Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

Who has the final say in the situation?

The parent, who is most invested and engaged in the child's wellbeing. The person, who goes the extra mile. The parent, who knows what if best for the child because they have asked the child what they would like to do.

She doesn't want to be dependent on you. I wouldn't accept this kind of money from anyone, especially not an ex-husband

This seems really weird to me. He's not giving her the money, he's paying for his daughter's education

I think I agree with PPs that it might be the way you're approaching it - "We want her to go" rather than "We're very happy to cover the fees if DSD would also like to attend". Then let your DH and her mother discuss it perhaps?

I believe legally your DH and her mum have equal say in your DSD's education, so if they can't agree they should go to mediation or potentially court. Hopefully it wouldn't get that far!

I imagine her biggest concern is feeling indebted for the foreseeable future.
Feeling like she can't push back on requests from exdh because he pays the school fees.

Plus, how on earth do you know if your 3 yr old dts will benefit from that school now???

I have a very bright, very dyslexic dd who would absolutely not be the right fit for the majority of private schools. I would not have appreciated this when she was 3!

Is there an entrance exam for the school?

beep

Don't be ridiculous, 9 year olds do not get to decide in advance of a parents decision that yes they will be going to a fee paying school, in exactly the same way they don't get to decide that they are going to be home educated or not bother to attend school or go on a year long round the world trip unless it is put on the table as an achievable option by the people in charge.

It needs to be decided if it is in fact an achievable option before it's touted as possible to the child. Doing it before is shit behaviour that is designed to manipulate the other parent and has the capicity to really let the kid down or put them in the centre of what should be an adult disagreement

I think DH and I will still be together in 7 or 8 years' time!
So did his first wife.

We'll possibly not, because she left him! Affair. Hers, not his. She's not with the guy any more.

Why let the truth get in the way of a good stereotype though!

Thank you for everyone's perspectives. It's given me some interesting insights into why she might be reluctant that I hadn't thought of.

It's really not the case that DH and I are pushing an agenda and I'm massively overstepping. We've just been looking at independent primaries for DTs and DSD's friend's sister has started at the private secondary. DSD said she thought it sounded cool, so we said to DSD's mum we'd pay, what does she reckon about it as an option.

That's it. We haven't bought the uniform or anything!

"If she sends 'her' DTs, the DSD/DSDmum may have room to say that the new DTs are being treated to more than the DSD."

There will already be a difference though as Ops step daughter is at a state primary & her twins won't be.

Lots of private schools take children from age 3 right through to 18 - pretty normal to look and decide about pre-prep when the child is 12-18months

I would as many have suggested get your DH to have a good chat with his ex and see if he can re-assure her.

Are you confident that your SD would get into the school or would she possibly need some tutoring if it is selective?

diddl her DTS are 3, they aren't anywhere as yet.

BeepBeep Yes they should be discussing it with the child, but only if and when they have something to discuss. If the child's mother isn't keen on the idea then they should not be running it past the child until some sort of agreement has been reached.

It very much sound like the OP and her DH have made the decision, told the child about it and are trying to get the child's mother to agree. That's not the way it should work. And she might very well feel as if her views are being sidelined and another woman is making decisions about her child's education and over ruling her.

The OP is saying that she wants all the DCs to be at private school so that no one feels they are being treated differently. But if the ex wife were to have more children in another relationship and those children weren't being educated privately, they would no doubt feel they were being treated differently. Their relationship to the DSD would be no different from the relationship between DSD and OP's own children and they have the same right not to feel 'left out' when their sister is having and expensive education and they aren't.

I think your intentions are good & DSD is lucky to have a step mother that wants to treat her in the same, equal way as her own kids. Perhaps ex wife is simply being difficult for the sake of being difficult - jealousy, bitterness that her affair which split up the marriage, didn't ultimately work out. Who knows? I think let DSD visit a variety of secondary schools when the time arises (usually year 5 or early year 6) and then she'll be in a better position to choose.

Just as a word of warning... my sons secondary school choice rankings are currently based entirely on the mid-morning snacks that were served up at each school (nothing to do with facilities / results etc!!). So far, the chicken bap school is winning

Chewy bricks - for me this is a bit like a wedding thread and what happens when you let your inlaws or parents pay for everything - YOU do lose control, they DO get a bigger say- if you want things your way then you have to do it/pay for it yourself. You're planning what school is best for someone else's child - not on.
With the best will in the world and even if I got on fabulously with an ex-hubbies new wife/family I wouldn't go down this route of taking their money for this purpose - I'd ask that the fees money be put in trust for the child to have at a later date. If she goes to state school has a terrible time and private is clearly better then that would perhaps be a different matter. Putting the money aside for her should help with any feeling of inequality later.
I have a friend who's dad paid for the private school but her mother couldn't afford the 'lifestyle' that came with the private school so my friend was sort of the 'poor' relation at the school and badly academically despite being very intelligent. Her half sibling got the school and the fancy lifestyle/hols etc. that came with it and my friend has always resented the inequality there.
You need to stop talking to the child about it when you know her mother clearly is not on board - this is manipulative and puts more pressure both of them. Are you used to getting your own way? You're a step-parent not the mother or father so let them sort it out between them.

My feeling is that perhaps the mums life is a lot more up in the air than yours. She might not know where she'll be living in 2 years time so far to early to want to commit to anything at this point.

My DSCs and DCs now all go to the same school but it took a fuck of a long time to get all the parents on the same page (more like even reading the same book). It's between the 2 houses, further for us, but where DH works.

So I'd say it's good to get this on the table now, but be prepared for this to be a changeable feast.

I can understand her reluctance. Private school isn't just fees - it's uniform, extra-curricular, trips, extra lessons. Are you going to pay for all of these, never ask DSDs mum for any contribution? Would her mum prefer her to have local friends? I work in a private school and the children are very spread out - it must be a pain for playdates etc.

She lives with you half the time of course you should be involved it's your house hold expenses that are paying for it! I think it sounds a nice thing to do for her but it's not right for everything. There will be lots of differences between the kids anyway as dsd lives with another family she has a whole life with half the time and who knows what will happen by then her mum may marry a rich millionaire or become one herself and dsd may go to a whole other super expensive school, your and dh financial situation could worsen (this can happen easily to anyone in the blink of an eye even very wealthy people a legal case, serious illness etc are all things which can change finances) i would let her mother decide just as long as she knows yours and your dh offer is there I think that's enough.

I think you've done a good thing by offering, but it's up to her DM whether it goes ahead. Sit back, leave the offer there and given a bit of time she'll hopefully explain her reasoning either way.

She may feel pressured. If this is her only DC she may not have looked at schools yet, there may be a better grammar close by or somewhere suited to her interests that DM has heard things about. I'm afraid it's just going to take her a bit of time.

I would also say you should involve the mother more in this, but not at the cost of what you believe your DSD deserves. We don't know the full story so let me just advise you to try and engage the mother more, as some pp's have made valid points regarding the mothers resistance. If she is indeed disinterested, then sorry, I wouldn't wish your DH to play these sort of games with his daughters education.

As an aside, my nephew goes to a local private school and I can't sit here and lie, he definitely has more opportunities there than he would at our local state secondary. It's true that not all children would thrive in any given school, but OP, I understand you wanting the best for all your children, so YANBU

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned.. but you say that you feel things should be fair and equal between your children and dsd.. well what if your dad's mum has
more children. If she can't afford to send them to the same school as the one our dsd would be attending that would immediately mark them out as different and she may want her children to have the same education so that it is fair and equal, the same as you do.

That should say your dsd's mum sorry, not dad's

I would suggest that, if you do not end up sending your dsd to private school but do plan on sending your sons, you set aside a sum equivalent to her school fees each year, to give to her as an adult. That should avoid any resentment over unfairness.

Your H needs to seek to resolve this, through formal mediation if necessary. There are even court cases where divorced parents can't agree over education, although hopefully that can be avoided.

I can understand why the DM is reluctant: most divorced families can't afford private fees (and you/your H will be paying fees for three DC) and should your financial or marital circumstances change and DSD was in private school she would have to move schools, potentially at a vital stage of her education and social development.

I think that you have got ahead of yourself somewhat. You can tie yourself in knots trying to work this out in theory.

You need to look at the options available and decide which particular school would be best for your DSD. You are not going to solve this through a state vs private discussion. You are going to solve it through a School A vs School B discussion.

So that means all her parents (and you to a lesser extent) actually looking at the state school and the private and making a judgement between them.

You also have to seriously consider whether she would get in to both of them. From what you have been saying, this might not be a problem. However, those of up who have either had to deal with admissions to a good state school, or entrance qualifications for a private would counsel you not to take it for granted that she will have her pick of either.

If the private is competitive to get into, she will have to start preparing for exams next year, so this is something that you will have to consider sharpish.

Agree with buttered parsnips on this- your step daughters mum sounds quite different in attitudes to you and your husbands. You maybe want to take that into account when deciding your communications / negotiations strategy.

On the surface she could feel railroaded into something else which tips the parenting % more in your favour.

Some people don't like private schools. Some people don't like the "in your face confidence" of some private school kids (even if that is an unfair stereotype). Some kids don't do well changing friendship groups. Some people value locale over what a private school offers. Who knows, could be any reason.

The costs are not just fees, uniforms can be dearer(though I know state school uniforms are spiralling with single supplier etc), exam entries, trips, clubs, transport.
It all adds up and it may be that she sees the associated costs being much higher than the local school.

Although DSD's mum might not be able to afford school fees everyone on here seems to be painting her to be some kind of lower class person who'd need to tug her forelock were her daughter to attend the private school.

There are many types of people at my DS's private school, not all go on the trips and do every activity etc and no-one looks down on those that don't for whatever reason that may be (some because they don't want to!)

DSD's friend's sister is already at the school so it is more likely than not that her friend will be going to that school which is only 15 minutes from her home and served by transport (so there is no onus on her Mum to get her there).

I would keep avenues open and ask DSD's mum to go to an open day ether with you or on her own if she'd rather to get a feel for the place.

A decent education is the best thing we can give our children and if in this case the private school is the best fit then go for it.