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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 13:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 13:42

I agree that this couldn't work for any length of time. Even if it was a big house there would still be problems. I sympathise as you are in a more vulnerable position as regards your rights to stay in the house as you aren't married. You will be entitled to child maintenance but that would nowhere near cover rent and living expenses.

If getting back together isn't an option then you need to make long term plans for the future. Why not make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau as a start.

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 13:43

OP, in the kindest way possible, your ex is not going to pay your housing costs in the long term. Even if you had been married he would be under no obligation to do that.

righthisone · 14/09/2017 13:43

It would have been better for OP to have married, but I imagine when the relationship was newer you didn't think this would happen. No one likes to think their relationship could end.

It's a tough situation.

OP, the morally right thing for your ex to do would be to handle the situation as a divorce... i.e., selling the house and going 50/50. This is what a friend of mine did with her partner- they were not married but had lived in her house for ten years. It was all amicable though and no kids.

Legally you have a very weak and fragile position. No, social housing will not be good for your kids but it may be the only option. We can't talk about what might be morally right here as your ex could just decide it's my house, the law says that, my ex is out.

What are you going to do now?

You need to think seriously.

I'm sorry this has happened. You sound like a caring mum, however, it's clear you're very concerned about your children.

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SalamiSandwich · 14/09/2017 13:45

Unfortunately you're not married, as others have said. He can ask you to leave any time. It's his house, you have no claim on it. Regardless of the situation with your children. Fair and morals rarely come in to break ups.

righthisone · 14/09/2017 13:46

Also, you do have my sympathy. Your ex would have to be a right arse to throw you out, as he's also harming his kids, if you take them with you. If you were married, he'd never be allowed to just kick you out and keep the house. I know it's legal but it doesn't mean it's not upsetting and an extremely hurtful situation.

Foxysoxy01 · 14/09/2017 13:46

Whether right or wrong you are going to have a massive shock coming your way OP!

The best thing you can do to protect yourself now is to speak to the CAB, council, lawyer if you can afford to and work out what benefits you are entitled to and where/when they can House you in a council property.

It doesn't matter how much you stamp your feet and wail about how unfair it all is. The likely hood is that your DP will find someone else and will want you out. You will have no comeback through legal routes and will be homeless without your kids with them being cared for by others.

You need to do some damage limitation now!

CardsforKittens · 14/09/2017 13:47

OP your situation is awful. I really feel for you.

I suppose you could try to get your ex to agree to your solution and that might work - but only as long as he continues to agree to it. So it would be very dependent on his whims (and commitment doesn't sound like his strong point). By all means try to persuade him, but you should probably have a plan B. It's crap, but as others have pointed out you have no legal protection in your proposed solution.

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 13:48

I agree with @righthisone - the absolute best outcome you could hope for is that ex agrees to sell the house and give you 50% of the capital. That would allow you to put down a deposit on your own place (providing there's enough left, obviously) but you would have to pay the mortgage yourself.

But unfortunately he's not obliged to do this.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:50

I actually didn't come on here to vent - however the posts berating me for being 'a fool' and asking me to leave without the children, and inferring it's absolutley fair of my Ex to put me in this position.

Now they got me feeling quite cross!

I'm not naive, I do know I'm in a crap position. However I am resistant about just leaving right away, until there is a better solution. I feel that I am just letting DP ignore the harsh reality of what the kids will go through. He may not change his mind, however I am not going to just make this OK but scurrying off as soon as he ends things.

There could be a better solution. Obviously paying two mortgages would be really tough - so why isn't anyone saying that DP should have thought of that before he willing had children? It's not anyone's fault we have one with a disability and I tell you, the state doesn't give as much support as you think!

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 13:51

Sounds harsh but seems he's been more than fair, he has no obligation but seems like unfortunately a good guy may be taken for a ride

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 13:52

Obviously paying two mortgages would be really tough - so why isn't anyone saying that DP should have thought of that before he willing had children?

Because in no world would he ever be obliged to pay two mortgages. Ever. There's no reason for him to consider that as an eventuality because it won't happen.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 13:53

Because people have children and have relationship issues after ? Children isn't exactly known to make things easier for couples

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 13:55

OP it feels like because you've had children you think he should support you forever more, far beyond what's reasonable. You honestly think he should have to pay a mortgage for you to no doubt own a house not even in his name?

Foxysoxy01 · 14/09/2017 13:56

But OP you don't have to leave right now without your kids!

You do need to speak with the council and get some benefits and a suitable housing situation sorted so you can move out with the kids asap.

If you are happy for the kids to stay with their father in the family home then you need to start applying for jobs, get a deposit asap (beg, borrow or save as quickly as you can) and rent a place near by so you can see them regularly.

Those really are your only options. Doesn't make it fair or right but that's the only situations you have open to you.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 13:56

I think it is unrealistic to expect your DP to move out of a house he owns and find his own accommodation. But if you had been married that's what the laws sometimes says one partner has to do as it would be looked upon as the marital home. But you need to move forward and find the best solution in your circumstances. Don't leave right away till you have decided what your options are. Which aren't many. Either stay together. Or one of you moves out and buys or rents another property.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:56

P.s. Thanks for the above responses they actually have helped.

Believe me, I don't want to go NC. But it was just as traumatising to be toyed with before, with DPs conflicting feelings, and also just as traumatising for the children to move into the unknown social housing sphere. If this even slightly helps to get myself into a stronger frame of mind and DP to wake up a bit, so we can have a better long term future then it's worth it.

Especially as it's very different looking at a future with maybe full time caring forever. Than children who will grow up and be independent.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 14/09/2017 13:57

I agree he has responsibility for his children but, you really can't expect a boyfriend to look after you long term after you have split up.

You need a CAB meeting I think.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:58

peach then who should pay for housing for children?

The state?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 14:00

Thenaze but what if you got together with someone, you both agreed to have a child, and one of them needed full time care forever? Who should pay for full time care but one of the parents?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 14:00

Obviously paying two mortgages would be really tough - so why isn't anyone saying that DP should have thought of that before he willing had children?

Whether you like it or not or whether you believe it to be fare or not he has covered himself by continuing to earn and having the property solely in his name.

As I said there would have been other options to this when he bought but I assume you didn't look into it at the time.

He will not be expected to pay everything for two properties!

I am fully aware of what help the state gives for those with disability.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 14:01

OP I do sympathise. You're in a rubbish position and of course it's hard to raise a disabled child - even if you are married and in a happy relationship.

But unfortunately you are now separated from your partner and you don't have the protection of marriage. You've given up your job and your source of income, and now you're not together, you're the one who's vulnerable. You have no right to stay in his house however unfair that might be - it's in his name and he's the one who's paid the bills and mortgage all these years.

Stamping your feet and being "resistant" will not help you. He has a home and somewhere for his children to live. I think he's been more than fair letting you stay post breakup - he has every right to say he doesn't want you in his house anymore.

The reality is you're likely to end up in social housing as you don't work and have a disabled child. That might sound horribly unfair when he has a home, but it's not your home to stake claim on. You're not married and unfortunately that leaves you with very little protection legally.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 14:02

Well unfortunately as you have no income and may not have a place to live yes the state. Perhaps unpopular but he's been more than fair, it's also not entirely his fault you don't have a place to live or money. I get he broke up with you but having children doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship forever, that's everyone's ideal and expected but it doesn't happen sadly