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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be appalled at this mum at the nursery?

216 replies

Xabirak · 14/09/2017 19:11

I drop my 4 years old to the nursery at breakfast time. As we habe a little rutine and I Stay until she's seated with her breakfast, we have no drama. None at all.
But every child/mum is different and some of them just cry the life out of them when leave. It's life.
Today a kid was particularly upset. It was a full drama to see her, and her poor mum.
So, when I was walking out of the room with said mum, I looked at her and said"it's just a phase, it will get better" I just tried to be comforting, didn't gave her any tips or spoke about my routine that works so well. I swear. Just said what I wrote.
And then I hear her saying"F**ck off"
"Excuse me?"
I'm a foreigner and thought, even having being here for 12 years, that my English failed me and didn't heard properly.
And then she looks at me and says"who gave you the right to talk about my child?"

Appalling.

Did I crossed some line I'm not aware of?????

OP posts:
plantsitter · 14/09/2017 20:54

It's horrible being sworn at. Feeling upset about it is not judging it's having your own feelings about something that somebody did to you.

MrsWhirly · 14/09/2017 20:55

I would have told her to 'fuck off' back. So rude.

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 20:56

In a nursery MrsWhirly? [shocked]

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2017 20:56

I dont think there was any excuse for what the woman said to OP.

I imagine OP made her comment in a light hearted and sympathetic way. It was a passing comment and I think it is acceptable to make a passing comment to anyone actually - briefly and lightly. It is simply being human. And I think that even more in the situation OP was, making a brief comment was fine. These women dropping off might not be best mates, but they are all in a similar situation and taking their kids to the same nursery. Their kids spends the day together for goodness sake. It IS okay to say a few words to a parent who has a child in your nursery class and you shouldn't have to hear abuse in response.

Tone is everything. Perhaps the OPs tone didn't sound light. Perhaps the woman felt she was being judged. However, that was the rude woman's problem and not the fault of the OP. Those who are saying never speak to a stranger.....this wasn't someone who the OP had zero contact with - her child spends the day with the other child. They drop off at the same time. I would be appalled if I was taking my child to a nursery day after day and seeing the same people and no-one ever said a single word to me, because they didn't dare speak to a 'stranger'.

I expect the woman was having a bad day. I expect she was overly sensitive and felt judged. However, it still isn't okay to speak to someone as she did and I am surprised that people justify her or even go as far as to say Op was in the wrong to say a word.

Perhaps tomorrow she will apologise. That would be nice. It might not happen. OP, you are right that she was rude.....and don't let this make you think you must never say a few words to any of the Mums picking up and dropping off.

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 20:56

I mean Shock

Danceswithwarthogs · 14/09/2017 20:58

It's horrible when you try to do a kind thing for someone and it's thrown back in your face for whatever reason...
I don't really think any any hypothetical unknown circumstances completely excuse her behaviour towards you and I'm not sure anyone who wasn't there could say you sounded "smug".

Maybe she was at the end of her tether, or maybe she's just not very nice, or that sort of language/communication is normal to her.

Try not to dwell on it, but don't stop being nice.... there are a lot of situations where a kind word from someone can really help.

kali110 · 14/09/2017 20:59

plantsitter
The woman told the op to fuck off why so shocked if she swore back?

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 21:03

Well I was only semi- serious. But equally you don't want to get into a swearing match in a nursery, do you? Really not stylish.

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2017 21:04

And I'm shocked by the world some people sound like they live in. A world where it's not acceptable to say a few words to someone you don't know because you never know how someone will react and the idea that you have no right to say Anyang to anyone. And a world where it is okay to respond to someone with swearing and aggression. Why such closed behaviour? Why such aggressive behaviour?

Perhaps I've led a sheltered life, but I have mostly found that whilst i don't go around deliberately talking to people I do t know, when I find myself in a situation with people where a few words seem relevant or right, I can make them and .......the people usually say a few words back and aren't horrified that I have spoken. And if someone speaks to me, I will usually respond. It's all fine. We might not know each other and we might never see each other again and all that has happened is we have had a little bit of human contact. I'm not sure why it's all such a big deal and the aggression can be seen as okay or normal?

JohnHunter · 14/09/2017 21:06

I'm surprised by some of the comments in this thread - why on earth does the OP come across as "smug"?

She was obviously trying to say something nice/comforting. Even if the comment was misplaced or naive, the intention was clearly positive.

This child's behaviour is unlikely to be a "phase" if the mother thinks it's okay to talk to a stranger in this way.

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/09/2017 21:09

No one at all has said that her response was acceptable. Someone who responds that way is either at the absolute end of their tether or just a very unpleasant person. Occasionally if you speak to strangers you might get an unexpected response. If someone you don't know is very stressed then maybe think twice about interrupting them. This isn't the same as saying never speak to anyone!

Winebottle · 14/09/2017 21:12

Everyone has people take things the wrong way from time to time.

You said something, she thought it was patronising and called you out on that. I'd just put it down as an unfortunate misunderstanding and move on.

I don't think a fact a bit of industrial language was used changes anything. It was just her chosen way of expressing she didn't like your comment.

Veterinari · 14/09/2017 21:12

So the consensus on this thread seems to be: don't try to be kind to or empathise with strangers who might be struggling - it's none of your business.

Jeez... what a sad indictment of society.

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 21:14

I don't think it's the consensus. I might go and count up.

Sprinklestar · 14/09/2017 21:19

You don't come across as smug, OP. What you said sounded perfectly friendly and acceptable to me. Ignore the posters who will try and tell you black is white in a bid to pick a fight...

Personally, I would have been appalled too. You just don't use language like that in a nursery setting. I'd have complained to the staff and asked them to have a word. I don't want my child picking up language like that because another parent can't work out when and where it's appropriate to swear.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 14/09/2017 21:19

I used to struggle with DD going to nursery. She would cry and cling to me every single time, if they didn't physically take her, she would run out after me. It was awful, every time. If someone had said what you said, it would have made me feel reassured that someone got it. What you said was fine, she was a rude bitch. And ignore the horrible idiots on here who are being rude to you. You are not smug ffs Hmm.

Mittens1969 · 14/09/2017 21:24

I admit I do find it hard to understand why someone would swear in that context at all. As I said earlier, I probably wouldn't have appreciated a comment like the OP's at that moment, when feeling very churned up. But I would never react rudely, as I was always taught to be polite growing up. There's never any cause for rudeness.

But she may also have been focused on getting to work?

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2017 21:26

I do t think it's the consensus wither...but I think a number of people have expressed the view that OP shouldn't have spoken in this situation and the have also been posters who have said you should never speak to a stranger.

I think most people on here think the OP was just trying to be sympathetic. From this thread alone, we cannot tell what her tone was and how it came across - it is impossible to know. I think that regardless of tone, most people think she was greeted with a rude an unacceptable response. Many people however said their natural response would have been to think that response, if not to say it.....and by this, they implicitly criticise the Op.

I agree that we have to judge when to speak and when not to. Sometimes people in stressful situations find any comment impossible to hear - the earlier poster who says she swore at the checkout assistant shows how that can happen. However, there are other posters here who say they have had difficult drop offs or stressful situations when they would have LOVED someone to say just anything, rather than blanking them. They would have loved a bit of sympathy and simply human contact and acknowledgment.

We do have to use judgement, but I don't think we should become scared about speaking and do it less and less....if people do that, it really is a negative move for society and community. We could all encounter something like OP did today...it is unpleasant, but in my experience, fortunately it is very rare and we should remember that. It's okay to feel shocked when someone speaks to you as that woman did and to feel upset by it too. It's also important to move on quickly and not to dwell on it or let it affect your future behaviour too much. The OP got an earful today, but she did nothing wrong and was simply showing sympathy to a fellow mother Whose children spend their days together...perfectly acceptable....and actually to be encouraged in my book. More little passing comments between people passing each other daily, in my book make the world just a little bit better, not worse.

Daydreamerbynight · 14/09/2017 21:30

OP doesn't sound smug at all, just a very nice person. If anything OP, I guess it's a horrible way of learning not to offer sympathy to anyone. People are arseholes nowadays, you just have to look at some of the responses on here to see that.

plantsitter · 14/09/2017 21:33

I think people post things on here just to be contrary sometimes.

The consensus, by the way, is that she's a rude cow. Don't stop doing it OP, I had many a desperate time when the kids were small and a friendly word made all the difference.

Waytoogo · 14/09/2017 21:36

She sounds vile. I'd avoid her like the plague in future.

Sorry that happened to you Flowers

LucieLucie · 14/09/2017 21:37

The sweary mother was abusive and intolerant.

You were hardly speaking about her child specifically, you were merely making small talk with her!

I bet bet made herself look like an absolute loon. She perhaps does have mental health issues or was strung out, whatever. She was an asshole.

WineGummyBear · 14/09/2017 21:39

Sorry OP but I also got smug from your post.

You preface your post with details about how you are getting it right and where others are getting it wrong. If your demeanor betrayed your conviction that your way is correct that then her 'fuck off' was understandable.

WineGummyBear · 14/09/2017 21:41

(rude too, obviously)

PollyFlint · 14/09/2017 21:43

Really amazed at how many miserable gits on here would be colossally offended at someone who was clearly just trying to be sympathetic.

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