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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:02

fustrated in what way has he been more than fair?

Interested in that one.

I was paying half the mortgage for him, then enabling him to work and pay the mortgage.

If we agreed that he gave up work and not me. It would be my mortgage!

OP posts:
RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:03

Who should pay for full time care but one of the parents?

But he will be paying for his children - he'll be paying child maintenance. But he is not obliged to support you as well. You chose to have children and give up your job without the protection of marriage. No, nobody plans to have a disabled child but that doesn't mean your ex is obliged to support you until the child is at school or an adult or whatever. He's obliged to pay maintenance, that's it.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:05

fustrated it is entirely his fault I have no money or work.

I have his child! Who has to have full time care and only has a couple of hours a day at a special unit!

I had a well paid full-time job before I had our child. I gave it up, for our child. Don't understand the 'more than fair business' at all.

Let's reverse then shall we. See if it would be fair on HIM.

I work, pay the mortgage, my name, my house. EX looks after kids full time and cannot work because of it. I should kick him out with the kids and carry on living in the house that will some day be mine entirely. EX can live on social housing...

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 14/09/2017 14:06

What you would like to happen/ what should morally happen/ what WILL happen are frankly poles apart.
In an ideal world he would agree to all those things and support you with your child - your joint child. Understanding the complexities of looking after a disabled child.
I have two. My ex did leave me in the house and then stopped paying the mortgage [his bit] and we were evicted. We were in rented accommodation for six years and then given social housing due to my health problems.
Is your house adapted? does he have occupational health? support workers? could you argue the case that your house is the best place... because it could be replicated.
I think the 'nasty' answers are just those trying to show you when you are separating to prepare for the worse. And to be more practical. You are thinking emotionally and it would help you in the long run. Yes your ex does have a m obligation to support your children but that's it...... you are better off starting the process and applying for help then waiting until its thrust upon you.
And this is the voice of experience............

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:06

ron actually many people are obliged by courts to let the main carer of the children stay in the marital home until the children are no longer dependent.

There's a good reason for that.

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 14:08

If you paid half the mortgage I'm not 100% but that is different and you may actually be entitled to something, or so I'm lead to believe from other threads.

And he seems fair that he's offered you a place to stay seemingly with no time limit, doesn't mean you should stay, or that he really wants you to stay but especially without the protection of marriage that is definitely an outlier, there are many that even when married find themselves thrown out the night or next day of a breakdown of the relationship. He seems like he's nice and you asked him to go NC and so it sounds like he has but then you say he's ignoring you but that's NC. Seems like although he did break off the relationship he is making it as easy and comfortable as he can with no obligation to, yet you want to make it as uncomfortable as possible for him by seemingly wanting him to buy you a house!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:09

it is entirely his fault I have no money or work.

No it isn't!

I work, pay the mortgage, my name, my house. EX looks after kids full time and cannot work because of it. I should kick him out with the kids and carry on living in the house that will some day be mine entirely. EX can live on social housing.

That is the reality yes.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:09

actually many people are obliged by courts to let the main carer of the children stay in the marital home until the children are no longer dependent.

Yes, when you're married. Not when you're not married and living in a house that's in his name.

You're in a shit situation and I really sympathise, but what is fair/what you want to happen is, in all likelihood, not going to happen.

The law offers very little protection for people who have children/live with their partner without the protection of marriage. He's obliged to support his children, but he's not obliged to house you just because you're their main carer.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:10

actually many people are obliged by courts to let the main carer of the children stay in the marital home until the children are no longer dependent

Only if it's affordable and if the person staying in the marital home can afford it.

They aren't expected to continue to maintain two homes!

It certainly isn't a foregone conclusion.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2017 14:12

Forget me for a second. Focus on the child.

I think this is the way you may need to go with your ex. Unfortunately you didn't get married because you were so focused on meeting your child's day to day needs that you didn't think to focus on the wider picture.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:14

wannabe I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't know why rushing into social housing is going to help anyone though, least of all my child. At least they get some more time in a stable house! And at least for you, you did get some time to stay in the house. I'd say that was better than nothing.

However I'm not sure posters telling me I'm foolish or that my Ex owes me nothing are helpful at all.

I'm under no illusion about the law. However many of life's very crucial choices are made by us because we cooperate with each other, without that being legally binding, that we find the best outcome.

I have suggested talks with Ex with a counsellor about this situation.

I am cross that his family think it's fine for him not to leave the home - as I do think that they are not thinking of our child at all and if other people were more angry on my behalf it might actually help to find a more equitable solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:15

piglet the home with the children is the one that is prioritised. I'm not sure why that's such a revelation or unusual thing.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:15

I'm under no illusion about the law

Yet you keep posting things that either aren't the law or aren't going to happen.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:17

the home with the children is the one that is prioritised. I'm not sure why that's such a revelation or unusual thing.

It has to be affordable for the person staying there. A court doesn't award unaffordable mesher orders in financial settlements.

So again, how will you pay for it and the bills?

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 14:17

I see three options here:
A) you get a job and move out leaving the children with him. You pay him maintenance for being the residing parent and to help pay carer/childcare costs
B) you apply for social housing and benefits, moving yourself and your children with you. He will pay you maintainence for you being the residing parent
C) you continue to live together and him pay for you until he rightly gets fed up and kicks you out, because he realises he owes you nothing, effectively leaving you in bigger shit than you are in now

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:17

fustrated I don't really rate 'not kicking onto the streets you disabled child and their mother, their main carer' as being very accommodating or kind. What a sad world we live in!

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/09/2017 14:18

I'm sorry you've had a lot of stupid & nasty replies on your thread, there's just no need for it and it's not at all helpful.

I agree with everything you've said. Everything.

Sadly, the law isn't on your side & sadly, what 'should' happen seldom does. Whether you're married or not, it's just a bit easier if you are.

It's hard to give any advice when you don't know the people involved but he said he wouldn't kick you out & you said you'd like him to leave. What did he say to that?

I'd put it to him like this... your youngest requires 24/7 care & will do for a very long time, if not forever. He's 50% responsible for that & whether that's achieved by coming to an agreement between you that you stay in the house & he pays you x per week or that he has 50/50 shared care so that you can also get a job is up to him really. I know you don't want 50/50 but if he thinks you're serious about this option it'll stop him thinking he can end this and swan about as if he were childfree. He's not. Best he gets a grip on that & fast.

Don't treat the whole things as 'I look after the kids, so you have to look after me'. Phrase it as 'WE have two kids, one with SN requiring masses of care, how do you think we can do this?'

Don't let others shove you down the rabbit hole. It's no wonder women can't get a fair deal when other women are happy to push women into taking ALL the responsibility for the children & let the bloke go back to his single life. This thread is a bloody depressing read.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:20

until he rightly gets fed up and kicks you out, because he realises he owes you nothing, effectively leaving you in bigger shit than you are in now

Does anyone else think the above statement is very mean?! Let's rephrase substituting the child.

until he rightly gets fed up and kicks his disabled child out, because he realises he owes his child nothing, effectively leaving his child in bigger shit than you are in now

If anyone says but you can leave the child again I think I will scream!

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 14:20

I am cross that his family think it's fine for him not to leave the home - as I do think that they are not thinking of our child at all and if other people were more angry on my behalf it might actually help to find a more equitable solution.

Just outta interest I can't remember but how long had you been together? I'd presume he will want some time to see his children so he also needs a place to live. Do you think your family would encourage you to give up such a large asset as a house? I'd say most wouldn't

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:20

Let's say you do stay in his house - how are you going to pay for it? If your child needs full-time care, you can't get a job, so who's going to pay the mortgage and bills?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:20

It's no wonder women can't get a fair deal when other women are happy to push women into taking ALL the responsibility for the children

Posters have suggested shared care. OP completely disagrees. Can't have it all ways.

RachelP247 · 14/09/2017 14:21

Intentions don't carry weight in law. - Unfortunately this is not true. They do. Trust me - trying to get DH ex (not married) off the deeds to our house she never paid a single penny into.... but she has a "beneficial interest" because the intention was that it would be her family home when they were together - We (myself and dim witted DH) have to prove that was not his original intention when putting her on deeds in first place. No mean feet.

And I am with OP. If I split with DH it will be HIM moving out of the house (even tho it isn't my name on the deeds) because I am the main caregiver of HIS children. I think OP should get legal advice on mothers rights to stay in the family home.

Good luck x

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:21

I am cross that his family think it's fine for him not to leave the home

Okay, let's reverse the situation. Would your family tell you to leave a home you'd paid the bills and mortgage on for years, so your ex could live there rent-free until your kids were older?

cestlavielife · 14/09/2017 14:21

--I work, pay the mortgage, my name, my house. EX looks after kids -full time and cannot work because of it. I should kick him out with --the kids and carry on living in the house that will some day be mine ---entirely. EX can live on social housing...

well yes. it isn't fair to make two people continue to live together when they don't get on. bad for the children. ex could live with the DC full time claim all relevant benefits HB etc.
you would be obliged to pay child maintenance as a percentage of your income.

that is how it is.
if you had a "well paid full time job" go back to it - you and EX can pay half the childcare each. it will be expensive as your child has a disability. I know as I have a full time well paid job and a child with disability.
but financially is your full time well paid job more than the cost of specialist childcare?
actually with small children you may find you can find childcare relatively easily unless really challenging behavior or medical needs - in which case may be more expensive/harder. but not impossible. I had series of fantastic nannies with great SEN expereince.

or go down the social housing options/carers allowance/HB route.

Ilovecoleslaw · 14/09/2017 14:22

But you can leave the children

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