To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

[Puttingontheritz23]

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

Why do women put themselves in these situations?!

I'm sorry OP but I do think moving in with family for now and then applying for social housing would be best. You can't depend on him to support you - leave with your dignity and move on.

Yes I think moving with family would be best. I'll leave with my dignity!

He could apply to stop me but I would be extremely surprised if he a) did and b) a court works in the best interest of the children and this clearly is.

If you're the main carrier, your kids should stay with you.

I don't have any advice except there should be some kind of protection for unmarried women who have done everything a wife does, but just because there's no certificate from the government it means nothing...

Yes, he owns the house. But if you'd get something from a divorce, you should get something now. I know marriage offers protection but there's irrelevant now.

It just seems wrong that a woman can play the role of wife, have no financial indepdende, care for the kids and then get told they have to move out with NOTHING. I always thought that if you lived somewhere long term with the impression it was your permanent home- especially with kids- that any separation would see both parents getting something... especislly as it benefits the children!

I'm sorry OP. I know there's a big difference between what's legal and moral but I hope your ex can see that after all you've given up that morally and in an ideal world, selling the house and giving you enough for a home of your own is the right thing. I'm not suggesting he funds EVERYTHING, just that treating the situation as a 'divorce' as if you were married would be fairer.

I don't have any advice except there should be some kind of protection for unmarried women who have done everything a wife does, but just because there's no certificate from the government it means nothing...

Why? The OP could have gotten married at any time. That's an option open to anyone. Or, she could have taken legal steps to have her name added to the deed, etc. An additional protection isn't really necessary. Marriage is the protection.

I do feel for you OP as you are in a bad situation. Please do explore beneficial interest before you make any decisions. I've no legal knowledge but a quick google looks like it could be something to explore.

Getting some legal advice before you leave would be good.

But if you'd get something from a divorce, you should get something now.

Why? They aren't married. It really is that simple.

The problem you have is that he holds the cards in terms of the house, its simply not your decision to stay. However it is in your hands to go and make the best of it. Family sounds like the best option as you are in control of where you go and what you do. If he doesnt like it as you say he can buy you guys a smaller house and support you. Thats up to him. Start thinking about what you can do, not what he might do.

You might suggest he buys one property as a BTL, and then 'rents' it to you on a long assured tenancy. You could then claim the benefits you'd be entitled to, and he ultimately gets the equity/property. Would need careful checking on rules about rental agreements.

You can't claim housing benefit if the landlord is the parent of a child living in the house.

I think moving to be with family would be good in many ways, not the least of which is moral support.
You mention how much but hurts that his family is all on his side, it would be good to have someone on yours

This is precisely why I wouldn't even consider having kids before DH and I were married.

Not sure what to advise that others already haven't

Just one thing to add OP. Try and keep things civil with him (which may mean stopping your 'no contact'). I appreciate this will be extremely hard. However, what you need to do now is negotiate what payments/support he's going to give you and the children in the future. I think this thread's set out how little he legally has to give. You need to play on his moral obligation / conscience and try to get him to agree more. That works better if he's feeling guilty and also works better if he can't use you being unreasonable (whether or not you actually are) to sway his conscience.

You need to agree a settlement asap (speak to a lawyer first, particularly re the contributions to the mortgage/ long term care needs of your dc) so you know what would actually be likely to be awarded by a court as a starting point.

The reason you need to do this ASAP is that his guilt will reduce over time AND he may well start another relationships meaning his priorites would change.

Good luck!

I don't have any advice except there should be some kind of protection for unmarried women who have done everything a wife does, but just because there's no certificate from the government it means nothing...

Why? If you want that protection, get married! If you choose to have children outside of marriage, you need to protect yourself, not expect the government to do it for you. The government offers you protection (in the form of marriage) but you can't decide not to get married, then try and claim that protection anyway.

You can't claim housing benefit if the landlord is the parent of a child living in the house.

Thanks lyra - I knew there were restrictions on renting to relatives, but OP isn't a relative of her EXP. But I didn't know it extended to minors in the house. That's a shame.

I haven't read anything piglet has written and seen 'negative poster'. Most sympathise with your position. I certainly do having been in it. But.....
a. Your very vague about what exactly is wrong with your child. If it's behavioural and they are in a specialised unit you may find the order is granted and you can't move due to educational need as well.
B. You seem at the start of negotiations and hurt. Understandably. Saying you will up sticks and move might hurt your position.
C. You cannot rent a house using housing benefit owned by ex dp.
D. Your child is entitled to those benefits not you so you are acting in his best interests claiming them. He must have a ehcp to be in a unit so will be entitled.
E. Regardless of longevity of relationship your exdp is entitled to move on. You will not just been given housing as I said before so you need a plan. Expecting someone to support you forever more is wrong. His obligation is to his children. You banded words equating to equality but having a child in a unit does not prevent you from Working and setting up your own household. I have done it.
Before you come back and use the words venom or lambast I have been in your shoes. This comes from experience.

Op- as the mother of his children and his long term partner, I am pretty certain you have some legal rights to the property/his income, especially since you left work to focus on childcare, etc. Contact your local CAB for more info.

Speak to a layer about legal rights to property and how long and how much it coukd cost. If he very high earner and millions in the property might be worth the legal fight
But not married
Name not on property

Child has rights
Not op

I am pretty certain you have some legal rights to the property/his income, especially since you left work to focus on childcare, etc.

They aren't married.

Actually OP., in many countries int he world you would be entitled to be looked after by your partner in this situation. England is really shit on a lot of matters related to family. To those who said the protection of marriage is easily obtainablesure, as long as both partners have the other's best interests at heartbut that isn't always true, is it? Also sure--don't have kids with someone you're not married to, but contraceptive failures happen....

OP, one way you might be able to get around this is if you frame your care of your disabled child as your job. What would your ExP pay someone with the specialised skills to do that? Would it be possible for you to become formally employed to do that in some context, so the money is clearly yours? I know we don't like to value the work of mothers, but this is one case where it is clearly screaming out to happen

I don't have any advice except there should be some kind of protection for unmarried women who have done everything a wife does, but just because there's no certificate from the government it means nothing..

No there shouldn't. If people want the legal protection of marriage, they should get married. Cant have it both ways.

You can't go NC in the house, it's not fair on the kids. You have ti keep it cordial but not be emotionally dependent on exP. Hard but you have to. I've been in this situation for 18 months (although not exactly the same as we were married - now divorced - and I work full time). Just getting the financial settlement sorted now.

I had to take him to court as he wasn't engaging with the process, whilst living together. But no excuse not to be cordial around the kids (we have 2). Thankfully relations are currently fine between us.

I couldn't kick him out either, although i wanted to, as we own together. He couldn't kick me out. We have no family near by and he didn't consent to me taking dd out of school to move in with family elsewhere. So we had to wait til things were sorted.

But would women please stop giving up their financial independence for men they aren't married to, while having no legal interest in their home!

Yes contraceptive failures happen but don't give up work!

I can't imagine being so entitled to think that my finances and bills are the responsibility of my ex boyfriend, don't you have any shame, or aspirations of your own to provide for your children?

Yes you have children, and they are his responsibility to support now you've split up. But they're also your responsibility too!

I have a DC with SN, as does SIL. We still have to work! What makes you so different that you think ex boyfriend should have to keep you, pay for your life, and pay two mortgages to buy you a house because you did what women have been doing since the dawn of time, and produced a child?

in many countries you would be entitled to be looked after by your partner in this situation...

really?
as unmarried and no legal status on house deeds?
if you split with unmarried partner in xxx country then they have to provide for you ?which countries provide for this for unmarried partners?
if married yes divorce rules are different regarding spousal support...eg person might have the ex spouse's pension etc

of course child care is expensive with SEN but it is possible to work and have a SEN child - I do - and if not then there are benefits etc which op is entitled to if she lives apart from her ex with care of the children and decides not to go to work. she would also get child maintenance for the children.

if she says she cant work because of the child's needs then of course she should go down route of seeking help from State as well as child maintenance from ex.

if ex is loaded with millions then go to court and get more money - it's a % of income anyway.
if the house equity is millions or loads eg enough to get a deposit on two properties then sure she could claim beneficial interest but it will be a long and expensive process and wont help her right now. and anyway how will she pay a mortgage on this new property? she would have to go out to work - so again it's a choice or taking into account the situation .