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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled at this mum at the nursery?

216 replies

Xabirak · 14/09/2017 19:11

I drop my 4 years old to the nursery at breakfast time. As we habe a little rutine and I Stay until she's seated with her breakfast, we have no drama. None at all.
But every child/mum is different and some of them just cry the life out of them when leave. It's life.
Today a kid was particularly upset. It was a full drama to see her, and her poor mum.
So, when I was walking out of the room with said mum, I looked at her and said"it's just a phase, it will get better" I just tried to be comforting, didn't gave her any tips or spoke about my routine that works so well. I swear. Just said what I wrote.
And then I hear her saying"F**ck off"
"Excuse me?"
I'm a foreigner and thought, even having being here for 12 years, that my English failed me and didn't heard properly.
And then she looks at me and says"who gave you the right to talk about my child?"

Appalling.

Did I crossed some line I'm not aware of?????

OP posts:
Lifeofpies · 14/09/2017 19:59

Also agree with those who say it's best not to comment. I had terrible PND and people's 'kind words' generally made me feel worse.

kaytee87 · 14/09/2017 20:01

You probably sounded quite patronising / smug to her especially at what was clearly a stressful time However there's no excuse for her to speak to you like that.

Lifeofpies · 14/09/2017 20:01

There are an awful lot of emotions running through you when your child screams at being left - guilt, worry, anger, dread, sadness... like everyone is looking at you and you've somehow got it all wrong somewhere this (from littlepond)

ShovingLeopard · 14/09/2017 20:02

She behaved appallingly, and was insufferably rude. However distressed she was, it doesn't excuse saying that to you, it was obvious you meant it kindly. I would mark her down in your mind as somebody lacking in social graces or kindness, and avoid her in future.

TheLittleShirt · 14/09/2017 20:02

I don't think the OP sounds smug, she was mearly telling us her routine. She sounds like she was just tying to reassure the other mother, who even if she was stressed should not really have used language like that in a nursery full of impressionable children. Of course we do not know what kind of morning she had and the frame of mind she was in, so bearing this in mind we had all better not ever speak to anyone ever again lest they take their bad mood out on us!

dowagercountess · 14/09/2017 20:03

She was rude.
Sometimes I wish people would say nice comments like that to me when my DD is having a strop instead of glaring/walking by!

gingerh4ir · 14/09/2017 20:03

you have no idea what is going on in this woman's life or maybe with the child. You have a child with complex needs and nursery drop offs were a nightmare. I did have probably bitten your head off back then (because I was super stressed and faced a situation which wasn't to get better). It always felt like me against the world and the last thing I wanted was this kind of smugness of parents who had it all worked out.

Mittens1969 · 14/09/2017 20:03

TitterofWit, that's a terrible suggestion, talk about creating unnecessary drama. This was a mum who would have been feeling fragile after leaving her screaming DC at nursery. I've been there with both my DDs, it's horrible. The OP will potentially be seeing the other mum regularly so what's the point of creating more antagonism.

And I'm saying that despite hating the f word.

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 20:04

Fgs of course she was a rude cow.

And she said 'fuck' in a nursery Shock

gingerh4ir · 14/09/2017 20:04

that was meant to read I have a child, not 'you'.

AnnetteCurtains · 14/09/2017 20:06

Why the need to tell us about your routine and ' no drama '
She probably knows it's just a phase and it will get better
She probably doesn't want someone to acknowledge that they saw the
' full drama '
She was rude it you have been insensitive

Splandy · 14/09/2017 20:08

She was very rude to say that. But I'd secretly have been thinking it too... I can't stand people giving me their opinions/advice when I haven't asked for it. It seems so smug and patronising. I think in my case, it's because people assume I only have one child as I'm fairly young and look younger, and then try to offer me advice. I have a much older child too, who I had very young, so comments where they act as though they have some special insider experience which I wouldn't understand yet are really annoying and smug. I've often been parenting for longer than they have.

From the way you've talked, it sounds as though you think the reason everything is ok is because of your routine. You have loads of advice to give but kept it to yourself. Even if you didn't actually say that, it was probably pretty obvious you were thinking it.

NotAgainYoda · 14/09/2017 20:09

You did nothing wrong

llangennith · 14/09/2017 20:11

No matter what assumed problem or condition or spectrum the child had it was plain rude to even think 'Fuck off', let alone say, it to anyone in a nursery setting, especially someone offering a friendly word.
Btw I swear a lot but not at anybody.

emsiewill · 14/09/2017 20:14

I don't think the OP sounds smug. She has said that English is not her first language, so perhaps that's why some of you think that's how she comes across in her post.

OP - I think you sound like a kind person who was reaching out to someone who you saw having a bad day. She was rude to respond as she did, but I think you should just chalk it up to experience; as others have said, perhaps she's had many, many bad days and this was the last straw.

Don't stop trying to be kind, though - most people would appreciate it.

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 20:27

Whatever the reason, you're best off forgetting about it. You don't sound smug. On a different day I bet you would've made her feel better.

niccyb · 14/09/2017 20:36

You have every right to be appalled. What a horrid woman. She doesn't deserve To be shown compassion

pictish · 14/09/2017 20:36

"No matter what assumed problem or condition or spectrum the child had it was plain rude to even think 'Fuck off', let alone say, it to anyone in a nursery setting,"

It's rude to think fuck off in a nursery setting? Really?

Stormwhale · 14/09/2017 20:44

My line to mums in this situation is "I hope your day gets better." There is no judgement on the behaviour of their child, nothing to say I think I know how to handle it, just a kind word. Some people may still take offense to that, but I can't see there is any harm in a kind word.

PQ77 · 14/09/2017 20:45

I have children with multiple complex health issues (including autism) and have been on the receiving end of much advice/platitudes/well meaning comments which have left me feeling upset/angry/frustrated. I have had PND and PTSD. I have never ever sworn at someone and think that the woman was extraordinarily rude to you OP. Appalling way to speak to someone, especially in front of children.

Wincher · 14/09/2017 20:47

God I have quite frequently been sympathetic to parents at nursery when they are having to leave their screaming child - I normally say something like "It's horrible, isn't it? You poor thing. It does get better", because I've been there, for weeks at a time, and it is just hideous leaving your child when every instinct is screaming at you to pick them up and give them a cuddle and not go, but you know the best thing is to give a big wave and a cheery smile and head off sharpish. I hated it so so much. I will think twice before I do this next time. I tend to think it never hurts to be kind and sympathetic when someone is having a bad time.

Our nursery was full of screaming 2 year olds sobbing as their mums left this morning, because all the big kids have gone off to school so lots of little ones are just settling in. My DS is 4 already (early September birthday) so is probably the oldest one there now, very talll so way bigger than the little ones, and waves me off happily in the mornings. It seems like no time at all since he was a sobbing 2 year old being peeled off me.

kali110 · 14/09/2017 20:48

Ffs the op doesn't sound smug in the slightest!
As from this thread op, don't try to be nice to others Hmm
The other mother was completely out of line and i'd avoid her in future.

MrMessy · 14/09/2017 20:48

You were actually being terribly rude. In Britain there is a golden rule that you do not acknowledge strangers unless it is to say sorry after that have rammed you with their shopping trolley.

Is there? I don't know of any such rule.
OP, You were only trying to help. She was rude.

StorminaBcup · 14/09/2017 20:51

Why are you appalled at her? You made a comment, it wasn't received as intended and twelve hours later you're still judging her for swearing at you. She's probably sick of unhelpful advice.

kali110 · 14/09/2017 20:52

Why were you appalled
Don't know why op would be appaulled by a person swearing at her...