Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

I don't understand why the op is getting such a drubbing on this thread.

They are being kind.

If fm can't appreciate that maybe she has the same chip on her shoulder lots of posters appear to have.

Ah, 'chippy', the lazy word that puts us oiks in our place.

OhReallyOhReallyOh...if the mother wants a night(or more) out, she should do it on days when her DD is scheduled to be at her DF house(for Pete’s sake, it’s supposed to be a 50/50 split yet she cannot be home for her DD for half the week? Especially if I had to miss some of my parenting time with my DC because of work, that would make me EVEN LESS likely to decide on going out on days(or nights) that I finally would get to spend with my DC. Not to mention, at 9yo, I guarantee that this child realizes Mom is going out instead of spending time with her. If she doesn’t have to work on a particular day, night, or weekend, then she should be home with her kid, plain and simple. I have 5DC and if(very big if) I want to go somewhere, I go on the 2 weekends a month my DC are with my ex. That’s 4 Days a month my boys are with my ex, she has around 15+ Days/nights to plan her personal life. I think the mother is the ridiculous one. I do not go out on other nights w/o my kids because I know that, as the mom, they rely on me. Moreso if the other parent is not being reliable.
Also, for those that say that the OP wouldn’t have a say if this went to court or mediation, you are possibly mistaken. I know in my situation (of which there is 2) as parent and as the child. In both situations, the “legal residential parent” (which comes down to exactly how many days the child stays in each home), is the one who has the child more. It can never actually be 50-50 because there is 365 Days/year. Even if the split is 182/183, the parent who has said child 183 Days is residential parent, this decides what public school the child would go to(among other things). If DF is residential parent, the Stepparent would have a voice in the court (at least in my case, that is fact) as well because most courts accept that once step parents are involved, there is more than 2 parents that the DC listens to and almost always more than 2 parents that take on a good amount of the caring. This doesn’t mean that the DM loses a say but, if she has no reasons (or daft reasoning) to back up her hesitation, the courts will side with DF. Especially because of the living situation, specifically the more than 60/40 split, the courts would then have knowledge of, could very well then put her in a position where DF is awarded primary legal AND physical custody because of the lack of communication on the DM’s part.
SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT I WANTED THD OP TO MAYBE SEE A PERSPECTIVE THAT I HADNT SEEN WRITTEN ON THIS THREAD JUST YET.

Additionally, can she 'keep up'? I could send my son to the school I work at with a significant discount. But we cannot keep up with the other families. I cannot afford £2k trips abroad every year, skiing holidays (which many of the families at my school go to in groups), 5 nights of activities etc. If you DSD's mum feels like she'll be the poor relation, that her child will only socialise when she's at yours then she might fear that eventually she'll be with you full time and not want that.*

This. If DS was offered an all expenses paid place at a private school I would turn it down due to the social aspect. All his friends would have a certain lifestyle that would clash with his - holidays, clothes etc - stuff that matters to teenagers. I know a 70 year old who went to a private school on full scholarship but was from a different income bracket and he resented every moment of it. Yes you and DH can provide a lot of these things but it sounds like her DM can't and that will cause issues down the line with her and DSD's relationship whilst she is a teen.

bold fail...

I think the additional costs is a good point. Plus my 8 year old has a solid group of friends who will all be going to the local secondary school so perhaps you may need to think and talk more about it.

On another note I think it's lovely that you show and play an active part in her life. Can't win with some people!

If you want to be a martyr with your kids NWojtanowski, then go ahead. The fact that most parents take nights out without their kids and hire childcare/ask parents is not something to judge them on at all.

Perhaps she feels that if you and your husband are paying for her education, she will lose the right or ability to be involved in future decisions about her daughter's education.

If I were you I would have a round-table discussion with her to find out what is behind her feelings. Maybe she is vehemently opposed to private education, or maybe she has an issue with the particular school you are considering. Does she have other children who she worries will feel left out? Does she feel she will lose her say in her child's education?

It may be that you can resolve her concerns with a legal agreement of some sort. It might seem unnecessarily formal, but if she has a guarantee that she will always be fully involved in every decision relating to her child's education regardless of her financial contribution, she might feel more comfortable.

Would also be well worth having your step-daughter involved in the discussion so her views are known. Maybe she is the one who isn't keen and so her mother is putting on the brakes? Or maybe she is super keen and her mother would benefit from seeing that.

I hope it all works out for you all!

She is probably just unsure about having you guys pay for it, if you make sure you are nice about it and softly softly she will probably come round to the idea. Make sure she knows she would not be on the hook for extras and that the dad wouldnt hold it over her all the time.

It is each to their own and I can see some benefits of private school.
However her mum could be refusing for a number of reasons.
There is so much more to school than academic learning. I believe a lot of learning at school is mixing with people from different backgrounds, I.e well off families and poor. It’s a life lesson in itself and something I want my ds to be exposed to.
So maybe her mum thinks similarly to me.
Plus maybe if she’s doing well as it is at state school perhaps her mum wants her to carry on this way and not separate her from her friends ‘at the local comp’ which could be be unsettling.
Also, you are predicting the future by thinking she may feel you have played favourites by sending the twins to private school.
In equal measure, looking to the future, if she does very well at state school, then it may be that instead of resenting that her stepbrothers were privately educated, it may give her confidence and self belief that she did well on her own without the potentially better opportunities/better teaching that private school MAY afford.
She may think I’m glad I didn’t go to that private school if she has an excellent experience at ‘the local comp’.
Maybe ask your sd mum what her thoughts are?

I don't understand why you are so invested, OP? Surely this is a discussion for your DH to have with DSD's Mum? It really isn't anything to do with you.

Perhaps she feels you are over invested in her daughters schooling. Maybe if you left to both parents and didn’t get involved she would feel comfortable with the idea

It's up to the child's parents to discuss what is the best thing for the child. I don't think you should have much of an input. Also she could be worried that if the fees become to burdensome the child may have to leave and she would have no control over this. And also extra costs such as trips, school uniforms and so on. And good point about your SD's Mum having other children in her household.

It was four months ago. Maybe things have moved on for the OP and her family...

Old thread

Yeah you shouldn't be talking to the SD about it without talking to her mother first and I'll be honest I'm not sure I'd be over joyed about a step mother to my daughter deciding she has the right to make all these decisions about my child either. It should be you DH and the SDs mother discussing her school

sorry I mean it should be your DH and the SDs mother discussing it*

oh didn't realise this was an old thread

Why has this old thread been resurrected?

If you are paying maybe she feels that you are having more of a say in her daughters education and that you might therefore have more influence with her daughter and the school. Shivery also has a good point about extras too. Has she visited the school you are looking at to see what she thinks and find out about it?

A pretty irrelevant perspective NWojtanowski given that the last post on the thread was last September.

You have given the offer but you must discuss this further with DSD's mother and not with her. Important decisions about children should be discussed with the relevant adults in the first instance.

Unfortunately for you, ultimately the schooling decision, whether you like it or not, will be made by her mother. Her having local friends to her mum might be more important to her and she will still receive a rounded, if not, excellent education.

State is not necessarily worse than private - a lot of it depends on the school and on the child.

There is so much more to school than academic learning. I believe a lot of learning at school is mixing with people from different backgrounds, I.e well off families and poor. It’s a life lesson in itself and something I want my ds to be exposed to.

Rather naive to believe this wouldn't happen at a private school. Has it never occurred to you that children from all types of background attend private schools e.g. children of members of the armed forces etc? You seem to think that only "well off" people educate their children privately - far from the truth in my experience.

@NWojtanowski

Why are you resurrecting old threads?

Chanelprincess - im not naive at all in thinking the demographics are likely to be more varied in a state school. I think it’s a valid point made with my own common sense.
For a child in private school it’s likely someone has to be paying for their education. Or the child has won a scholarship because they are academically gifted. Or some children from families in the forces. So the mix is far more well off families or exceptionally bright children who have been sponsored to attend.

Therefore, Of course children in state schools will be more likely to be exposed to those from different financial backgrounds than themselves.
my ‘local comp’ covers a very varied catchment area with children from rich and poor backgrounds some bright and some not so academically gifted. And yes some kids will also have parents in the armed forces.
My belief is that this is a valuable life lesson, exposure during school to diversity. Call me naive all you like but I believe it teaches kids lessons that serve them well when they mix with people from all walks of life as an adult, and will have to have contact, at some point, with those brought up well off/very poor/not very bright/very bright/parents that doted on them and parents who couldn’t care less.
My ds will have the opportunity to mix with all of these different people and I think that’s great. Anything he achieves will not be because of any privilege to his education that we have paid for.
But I understand there will be some benefits of private school and it’s entirely up to the parents of the child. Whatever suits your family.
Anyway I didn’t realise this was a dead thread so the op won’t be reading anyway.