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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private school and step child - who is BU?

257 replies

ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 11:47

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

OP posts:
CrankyTheCrane · 14/09/2017 11:50

What does dad want to do?

CrankyTheCrane · 14/09/2017 11:51

*dsd

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 14/09/2017 11:53

Maybe she feels bad that she can't afford it herself? Or it doesn't feel right to her to allow you to pay all that money?

Both of those would be valid reasons for her not wanting to say anything to you.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 14/09/2017 11:53

Maybe she is worried if you are responsible for organising her education you may well take over making other decisions and she will feel like a third wheel. .

Salva · 14/09/2017 11:54

Does she feel like you (you and dh) have made the decision and she has no say?
Is she concerned that she can't afford to pay if suddenly things go south and your dh decides to stop paying?
I went to private school and had friends who grandparents funded but sometimes this just stopped for many reasons (divorce, death, families falling out, redundancy etc)
It's the kids who suffer having to change schools during exams etc.
is it possible to have some sort of trust fund with the money set aside? So it's ringfenced for those 6 years once the decision is made?

MrsHathaway · 14/09/2017 11:54

Your post assumes that private school is necessarily better than state. It also assumes that DSD's needs will be the same in two years as DTSs' needs in eight years' time.

DSD's mother may have other factors in mind eg the "commute", wanting local friends (or DSD being able to keep up with the Joneses), ethos of the particular schools, long-term affordability of fees/uniform/extras - what happens if your income drops, for example, or if you and DH have more children together?

She may also feel that she is being railroaded by DH and/or you and wants to feel more in control of the situation. That's kind of a separate issue and you'll know whether that is part of the normal dynamic.

If you can frame it as keeping the private school on the list and she isn't to worry about the cost but only the suitability then she may be less resistant.

And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

Equal isn't always fair; fair isn't always equal. If your DTSs end up with very different personalities (eg DTS1 very sporty, DTS2 classical musician) will you still send them to the same school together, or each to the best fit for him?

Puffpaw · 14/09/2017 11:54

Maybe she is worried that if you and your dh split up you'll no longer want to pay the fees and it will be more upheaval for the dd, who has already seen her parents split up. I'm assuming that dsd mum cannot afford the fees if you stop paying.
Offer to put the fees in trust for dsd for her school life in its entirety and it may no longer be a problem.

Original poster
ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 11:55

DSD is keen when we talk to her about it. I mean, at the moment it's all a bit abstract for her because she's only nine. But a decision needs to be made soon.

I worry about what would happen later down the line when DSD is older and sees her brothers at private school and she's at the local comp. Will she think we played favourites? If we said to her - well when we asked you, you didn't seem bothered either way, won't she think we shouldn't have left it up to her nine year old self to decide??

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 14/09/2017 11:56

But the school is still 15 miles or so from her house. Maybe she doesn't want to do 60 miles a day.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 14/09/2017 11:57

DSD is keen when we talk to her about it.

You should be talking about it with her mother, not with her, because if her mum says no, you've set her up to be the bad guy.

If the mother gives the go ahead, then you talk to DSD to see what she wants.

existentialmoment · 14/09/2017 11:59

You shouldn't be talking a nine year old about private schooling. This is her parents decision and her resident parent say no. That is the end of it.

2014newme · 14/09/2017 12:00

You're making the assumption that because the private school costs money its better than the state school. It may well be. But on the other hand there are plenty of mediocre private schools and lots of great secondaries.
Will you also be paying for uniform, care during the longer school hols, trips etc as that can all add up. Perhaps she is concerned about the cost of these extras. Or that she may feel out if place if it's a school with particularly well off parents, some are, some aren't, or that dd won't be with her friends there could be any number of reasons

MrsHathaway · 14/09/2017 12:00

I think you should press for DH, DSD and DSDmum to go to the open day with no obligation and an open mind. If it isn't a good fit for DSD then it isn't worth pursuing; if it is then DSDmum may change her opinions.

Would you make the money available for another private school, by the way, or is it this one you're particularly keen on?

existentialmoment · 14/09/2017 12:00

Oh, and if the school is near where you live and not where she lives, she probably thinks your next move would be to try and get DSD to live with you full time. even if she doesn't, who is going to get her to school and back?

implantsandaDyson · 14/09/2017 12:02

Maybe her mum is concerned about additional costs - uniform, hobbies etc. Will she need to ask you for money? She may prefer that your dsd goes to school where she may already know some kids or one that is closer to her home so she can walk to/home from. Do private schools have longer school holidays? - how will they be covered?

Boulshired · 14/09/2017 12:03

My friends ex pays for their DS to go to private school, he has used it as a weapon since it began. She also finds it difficult with the extra costs that sometimes come with private that she cannot give and has to ask ex who then makes her jump through hoops. She is also position now with another child who will never be able to go private. I can see why she would be worried.

LongWavyHair · 14/09/2017 12:03

You've given the offer to send her to private school like her siblings and that's the most important thing. That's all you can do. If her mum isn't keen on the idea then don't worry about fairness. What would be unfair is you ending up deciding not to send your dcs to private school due to fearing things not being equal. In stepfamilies the children have different parents/families and not everyone is going to agree on things.
If her mum comes round to the idea then fantastic, dsd can go too. If not then keep the offer open and just send your dcs to private school as planned.

Hillarious · 14/09/2017 12:04

The absolute best thing about the school my DC attended is the fact that it was local, all their friends were local and it was quick and easy to get to. This counts for a lot.

Tilapia · 14/09/2017 12:04

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. It's just different opinions.

Keep talking to DSD's mum. I agree with posters who suggest she may be feeling 'left out', as if you and your DH are sorting it all out and she's a bit of a spare part. Have all of you visited the different options?

ShiveryTimbers · 14/09/2017 12:05

Are there other private schools that could be an option? I can imagine that the mother might not want to make a choice, especially one that would involve significant commuting, so early on.

If DM makes the decision that DSD isn't going to go to private school, could you put the same amount of money that you are spending on the boys aside for DSD to use later in life? That way even if she is not using it in exactly the same way, she will still understand that you have put it aside for her benefit and treated her equally.

I think it's a really lovely offer, especially if you are willing to consider putting aside equivalent savings for DSD if it isn't taken up (for whatever reason).

guilty100 · 14/09/2017 12:05

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about this where you listen carefully to one another. I imagine she isn't saying much at the moment because she knows that this decision is a way off, but it sounds as though she has some objections to the idea, and as the child's mother, those have to be taken into account.

If your DSD ends up going to a state school, you can always use the money you would have spent on her education for out-of-school tutors and enrichment, beyond what you provide for the others, and perhaps also to pay her university fees.

MrsHathaway · 14/09/2017 12:05

I hadn't thought: perhaps she's worried about having more DC or DSC in future and not being able to offer them equal opportunities.

eg if she remarried and had DSC at state school then there would be inequality in her house very similar to the situation you're worried about with DSD and the DTs.

ShiveryTimbers · 14/09/2017 12:06

It could also be that she is worried about the costs of extras, school trips and uniforms etc, and doesn't feel able to say. Or anxious about what would happen if you suddenly weren't able to pay or decided you didn't want to.

CrankyTheCrane · 14/09/2017 12:06

Also does dsd's dm have any other children? That would obviously be a big factor if she couldn't afford for them to go too.

WhyOhWine · 14/09/2017 12:08

Does the mother have other DC and is it possible she might do so in future? If so she may be concerned about inequality between her DD and other DCs.

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