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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 13:27

You are still filling your posts with emotion!!

That will not benefit your children.... they will pick up on the stress and atmosphere and suffer

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 13:28

Because the law doesn't work based on promises!

MidnightAura · 14/09/2017 13:29

So what is the best solution in your eyes can I ask? He moves out of his house and pays the mortgage and the rent on a place elsewhere?

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:29

piglet actually laws concerning cohabitation and also looking after children with a life long disability are way behind.

OP posts:
ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 13:29

'He said,she said'

Where do you think he should go op??

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:31

For the children - the best solution would be for them to continue to live in a stable home not social housing. midnight Or would you suggest that unstable and temporary housing and financial hardship would be better?

OP posts:
RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 13:32

What's she supposed to do now and why doesn't the law protect her and the children they agreed to have in that situation?

Because there's no proof! The law doesn't work on promises. If you want the protection of marriage - get married!

There is no law in England that protects "not marrieds".

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 13:32

I'm not sure what you want us to say though, OP. The house is in his name and he pays all the mortage, yes? That means you have no claim on it, unfortunately. You don't have a legal right to stay in his home, and unless you have your own accommodation sorted, you run the risk of having to leave your children behind. And as you're unmarried he's under no legal obligation to financially support you, even though you do care for your DS together. It's shit but it's the law.

Whether that's right morally or best for the children is neither here nor there, really. We can't change the law and we can't make your ex "do the right thing".

What is your long term expectation? That he moves out but continues paying the mortgage for you to be able to stay? That would be an extremely unusual situation.

Again, I would recommend you get some professional advice, understand your rights and your ex's responsibilities, and make a plan from there.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 13:32

You can't force someone to marry you.

The OP could have jointly bought the property with her DP and been joint tenants. She didn't.

fuckingroundabout · 14/09/2017 13:33

If that is the best solution for the children then you move out and leave them there then

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:33

Thanks anutter.

You know if this was just me, our our children did not have a disability or they were older. I think I would give up and just leave. Not that it would be fair either as by bringing them up and allowing Ex to work is a financial contribution.

However because I know our child will suffer unnecessarily, it's not really OK to be moved into unstable accommodation, then yes I will get emotional, I will stand up for it, and I won't just back down!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 13:34

For the children - the best solution would be for them to continue to live in a stable home not social housing.

A few posters have asked you now. How will you pay for the house if you did stay?

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:34

Leave the children without the stable parent who has brought them up?

Thanks but no, strangely enough I'm part of the package on that one as it would harm them to have me abandon them to child carers.

I'm sorry but ground what a twat.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 13:35

I will stand up for it, and I won't just back down!

You are setting yourself up for a big fall.

KimmySchmidt1 · 14/09/2017 13:35

it was unreasonable of you to get knocked up twice and live in his house without being married, because now you have no rights at all.

Please, please don't do that again. We work so hard to protect women from oppression and abuse around the world and then you do something like that to yourself and I just think some women are too daft and silly to help.

As you say, its house, so in the end you will have to do whatever he wants.

MidnightAura · 14/09/2017 13:37

I can't say what the best situation is . I feel dreadful for you I really do. I've been the child in a separation, well divorce and my father moved out and wouldn't pay the mortgage. My mum couldn't afford to on her wage alone. We had to move. Social housing was considered but in the end wasn't necessary.

The thing is though, my mum couldn't force him to continue paying the mortgage for a house plus a mortgage on his own house. He didn't for a while but it wasn't a long term solution.

I don't think in your situation going NC with your ex whilst trying to live together is a solution. What happens when he meets someone or you do? Not to mention it can't be the best atmosphere for the children.

I agree with the posters who have said you need to apply for social housing asap.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:37

My solution, would be we look at if me staying in the house was affordable and DP moving out and mortaging a smaller one.

I could at some point in the future also contribute but only with part time work for a while.

If that doesn't work, we sell up and get smaller properties on in not so desirable areas, and both have mortgages again paid mostly, but not solely, by DP for as long as I am not able to work full time.

OP posts:
MidnightAura · 14/09/2017 13:37

did for a while

fuckingroundabout · 14/09/2017 13:39

You need to get it into your head that you have no legal standing and therefore the best thing you can do for your kids is not fight a battle that you will not win but instead take steps towards securing housing and benefits.

Moral wise you are right but the law isn't based on morals and I can almost guarantee that as soon as he gets a new partner you will be given your matching orders with no notice.

There is no point digging your heals in you don't have a leg to stand on, instead unbury your head and take steps now.

If it were me the first thing I would be doing is going down to the council or calling shelter and explaining the situation and the need for stable accommodation. The disability will be taken into account but you need to speak to them first to do so.

KimmySchmidt1 · 14/09/2017 13:39

the differences between being married and not being married are not arbitrary, they are very deliberate.

that way if you have lots of money and a house, you only have to share it by choosing to marry someone.

the other person can then decide if they want to live off you without security, or get married rather than be insecure, or get job.

Everyone get to choose. that is the deliberate situation. the choice between committing financially to someone through marriage or not committing to someone financially through marriage.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 13:40

My solution, would be we look at if me staying in the house was affordable and DP moving out and mortaging a smaller one.

If that doesn't work, we sell up and get smaller properties on in not so desirable areas, and both have mortgages again paid mostly, but not solely, by DP for as long as I am not able to work full time.

You seriously aren't being realistic and extremely naive.

Even when divorcing people aren't expected to pay the mortgage/rent and bills on two properties.

It isn't realistic and it isn't going to hapoen

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:40

I don't want to go NC but other than taking the kids to social housing and moving out the house forever it's my only recourse.

To be honest I think DP is counting on me leaving like a good girl and not making a fuss. Because I"m not the sort of person to make a fuss. Like when I gave up work in the first place and moved in on the promise of marriage!

OP posts: