To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

[Puttingontheritz23]

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

I still agree with everything you've said (well, except wishing it on another poster & the Trump bit, but I understand why you're frustrated, upset & angry). So many people haven't listened, haven't read what you've written & just want to stick the boot in. It's bloody horrible & I'm sorry that on top of everything else you've had to read some of this crap.

I agree, like you I don't understand why the state has to step in & pay benefits & housing etc when there are two parents who have chosen to have a child still involved. It's bonkers. (I'm glad it's there for women people who need it, BUT men people shouldn't be allowed to just walk away from the responsibility or pay a pittance, which CM is. Why is the state responsible and not the parents?

You've made it VERY clear what you both agreed (about stopping working then going pt/ft as the kids got older). I'm not sure exactly why people are failing to grasp the concept that your child has a disability & YOU are best placed to look after them and your ex/partner AGREES, & that this is going to be very long term, if not for life. It's a WHOLE DIFFERENT ball game to having a child who will become independent & leave home.

This thread would have been entirely different 10 years ago. MN has changed & not for the better.

Actually, OP, social housing is less costly to the state than housing benefit for private rented accommodation!

Have you claimed DLA for your SN child yet? If not, you need to do that asap, as you can't get carer's allowance without it.

Get CAB, law centre or similar to help you with the forms. If there's a charity that supports families with the type of disability your child has, ask them to help with the forms as they often have specialist staff who know about the ins and outs of that condition.

If you're moving a long way away from where you are now, be prepared for a bit of a battle with the council when you apply for social housing. Most councils will only let you go on the housing register when you've lived there for 2 years, so you should really apply to the council where you live now.

Even if you move away, you can remain on the register where you live now. If you're moving in with family, you should be fairly high priority - you'd be second from highest in the area where I work, or highest priority if they accepted medical needs because of your SN child.

You should also try getting a 3-bed place if your child's behaviour is such that they can't realistically share a room with their sibling.

Honestly OP, I'm quite shocked at the venon in this thread, directed at you. Absolutely awful. No wonder you are upset.

I hope you find a solution that works for all of you, and maybe some of the practical advice dotted here and there is useful.

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There have been lots of really good posts too. I hope some of these are able to help you get the proper legal advice you need 💐

people shouldn't be allowed to just walk away from the responsibility or pay a pittance, which CM is. Why is the state responsible and not the parents?

Who has said he is going to walk away or pittance? Just paying the CM basic isn't compulsory.

What people have said is that OP can't expect not is it reasonable for him to pay for everything forever. It isnt viable.

And totally agree with AnnieAnonieMouse btw.

Yes, some people are sticking the boot in but the facts remain the same.

So what would OP have been advised on here 10 years ago? To hold tight and deny the law is an ass and the precariousness of her situation now they're splitting up and hope her ex is happy to keep supporting her indefinitely? Would that have helped her?

I'm not being a dick, I'm genuinely wondering what you think would help her more, sympathy and platitudes or practical advice on steps she can take to improve her situation?

Thanks so much Annie and Goingto you have single handedly restored some of my faith in humanity.

There was a lot of venom and it has upset me quite a bit. However I will just keep your and some other responses and take them on board.

I will move to my families which is very far away however at least I will also have their emotional support. DP is not keen on this. However I'm not full of options and this seems the best long term for the kids and me.

Hello putting, more for you. Perhaps also depending on your poison of choice.

If your ExP is usually a fair man, and usually not morally reprehensible, and does value your sacrifice and care for his DC, despite your personal relationship issues now, then would he agree to some sort of mediation? I think Relate offers a service where they help couples splitting up but I may be wrong.

If he is a high earner, enough to support 2 households, perhaps there is a position to be reached.

In law, you have to admit, no one would advise him to leave the house, but another place for himself, but still pay the large mortgage on your property in perpetuity.

However, like I say, if he is not a feckless arsehole of a father, I'm sure he will see his disabled DC will need lifelong support.

If you sold the big house, and bought 2 smaller houses, could one be put in your DC's names, with a clause drawn up in his will that you have a lifetime right to reside?

Is there enough equity, and is his earning potential great enough to make this a possibility?

I still think that social housing, closer to your own family, could in fact be the best and most appropriate route for you, in terms of benefits e.g. council tax waiver, etc - you are otherwise reliant on just the child maintenance, and what happens long term when your DC are not children any more? but it is true that if he can support his DC then it would be morally right for him to do so. But it has to be in a way that is not precarious for you in the future - you don't want to go through this twice.

Presumably he used to be a decent bloke. If you can get mediation, it might be a way forward. Try to get other irons in the fire first and all your ducks in a row.

Don't worry OP we don't all live up to the Mumsnet life standards. Shit happens, bad judgement, circumstances change, promises get broken and people change. I hope you and your children find happiness and support in moving to be with family. And as 'D'P is a high earner I hope the CSM (or whatever they are calling themselves these days) nail his bollocks to the wall.
A fresh start sounds like a good plan and ignore the cunty presumptuous responses; telly is particularly shite tonight so I'm guessing that's bringing them all out the woodwork,

It's very easy to get caught up in the 'shoulds' - I did for months when ex decided to join the army when life with 6-month-old twins (1 with significant needs) got too much.

You don't need to instantly move away to family far, far away. Find out what is in the area social housing wise if you want to stay close to their father.

Speak to him and find out what he envisages the future being. You know him, you know what he's like. Don't live in a house simmering with resentment for 2 or 3 years and have the upheaval then if you can do it all sooner and save yourself the aggro of sharing.

It's unfortunate that you don't have the protection of marriage, but it is what it is. As the parent of a disabled child you have enough fights ahead of you so please save your energy for them, rather than waste energy fighting ones you've no chance of winning, I almost ruined myself doing that.

If he is a high earner, enough to support 2 households, perhaps there is a position to be reached.

The OP has said it would be extremely difficult for him to do so.

And as 'D'P is a high earner I hope the CSM (or whatever they are calling themselves these days) nail his bollocks to the wall

How delightful there is no suggestion he won't support his DC!

piglet that's what I thought!!! Bloody nasty.....

I did check Piglet - OP has been pretty vague about the exact financial position. All we know is that he is "highly paid" with a "big mortgage" on a big house.

So it could be the case that selling big house = equity to buy smaller place outright (protected for DC) + deposit for ExP to get another property himself on a mortgage.

Or it might mean big mortgage on big house = no equity.

OP seems fairly convinced there could be a way her ExP might be able to support them. She may well be wrong, but it's worth exploring.

He is a high earner, and could, possibly, support two households. I didn't say he couldn't piglet who gets the award for one of the most negative posters. Who is assuming he will support DC, I didn't say he would either way. I actually don't know.

I also said that I'd like to see two households talked about as a possibility however I know that might be difficult, as in we'd have to look at other areas, smaller houses, budgeting. It could well be doable. Ex DP has not wanted to discuss that so far. Thank you barefoot and nosquirrels

There is a suggestion that he won't adequately support the dd. Why would the op be so unable to conceive of even part time work if she could expect her ex to contribute funding for a suitable level of care , or look after his kids eg if she got a weekend job - it's not like she wants full weekends available to hang out as a family .

OP seems fairly convinced there could be a way her ExP might be able to support them

She didn't just want him to support them though, she wanted him to pay for absolutely everything including all bills. It won't happen.

I didn't say he couldn't piglet who gets the award for one of the most negative posters

Realistic not negative.

Yes you are right squirrels Ex is a very high earner, and the house is big. There is enough of a deposit for two properties, and smaller mortgages for smaller houses could well be an option. I'm not saying it would be easy, but I'm good at living within a small budget.

I agree Piglet that it's not realistic (or actually desirable for the OP, in fact) for her ExP to pay all the bills on the big property they currently live in, plus a new place.

But if there was a legal compromise, where Ex or his DC benefited from the situation ultimately, whilst not leaving OP exposed to his whims in the future (so an outright purchase for her & DC & he gets a property on a mortgage, not 2 mortgages & the risk of him stopping paying one, for instance) then that could be realistic. Depending on the sort of bloke Ex is.

As I say, it's all shit & unfair, and I still think social housing is precisely for people in your situation, OP, and will ultimately make your life better than being tied to your ex forever financially/uncertainly.

and smaller mortgages for smaller houses could well be an option

How will you pay the mortgage and bills? It would be your responsibility to do so

You might suggest he buys one property as a BTL, and then 'rents' it to you on a long assured tenancy. You could then claim the benefits you'd be entitled to, and he ultimately gets the equity/property. Would need careful checking on rules about rental agreements.

Two mortgages where he pays both long term is a) unlikely, 2 residential mortgages will leave him exposed to second home taxes, and all bill x 2 and crucially, b) not a good position for you as it makes you vulnerable to him just stopping paying.

With a signed tenancy agreement you'd all be better protected.

There is another thing that could happen if the ex is pushed - he could go for full residency as the OP is technically homeless...

Realistically there WILL be another woman along soon.... he's already cheated

No new relationship would survive with 2 households to support

Yes.... he could also apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent op moving the dc hundreds of miles away