childs behaviour and your comment was the last straw. It probably made her feel that every one was watching it happen. I can see you were trying to be nice and her response was inappropriate but just remember you have no idea of whats going on in that families life.

It says more about her than you. Don't sweat it. She's just a rude cow - however stressed she is that is not acceptable in my book.

well, yeah, we all use our judgement to decide when to comment or not but everyone in a nursery should have the judgement not to tell a well-meaning other parent to fuck off, even if they have heard that 'it'll pass' a zillion times and they know it really won't and autism and etc etc - if she had to be snarky she could just have said a curt "i don't think so" and been much less rude about it!
yanbu OP. and i'd be upset by this too, somehow, even though it's not your fault. english people are quite stand-offish, so are probably less open to comments from strangers than where you're from (it takes some getting used to).

Nasty vile woman- avoid and dont let yourself get upset about that rude cow. You did nothing wrong. Even if you patronise somebody- there are manners not to forget about

Your intention was well meant. She was rude.
This is why people are afraid to talk to each other now. It's like you have to analyse what you say before each conversation in case someone could possibly be offended.