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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 09:56

I don't see how that could work long term to be honest

What happens when he meets someone else and she starts staying round?

I completely get where you're coming from, but you're neither married or own half the house, so i don't think you'd have a leg to stand on if he wanted you out.

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 09:58

Posted too soon!
You also can't kick him out of his own house, he owns it!
And with regards to the NC, i just don't see how it's viable, especially long term.
I would suggest seeing what benefits you are able to claim if you haven't already and looking into the possibility of getting a job, is viable.

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 10:00

You need to separate your finances as well as your living accommodation. Do not share a room. Ensure you do not cook for him, nor clean his parts of the house, you need to establish you own sitting room in your bedroom.

You also need to start the maintenance process for the children as part of your separating your finances.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 10:00

How are you supporting yourself?

Sounds unworkable....do you now pay him rent?

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 10:05

I don't think it's workable long term but I'm between a rock and a hard place. I gave up my financial independence to have our kids, which we agreed was best.

As he wants to end it, isn't the onus on him also to find a workable solution? Or even move out?

I have said that I could move in with family but they are miles away. Also, why should I do that? That's fraught with stress for me and the kids and my family, it's not their problem.

OP posts:
RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 10:07

Of course he shouldn't move out, it's his house! Yes he has a responsibility to his children, but he has no obligation to provide you with a home.

This is why people need to marry or get protection in place before having children, especially if they're planning on giving up work. I see so many threads like this - where relationships have ended and there's no marriage, the house is in the mans name and the woman has quit her job. She then has no money, no savings, no employment/pension and nowhere to go.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 10:08

We have separate rooms, I couldn't pay rent, have no savings, and have only a few hours a week while youngest is in unit. Why would I actively choose to get the state to pay my rent? It's DPs responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 10:10

Ron well the children need a carer, which is me, so yes DP is responsible for me too.

If I wasn't around he'd need to pay someone to do my job. Which seems to be unpaid childminder!

It would be different if the kids were older and teenagers. Even then, he works long hours.

OP posts:
ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 10:11

No, you are not his responsibility.... only his children are

Quimby · 14/09/2017 10:14

"You also need to start the maintenance process for the children as part of your separating your finances."

Would he need to pay any maintenance when the kids are living in his house 7 days a week?

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 10:14

If you are not in a relationship it isn't your Ex Ps responsibility to pay your rent. I'm sorry to be harsh. Your living accomodation is your problem, but he certainly isnt going to be moving out of his own house and funding you.

I echo the poster above, women (or indeed men) who allow them selves to become financially vulnerable, having children without the safety net of marriage and equal status, are at best, foolhardy.

Amanduh · 14/09/2017 10:16

Go no contact.. whilst living in his house with him.. and your kids?
No.
If he wants to end your relationship, why would he move out of his own house? That's also a no.

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 10:16

Would he need to pay any maintenance when the kids are living in his house 7 days a week?

Is he supplying 100% of their needs? because if he is, she will lose residency when she moves out unless she can demonstrate she is providing for them the bulk of the time.

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2017 10:17

When you say "a good while" what timescale are you thinking of? Months, or years?

Unfortunately, as you are not married, your ExP had no responsibilities to you in law. Morally, yes, but nothing enforceable.

Do you get DLA and carer's allowance for your DC? Do you have a social worker or support worker? In your situation, social housing is the solution.

Your ExP will not move out of his own home. Give up on that way of thinking now.

You need a plan, even if it's not something you feel you "should" have to choose - you need to deal with the realities of the situation you are in.

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 10:18

If I wasn't around he'd need to pay someone to do my job. Which seems to be unpaid childminder!

Is that really how you see yourself as a mother?? Sounds like you don't even want to care for them

As pp's have said, he has no responsibility to you, just to your children.

As he wants to end it, isn't the onus on him also to find a workable solution? Or even move out?

Don't be ridiculous, you can't sponge off him forever Hmm
Should i now move in with some gullible chap and when he ends the relationship, i demand that he moves out of his house? No obviously not Hmm

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 10:22

A workable option here is for you to leave the kids with dad and you move nearby ( bedsit,house share)

As the carer then you carry on as you are now as he's out all day at work. You just sleep elsewhere and then at least finances are split

I know it's not ideal but if you can't find suitable housing or rent somewhere then what options are there?

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2017 10:22

Why would I actively choose to get the state to pay my rent? It's DPs responsibility.

Not in law, unfortunately.

So as you have no funds, you need social housing help.

If your EXP moved out, he'd have to pay rent & a mortgage on the house you're in, plus all associated bills for both. Most people's finances on a single wage cannot afford this.

Stop focusing on what would be the ideal solution in an ideal world, and look at what is possible in the real world.

Flowersfor you. Caring, relationship breakup, all really tough.

DingDongDenny · 14/09/2017 10:24

People are being so harsh on here, I can't believe it. The OP has a disabled child she is caring for - we don't know what that involves, but I very much doubt it's as easy as 'get a job'

I would start with getting some advice about what you are entitled to OP - either benfits or maintenance, CAB should be able to help with that

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 10:32

Maintenance?? What kind of maintenance are you talking about??

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 10:32

Life is harsh, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. We would be doing the OP a complete disservice if we all told her 'keep the hous hun, kick him out' when you damned well know in law she has not an iota of legal right to the house. Neither does he have any legal responisbility to provide any sort of spousal support to someone he is not married to.

Idontevencareanymore · 14/09/2017 10:32

Were you married? Do you have any legal claim to the property? Assuming hemail owns it?

If not then no. You can't make him give up his house for you. However you would be entitled to get help from the council in regard to finding a new property. And he will have to pay you maintenance for the children.

Also if it's rented I'm sure there's legalities regarding him being the tenancy holder and not residing there. Maybe a trip to CAB to look at your options.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 10:36

As he wants to end it, isn't the onus on him also to find a workable solution? Or even move out?

Errrr no. It's his house Which he solely pays for!

LavenderDoll · 14/09/2017 10:37

He won't have to leave his house
He also isn't responsible for your rent

BeepBeepMOVE · 14/09/2017 10:38

He isn't responsible for you. He shouldn't be paying your rent or having you live free in his house. Ridiculous. If you got a job then you'd pay half each for a childminder.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 10:42

What are his thoughts on this long term op?

I think you both need to get over the sulks and sit down together and make a plan

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