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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private school and step child - who is BU?

257 replies

ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 11:47

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 14/09/2017 12:08

It is nice that you have offered, although I don't think you should be discussing it with the 9 year old when you know her Mum isn't keen. I can imagine her Mum is worried about being completely beholden to you and her ex for the fees, and feeling she has no control over what happens if your circumstances change, you stop paying etc. Maybe she thinks it would be better for her daughter to go to the local school, with her friends, where there is no risk of having to uproot her depending upon the financial circumstances and co-operation of a third party. I think those concerns are legitimate.

2014newme · 14/09/2017 12:09

Also nobody is being unreasonable. Saying 'I'm not sure' doesn't make her unreasonable.

dustarr73 · 14/09/2017 12:10

Why are you mentioning this to the child.Surely it's her parents ( ie not you) who should make the decision.

I think it's lovely that you want to do It, but it looks like you're stepping on the mums toes
Maybe just leave it a while and mention it again.

LongWavyHair · 14/09/2017 12:10

Also does dsd's dm have any other children? That would obviously be a big factor if she couldn't afford for them to go too.

That doesn't usually matter when children have different parents. Eg If the mum could afford it and the dad went on to have more children with a new partner then the consensus would be that it's tough luck for his younger children. So I think the same should apply here too if that's what the mum's concerns are.

Original poster
ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 12:13

To answer some of the questions:

Her friend's big sister started at the school this month, which is why it's come up in conversation at home. She hears about all the cool things they do there, etc, via her friend and has said she thinks it would be good to go there.

I'm a SAHM (got made redundant on mat leave) so DH's salary will pay for it all. So if we split up, it wouldn't affect who pays the fees.

The school has transport which DSD could get - it serves both ours and her mum's houses (I'm being a bit vague here because I don't want to be too identifying). It would be possible to maintain the 50:50 arrangement with DSD going to this school, but it would mean a bit more effort on her mum's part than the current school set up has needed. Which is a factor, I believe.

Someone upthread said that DSD's mum is resident parent. I have to push back on that actually. The arrangement has always been at least 50:50, but over the years, in practice, it has actually been much more like 60:40 in our favour. So it's really not accurate to think of this situation as being dictated by DH and me, who are EOW access parents/step parents. Our home is DSD's home.

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 14/09/2017 12:14

Posting as I'm in a very similar position - my son is starting senior school next year & we have the funds to send him private but his Dad (my ex) is not keen - I can't understand why?

Original poster
ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 12:14

No, DSD's mum doesn't have any other DCs.

OP posts:
Redpony1 · 14/09/2017 12:15

But the school is still 15 miles or so from her house. Maybe she doesn't want to do 60 miles a day

15 miles? No, read the OP again. The private school is between OP's house & DSD's mothers house. which are around 30 mins apart, so a 15 minute commute, ish.

Oh, and if the school is near where you live and not where she lives, she probably thinks your next move would be to try and get DSD to live with you full time
It's between both houses.

Are there other private schools that could be an option? I can imagine that the mother might not want to make a choice, especially one that would involve significant commuting, so early on
There is no significant commuting involved.

Why do people not read properly before commenting?!

flowery · 14/09/2017 12:16

"This is her parents decision and her resident parent say no. That is the end of it."

Sounds like she has two resident parents, both of whom surely have equal say.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 14/09/2017 12:16

DoggyMadMum Just read the responses so far; there are thousands of possible reasons.

Hissy · 14/09/2017 12:18

I think you need to meet with the mum, and then have a family meeting with the DSD.

The she said/she said here is what will derail this.

I imagine it IS the sense of loss of control over her DD, perhaps because of the shift to 60/40 away from her, she may feel that she is losing her DD.

The DSD needs to have a major input to the decision as to where she will go to school, she has to be comfortable with that decision, she has to feel at home there.

has she been on open days/meetings to all options available to her?

MrsHathaway · 14/09/2017 12:19

I'm a SAHM (got made redundant on mat leave) so DH's salary will pay for it all. So if we split up, it wouldn't affect who pays the fees.

It could make a big difference to affordability though.

myfeetarealwayscold · 14/09/2017 12:22

If I were the mum I would be worried about - 1) being financially beholden to you for this, I wouldn't be comfortable with this myself 2) the child being beholden to you 3) loss of control over her daughter's education as she's not paying for it 4) what happens if you decide to stop paying for the education or can't afford to pay for education 5) the inequality between the finances of the two households being highlighted 6) daughter going to a different school to many of her current friends 7) not being able to afford the other things that go with being at a private school - extra cash for 'posher' trips, her private school friends having ski-ing holidays and other benefits that richer families have that 'normal ones don't 9) As a mum not being as involved on the social side or PTFA side of things with the private school as much perhaps 10) Having another child of my own in the near future that has no ties to you or your husband who wouldn't be able to go private
OR maybe she just doesn't think for many reasons that this is the way forward for her daughter, perhaps if she could afford this herself she still wouldn't choose it.
Here's what you could do - put the fees money into an ISA for the little girl, ( over and above what your husband might already be thinking of saving for her if at all) something that goes towards her future - be that travel or further study or starting a business when she turns 18. Let her go to her state school and your husband can help out with paying for music lessons, or afterschool activities or a tutor for certain subjects if she needs it. If I were her mother I'd be fine with this.

littledinaco · 14/09/2017 12:22

I know some people are vehemently against private schools

In a lot of cases, it's not that people are necessarily against private schools, just that they don't feel it's the right choice for their child/their circumstances.

You seem very set in your thoughts that the private school is better for someone else's child. Imagine how you would feel if someone was saying a particular nursery/school was better for your DSs.

There are positives and negatives to state and positives and negatives to private.

Why don't you suggest DH and DSDs mum go and look at both schools. If they both feel the private school is most suitable for DSD then you can discuss how funding, etc would work.

Don't discuss the school with DSD just yet, it is not fair to put this on a 9 year old and probably upsetting and confusing for her if you and her mum have different opinions.

liquidrevolution · 14/09/2017 12:22

YABVVU for discussing it with DSD without coming to a decision with her DM.

If you want to keep things equal put a sum away for DSD to use when she goes to uni/buys a house etc.

FWIW My DH and siblings are privately educated. I am a product of state schooling and have higher qualifications and a better job than they do so it really does depend on the child and the school. DD will be going to state school even though the PILs are offering to help pay for private. I don't want to be in a position of having to move her if funding stops and I'd much rather save our money for a house deposit or uni. I can understand DSDs DMs position.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 14/09/2017 12:25

I suspect its because she feels she will take a back seat in her daughter's education and socialising.

At the moment, she is probably friendly with the parents of her daughter's friends.

If YOU'RE paying for the school, then she might be worried that she won't be accepted by the parents of her daughter's friends, and they would be friendlier toward you than to her. And, sorry to say, it's not a completely groundless fear. There will be parents who are like that. They may or may not be like that at this school, I don't know.

Her friend who's sister has gone to the school, who is more friendly with her parents, you or the mum?

Original poster
ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 12:26

At the risk of tempting fate, I would hazard to say that I think DH and I will still be together in 7 or 8 years' time!

We haven't got as far as open days. At the moment we've just tested the waters by suggesting it as an option. We're also looking at schools to put the boys down for, so it seemed like the right time to bring it up. Maybe it is because she feels like we're 'taking over', I don't know.

She has been a bit 'disengaged' with most things DSD over the years. Big decisions have tended to be left up to us for her convenience. But that's veering into 'different thread' territory.

Perhaps that's the way forward - go to an open day together.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 14/09/2017 12:27

This is not your decision to make, even if the child does spend more time at your home. It's between the child's mother and father. Perhaps her mother is uncomfortable giving her reasons in front of you and would speak more freely without you there.

Discussing it with a 9 year old child, especially if her mother isn't keen, is not how it should be done either.

CrunchyNut39 · 14/09/2017 12:27

"I worry about what would happen later down the line when DSD is older and sees her brothers at private school and she's at the local comp. Will she think we played favourites?"

This ^ just sounds awful - like you look down on the local comp as some inferior place for your DSD.

I'm not wanting to start a private vs state school debate as i'm sure if we had surplus money, we might consider sending our kids to private school, but I wonder if your whole attitude that DSD is going to some sort of inferior school, has upset your DH's ex wife? Its a funny attitude to have - your DSD will have made some very close friends at her current state primary school, perhaps she wants to stay with them? Private education isn't the be-all and end-all. Stop thinking as her state school as inferior to your private school, and then ask DSD what she really wants. She might just be making the right noises to you to not hurt your feelings / sound ungrateful.

Original poster
ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 12:29

You seem very set in your thoughts that the private school is better for someone else's child. Imagine how you would feel if someone was saying a particular nursery/school was better for your DSs.

No not at all.

But it is something we've decided to do for DSs so wanted to put it in the mix as an option for DSD to keep it fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 12:31

At the moment, she is probably friendly with the parents of her daughter's friends.

I am too though! I do half the school runs.

This just sounds awful - like you look down on the local comp as some inferior place for your DSD.

You've misunderstood my post. I don't look on the comp as inferior. I meant will DSD look on going to the comp as inferior to her brothers?

OP posts:
littledinaco · 14/09/2017 12:32

Let your DH go to the open day. Again, how would you feel if someone else was looking round schools for your DSs and involved in deciding what was best for them?

BoffinMum · 14/09/2017 12:33

YY to a parental summit going through all the pros and cons.
At the end of the day if you all can't decide you'll have to let DSD have a say at 11 and be influenced by where she feels she would be happiest.

2014newme · 14/09/2017 12:34

Let her go to the open day with dh.

Crunchymum · 14/09/2017 12:35

It's not just the fee's though is it? Its the whole lifestyle that comes with private school? The extra curricular aspects, the friendships the child will cultivate... maybe DSD's mother doesn't feel comfortable with that?

I know I would rather my child feel comfortable with their peers, rather than feel like a "poor relative".

The fee's is just a very small aspect of the whole private education system.