Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

Jeezo redpony I misread 30 mins for 30 miles. Easy mistake.

We actually don't know how many miles. It could very easily be 30 miles.

Get off your high pony.

Good idea. the DSD may hate the local comp, or indeed the private school

My DS has just gone to a secondary that is miles away from where we live, but the difference in the school he was expected to go to and the one we chose is stark in terms of attitude from the school.

the closest school is complacent and doesn't seemingly care about kids or parents, the one he went to really are keen to grow the school, and make it clear that whatever issue the child may have, they have a solid structure to support them.

All I asked of DS was to go to both and see which school felt best for him, the decision was difficult because all his friends are doing something different (to each other too), but it was as clear as day which was the better fit for him.

friends of mine could afford for both kids to go to private, but one of the kids didn't want to go, so went to the local secondary.

You've misunderstood my post. I don't look on the comp as inferior. I meant will DSD look on going to the comp as inferior to her brothers?

But why would she? Just because you're paying for them to go to school and not her? Do you mean she might get to adulthood and think "oh dad paid for my step brothers to go private, but not me?". I do appreciate that you're trying to treat them all equally, I honestly get that. But I think what others have said - this is between your DH and his ex wife. Granted, if ex wife can't actually come up with any reasons then its confusing for you as to why she won't agree. I do think 9 is too early to be thinking about it - my son is in year 6 and we're just looking around secondary schools ahead of the application deadline at the end of Oct. I think you need to stop pushing DSD and wait until all the schools have open days so she can look round them all and compare at the same time. Put her name down at the private school as a potential (if you need to reserve a place) but don't expect her to take up the place if she gets to the time and decides the state school is better for her.

Again, how would you feel if someone else was looking round schools for your DSs and involved in deciding what was best for them?

Well in a sense, my part in it all isn't really relevant.

I'm the one posting because DH doesn't come on MN! But I suppose it really boils down to: DH is willing and ready to pay to send DSD to private school, but her mum is resistant but won't say why.

Who has final say in that situation? The parent who wants the child to go, or the parent who doesn't?

I'm sensing that you don't want to discuss this - but I'm guessing that Mum is a very different personality from you and your DH??

To be discussing secondary for 3 year olds is thinking quite far ahead. and while there is nothing wrong with that, especially for a competitive private school, it's not what everyone does. Indeed 9 is still quite young for most DC to be narrowing down secondary options. I can imagine that Mum thinks you are jumping the gun, and yes probably feels rail-roaded by a conversation, that she thinks can wait.

You should not have discussed this with DSD.
You have just put her mum in an untenable position.
Is she says no - she is the bad guy.
If she says yes, she risks losing time with & control of her DD.

Sounds very much as if you are manoeuvring to get DSD living with you.
You are trying to push mum out of her own DD's life.

I think DH and I will still be together in 7 or 8 years' time!
So did his first wife.

I work for a private school - I manage the finances.

There are many many complicated arrangements for fees which usually end up blowing up when parents split up or remarry. The number of notes where we have to tread carefully etc. when it comes to the finances are staggering. Many ex-partners use the fees as a weapon and it's really awful getting in the middle of the nonsense.

If I were her, I would be concerned about the lack of certainty. You are looking at around £45k per year for all three children - a LOT of money. She will be aware of this and may understandably feel that, if that becomes a burden, her daughter might suffer before your children.

Additionally, can she 'keep up'? I could send my son to the school I work at with a significant discount. But we cannot keep up with the other families. I cannot afford £2k trips abroad every year, skiing holidays (which many of the families at my school go to in groups), 5 nights of activities etc. If you DSD's mum feels like she'll be the poor relation, that her child will only socialise when she's at yours then she might fear that eventually she'll be with you full time and not want that.

This is not a 'simple' situation - it's very nuanced and you have to remember that things can change suddenly. What if your husband gets made redundant? I'm guessing you're talking about a start September 2018 - she'll be 10/11. A redundancy a year or so after that would be really detrimental to her education.

If I were the mother I would feel more comforted if the funds were held in trust so I knew that her schooling was secure but it wouldn't alleviate my other concerns.

I think your offer is kind, and comes from a really good place. I just don't think it's the simple solution you seem to believe it is.

Chewy, this has been really interesting for me, I have offered the compromise state of going to two private school open days with ex & son whilst son will also visit local comp with his Primary school. Once all visits are done, we're going to sit down the three of us & discuss it. I am desperately hoping he ends up at my first choice private as I think he would benefit massively but I am preparing myself in case I end up dissapointed & have to suck up the local high school.

I can't speak first hand but if I was mum to DSD and I couldn't afford private and ex DH was offering I would also hesitate. Things that would worry me would be:

• what if suddenly DH couldn't afford it and she had to be pulled out of the school? How much control would I have over being able to help get her through it?
• it's quite a way from where I live. On the days she's living with me she has a fair journey
• should I place such a burden all on my ex? Does it mean I'm beholden to him in any way and won't have as much say?

I'm sure you and DH are lovely and wouldn't make her feel like that but I would have trust issues depending on their relationship and reason for split. I would see what DSD wants to do.

She doesn't want to be dependent on you. I wouldn't accept this kind of money from anyone, especially not an ex-husband.

I think that you need to ask DSD what she wants to do. Take her to an open day. You also need to make it clear to her that her brothers will be going to a private school (and explain why) and that you will pay for it if she chooses to go. You need to make it very clear that there will be no burden or expectation on her mum and that you will be covering the cost in full for both you DSs and her (if she wants it). That way she will know, whatever decision she makes, that there is no question of you or your husband favouring your DSs. It will also mean that her mother will not have the opportunity to influence her decision by pleading poverty.

Would their mum be welcome to attend parents evenings and socials and performances instead of your dh if she so wishes? If so then you need to tell her. But if this is your DH's way of pushing you as the main second parent then you really need to examine your life choices. How would you feel if down the line an other woman was making these kinds of choices for your kids?

Just a thought: can you not, with her mother's agreement, just put her name down now and then make the final decision after much more discussion and careful thought later?

I have to say though I don't really think you ought to be getting much of a say in this, and I suspect her mother thinks that too; I know you're close to her and raising her with your own children but you are her step mother not her actual parent, I think leaving it to your DH and his ex is probably the politic choice here (even if you're advising him closely behind the scenes).

moanyoldcow has hit the nail on the head - I also second the whole private school 'life' thing - it isn't just affording the fees, its going on the right holidays / living in the right houses etc.

I've got several best friends from Uni that were private school educated - I adore them but their families and lifestyles are so far removed from my (very nice and middle-class) state school upbringing. Perhaps the ex wife doesn't want that for her DSD but can't articulate that to you? You are effectively pulling the DSD away from her mother in terms of friendship cirles, lifestyle etc. and it must feel very awkward and worrying for your DHs ex wife.

Dare I say, I feel your posts have come across as suggesting that state is inferior to private which is really unfortunate if this has somehow filtered back through to your DSD (and her mum).

I am surprised you feel it's acceptable to wave something you clearly feel is better or somehow far more inviting under a child's nose when the decision is an adult one to make and has not been decided on.

That's not really ok.

What would happen if your DH were to die? (sorry genuine question, trying to help)

We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not

the problem is that is for any reason your circumstances change (redundancy, illness, death) she might have to carry the can

plus oif she ever has more kids she will have a disparity

its a big ask and more complex maybe than you realise?

With regards to the private school - will you also be funding the extra classes/trips etc? Or will you effectly stop at the fees and then expect your dh's ex pay the rest? No point going to private school if you then give her a second tier school experience compared to the boys. Your DH should pay for everything.

That's a bit like me saying to my kids I'm going to take you to Disney land to my kids in the full knowledge that their other parent doesn't wish me to do so and will not give consent.

It's manipulative

It's hard, because the OP/StepMum can't win. again.

If she sends 'her' DTs, the DSD/DSDmum may have room to say that the new DTs are being treated to more than the DSD.

So the OP/SM and her H offer the same to the Ex and the DSD and it's potentially viewed with suspicion - relying on her Ex, feeling left behind, not able to cope with the 'lifestyle' aspect, or simply not wanting her child being a Private School Kid. It's something I would worry about having seen how a lot of posh kids turn out

She may have an inferiority complex about her life and the lives of other parents/OP, she may be fiercely independent.

She may even be lazy, as the private school requires more input,

The main thing I think is to have an open conversation about what's bothering her, and then do the open days together and keep her very much involved.

I think as a SM you sound really lovely and involved in the family dynamic, perhaps make sure that DSD mum feels valued and vital to the team?

Oh course they should be discussing it with the DS. She is 9 not 4!

She should definitely get a say in where she goes to school.

This has to be a joint decision. But I'd worry that if one child doesn't go to PS they might resent this in future. And I agree if the DM remarries and has more children who would pay for them to go private. And the DM might not want what she sees as financial dependency on you and your partner.

Does she have other siblings?