AIBU to not go to wedding after frozen out of hen do?!
dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 20:53
First time posting...
Friend A is getting married, I'm completely over the moon for her! We are work friends who clicked straight away and I really value her friendship, however I don't think it is reciprocated anymore :(
She moved here for work- away from hometown- and lived here for a few years during which time she met and became engaged. Last year she handed in her notice and moved back home to buy a house settle down etc. I miss her. A lot. Really really a lot.
Since she left, our organisation was hit by massive govt cuts with budget cut in half and I was made redundant. It was a total farce- I would be within my rights to sue- but being a charity, such would see it collapse, everyone would lose jobs and our vulnerable clients would suffer immensely. Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me.
It was a terrible terrible time. Friend B and another close colleague (friend C) deleted me from social media, ignored my texts when prior to this we would text all the time, left Whatsapp groups so that I was the only one left in the group- I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing. They cut me out totally as they knew redundancy procedures hadn't been followed and if I challenged the process they knew their jobs would have been on the line.
Meanwhile friend A set a date for her wedding and invited me and friend B.
Friend A had never gotten on with friend C, so wasn't invited.
I called and text etc friend A as usual until I realised she hadn't initiated contact with me for over 6 months, it was always me calling her.
I got a bit depressed over the whole redundancy and while friend A said kind things and stated that she saw what they were doing and it was grossly wrong, she still gushed over their social media posts and had friend B to stay for a mini holiday.
-I would never expect A to end her friendship with B in some kind of show of loyalty, I'm not that childish-
Anyway 2 wks ago friend A text to say hi and said I had been very quiet and was I still going to wedding/hen do as she realised it would be difficult with friend B present.
I said I was nervous about it but wouldn't miss her celebrations for the world.
Initially (in March) she said I could stay at hers for the hen do, then retracted it unless I bought an air mattress to sleep on the floor due to volume of others staying- or she said I might be better booking a hotel- I did this and made sure I booked a triple room (same price) in case others needed it.
I've bought a dress, arranged childcare (not easy- lone parent, dad has no contact), done the same incl another hotel booking for the wedding, bought a gift etc etc
Today I discovered she hadn't booked me a place on the hen do.
I'm so so so upset.
Plus friend B is now suddenly invited to wedding and hen.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month, I told her I needed to wait till payday and as I'm a teacher (and have tonsillitis) it's been so hectic starting back that I only just remembered so I text her in a panic.
She said the activity was already booked and wouldn't answer when I asked if she could ask if they squeezed me in- activity could involve one participant or 100 participants-really doesn't matter.
Eventually she sent me the contact details to call and ask myself but only after I practically begged.
She doesn't want me there does she?
I'm not the type of person to cause a scene, to ruin her wedding day, but I think she thinks it would be easier if I didn't come.
Should I admit defeat and not go to either hen do or wedding?
Honest opinions please.
NapQueen · 12/09/2017 20:56
Oh this doesnt look good.
I think her misplaced loyalties lie with b. More fool her tbh.
Trampoline11 · 12/09/2017 21:02
Oh sweetheart - this is so horrible. It sounds as if something went on when friend b went for weekend. I think you're right. She doesn't want you there does she and I think you know that? Can you think of anything you may have done to upset anyone? If not, I'd leave them alone x
TakeMe2Insanity · 12/09/2017 21:04
time to move on.
plantsitter · 12/09/2017 21:08
Horrid people. .
SusanTheGentle · 12/09/2017 21:12
Why on earth would you want to go after this? What an appalling way to treat someone.
Drop her a message saying something like "so sorry, I've just realised I've double booked something over your wedding and I can't make it now, so disappointed especially as I can't manage the hen either. Have a lovely day and do call me when you're back from honeymoon."
She'll be furious about it but fuck her. She should have been nicer.
milliemolliemou · 12/09/2017 21:13
I'd just give it up and crack on with your own life. Cancel the hen-do and wedding hotel and get your deposits back. It might break your heart but financially you'd be better off and could treat yourself to something else.
KC225 · 12/09/2017 21:18
I feel for you Op. It doesn't look good. You have been a good friend, open and trusting. Withdraw now with dignity and without further expense. Know your friend has behaved appallingly.
QuiteLikely5 · 12/09/2017 21:18
i would text and say
'So disappointing, I was really looking forward to it'
And see if she comes back with enthusiasm if she doesn't then I'm afraid I would block delete and ignore
MadisonMontgomery · 12/09/2017 21:19
I'd go on the hen do and to the wedding and tell everybody loudly that I was suing my old workplace ( & 'friend' B if that would be at all in the realm of possibility ) for all the dodginess that went on - you don't have to do it, but I would make sure that she was shitting herself about her job and couldn't relax and enjoy herself for a second. And if it wrecks 'friend' A's day - son much the better, she sounds incredibly two faced.
Amara123 · 12/09/2017 21:21
Honestly you will feel better if you put yourself first. I think so many people do what is expected of them e.g. I was invited to a wedding and should go etc. but would be better off if they said "sod that" and put themselves first! Put the night away you've booked to good use (see another pal or go on a spa break) and get your money back for the wedding gift. I've run after so called friends like that and it is a complete waste of time and energy- their loss!
Butterymuffin · 12/09/2017 21:21
I'd be inclined to text 'It's very clear I'm not welcome so I don't think there's any point continuing this conversation'. Walk away.
Runningpear · 12/09/2017 21:22
Don't go, please stop 'practically begging' too, its humiliating and you deserve better.
Do something nice for yourself on the day with the money you save by not going.
Nuttynoo · 12/09/2017 21:23
Just be honest with her. Text her, it's obvious you don't want her there and so you will opt out of the wedding too. Then ghost her.
andbabymakesthree · 12/09/2017 21:25
She doesn't deserve your friendship.
You have two options. Ghost her or confront her
dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 21:26
I wouldn't ruin my friends day, or make it about me.
She said I could just go to the afterwards bit but it's a 3 hr journey each way, plus hotel costs, so I'm reluctant. But I can't say that as I will be the 'bad friend'.
Like I said she was really supportive and I do really value her friendship. I've been looking forward to the whole thing for so long. I'm just sad.
I have a feeling that she has been spun a load of lies. And maybe she worries that I will ruin her day by getting upset. It's her magical day and I understand that she doesn't want that.
BlueSuffragette · 12/09/2017 21:27
Be kind to yourself. Move on, sue work for being treated unfairly then don't allow so called friends to treat you unfairly. Stand up for yourself. You deserve better and it sounds like they deserve each other.
bimbobaggins · 12/09/2017 21:28
Yeah ghost her! You sound too soft, practically begging for an invite, the bit about booking a triple room , in case anyone else needed it, where are all the folk checking if you needed a room
I wouldn't spend another penny to go to the wedding, treat yourself!
Friendship shouldn't be so hard
Idontevencareanymore · 12/09/2017 21:28
Oh dear op. She's being quite unkind.
You have nothing to lose and the truth to gain by messaging her and asking straight "you don't want me to attend hen/wedding do you"
It might make her see actually what a cow she's been or you'll find out you're wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it.
Sally52014 · 12/09/2017 21:29
This is really sad, I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation but with reversed roles. For my hen and wedding I had a friend who showed very little interest/enthusiasm and made it really clear she didn't want to be at the hen or the wedding. So I politely told her after the hen she didn't need to put herself under any pressure to attend the wedding. She was thrown, still came but I know she's a shit friend and haven't had much to do with her since. Fuck all of them OP, you don't need that muck in your life!!!
dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 21:29
I thought friend b might want to share the room for the hen do- thought it might be a peace offering.
Moanyoldcow · 12/09/2017 21:33
She's not your real friend. It's so horrible when these things happen. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Starlight2345 · 12/09/2017 21:33
I think the thing to remember is ...People don't act in the same way you would act...Person a,B or C are not your friends..Make the complaint focus who is important..You and your children..That money would be useful to you.. Don't waste it feeling crap
pieceofpurplesky · 12/09/2017 21:34
No doubt friend b is staying at the house ... whatever your friendship was it has changed and her loyalties are with B.
Cut her off
Gemini69 · 12/09/2017 21:39
what part of ANY of this .... makes you believe this person is YOUR FRIEND ....
cut off every one of this hideous group and do not respond to anything from any of them Lady x
MrLovebucket · 12/09/2017 21:39
I'm a bit confused.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month
Seems you were already invited to the Hen do but failed to pay for it by the required date because you were busy and forgot. Hen went ahead and booked places for the people who had paid. You weren't one of them therefore you were not booked a place.
Have I got that right?
If so then maybe the bride to be is being frosty because it seems to her that you have forgotten all about her Hen do.
(apologies if I've got this arse backwards)
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.