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AIBU to not go to wedding after frozen out of hen do?!
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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 20:53

First time posting...

Friend A is getting married, I'm completely over the moon for her! We are work friends who clicked straight away and I really value her friendship, however I don't think it is reciprocated anymore :(
She moved here for work- away from hometown- and lived here for a few years during which time she met and became engaged. Last year she handed in her notice and moved back home to buy a house settle down etc. I miss her. A lot. Really really a lot.
Since she left, our organisation was hit by massive govt cuts with budget cut in half and I was made redundant. It was a total farce- I would be within my rights to sue- but being a charity, such would see it collapse, everyone would lose jobs and our vulnerable clients would suffer immensely. Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me.
It was a terrible terrible time. Friend B and another close colleague (friend C) deleted me from social media, ignored my texts when prior to this we would text all the time, left Whatsapp groups so that I was the only one left in the group- I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing. They cut me out totally as they knew redundancy procedures hadn't been followed and if I challenged the process they knew their jobs would have been on the line.

Meanwhile friend A set a date for her wedding and invited me and friend B.
Friend A had never gotten on with friend C, so wasn't invited.

I called and text etc friend A as usual until I realised she hadn't initiated contact with me for over 6 months, it was always me calling her.
I got a bit depressed over the whole redundancy and while friend A said kind things and stated that she saw what they were doing and it was grossly wrong, she still gushed over their social media posts and had friend B to stay for a mini holiday.

-I would never expect A to end her friendship with B in some kind of show of loyalty, I'm not that childish-

Anyway 2 wks ago friend A text to say hi and said I had been very quiet and was I still going to wedding/hen do as she realised it would be difficult with friend B present.
I said I was nervous about it but wouldn't miss her celebrations for the world.
Initially (in March) she said I could stay at hers for the hen do, then retracted it unless I bought an air mattress to sleep on the floor due to volume of others staying- or she said I might be better booking a hotel- I did this and made sure I booked a triple room (same price) in case others needed it.
I've bought a dress, arranged childcare (not easy- lone parent, dad has no contact), done the same incl another hotel booking for the wedding, bought a gift etc etc

Today I discovered she hadn't booked me a place on the hen do.
I'm so so so upset.
Plus friend B is now suddenly invited to wedding and hen.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month, I told her I needed to wait till payday and as I'm a teacher (and have tonsillitis) it's been so hectic starting back that I only just remembered so I text her in a panic.
She said the activity was already booked and wouldn't answer when I asked if she could ask if they squeezed me in- activity could involve one participant or 100 participants-really doesn't matter.
Eventually she sent me the contact details to call and ask myself but only after I practically begged.

She doesn't want me there does she?
I'm not the type of person to cause a scene, to ruin her wedding day, but I think she thinks it would be easier if I didn't come.
Should I admit defeat and not go to either hen do or wedding?

Honest opinions please.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 10:05

I also find the work thing confusing.

It looks like the op was the only one made redundant in her department, and they made friend b full time, but she is blaming friend b for this and calling her a snake, on the basis had she not went full time the op would have kept her job. In my experience management decisions are a little more complex than this.

The ops reaction to it and friend b seems to be the root cause of the issue, when the decision was taken by the charity, there was a massive fall out everyone cut the op out, which may indicate she was behaving in a way that made them eventually react like this i.e. If she was blaming friend b. Normally people would have sympathy.

Friend b I suspect would also have lost her job if she had not done it, and they'd have employed one full time person.hence why she says she saved herself.

It seems the whole thing stems from her being made redundant and her reaction to that. Friend b and the other charity workers have obviously put their side to friend a, who having also worked there probably is very able to understand what occurred.

It seems she's trying to be gentle with the op, but also understanding she's not coped with the redundancy and blamed her colleagues. The fact she's worried about seeing anyone from the charity indicates that a lot of bridges were burnt, she herself says it was a terrible, time.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/09/2017 10:12

You sound a very nice person and a good friend, OP. Unfortunately, you've set your sights on somebody who doesn't feel the same way. A friendship or relationship can't be out of balance to this degree and survive, it just can't.

I think I would now be at the point, in your scenario, of telling 'friend A', "You know what? I've been a good friend to you and I've jumped through hoops to attend your wedding because you meant a lot to me. You no longer do and I don't want to hear from you again..."

And I'd walk away. From her, from all of them, but mostly her because as friendly as she is on the surface that's all it is, veneer. She's not stupid and if you ask yourself how she would feel being on the receiving end of all you have, you'd see it yourself, that she would feel ousted and slighted in the same way that you do. She's no friend of yours and I think she's enjoying Queen Bee status in a 'smiling assassin' kind of 'my hands are tied' way. Enough.

There's a phrase used here that though pointed, really does make sense: Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option.

You've already lost this 'friend', just time for you to have the last word now.

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mamamalt · 13/09/2017 10:33

Aw. Poor poor you. I have been through something similar lately with friends and it's very hurtful. May I say you did very well to not sound petty here and seem like a great friend.
Do. Not. Go. Get as much money back as you can and use it to treat yourself or you and DCs to something lovely.
Look after yourself x

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carefreeeee · 13/09/2017 11:02

Friend A is probably feeling caught up in the awkwardness of it all. Not paying for the hen do in time could also cause major annoyance and make it seem like you don't care.

IMO where you went wrong was not dealing with the redundancy problem at the time. Being a charity doesn't mean they can treat their staff badly - if fact they should be setting an example. Was it really entirely B's fault? Unless she's senior to you how could she be responsible for this decision whilst you had no say - but then end up doing your job?

If you want to preserve the friendship I'd probably bow out of the hen do with minimum fuss, then go to the wedding and have a good time. However don't let anyone bully you - just avoid them and talk to other guests and keep a smile firmly on your face throughout. Later you can carry on being friends with A whilst avoiding the others.

If you attend neither that's probably the end of the friendship - weddings are taken very seriously. You could try telling A why - but she is likely to see her wedding and hen do as being about her and will probably fail to understand why you can't just rise above it for just 2 occasions.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 11:07

Was it really entirely B's fault

The fact the staff have all taken friend bs side either indicates it was not her fault at all or the op behaved so badly it went too far. The fact they have taken friend bs side and cut her out and isolated her indicates something deeper here the op doesn't wish to see, admit or accept.

She says friend b turned on her when she wanted her hours, in reality it's probably she turned on friend b when they decided they wanted one full time position and one redundancy and friend b was the preferred candidate.

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plantsitter · 13/09/2017 11:18

Well as we do only know the OP's version we may as well stick with that.

After all the end result must be the same. If it were me, unless I thought I could handle it in such a way that meant I could have a nice time it would be too awkward to go.

Also I don't think the behaviour of a group necessarily indicates something about the OP. People can be fuckers y'know.

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LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2017 11:24

The fact the staff have all taken friend bs side either indicates it was not her fault at all or the op behaved so badly it went too far. The fact they have taken friend bs side and cut her out and isolated her indicates something deeper here the op doesn't wish to see, admit or accept

Not necessarily. Some people are just nasty and get caught up in the gang mentality of it it all.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 11:33

Some people are just nasty and get caught up in the gang mentality of it it all

That's true. But in my experience as grown adults, and in a redundancy event it's unusual. No one came to her leaving do or even gave her a card, and I doubt that's because they knew process wasn't followed as she says.

Op, honestly, I'd have a think, I know you 100 percent blame friend b for your redundancy, but could there be any reason why others are ostracising you? If there is, maybe accepting some responsibility would go some way to mending bridges. If not, and they simply are all nasty you're better off out of it.

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igetalong · 13/09/2017 11:42

Walk away. I'm sorry 😔 Flowers

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MargaretTwatyer · 13/09/2017 13:13

Well as we do only know the OP's version we may as well stick with that.

Not necessarily. Some people are just nasty and get caught up in the gang mentality of it it all.

BUT - the OP is damning herself with her own account here. Put it this way: she has by her own account screwed up and paid late and also been flaky about prioritising the payment, buying outfits and other stuff instead of paying for her place.

But the OP isn't posting on here asking about how to make up for how silly she's been. She's on here insisting it couldn't possibly have anything to do with her lateness and disorganisation but has to be because B has organised a push against her. It doesn't exactly take a genius to work out it's also very likely that the same thing happened over the redundancy and the OP may well be minimising her own role and exaggerating B's.

Anyway, regardless of that, I think this is just encouraging anxiety over a situation needlessly.

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plantsitter · 13/09/2017 13:56

Margaret I think your take is interesting - I'm not being p.a, genuinely - but I disagree. What I read is that friend A was vague about the deadline and did not contact the OP even though she knew she was planning to come.

I don't think agreeing with the OP's gut feeling that she is not wanted at the hen do -sorry OP but that's what it boils down to - is encouraging anxiety, I think it's encouraging her to maintain some dignity. Friend 'A' clearly has picked a side but is neglecting to tell the OP so outright.

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Livingdiisgracefully · 13/09/2017 14:33

I agree with plantsitter. Maybe in some corporate worlds everyone does act like grown adults but often in some public sector and charity jobs there can be a lot of side taking, ostracising and bullying behaviours. The more informal procedures are (and as process wasn't followed, it sounds like the case in OPs workplace) the easier it is for people to be high-handed and surround themselves with their gang.

I've seen it happen where people are pushed out because their face doesn't fit and their job is given to someone more politically savvy. Often people -act like sheep- protect their own position by not being aligned with the person having been squeezed out. I have been one of the very few people going to a couple of people's leaving do's for this reason. And I know for a fact that the person doing the squeezing was a nasty bully.

But back to the OP, I also agree that these people are not your friends, hard as though it is to hear. The patterns of behaviour - not ringing you for six months, inviting B and not you to stay, firstly disinviting you from staying at the house for the hen, then not including you in the hen all suggest that A has chosen to be in B's gang, and would prefer your previous relationship to just drift.

I also agree that you need to be more boundaried in your friendships in future. It's not up to you to book rooms in case someone else wants to stay there, or to try to resolve things with B unless you have done something to hurt her. Friendships should involve give and take on both sides.

I really wouldn't go the wedding as I think it will just result in more hurt.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 14:51

I'm not sure. Yes it's possible that her work made her redundant at the request of b because she wanted the hours, that her workmates all turned against her to protect themselves ( from what, was she threatening to sue?) and that now her best friend is also turning against her because she also is a nasty bully.

Or it could be the op has handled the redundancy terribly and turned on b and the charity to such an extent, that people have emphasised with b and were concerned to be seen to be supporting her. And that her friend is concerned about having her there as she's unsure how she will manage the situation and if she will cause, probably another, scene.

If part of this is due to her bad reaction because she was upset, and also the fact she wasn't on the ball with plans and payment, them apologising and putting it behind her, might help her move on and retain an important friendship.

If she can manage putting a brave face on it, maintaining its all fine, and not upsetting the friends events, it may work out well. If she can't she needs to avoid at all costs.

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Livingdiisgracefully · 13/09/2017 15:10

I really don't think, on the balance of probabilities, your reading of the situation is the correct one, Bluntness.

The OP is so anxious not to upset anyone she won't sue, although she's entitled to, she doesn't want to make a scene, she doesn't expect A to take sides, and yet it would appear B HAS made people take sides. People often don't take sides through fairness, but because it suits them, remember they are still working with B. She wanted to extend the olive branch to B but there's no indication that was reciprocated. I don't get where you assumed the OP must be the difficult one? People who are difficult rarely want to bend over backwards to please others and be accepted. Although they do often manipulate others to get their own way.

OP I really hope you won't allow these people to treat you so shabbily.

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MargaretTwatyer · 13/09/2017 18:46

living, that's so wrong. In fact despite the OP saying she doesn't expect sides to be taken the OP is the only person we know for certain is invested in the idea of sides being taken or has put any pressure on the bride to do so.

OP is the one scrutinising the brides social media to keep some sort of tally of who's 'winning' socially with the bride. OP is the only one we're certain has expressed any unhappiness or disatisfaction with others on the guest list to the bride. OP is the only one guest we know who wants the bride to prioritise her in the sleeping arrangements to confirm her importance. OP is the only one who we know thinks the bride should remind her to pay when everybody else seems to be capable of remembering or that when she slips up with the date the bride should run around and fix it for her.

The only reason we have for thinking 'b'has blackballed the OP is the OPs conviction that it must be because of 'b' rather than anything she could have done.

Look at this from the bride's point of view, OP has complained about who else is attending, about the cost, about the date for payment, about the arrangements for paymemt and about the sleeping arrangements. OP paid late and is expecting someone else to sort out the resulting faff. Rather than taking ownership of her fuck up she's blaming someone else either for not reminding her or giving her spoonfed instructions about what 'first week in September' means or freezing her out.

I really cannot see why people are so convinced there must be more to it and 'b' must be involved. Surely that in itself is enough for the bride to be feeling a tad fed up with the OP?

I think the OP is being given terrible advice. She seems to value this friendship. As things stand as long as she sorts it out herself she can still go and enjoy the hen and she's still got a friend.

If the OP follows advice and tells a friend she's been complaining to and flaking at that her not being booked on an activity because the OP forgot to pay must be HER fault and refuses to come then absolutely everybody involved is going to think the OP is psycho and she will totally lose a friend.

OP is just overthinking this far too much and is making herself miserable by refusing to acknowledge her own responsibility for this situation. She fucked up, she needs to sort it out. That's it. I don't know why someone would prefer to think they were the victim of a big conspiracy against them rather than just owning the fact they've been a bit flakey and irritated a friend.

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Peachesandcream15 · 13/09/2017 19:13

Am I missing something?? What has A done exactly? Been a bit slack keeping in touch perhaps. Been a bit rubbish sorting her hen do out maybe. It sounds as if it was someone else who didn't book you in the activity? A bridesmaid? Because every week brings a new thread on here about what a bloody nightmare organising a hen do is and people who don't pay, pull out etc etc.

A hasn't at any point indicated she doesn't want you at the wedding and as for the hen do, I would chalk it up to being an organisational nightmare. Just go. Have a good time.

B and C sound bloody awful. The best revenge is show them how happy you are and what an amazing time you're having.

Aibu has been very kind to you!! 😀

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Alpanini · 13/09/2017 19:20

Nothing to add on the friend front but I've been thinking about this all day and I think you should seriously think about taking action against your old workplace. I work in a similar area to you and tbf most social care orgs are having to deal with similar levels of cuts to services (yes, up to half). NOT all of them are treating their employees horrendously. The rights of vulnerable people to have appropriate care and support do NOT trump the rights of employees to have their own rights under law respected, and for them to have a working environment that doesn't affect their mental or physical health. I've heard the same old chestnut 'oh, don't sue please, we're a charity' for a particularly nasty discrimination case and it was a massive guilt trip (one that worked in the majority of cases). Don't think HR managers and CEOs who operate in a culture of fear and bullying won't manipulate you to get what they want, because they will... and they frequently do. The frustration of being treated unfairly at work (and it sounds like have been treated very unfairly) can affect your whole life, not to mention your friendships and relationships. You deserve the same rights as everyone else not fewer, just because of where you work. When push comes to shove, think about it like this: if the charity does go under is it your fault, or the charity's leaders for not meeting their legal responsibilities to its staff? And if it folds... maybe the vulnerable people the charity supports might would have their needs met better by another provider that makes the rights and welfare of their staff a priority so that they're better able to support others. It's a crap situation and it sounds like it's still affecting you. Maybe talk to your union rep or get a legal opinion and see what you can do? If you want to let it go, let it be your choice not out of misguided loyalty to an employer who have seriously let you down. You sound very brave but please don't underestimate the effect this kind of thing can have on your life. x

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ballestief · 13/09/2017 19:21

Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me

Your description of what happened doesn't make any sense. It looks as if you have a unique perspective on what occurred, and my guess is no-one else shares it, and they all think your view is a bit bonkers.

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MadMags · 13/09/2017 19:23

It sounds like you've painted yourself as the victim in a situation that probably wasn't as you thought.

And I agree: I don't think A has done anything at all!

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Alpanini · 13/09/2017 19:31

And don't worry about friends turning against you if you do have a case and decide to take action. A real friend will support you. Enlist your non-work friends to unload on to, and try and take frequent 'mental health breaks' where you do something distracting and don't dwell on any of it.
TBH i'd be inclined to believe OP re: B. There's a lot of bullying in health and social care, esp where people are at very close quarters and maybe working in a person's home, not an office (I had to deal with all sorts of dramas and petty personality issues -- it was like playgroup) so this doesn't sound unusual to me, particularly if B was 'in' with management. I'd give the wedding a swerve (flu bug from the new term) but catch up with A in a few months. She won't mind. Weddings are a blur and you won't get to talk to her anyway.

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thegirlupnorth · 13/09/2017 19:32

You don't need friends like these.

Cancel everything but accept wedding invitation and just don't turn up!

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Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2017 20:06

I think she's been highly spun lies by B. I think her loyalties lie with B tbh, I doubt she wants youbat the wedding, it would be bad of her to uninvite you. I bet she's hoping you can't come. I would bow out, and move on.

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dizzyfairy · 13/09/2017 20:52

-Hotel is pay when you stay, plus dress and wedding gift were bought from a catalogue that I pay off monthly. So this isn't why I couldn't afford the cost of the activity until payday.
-I wasn't flakey over going to the hen do- I accepted, booked a room in the spring and we were only given 10 days notice to pay for it (hen do activity) at a time of year I had 3 school uniforms /school shoes etc to buy and my car failed the mot.
All my own issues but impacted on me being able to pay for the activity at such short notice. And I had confirmed again that I was going to the hen 2 wks ago when the request for money was sent.
-after redundancy I was put on out of office work so only went in 3/4 times and as we 'hot desk' couldn't sit near colleague b and c when our hours crossed over the one time we were in the office together. Then we had to use up our holiday before we lost it in the new tax year so staffing was skeletal and I didn't see them. I didn't talk to anyone at all at work about the redundancy as I couldn't even say the words. I was devastated so pretended it didn't happen. I didn't know what was happening until after I reapplied and interviewed for my own job in the redundancy process. If I had known what I was up against, I would have probably acted differently. I was open with my colleagues and ultimately this was possibly my downfall, should have played my cards closer to my chest, but I hadn't realised I needed to.
So I didn't act resentfully I even comforted one person who cried that it was being handled so badly by management.

  • Other people came to my leaving do, just not b and c. So I wasn't hated or awful to work with! I didn't get a leaving card though as these are organised within your department.
    -in response to one of the posters: you're right, friend b is best friends with management and they go skiing every year, so yes I supposed I have felt that this played a part
    -and yes, like in many other professions, the voluntary sector can be very political and unfortunately such immensely stressful conditions caused by funding cuts have brought out the worst in people. It wasn't just my department that suffered from this!
  • as I said before, I will not take action against the charity as it was important to me, still is, and I believe in the work it does.

    Thanks for calling me pathetic -and there have been several comments- it's really made me feel great at a time when I have already expressed that I am feeling low.

    But thank you to everyone who has given a softer message (though along the same lines).
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dizzyfairy · 13/09/2017 20:59

Oh and I booked a hotel rather than sleep on her floor at the hen do as I have back issues from my last pregnancy, don't own an air mattress so would have to buy one, plus a sleeping bag and take it down on the train. The hotel will cost the same price!

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Viviennemary · 13/09/2017 21:02

I wouldn't bother with any of them. Not the wedding or hen do or anything else. I agree time to let go of this lot and find some nicer people to be friends with.

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