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AIBU to not go to wedding after frozen out of hen do?!
153

dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 20:53

First time posting...

Friend A is getting married, I'm completely over the moon for her! We are work friends who clicked straight away and I really value her friendship, however I don't think it is reciprocated anymore :(
She moved here for work- away from hometown- and lived here for a few years during which time she met and became engaged. Last year she handed in her notice and moved back home to buy a house settle down etc. I miss her. A lot. Really really a lot.
Since she left, our organisation was hit by massive govt cuts with budget cut in half and I was made redundant. It was a total farce- I would be within my rights to sue- but being a charity, such would see it collapse, everyone would lose jobs and our vulnerable clients would suffer immensely. Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me.
It was a terrible terrible time. Friend B and another close colleague (friend C) deleted me from social media, ignored my texts when prior to this we would text all the time, left Whatsapp groups so that I was the only one left in the group- I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing. They cut me out totally as they knew redundancy procedures hadn't been followed and if I challenged the process they knew their jobs would have been on the line.

Meanwhile friend A set a date for her wedding and invited me and friend B.
Friend A had never gotten on with friend C, so wasn't invited.

I called and text etc friend A as usual until I realised she hadn't initiated contact with me for over 6 months, it was always me calling her.
I got a bit depressed over the whole redundancy and while friend A said kind things and stated that she saw what they were doing and it was grossly wrong, she still gushed over their social media posts and had friend B to stay for a mini holiday.

-I would never expect A to end her friendship with B in some kind of show of loyalty, I'm not that childish-

Anyway 2 wks ago friend A text to say hi and said I had been very quiet and was I still going to wedding/hen do as she realised it would be difficult with friend B present.
I said I was nervous about it but wouldn't miss her celebrations for the world.
Initially (in March) she said I could stay at hers for the hen do, then retracted it unless I bought an air mattress to sleep on the floor due to volume of others staying- or she said I might be better booking a hotel- I did this and made sure I booked a triple room (same price) in case others needed it.
I've bought a dress, arranged childcare (not easy- lone parent, dad has no contact), done the same incl another hotel booking for the wedding, bought a gift etc etc

Today I discovered she hadn't booked me a place on the hen do.
I'm so so so upset.
Plus friend B is now suddenly invited to wedding and hen.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month, I told her I needed to wait till payday and as I'm a teacher (and have tonsillitis) it's been so hectic starting back that I only just remembered so I text her in a panic.
She said the activity was already booked and wouldn't answer when I asked if she could ask if they squeezed me in- activity could involve one participant or 100 participants-really doesn't matter.
Eventually she sent me the contact details to call and ask myself but only after I practically begged.

She doesn't want me there does she?
I'm not the type of person to cause a scene, to ruin her wedding day, but I think she thinks it would be easier if I didn't come.
Should I admit defeat and not go to either hen do or wedding?

Honest opinions please.

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DrGrey · 13/09/2017 21:24

I really feel for you. You sound like a lovely friend although you're being incredibly naive.

There is no friendship to save, ultimately if the bride really wanted you there she would make more of an effort. She has chosen friend B and that is very apparent from her actions.

If I was you I would text the bride and say that you think it's best you don't attend her hen celebration and wedding and wish her all the best and say if she would like to keep in touch that is fine but you feel that the friendship has become one sided.

You're better than begging to attend someone's wedding/Hen.

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Livingdiisgracefully · 13/09/2017 21:31

Really Margaret, so you would think nothing was amiss if one of your friends took your job, deleted you from social media, left the whatsapp group you were on, didn't attend your leaving do. If so, you obviously see friendship in a different light to me. If you are making the assumption it is somehow the OPs fault, it is just an assumption. You cannot know this from the OPs account. So you cannot be so certain that I am wrong. I have made a different inference on the basis of the OP and the subsequent information provided. The fact that B is friends with management strengthens my opinion.

I don't see that she is tallying social status with the bride, as the bride did not contact her for six months while inviting B to a mini-holiday, it would appear that the bride has made her loyalties clear and the OP does not want to see this as she is 'over the moon for her' and 'really values her friendship'. Also if I really wanted someone to come to my hen do, I would just remind them they need to pay, not flounce and book without them. It's a different perspective to yours, but it is up to the OP to decide which one rings true with her. She is the only one who knows all the personalities and circumstances involved.

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Timefortea99 · 13/09/2017 21:54

Dizzyfairy - there are lots of nasty people in the world, some of them are on MN and responded to this thread in a harsh way. Please disregard the nasty ones, take the pragmatic advice of others, and move on. You sound like a lovely person and even if you have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, for the sake of your self esteem, I would not see these people again. And I would definitely sue.

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dowagercountess · 13/09/2017 22:16

You asked for honest responses - this is meant kindly Flowers but do you know if you suffer from some sort of anxiety? Your descriptions of the events and how you may have overthought some of the elements , plus your nervousness of attending the event made anxiety be the first thing on my mind when I was reading your posts.

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dowagercountess · 13/09/2017 22:20

If you genuinely feel the way you do, avoid these people as life is too short to be around people who make you miserable.

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MargaretTwatyer · 13/09/2017 23:55

Living, all of the things you describe are things that friend B did, not the bride. The bride didn't do any of those things so they're absolutely irrelevant to how she is organising her hen do.

And yes, we do know that the OP fucked up because she was late paying, we do know she might still have been able to go if she'd made a phonecall herself yet for some reason some people seem determined to feed into the OPs ball of anxiety and agree this must be a big conspiracy against her when actually it's probably just a bit of cross wires and the result of her fucking up
slightly and mildly annoying her friend.

I agree with Dowager, it sounds like anxiety to me. But I don't agree that it will be solved by dumping her friend. Most of us in this situation would have been mortified we missed it, rung the venue, been shoehorned in and enjoyed the day. The OP is so anxious that instead of realising it's a simple mix up over her own minor fuck up she's turned it into 'This is so awful, it must be because everybody hates me and nobody wants me there and it must be because friend A doesn't want to be friends anymore and B must have put her up to it' etc, etc, etc.

But in reality there is absolutely zero to suggest that any of this has the slightest bit to do with B but we do know that OP did not pay on time.

I just cannot understand why anybody would encourage someone to believe they're in this horrible situation where all their ex-colleagues have turned on them when the much more likely explanation is they've been a bit flakey and annoyed a friend a bit but it's all salvageable.

As I said, this thread has some of the worst advice I've ever seen on MN on it.

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Isetan · 14/09/2017 04:27

This is way too much drama and money for a friendship that appears to has run its course. I think your over thinking, is indicative of your over investment in a friendship that isn't reciprocated, at least not to the same level.

You sound nice but you come across as a personality that some people will screw over because they know there will be little resistance. You were treated appalling at work and you didn't defend yourself, not because of loyalty to colleagues and clients but because you didn't have the confidence. The shock of what happened is understandable but you can't fix an issue if you don't acknowledge it.

Attending this wedding isn't an opportunity for redemption for what happened at work and unfortunately the invite has now been politicised to such an extent, that the chances of you enjoying yourself are slim and probably will be a further knock to your already low confidence.

Don't go, send the gift and use the money saved on attending on something that will benefit your future, these friendships are in the past.








Given what's happened at work I can understand you wanting something to look forward to but this wedding and hen do



You should have fought for unfair dismissal and I'm not buying the

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Isetan · 14/09/2017 04:40

Ignore the last two lines of my post.

To those posters who called the Op pathetic etc, name calling will never be empowering and is just a continuation of the bullying that the OP has suffered at work.

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Appraiser · 14/09/2017 05:08

Thanks for calling me pathetic -and there have been several comments- it's really made me feel great at a time when I have already expressed that I am feeling low.



I, and probably another 1000+ people reading but not posting, don't think you're pathetic. Remember, strangers behind a key board have no filter. Hopefully some of the kinder advice is being considered carefully by you.

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PollytheDoily · 14/09/2017 05:27

You need better friends who deserve you OP.

Yes you're soft hearted and try to see the best in people. Unfortunately, some people are not what you hope. Trust me, there are friends out there, like you, who will reciprocate what you need in a friendship.

I only have a few friends. This is why. I could never treat anyone like you have been, let alone a friend.

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Windytwigs · 14/09/2017 07:01

It does strike me that you expect ppl to know how you're feeling / what you're thinking without actually verbalizing it though, OP.
You'd said you wanted to go but couldn't pay until later, then missed the deadline. Did you ask your friend to sub you until payday, and let her know when this would be?
You claim you booked a triple bed room as some sort of peace offering to friend b, did you tell anyone?
And how do you know for a fact that b wanted your job and got it because she is friends with management??
I'm sorry, but you (and a lot of ppl on here) seem to be making a lot of assumptions into friends perceived behavior which tbh, there seems NO evidence of.
As for the op who said friend a seems to think her wedding and hen do are all about her - sarcasm, right?!?

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Bluntness100 · 14/09/2017 07:15

I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing

Other people came to my leaving do, just not b and c. So I wasn't hated or awful to work with! I didn't get a leaving card though as these are organised within your department

Ach, op, the nuances of your posts keep changing. It's time to move on. Forget b, go to the hen do and the wedding and be civil, don't get upset or acrimonious. Recognise yes you messed A around a bit, and apologise and leave it there.

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WipsGlitter · 14/09/2017 08:17

I'd not go. It sounds like it will be really stressful. If there's loads going and you only really know the bride and colleague B then you could end up feeling very lonely and left out.

The fact they are a charity is totally irrelevant. I worked for a charity and was made redundant. I pursued it and got a considerable payout. Basically twice what they initially offered me.

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KindleBueno · 14/09/2017 08:53

I agree with Margaret That the advice here has been piss poor. It does shed some light though on the sheer scale of MNers that posters that have difficulty making and keeping friends.

She is an ex-work colleague who lives a fair distance away. She had no reason to give a duty invite. The chances of her bumping into you if she didn't ask you would be slim there was no reason for her to invite you other than she wants you there. Don't let your imagination and dramatising ruin a friendship.

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raviolidreaming · 14/09/2017 09:52

Most of the teachers I know are in a union - are you, OP? Just in case this happens again in your current job if you're staying in the third sector.

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chooselove · 14/09/2017 10:31

We can all make choices, we can choose what we think about, we can choose to stay stuck or get on with things, we can choose the company we keep etc. Use your Gut instinct!


You can either choose to think about this/obsess over it or you can choose to forgive, let it go & move on! You deserve Love, Happiness & Joy!

Whatever you decide Choose You!! Do what makes you Happy, surround yourself with Positive ppl, Have Fun & Love Life, Love You💕

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DaemonPantalaemon · 14/09/2017 15:39

I don't think you are pathetic OP but I do agree with the poster above who wrote that you unfortunately seem to have the sort of personality that means people believe they can walk all over you with no consequences.

Throughout this thread you have been agonising over ways to make things better for people who have treated you pretty shabbily, even though it is clearly there is no benefit of any kind to you from going to this wedding. Why on earth would you want to share a room with B after all this?

It seems to me that you have a people pleasing, martyish personality, and you believe that the goodness of your actions and thoughts will make people appreciate you more and make them "sorry". I am afraid that history shows that martyrs are usually burned: unfortunately, you were burned in your employment situation, but chose to do nothing about it. And you are in danger of being burned here too but are doing all you can to run towards the fire.

You need to work on your assertiveness, and on erecting firmer boundaries in your relationships with both colleagues and friends.

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CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 14/09/2017 22:27

Have you posted before about friend 'b'? Did she ask you to do some free work for her? If not there's another poster whose got a friend b who did the same as this one.

Whichever way, cut your losses on the hen and move on. Decide about the wedding (not last minute) but talk to acas about your job. You owe them no favours, why would you bend over and offer them your arse?

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GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries · 14/09/2017 22:37

Oh OP, I wish I had friends like you. You seem so lovely and it'll definitely be Froend A's loss but I wouldn't go if I were you!

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Shadow666 · 14/09/2017 22:57

Why don't you call A and speak to her? Just have a chat about everything and see if you can get a feel for where her head is at. We have no way of telling whether A really wants you there or not.

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mereweather · 15/09/2017 11:41

You should sue the charity if you have a case. If not for you then do it for your kids. You could give them a nest egg and not watch them struggle as you have. It would also send a positive message that Mum is no pushover. Just because they are a charity doesn't give people the right to screw you over.

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dizzyfairy · 16/09/2017 07:09

Thanks for your advice.
The thread was picked up by another website, the author of the subsequent article also failed to read it properly and gage the reality of the situation... Wasn't too awful and could have been worse, but I'm requesting the thread to be removed, so this might disappear.
Plus I had a strange message from someone tangled in the saga, so I've taken that as another signal it should come to an end.
Just to update you: I'm going to the hen do. With my head held high I might add.
There was obviously lots more details that I didn't include in my posts that would have explained how friends b and c played a huge role in the redundancy outcome, and explained my feelings about seeing them again, but to have included these would have been outing. If I had included these I'm sure a lot of the responses I'd have had would have been very different (and maybe a bit less mean) but I suppose they were only reacting to the information given.
Anyway, happy weekend!

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IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/09/2017 07:53

Good for you! Hope the weekend goes well.

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Livingdiisgracefully · 16/09/2017 19:24

Have a good time OP. Hope all goes well for you.

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aaaaargghhhhelpme · 16/09/2017 19:26

Take care op. Sorry it got picked up by somewhere else

Have a nice time Flowers

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