Private school and step child - who is BU?

[ChewyBricks]

DH and I have DTSs aged 3 and we also have DSD (DH's DD) who is 9. DSD lives with us half the time.

We are in the very fortunate position that we can afford to pay for all the DCs to go to private school. At the moment DSD goes to a state primary near her mum's house (about 30 mins away from where we live) but when she goes to secondary school, we want to send her to the private school near us, as we will also do the same for our boys when they start school.

The problem is DSD's mum doesn't want her to go. We've said we'll cover the fees and she doesn't have to contribute anything, but she's making all sorts of 'not sure' and 'I'm not keen' noises, but hasn't really articulated why, or given a sold reason why not. I know some people are vehemently against private schools (I don't really want to start a debate long those lines!) but if she has any strong moral or political objection, she hasn't said so. The school is in between both our houses, so distance isn't an issue. We can all drive, have cars, etc.

I'm not sure how to move the discussion forward. We want DSD to have the same opportunities as the twins. And it doesn't seem fair to just send the boys private and not DSD when we can afford it.

if the mother wants a night(or more) out, she should do it on days when her DD is scheduled to be at her DF house(for Pete’s sake, it’s supposed to be a 50/50 split yet she cannot be home for her DD for half the week?

Ah yes, mother’s must martyr themselves at the alter of their children. Funnily enough, I don’t know of anyone’s social interests revolving around their children -sports clubs, concerts, shows, friend’s birthdays, work nights out etc. do not all conveniently fall on a day that we don’t have our children. Equally funnily enough, the mothers of together families don’t get called bad mothers when they want a night out. In fact, it is actively encouraged that mum’s with husbands should have lives of their own. Single mothers, on the other hand, are prostitutues should they feel a desire to join in with normal social activities. Sigh.

RTFT AND CHECK DATES.

The best way to approach it is to advise her to look at all the options, then sit down altogether and discuss all the pros and cons.

In her shoes my biggest fear would be that dd would fit right in with the "crowd" as part of your family but wouldn't fit in with her mums. As she gets older will she prefer to spend more time at yours and start resenting her mum who can't provide the big house, extras and life style of her peers. i'd be frightened of her being slightly ashamed/resentful of me.

I can see this happening to a lesser degree in families known to me. Not because they can't keep up but more that they can't completely keep up. Kids are often very "me me me' as teenagers and don't look at the sacrifices being made, they only see what they don't have, compared to others.

Considering the topic was not something that would have happened by now, I saw no reason not to post. I have just as much right to make a point to the OP as anyone else and I think most are ridiculous to say she has no say whatsoever when she IS OBVIOUSLY the primary carer of this child. Whether or not DM accepts this or not is irrelevant, realistically speaking, there are 3 people parenting this child. There are 3 adults and 1 DD who needs to have what’s best decided for her and with her(to a small degree).
Also RADIOGAGOO, it is not “being a martyr” as you put it, it’s making a conscious decision to be with my children during the time they are home with me. Excuse me if I feel it is extremely UR to only have your DC half the time yet she still decides to go out when she should be at home, spending time with her DD. I think ANY reasonable parent would make the conscious decision to make plans when their DC are with the other parent especially if their job sometimes interferes with some of my specified days/nights.

What is her financial position like

It is difficult when the costs all fall on one parent what happens if circumstances change. Also if you are not financially that comfortable you are put in a position where you and your child become very aware that they are the poorer child in the class I shouldn’t matter but it isn’t easy being in that position

NWojtanowski you have resurrected two old threads today. Although you might like to have your say it's unlikely the OPs are still looking for your input.

It’s not like the thread is a year or more old, the thread is from September and what do you care if I comment on an “old” thread or not?