Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

As a step parent and divorced parent I think decisions about children's schooling should be made by the parents. You seem to be keen to insert yourself as a 3rd person. I think you should step back and let your husband deal with it especially as he would be paying. Schools for children are an emotive area. If your husband comes over with all the "we think" stuff like you do it will make his ex feel ganged up on by the couple with the money.

The child could be involved without each parent taking a side surely? Just take the child to schools they could go and discuss together which one the child feels suits them best.

In reply to pp (not op) 9 year olds can absolutely decide if the school isn't good for them, I had entrance exams for 3 schools at that age and walked out of one school and said I'm not going here. My parents respected that, my siblings had the same opinion. I'm the youngest and I passed the exam so I went, siblings went to local secondary. We all turned out mostly ok.

The trouble is, we only have one side of this story. What the OP calls 'disengaged' might be something entirely different from the childs mother's perspective.

Its a tough one, personally i'd be very opposed to my child going to private school.

OP you sound like a super step mum. I think your dh needs to have a gentle chat with dsd mum on his own, she may find it hard to talk when you are there. She may feel she made a mistake having an affair, and feel rightly or wrongly you are stepping in to her shoes making decisions she should be making. That may make her feel shame and sorrow, and make her clam up in your presence. She can't hate you or be angry at you, but she can still resent you even if she brought it on herself. Hard to be open in front of someone you resent.

X post with 2Rebecca. She talks sense.

OP there could be any number of reasons why DSD's mother is not keen on the private school, but, as I'm sure you realise, you wont find out what they are posting on here!

Unless she has significant form that you haven't mentioned for neglecting her DD or putting her own interests far ahead of her DD's or for being generally obstructive, it seems unlikely she's turning it down just because she can't be bothered. It may be she hasn't voiced her concerns because she isn't sure yet. She may have other plans in the wings that she doesn't want to share yet. She may not really appreciate how early it's necessary to move to secure a place. She may be ideologically opposed but not want an argument. She may not want to be specific because she actually doesn't like the school, but since you are committed to sending your DTs there, she finds it difficult to voice her concerns in a way that wouldn't seem really rude to you.

You haven't said anything on this thread about why the school would be good for your SDS. Perhaps it's just not a very appealing prospect. Or perhaps you are coming across as more concerned about the three siblings going to the same school than you are about DD's education. Have you thought of perhaps simply offering to pay school fees generally (not just to the one school) and asked what her ideal school for DD would be?

OP - you could always invite dsd's mum to this thread and we could help you discuss it?......

I'm a SM but I really wouldn't be siding as strongly as you with your DH about this. You may not mean to, but the comments about 'we've talked to DSD' and that you don't know what DM has got against it - is treading on the DMs toes here and crossing a line.

I'm sure it's with the best intentions.

However the DSD has been going to a state school and living I guess within DM as resident parent? She would, understandably, be the person who has so far been the main person involved in the child's education.

It can also come across as putting DM down and preempting her, give her some space to work it out with DH.

Salva walking out of a school and saying I am not going here is a fair bit different to saying "I'm going to this school here's a several thousand pound bill so you can accomadate my choice"

Granted dad is offering to pay but we have no clue if mum feels that it comes with strings attached or if he's intending on meeting all the costs associated with engaging fully with the school, we do not know if mum is concerned that whilst dad is saying he's going to cover it ultimately if he doesn't she will have the liability

One of mine quite fancies the idea of attending the same school as her brother the school is not suitable for her so she's been told it's not an option these things happen, she can have as many strops about it as she wants nothing will change the fact that it is unsuitable.

You do not set one parent up as the bad guy in order for the other parent to manipulate a situation by giving the kid the heads up and you especially don't do it when it involves very expensive things

Lots of replies here seem to be about posters personal feelings about private schooling, I think the point is that it has less to do with what Mum wants or decides and more about what are the best opportunities for the daughter.

It doesn't sound like it's a control issue and I have seen many threads about blended families falling out because not all children are afforded the same opportunities.

I would perhaps suggest a step back and let your dH work with Mum to discover what is best for their daughter.

How are you even having this conversation if you haven't been to any open days? You haven't been inside the private school or the normal school? And you have met none of the teachers? How can you know that this is where you think is best for her?

That said, in the mums position, I absolutely wouldn't want my dd at a school which depended on finances outside my control

It's a decision to be made between the mum and dad. Maybe she is worried about the additional costs that come with private school that can sometimes match the cost of tuition, maybe she worries about her ex holding all the cards, maybe she thinks her DD will be better off staying with her mates and getting a more rounded education at a local comp. I work with a lot of privately and publicslly educated people, I would never send DS to private school, maybe this is the mums view.

Lots of replies here seem to be about posters personal feelings about private schooling, I think the point is that it has less to do with what Mum wants or decides and more about what are the best opportunities for the daughter

I have kids in private schools, but what both parents want and decide are usually based on their personal thoughts surrounding what is best for their children from their own viewpoint and for some parents that will never be fee paying schools.

However the DSD has been going to a state school and living I guess within DM as resident parent? She would, understandably, be the person who has so far been the main person involved in the child's education.

How are you even having this conversation if you haven't been to any open days? You haven't been inside the private school or the normal school? And you have met none of the teachers? How can you know that this is where you think is best for her?

I had a dreadful night last night with the boys. One was up, then the other. I'm shattered.

So I don't want to come across as rude, as there's been a lot of helpful advice for which I'm very grateful, but really I do wish people would read the thread.

The two quotes above are just pure invention.

I've already said - DSD lives with us 50:50, more often than not 60:40. If anyone is the 'resident parent' it's DH, if you actually sat down and looked at the number of nights she's here vs her mum's. I'm very involved in her schooling. I do the school run for her three times a week. I know all her friends' parents from the playground, etc...

We haven't had a conversation with DSD about it. DSD's friend's big sister has started at the school and has told DSD what her sister gets up to. We also drive past this school every morning on the way to her primary and we see all the girls walking in in their lovely uniforms, so it's been on her radar for ages. DSD has often said, unprompted, she likes the idea of going there. So we mentioned to her mum that if she wanted to go, we would pay and what does she think about that?

That's all. We haven't asked DSD if she wants to go. We haven't told her she will be going. I feel I've been very clear about that on this thread already.

Also, we are looking at prep schools for the boys, for them to start when they're four. The school we're considering for DSD is a different school entirely.

However the DSD has been going to a state school and living I guess within DM as resident parent? She would, understandably, be the person who has so far been the main person involved in the child's education.

Bananas have you read the thread? OP has clearly said DSD spends 60% of her time with them and 40% with her mum so mum isn't exactly the main person involved with her education thusfar.

I also think OP and her DH sound lovely, trying to do the right thing.

It may be that the DM feels it has been sprung upon her a bit in and needs a bit of time to look at the options herself. If DSD is 9 there is still time for that.

It may be that there is a bit of discomfort about the idea of a private school. Ceertainly my mum would be like that, even thgouh she is very focussed on education. I am from a working class background and went to state school. My DDs go to private school (not because I am against state schools, having had a very good educaton at one, but because our finances put us in a position that we were able to look at all the options , state and private, and chose which we thought would be best for our DDs ignoring cost as a consideration).

My mum was pretty horrifed to start with and was very nervous the first time she went to something at DD1's school. In fact she conceded afterwards it was completely fine. In fact, the vibe at that school is very much parents priorising spend on education over spend on other things - there are quite a few parents scraping by and altohugh there are of course girls who go on flash holidays, that is not the norm.

The vibe at DD2's school is very different - much more wealth around, chauffeurs waiting at the entrance etc. DM has not been to anything there yet!

So in summary, if this is her concern she may find that going to visit helps. not all private schools are the same.

All you can do is put the arguments forward in a non pressured way and hope that she agrees. If not then DD should have a say nearer the time.

You do not set one parent up as the bad guy in order for the other parent to manipulate a situation by giving the kid the heads up and you especially don't do it when it involves very expensive things I totally agree with this.

OP I really don't think you are meaning to be setting mum up as the bad guy with your husband, I don't think there is malice there. However I do think that is what's happening. Particularly as you a) involved the daughter already to your way of thinking and b) are criticising the DM and c) talking a lot about 'we' as in, you and DH, the 'we' should absolutley be DH and his ExW.

pixie I do think that's a main basis of the discontent here. There is conflict about 'who the Mum who does most of the schooling' and 'who the resident parents' are. It is not clear cut.

OP says I've already said - DSD lives with us 50:50, more often than not 60:40. If anyone is the 'resident parent' it's DH, if you actually sat down and looked at the number of nights she's here vs her mum's. I'm very involved in her schooling. I do the school run for her three times a week. I know all her friends' parents from the playground, etc...

There seems to be conflict here. It is 50/50. 'If you sat down and looked at the nights..' that doesn't sound clear at all. Three times a week could be three mornings. It's murky. Also, she currently goes to a state primary 30 minutes away from them 'near her Mum's house'. It does sound like the resident parent who so far, has been making and is most closely involved with schooling is the Mum. And even if she does, it's the child's mother, and not the SM who has the bigger say.

I'm saying that as a SM, who had full time care of a DSD - I still wouldn't have waded in on school decisions.

There seems to be conflict here. It is 50/50. 'If you sat down and looked at the nights..' that doesn't sound clear at all.

Okay, without getting into the sordid details of it: the official arrangement is 50:50.

In practice, DSD's mum often asks us to have DSD extra nights and weekends - sometimes for work reasons, sometimes for personal reasons. We also have DSD the majority of all school holidays. Again, usually for a mix of the mum's work and personal reasons. I can't recall a single month at least in the past year where we haven't had DSD over and above the 50% she would normally be here.

And this has been the case since day one. So, if one could be bothered to sit down and look at all the calendars for each year, the number of nights DSD is with us would outweigh the number of nights she's been at her mum's. Meaning technically DH is the resident parent.

However, things ebb and flow, the mum's plans change and we flex around them. We all maintain the pretence that things are 50:50 and the request for us to have her this weekend even though it's her weekend (again) is a one-off. That way it all stays amicable.

I have to make a decision about high school for 10 year old next year. Still not sure which would be best. Its difficult. So I'm amazed that you're already so confident about where your dts should go when they are still pre schoolers!

However the decision for this year is about what is best for the dsd. And that really shouldn't be decided, based on where you would like your 3 year old twins to go to school.

I do see the challenges of 'fairness' in step parenting but sending her to this school to fit in with your 3 year olds is ridiculous.

You're clearly very controlling organised. I wonder what you mean when you describe her Mum as detached or whatever word you used. I suspect she has a different take on it. I've not decided for my dd yet. Its not because I'm detached or withdrawn but because its a tricky decision. Certainly not one I'd be making based on where my ex may be sending their children in 7 years time.

@laureywilliams before you passive-aggressively call me controlling, please read the thread and make sure you understand it.

I've said several times, the school for my DTs will be a prep school that they'll attend from September next year.

The school in question for DSD is a secondary and is A DIFFERENT SCHOOL.

OP I had a DSD full-time for years 95% at ours, or more like 100% really. Even so, it was up to her mother and father to make the decision.

You sound way too involved.

You sound way too involved.

Excellent. I can tick one more box on my 'step mother bingo' card.

Now all I need is 'you knew what you were getting into'.

But seriously, how can you not be involved when you care for a child more than half the time? Even leaving the emotional aspect to one side, in practical terms, how does that work? My DH and his ex have secret conversations that I'm not involved in and they come back and tell me what's expected of me with regards to DSD's care? Fuck that.

I'll be doing all the pick ups, drop offs, homework, sports equipment, trip admin, for all the time that DSD is at home with us. How is that not involved? At what point do DH and his ex 'bring me in' on the decision?