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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with Ex DP while still living together?

298 replies

Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 09:52

After two years of DP ending our relationship, then changing his mind, then ending it etc we have finally ended it for good this time.

However, we have two kids and one has a disability, and also a dog. I'm the main stay at home carer as the youngest goes to a unit but only part time. I don't work yet but hope to the future.

It's DP house in his name. I'm desperate not to go back to the cycle of 'hanging out' in the house, as last time DP starting buying me chocolates and being nice even though he'd clearly ended the relationship, as I find it head wrecking. He's said he won't kick me out, I have no family near, and frankly I don't want to leave for a good while because, well why should I put myself and the kids through all the aggro? I've told him I'd like him to leave, but of course I can't make him it's his house!

I've said that if he stays I want to be as NC as possible, in order to make the break up as real as possible. It's been a week now, it's so awkward, but I just don't know what else to do. He's avoiding me, but I know he can be quite a 'martyr' and then build resentment and lash out. His family think he should stay and don't care where I go. I'm being cordial, we are communicating briefly about the kids but that's it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 14/09/2017 10:43

I have sympathy for your situation. But you need to look at all your options for leaving. And you need to talk to your ex while doing so.
Work out what you are entitled to. Find out if he wants equal time with the children - which could mean no maintenance paid to you. Look for a part time job. Start building up an emergency fund. Prepare for the worst while hoping and working for a fair agreement. See if any family would be willing to visit for a couple of days to help out while you do your research.

AnathemaPulsifer · 14/09/2017 10:47

How much does he earn? I think eventually you'll have to move out with the kids and rent somewhere with help from benefits, a part time job that you'll need to get, and the child maintenance he'll have to pay. How long you can delay that depends on how well you can get along with him.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE OUT ALONE LEAVING THE KIDS SLEEPING AT HIS - IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL GET NO FINANCIAL HELP FROM HIM OR THE STATE AND IF YOU'RE STILL GOING THERE EVERY DAY TO CARE FOR THEM YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION WOULD BE RIDICULOUSLY PRECARIOUS!

Crunchymum · 14/09/2017 10:49

How old are the kids?

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 10:59

I assume he has PR?

Worst case scenario, he could kick you out and keep the children. Unlikely of course, but nonetheless, it is an option.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 11:02

anathema how can she rent somewhere???

She has no income! No deposit/months rent in advance. Most private landlords won't ( or can't) touch benefit claimants

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 11:13

OP, I think you need to get some proper advice - ideally from a solicitor, but if not, from Citizen's Advice.

Sorry for all the harsh responses you've had here. Some posters seem to love the schadenfreude of saying "well you should have got married" - completely unhelpful and unkind, given what OP is going through.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 11:17

completely unhelpful and unkind, given what OP is going through.

Telling the OP she could kick her DP out of his own home or giving her false hope would also be unhelpful.

VimFuego101 · 14/09/2017 11:19

It's not his responsibility to provide complete financial support for you forever, and your situation is untenable for any long period of time. He's jointly responsible for his children, and you both need to agree how you will support them and what the arrangements are going forward. You need to either leave the children with him and move into a house share/ bedsit, or look into your options regarding benefits and housing association properties to house both you and the children.

If you sit, wait and do nothing you might find that he wants you out when he gets into a new relationship, or that he pushes for residency of the children based on the fact that he can house them and you can't.

LakieLady · 14/09/2017 11:42

I agree that you need to move out, OP. Get yourself on the housing register asap.

All the while you're under his roof, you'll have trouble getting benefits in your own right, because the DWP etc won't accept that you're not still together.

My XH wouldn't move out of my house when I told him our marriage was over. It was the worst 5 years of my life, between that day and the day the divorce was finalised, his settlement paid and he finally went.

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 11:46

@PigletWasPoohsFriend I agree, but that's not what I was talking about.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 12:58

Won't be doing the dc any good either

NameChange30 · 14/09/2017 13:09

You have completely misunderstood the meaning of "no contact" if you think you can do it while still living together. You could try ignoring him but it's not practical or possible or pleasant.

"I gave up my financial independence to have our kids, which we agreed was best."

Presumably at that point it didn't occur to you to protect yourself financially and legally by getting married or getting your name added to the house deeds or any other measures?

I don't know why you think you have any right to continue living rent-free in his house. Morally you may do but legally you absolutely do not.

As PPs have said, you need to apply for social housing. If you need/want to continue to care for your children instead of getting paid work, you will need to apply for:

  • DLA for your disabled child
  • Carers Allowance for yourself
  • Child Tax Credits
  • Housing Benefit and Council Tax Reduction

In addition, your partner is legally obliged to pay child maintenance for the children, the amount depends on his income and the number of nights they will stay with you/him. But he does not have to support you financially; only them, and you will find that the legal minimum for child maintenance is pitifully low.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:18

I'd like to believe that a fair solution wasn't only about what is 'legal'.

And I'm not sure I want to leave my kids and myself so vulnerable and leave. One of them has a life long disability and needs 24/7 care, probably forever.

DP can only pay the large mortgage on the house because I do the childcare and he can work.

I do think as I'm providing life long care for DC that actually he is responsible for the carer of his child. Who else would be? I'm not a single person able to work but just sponging off someone I moved in with.

OP posts:
ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 13:19

You need to take the emotion out of this situation

Focus on the practicalities

NoMoreDecorating · 14/09/2017 13:20

.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:20

And yes I'm not stupid. Trusting maybe. But not an idiot. We had agreed to marry. But again, perhaps I am completely bonkers but I would have thought that as grown ups we don't need the law to tell us to be able to be fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:21

I am focusing on the practicalities. I face a lifetime caring for a disabled child so I'm not just going to make myself homeless because of it, not whilst the parent who is able to work because I'm the carer is free to pay a mortgage and I'm not.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 14/09/2017 13:22

OP, morally you may be right and hopefully your ex shares your morals and would be happy for you to stay in the house but I suspect it's unlikely as legally, you have no claim to it. PPs who have offered advice have done so sensibly, but ultimately you need to a) understand your legal rights, b) consider your options and c) talk to your ex.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:22

I'm actually amazed people are saying that I 'need to leave the children with him'.

So it's best for my children who've had the stability of me being the main carer to be left with a man who works long hours every day and whatever childcare can be cobbled together?

What century are we living in exactly?!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 13:23

We had agreed to marry

You didn't though and that's the point. Intentions don't carry weight in law.

I would have thought that as grown ups we don't need the law to tell us to be able to be fair?

You aren't being fair though by expecting him to move out if his own property.

The law is there for a reason.

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:24

Morally - yes - but this is serious. There's a child here who needs the best and most stable solution.

I don't think making myself homeless or putting myself and our child into the hands of social care is necessarily the best solution. Just because a man's name is on the mortgage and I'm not.

OP posts:
ItsAllAboutThePace · 14/09/2017 13:25

Yes op....it's being suggested you move out alone because you are refusing to move out with them and are hellbent on trying to get him to move out instead!!!

You need to take charge of the situation

fuckingroundabout · 14/09/2017 13:26

I would make steps now to get your own place and benefits sorted.

It's not easy to rebuild but it's worthwhile and then protects you for when the inevitable of him getting a new partner happens

Original poster
Puttingontheritz23 · 14/09/2017 13:26

piglet what exactly would you have me do? So it is not fair to not willingly move me and our children out into social housing?

While a single man earning with a job and a father to said child can just sit in a big house and feel smug that he isn't required by law?

I'm sorry which part of that is fair on the child?

Forget at me for a second. Focus on the child.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 13:26

OP you aren't listening.

The house is his. He has responsibility to his DC not you.

If he did move out how are you going to pay the mortgage exactly?