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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:22

@RonSwansonsMoustache OP has already said she expects him to pay the mortgage and bills for two properties.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 14:22

OP I get it's an unfair situation but you are martyring yourself quite well

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:23

And I am with OP. If I split with DH it will be HIM moving out of the house

But you're married and that's the crucial difference. OP isn't married and doesn't have that protection.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:23

@RonSwansonsMoustache OP has already said she expects him to pay the mortgage and bills for two properties.

I know, I was just curious if she'd be as keen to do the same if the situation was reversed!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:24

And I am with OP. If I split with DH it will be HIM moving out of the house (even tho it isn't my name on the deeds)

Good luck with that Hmm

off the deeds to our house she never paid a single penny into

Therein ties the difference. The OP has no beneficial interest and isn't in the deeds.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:25

And I am with OP. If I split with DH it will be HIM moving out of the house (even tho it isn't my name on the deeds)

Good luck with that hmm

Missed you are married. That's different. Marriage is the protection.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 14:26

If he was on a very good salary and could afford to continue to pay the mortgage on his own house and buy you another home then maybe that is what some people do. But this isn't really the reality for most people when they split up even if they have been married. Can he maintain two homes without you working?

CrazyDuchess · 14/09/2017 14:27

Is your Ex a high earner? Could he actually afford to maintain 2 households?

CrazyDuchess · 14/09/2017 14:28

Sorry x post!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:29

@CrazyDuchess OP has said it would be very tough.

SilverySurfer · 14/09/2017 14:29

OP, it's obvious you are in a very difficult and emotional situation but you are being completely unrealistic. The house is his, you do not contribute to it financially, you are unmarried, it is totally unreasonable to expect him to continue paying the mortgage for that house and your living costs and then move out and pay for a second mortgage. Only an idiot would agree to it.

You keep on about awful social housing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, thousands/millions choose to live in social housing. You need to move out of his house and then ensure he pays maintenance for your children.

If you are sensible you will plan your exit from the house, before he gets pissed off and chucks you out on the street.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 14:29

But presumably if she's against state help it wouldn't be " just" two mortgages it would be all expenses

wannabestressfree · 14/09/2017 14:35

You didn't answer any of my questions though.
Is your house adapted for your child?
When you say 'unit' in what way do you mean?
Has your child got a social worker or a support worker?

The point I was trying to make was though.... you won't be rushing anywhere. I was in desperate need of help and it was years before I got what was suitable.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:37

Thanks annie

We did agree that I was the best person for our child as I'm really helping him hugely, which was nice to be acknowledged.

I've tried to point out that means that what's best for our child is me, possibly forever, being flexible enough to cope when placements have fallen through (they have!). Basically, that means, that my future, unless things change drastically, is not being able to have a job consistently enough to pay a mortgage, get a pension etc.

It depresses me that DP has his head in the sand about these implications. I've tried working from home, all sorts. I'm a worker! However I've come to the reality that I am going to be financially dependent on DP for a very long time. ME. Because I'm the carer. I'm the best one to care and that is just the reality. I'm not particularly over joyed that I will be so dependent. I've worked all my life.

Other options, like putting this duty onto social housing, or me saying that we will be fine, are just letting DP feel that it will be OK. It won't.

But of course, I'm not going to be able to go NC for a really, really long time, I don't want it for me, I don't want it for the children.

OP posts:
CrazyDuchess · 14/09/2017 14:37

Ahh okay.

Unfortunately as many others have stated the law is not on your side here, and in all fairness I understand why his family would take his side in things.

You could wait and see, maybe you both can co parent in a fashion that allows you to go back to work and save up for a rental deposit.
You could at least look into getting on the register - it may take a while to find somewhere suitable. They are not horrible and will provide you and your children the security you need.

Good luck OP

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:40

wannabe The house does have adaptations, and he is currently in a specialist unit rather than mainstream school. There was an assessment of needs and a social worker was part of that, however the resources as so bad in my area that I have not an ongoing support worker in any form.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:42

crazy thanks. However I am very demoralised that anyone would think his family are OK to 'take his side'. It's totally crap of them and I'm beyond angry that they don't care what happens to us - as in me and the kids. I'd happily never talk to them again to be honest!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:45

However I am very demoralised that anyone would think his family are OK to 'take his side'.

They are his family!

I'm beyond angry that they don't care what happens to us - as in me and the kids.

Where have they said they don't care what happens to you or the DC?

All they have said is he shouldn't leave as it's his house.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:45

However I've come to the reality that I am going to be financially dependent on DP for a very long time

But you can't rely on his financial support. I"m really sorry, but you can't. Yes, you may well be the best carer for your child, but your ex is not obliged to pay for your accommodation and bills for the rest of your life.

His only financial obligation is to his children - he doesn't have an obligation to house you, whether your child is disabled or not. Unfortunately having children and giving up work without the protection of marriage is a huge risk, and so many people don't realise until it's too late.

Why are you so against moving into social housing? It could give you lifelong security for both you and your DC, which will be vital should his disabilities mean he needs lifelong care.

Foxysoxy01 · 14/09/2017 14:45

" Basically, that means, that my future, unless things change drastically, is not being able to have a job consistently enough to pay a mortgage, get a pension etc.

It depresses me that DP has his head in the sand about these implications. I've tried working from home, all sorts. I'm a worker! However I've come to the reality that I am going to be financially dependent on DP for a very long time. ME."

No OP you are going to be dependent on the welfare system.

You will probably get some maintenance from him for the children but he will not have to legally support you in anyway. Welfare i.e. Careers allowance and disability allowance will have to cover your day to day costs and housing benefit will have to cover the cost of your home.

That's just the way it is.

If you had married then he would legally have had to pay some money for you maybe even a portion of the house but you are not so there is no point banging your head against a brick wall!

You need to take steps to be financially independent other than for child maintenance payments. You best bet would be speaking to CAB rather than going round in circles saying how shit it is and how he will just have to do X,Y and Z.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:46

silvery 'only an idiot' would agree to what ...
Taking care of his child?!

Honestly we live in a very misogynistic society still if it's perfectly OK for social housing money to be spent to compensate for what is, a parent's responbility rather than paying for those people who really need it! I think Trump has infected the minds of some posters here... !

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:48

I think Trump has infected the minds of some posters here.

Stop being ridiculous.

You really aren't listening.

You can't expect him to pay two mortgages and all the bills in two properties indefinitely. It won't happen.

He rightly will have to pay maintenance for the DC.

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 14:50

What on earth has trump got to do with this?

Surely you thought about the legal situation before you had kids? Knowing if you were to seperate you would legally be owed nothing?

CrazyDuchess · 14/09/2017 14:52

"I think Trump has infected the minds of some posters here"

OP people are trying to help you here and explaining the realities of your situation. I don't think you are quite ready to hear it so maybe you should take a break, try a few weeks NC with your Ex in the same household and come back and let us know how well that's worked out for you and your children?

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:52

we live in a very misogynistic society still if it's perfectly OK for social housing money to be spent to compensate for what is, a parent's responbility

IT IS NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY FOR YOUR HOUSING.

He has a responsibility to his children. Not you. You are responsible for meeting your housing costs. If the fact that you have a disabled child means you can't work, then you'll need to be reliant on the state.

I hope people read threads like this and learn a valuable lesson about how much of risk having children outside of marriage is.

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