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AIBU to not go to wedding after frozen out of hen do?!
153

dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 20:53

First time posting...

Friend A is getting married, I'm completely over the moon for her! We are work friends who clicked straight away and I really value her friendship, however I don't think it is reciprocated anymore :(
She moved here for work- away from hometown- and lived here for a few years during which time she met and became engaged. Last year she handed in her notice and moved back home to buy a house settle down etc. I miss her. A lot. Really really a lot.
Since she left, our organisation was hit by massive govt cuts with budget cut in half and I was made redundant. It was a total farce- I would be within my rights to sue- but being a charity, such would see it collapse, everyone would lose jobs and our vulnerable clients would suffer immensely. Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me.
It was a terrible terrible time. Friend B and another close colleague (friend C) deleted me from social media, ignored my texts when prior to this we would text all the time, left Whatsapp groups so that I was the only one left in the group- I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing. They cut me out totally as they knew redundancy procedures hadn't been followed and if I challenged the process they knew their jobs would have been on the line.

Meanwhile friend A set a date for her wedding and invited me and friend B.
Friend A had never gotten on with friend C, so wasn't invited.

I called and text etc friend A as usual until I realised she hadn't initiated contact with me for over 6 months, it was always me calling her.
I got a bit depressed over the whole redundancy and while friend A said kind things and stated that she saw what they were doing and it was grossly wrong, she still gushed over their social media posts and had friend B to stay for a mini holiday.

-I would never expect A to end her friendship with B in some kind of show of loyalty, I'm not that childish-

Anyway 2 wks ago friend A text to say hi and said I had been very quiet and was I still going to wedding/hen do as she realised it would be difficult with friend B present.
I said I was nervous about it but wouldn't miss her celebrations for the world.
Initially (in March) she said I could stay at hers for the hen do, then retracted it unless I bought an air mattress to sleep on the floor due to volume of others staying- or she said I might be better booking a hotel- I did this and made sure I booked a triple room (same price) in case others needed it.
I've bought a dress, arranged childcare (not easy- lone parent, dad has no contact), done the same incl another hotel booking for the wedding, bought a gift etc etc

Today I discovered she hadn't booked me a place on the hen do.
I'm so so so upset.
Plus friend B is now suddenly invited to wedding and hen.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month, I told her I needed to wait till payday and as I'm a teacher (and have tonsillitis) it's been so hectic starting back that I only just remembered so I text her in a panic.
She said the activity was already booked and wouldn't answer when I asked if she could ask if they squeezed me in- activity could involve one participant or 100 participants-really doesn't matter.
Eventually she sent me the contact details to call and ask myself but only after I practically begged.

She doesn't want me there does she?
I'm not the type of person to cause a scene, to ruin her wedding day, but I think she thinks it would be easier if I didn't come.
Should I admit defeat and not go to either hen do or wedding?

Honest opinions please.

OP's posts:
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emmyrose2000 · 13/09/2017 03:58

I thought friend b might want to share the room for the hen do- thought it might be a peace offering

That's just embarrassing.

This person is not your friend, she cost you your job, and has treated you like shit. Where is your pride and self esteem that you would want to spend any time with her, let alone book a room just in case she wants to join you?

Ditch the wedding, sue the company, make some real friends, and stop being a doormat.

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emmyrose2000 · 13/09/2017 03:58

Yeah ghost her! You sound too soft, practically begging for an invite, the bit about booking a triple room , in case anyone else needed it, where are all the folk checking if you needed a room
I wouldn't spend another penny to go to the wedding, treat yourself!
Friendship shouldn't be so hard


This.

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SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/09/2017 07:36

Regardless of all that the reality is you will have to sit there with ex colleagues who've acted like absolute bitches to you.


THIS ^


The chances are that it will be uncomfortable at best, and that they may be snide and casually bully you (especially the one who sold you down the river - people are very unkind to those they know they have treated badly because they don't like the way their own behaviour makes them feel). At worst, you may experience out-and-out ostracism and spite!

Personally, I wouldn't go. If I could I'd get my deposits back for rooms etc - if not either cut my losses of the my kid/s for a night away from home (you may be able to switch dates even if you can't get your money back - that would be better again) - you said it was a room for three - go for it.

By all means send a card and wish the bride well.

AND - sue the charity. You have a child/ren to think of, not just yourself, plus every time they get away with shafting an employee, it encourages them todo it to the next person.

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SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/09/2017 07:38

*after "losses" should rad "and take my kid/s " etc

Have no idea what happened there.

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youhavetobekidding · 13/09/2017 07:43

I think YAbitU. You missed the payment deadline. It's unclear if you told the bride you had booked accommodation. You could probably cancel that / or rearrange for a later date

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Handsoffmysweets · 13/09/2017 07:47

Do not waste another second on these spiteful bitches. As others have said, there is no friendship. They have frozen you out. Let them carry on, and let A see what B is total cow for herself.

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Oblomov17 · 13/09/2017 07:55

You missed the deadline.
You sound like a right pain of a friend sorry.
Who needs all this nonsense, when you are the hen? No one else is saying: I don't like A B C. A hen would just want people who could come and get on, without worrying about tears and punch ups.
You sound like a bit of a drip. You need to grow a bit of self esteem and worth and just drop them all. But you won't. Your last post still says ..... oh I value my friendship with A. I'm not prepared to give it up yet....,
You need a harsh talking to. Because she clearly already has given up.

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Oblomov17 · 13/09/2017 07:58

You couldn't pay for hen do activity because because you were waiting for payday?

but you've already paid for hen do hotel? wedding hotel? a dress? and a gift?

Errrrr that doesn't make sense? Hmm

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5rivers7hills · 13/09/2017 07:58

This is not what a friendship looks like.

Don't go to the hen do. Don't go to the wedding.

Take legal action over your constructive dismissal.

Wet blankets get trampled on.

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nomdepoo · 13/09/2017 08:07

I might sue the company...

Have a proper chat with the hen and if you still think there's a friendship to salvage, then go to the hen party.

Oh and make some new friends...

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PolaDeVeboise · 13/09/2017 08:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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RaspberryOverload · 13/09/2017 08:14

Regardless of whether they are a charity or not, they still have to follow correct redundancy procedures. Sue them.

As for the rest, don't go to either event, cancel the rooms and get what money back that you can.

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youhavetobekidding · 13/09/2017 08:17

This post references a deleted post. Talk Guidelines.

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timeisnotaline · 13/09/2017 08:22

I'd apologise about the date etc and talk to friend A in person. If she seems to want you there I'd go to the wedding as not going is rather final, although if you've missed spaces on the hens it's too late. Plus that's only one event you have to see these people! For the rest, sue the charity. You are supporting charities in bullying the very nice people who work for them if you don't. Don't mention it to friend a, it's not her problem. And stop being such a doormat- you thought friend b might want to share a room with you?! Friend b gets a cool hello and nothing else. Except a court case.

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NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 13/09/2017 08:26

I too think you need to work on your self esteem, people are fucking walking all over you & you are letting them.
There is no friendship here, she has chosen the other friend who fucked you over for whatever reason & doesn't give a shit about you.
Stand up for yourself & tell her to get fucked.
You also need to address the shoddy way in which you were made redundant.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 08:29

I also suspect you're being unreasonable here and it's to do with confirmation, paying etc. If she's getting married money may be tight and it seems you expected her to pay for you till you had the money. It's not clear though, it's all a bit I'm ill, I'm upset, I wasn't thinking clearly,

I suspect you weren't booked because you didn't pay. She's already chased you once to see if you were going.

I think there is two sides to this, and I suspect her side will be you were very focused on making this all about you and your struggles at the moment and didn't confirm or pay or even ask her to pay for you

I would go yes, but I really would try hard not to make it all about you, I also suspect she's worried you're going to cause a scene. She's also remember seen both sides of the story, which we haven't, she's seen bs side.

Id go but really try to hold it together. If you can't do that, or don't go, the friendship will be over.

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expatinscotland · 13/09/2017 08:34

I'm with NoFucking et al here. You need to develop some self-esteem. These people are not friends. I'd rather stay home and watch my toenails grow than hang out with people like this.

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AJPTaylor · 13/09/2017 08:37

Ok.
I would imagine friend A is between a rock and a hard place.

She has invited you both. She has checked you are happy to come

You have the same info as everyone else with regards to dates and deposits

You didnt pay on time.
Bride has given you the details so you can check yourself if you can be added.

Seems reasonable. The rest is in your head. You need to decide whether you still want to go.

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IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 13/09/2017 09:23

She invited you to stay at her house for the hen, then said bring a blow up mattress or you might be more comfortable at a hotel- that is so fucking rude!

This alone would make me not want to go, you don't invite a friend to stay then tell them to go find a hotel.

I also think, any real friend would have sent a reminder about the payment for hen do. There are always a couple of people who forget or need chasing up. One text to a couple of people is really nothing!


Sorry but she's being really unkind to you.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 09:28

She invited you to stay at her house for the hen, then said bring a blow up mattress or you might be more comfortable at a hotel- that is so fucking rude!

Really? Confused. Sometimes you just end up in a difficult situation with many people coming and hard to say no, so you sort out the sleeping arrangements as best you can.

I've done this to friends, they have done it to me, the better the friend you are the more flexible you can be to help them out. I don't see the issue at all. You ask the one your closest to to help you out.

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IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 13/09/2017 09:34

"You ask one of your closest to help you out".

I really don't think that is what is happening here.

If the OP was one of her closest friends, she would not have gone ahead and booked the hen do without her.

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Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 09:40

If the OP was one of her closest friends, she would not have gone ahead and booked the hen do without her

Agree, but maybe she thought the op would be flexible and not see it as a big deal. I know I wouldn't.

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MargaretTwatyer · 13/09/2017 09:51

From what she has said about redundancy procedures and the behaviour of previous friends it would be hideous. I suspect the OP is trying to behave with decency towards a group for whom decency went out of the window with OP's job.

I think I've walked into a parallel universe.

Friends D-F haven't done anything to the OP other than work for the charity. Friend C isn't going. As for the bride, I think she's behaving perfectly decently. Two of her friends have fallen out. Unlike us she has heard both sides of the story and decided not to take sides. The OP failed to hand in her money on time and had been complaining about the cost and guest list so it was likely she didn't want to come. No reason to think she's the victim of a big conspiracy. Only friend B has definitely behaved badly according to the OP.

Honestly, I imagine if the bride was posting here and was relating the OPs dissatisfaction with the cost, accommodation offer and guest list plus her lateness paying then expecting the bride to run around trying to sort it all out she would be told the OP WBVU.

I really can't understand posters who think that unless the OP drops friend B she is out of order. That's so childish.

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Pibplob · 13/09/2017 09:52

I would cancel the hen do plans and get my money back and say that I didn't feel welcome so wouldn't be attending. Then, depending on their reactions to it I would make a decision on whether I would go to the wedding. If they ignored my text about not feeling welcome or sent me a rude text etc I would be cancelling the wedding plans too.

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BabsGanoush · 13/09/2017 10:03

Margaret I think you and I are on the same page here.

OP - these are NOT your friends - just people you worked with. A is not your best friend. You didn't speak for over 6 months at one time then she had to contact YOU to ask if you were still coming.

If the charity 'fucked you over' take them to court, and let justice decide if you were made redundant correctly. And why would you not take them to court to 'save your friends'. Why did you not fight for your job over B? They are not your friends, just ex-work colleagues..

You WERE invited to stay at A's house for the hen, but she then asked you to bring an airbed. I bet you were a bit flakey about that so she suggest a hotel instead. Am I right? Did you think you were sharing the double with her?

Why have you bought outfits, gifts and room bookings BUT can't afford the hen deposit?? You knew it was coming up - if you were that good a friend you would have been saving for months. ALSO, how many reminders do you need?? You then have the audacity to be offended that she asked you to book yourself on - like she has nothing else to do but run after you.

Save your self the humiliation - don't go.

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