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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private school and step child - who is BU?

257 replies

ChewyBricks · 14/09/2017 11:47

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

OP posts:
RiceBurner · 14/09/2017 15:08

If DSD's mum decides she really doesn't want DSD to go to a fee paying school, could you perhaps put the money you would have been spending on fees for her etc into a bank account for her to access for extra curricula actvities she might not otherwise have done and/or for tutors if needed later on? Like that she will understand (when she's older) that you have treated her as fairly as you were able to education-wise in the circs?

I think that's what I would do in your current position.

Myheartbelongsto · 14/09/2017 15:12

You should respect the mothers decision.

Oldie2017 · 14/09/2017 15:22

Under the law if parents cannot agree the court will decide. It is much better if they can agree. The court will decide on what is in the best interest of the child,. Perhaps your husband could take his ex round the school (without you there) so she can get a feel for the place and he can talk about how his daughter will get there eg our child's private school had a team of school coaches from all over and you can check where your nearest stop is , how the child will get to that bus stop, the cost of the bus service and if there are coaches if they stay late for a club and the school puts people in a class with others who live nearer where they go.

Also is this a good private school or a bad one? They do vary so check out the destinations of leavers also is she likeily to pass the xam or not or if they take just about anyone who can pay is it academic enough?

Bitlost · 14/09/2017 15:27

Why don't you send your children to state school? Problem solved.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/09/2017 15:31

So i take it you and you dh will happily pay for ALL the expenses related to going to private school?
Like uniforms, extra curricular activitiues, school trips, materialistic stuff so DSD doesn't feel like the 'odd/poor person' when compared to her friends?

There's also the question of the longer school holidays.....is the mother expected to suck up that cost?
Or will you be suggesting DSD spends that time with you too?

Your socio-economic status enables you to have a lot in common with other parents/families who send their dc to private school.....if this isn't the same for the mother then why would you want to alienate her like that?
Or is she meant to just 'suck it up'?

How would feel if YOU were being dictated to about your dc like this?`

Sounds to me like you and dh are using your money to undermine the mother and the role she plays in her daughters education/life.

TiesThatBindMe · 14/09/2017 15:33

To me it reads like you have picked a school for her daughter and she ain't happy.
I don't think I'd be happy either in the circumstances.

Emily7708 · 14/09/2017 15:38

I think you are being very optimistic saying that private secondary is "abstract" to a nine year old. Surely there will be entrance exams? Is she extremely bright or has she been tutored up until now? My DD attends an independent primary and I'd say that 75% of the class are being tutored for 11+/secondary school admissions from age eight onwards. All the decent independents are super selective in our area (London) - it's very cut throat. I hope you're not getting DSD's hopes up by assuming that as you are paying for secondary you can pick and choose where you send her. Unless it's different in your area?

MaisyPops · 14/09/2017 15:41

Sounds like the OP can't win:

Send her children private but not SD = people will have a go at how awful it is that she treats the children differently (in other words people would expect the OP make the wrong choice for HER children because of the step childs mother)

If she doesn't show an interest then she's a nasty step mother who has favorites

If she tries to treat them same and give them all the same opportunities then it's not her place to do that.

The OP is doing 50% of the SD's time. Yet people think she is wrong to be involved.

Typical rule for step mothers: treat step kids as one of your own children but don't treat them the same as yours because the mother has every right to tell you not to.

CheerfulMuddler · 14/09/2017 15:43

I think if it were me I'd feel a bit Confused about this. What I'd want is for me and your DH to make this decision together - to visit all the local schools together, local state secondaries, local fee-paying schools, and decide together which of them was the best fit for our daughter - taking in all sorts of factors like how academic she was, where her friends were going, what the ethos of the school was etc etc. And then sit down and discuss them together and choose the best school for our daughter.
I would feel upset if my partner just announced which school my DD was going to "because that's where we're sending my other kids". Because that's a decision I'd want a part in. And I'd be quite aware that DD might grow up to resent the fact that her brothers went to a posh school if she didn't, which would just make me more confused and angry, because I'd feel like the decision was being taken away from me even more.
I don't think you're being unreasonable - you have every right to send your sons to whatever school you want, and I think it's brilliant that you want to give your DSD the same opportunities. But I do think you need to tread very carefully with her mother and make sure this is a decision she and your DH get to make together.

lunar1 · 14/09/2017 15:44

Could they have some kind of mediation to talk through the decision together with someone impartial. Maybe your dh would need to be clear and put it in writing that he will also take on the extra costs associated with private education, trips, activities, uniform etc.

It shouldn't be mentioned to the dsd until her parents have agreed. If she ends up not going, your DH could keep the money and pay her uni fees or it could be given as a house deposit.

Fudgefase · 14/09/2017 15:52

How about asking DSD? She might want to go to the same school as her friends.
Also, that's a decision her mum should have been included in before you decided it like that. You were a bit assuming, tbh. Include the other parent right at the beginning - it's her child too.

TiesThatBindMe · 14/09/2017 16:00

OP you need to try to realise that from the day that little girl was born, her Mum was planning how she would be parented, what food she would eat, what activities she would be involved in and yes, what school she would go to. You've now pulled the rug out from under her. It's not kind. She will feel pressured because it may be a better school and she would be unwise to deny her child such an opportunity. But at the end of the day you are threading all over her dreams for her daughter. Thread kindly.

Northend77 · 14/09/2017 16:15

GetOutOfMYGarden why is it up to DSD's DM to decide if it goes ahead? Why can't her DF decide?

GetOutOfMYGarden · 14/09/2017 16:29

Northend77 because parenting decisions are made by both parents. DF has made his opinion known, DM clearly needs time to come to a decision and add her input.

PixieChemist · 14/09/2017 16:37

It's always the bloody same on mumsnet isn't it. You literally can't win as a step parent or dad. Why should mum's opinion trump dad's, particularly in this instance when mum has less contact? If the situation were that mum was pushing for private school and dad who had less contact was against it he'd be told to get over himself and do what's best for DD. I don't get why even when a mum cba she's still the decision maker?!

You sound lovely OP. DSD is lucky to have you both Flowers

PixieChemist · 14/09/2017 16:39

Is everyone else just ignoring this bit:

She has been a bit 'disengaged' with most things DSD over the years. Big decisions have tended to be left up to us for her convenience.

So she wants input when it suits yet her view should be the final one? Right... okay... Hmm

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/09/2017 16:40

Typical step parent responses.

You won't be able to win here, if you treat them the same you are wrong, if you treat them differently you are wrong, if you speak to the child you are wrong, if you don't speak to the child you are wrong.

It is a good offer. Sometimes private school is not the best choice but often it will be better than state school and give the child more opportunities.

Surprised at all the 'if the mum says no'. As typically again the mother is some sort of angel who has to be treated a certain way and her thoughts and wishes upheld - above all others, including the child!

There is 50/50 care so the wishes of the dad matter just as much as the wishes of the mother. And it is good to speak to the child and take her wants in to account.

MaisyPops · 14/09/2017 16:53

pixie The thing is according yo some on MN the mother should be able to make whatever decisions she likes, whenever she likes, dip in and out as she likes and it doesn't matter what she does, her opinion has more weight than the dad

Thr step parent (if it's a step mother) should butt out, but if Mum is posting and she has a new DP then he is obviously going to be a better dad to those children than their real dad.

Par for the course really.

OP you sound like a lovely stepmother and your SD is lucky to have you. I think the mother may feel a bit railroaded by secondary school being discussed so early so you may need to tread carefully and be sympathetic. But if the Mum has form for just wanting a say as and when then I can't blame you and the dad for wanting some plans.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 14/09/2017 17:05

I think when the time comes for applications that DSD's Mum should go on the school tour with her Dd, usually after september of her being in Y6. That way she can see for herself what it is like and if she would like to send her Dd there. If she still doesn't like it, then I'd put the money away each year that we would have spent on her education and let her us it for Uni or a car, whatever she would like when she's grown.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/09/2017 17:06

But why does her wishes trumps what the dad wants?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/09/2017 17:30

But why does her wishes trumps what the dad wants?

They don't. But the same can be said the other way.

I think I would find this difficult and I am struggling to understand why that might be the case. I think it is the assumption this is better for my child without actually taking the opportunity to discuss the wider issues that everyone else has mentioned here.

Ultimately, you can make it a decision of the courts. Hard to say how that might work out as both sides likely to have reasonable arguments for and against.

Can the ex give any concrete examples of how she has been pushed out of decision-making? Has your partner always been fair with money (and can prove it)? Is there a discrepancy in household incomes? Is mum of an age when she may still have more children?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/09/2017 17:32

Why should mum's opinion trump dad's, particularly in this instance when mum has less contact?

Depends how less contact has come about? Because the Law says education is something both parents have an equal say in? Because there are many perfectly reasonable arguments being presented here about managing the cost of private schooling in the long term?

Osolea · 14/09/2017 17:33

I'm amazed at some if these responses, op sounds lovely and very much like she and her dh are trying to do the right thing.

I don't agree with the suggestion of putting the money aside for Dsd if she doesn't go to the private school. It seems like that would just be creating a different problem in store for the future. If the Op and her dh are going to have a huge lump sum to give to the dsd when she's older, then they have to provide that for their younger children too. They can't say to their twins that they don't get the same house deposit/money for travelling/whatever because their parents decided to send them to private school but chose not to send their sister.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/09/2017 17:40

The same could be said the other way but if Mum says no and Dad says yes then surely the child gets a say?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/09/2017 18:11

The problem with the child having a say is that you are pitting her between the two people she loves most. How does any child make the best decision in those circumstances knowing one parent will be upset at the response?

It is also worth saying that as parents we frequently make decisions in our children's best interests that our children don't necessarily want or like. My eldest child, for example, attends a high school he didn't want to go to when in year 6. He was devestated when told we had decided on the school. He is now in year 10 and has loved high school. We sent him to that particular school because we believed it was the one that best suited his needs. We weren't wrong. If he had gotten his own way, I believe he would not be happy today and would be facing failure, bullying and an uncertain future. Should we have listened to him?