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AIBU to not go to wedding after frozen out of hen do?!
153

dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 20:53

First time posting...

Friend A is getting married, I'm completely over the moon for her! We are work friends who clicked straight away and I really value her friendship, however I don't think it is reciprocated anymore :(
She moved here for work- away from hometown- and lived here for a few years during which time she met and became engaged. Last year she handed in her notice and moved back home to buy a house settle down etc. I miss her. A lot. Really really a lot.
Since she left, our organisation was hit by massive govt cuts with budget cut in half and I was made redundant. It was a total farce- I would be within my rights to sue- but being a charity, such would see it collapse, everyone would lose jobs and our vulnerable clients would suffer immensely. Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me.
It was a terrible terrible time. Friend B and another close colleague (friend C) deleted me from social media, ignored my texts when prior to this we would text all the time, left Whatsapp groups so that I was the only one left in the group- I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing. They cut me out totally as they knew redundancy procedures hadn't been followed and if I challenged the process they knew their jobs would have been on the line.

Meanwhile friend A set a date for her wedding and invited me and friend B.
Friend A had never gotten on with friend C, so wasn't invited.

I called and text etc friend A as usual until I realised she hadn't initiated contact with me for over 6 months, it was always me calling her.
I got a bit depressed over the whole redundancy and while friend A said kind things and stated that she saw what they were doing and it was grossly wrong, she still gushed over their social media posts and had friend B to stay for a mini holiday.

-I would never expect A to end her friendship with B in some kind of show of loyalty, I'm not that childish-

Anyway 2 wks ago friend A text to say hi and said I had been very quiet and was I still going to wedding/hen do as she realised it would be difficult with friend B present.
I said I was nervous about it but wouldn't miss her celebrations for the world.
Initially (in March) she said I could stay at hers for the hen do, then retracted it unless I bought an air mattress to sleep on the floor due to volume of others staying- or she said I might be better booking a hotel- I did this and made sure I booked a triple room (same price) in case others needed it.
I've bought a dress, arranged childcare (not easy- lone parent, dad has no contact), done the same incl another hotel booking for the wedding, bought a gift etc etc

Today I discovered she hadn't booked me a place on the hen do.
I'm so so so upset.
Plus friend B is now suddenly invited to wedding and hen.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month, I told her I needed to wait till payday and as I'm a teacher (and have tonsillitis) it's been so hectic starting back that I only just remembered so I text her in a panic.
She said the activity was already booked and wouldn't answer when I asked if she could ask if they squeezed me in- activity could involve one participant or 100 participants-really doesn't matter.
Eventually she sent me the contact details to call and ask myself but only after I practically begged.

She doesn't want me there does she?
I'm not the type of person to cause a scene, to ruin her wedding day, but I think she thinks it would be easier if I didn't come.
Should I admit defeat and not go to either hen do or wedding?

Honest opinions please.

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Charolais · 12/09/2017 21:43

She may well have been spun a load of lies and if she has she believed the other person and not you. It is very sad but you need to move on from these people because it is not doing you any good to be emotionally beat up like this.

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RB68 · 12/09/2017 21:51

These people are not your friends and the bride is being just as bad to be honest - she has taken sides.

As to not suing the charity this is what they ar relying on your integrity and sense of honour - just do it and stop them treating others like they have you its disgraceful

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Imamouseduh · 12/09/2017 21:57

Usually these threads make me roll my eyes at the pettiness of it all, but this is really shit. I wouldn't go. I'd spend the money and time doing something that might actually make me feel good about myself. Those women suck. Wish I could give you a hug.

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 21:58

I had said I was waiting to be paid but was looking forward to going.
Meant to text over weekend as I was paid, but have been ill as well as dealing with work -my fault, I know I admit that- and text her yesterday.
No actual date was stated just vague reference to first week in September.

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LouHotel · 12/09/2017 22:00

If they havent redundancy procedures you absolutely need to sue while you still have the chance.

You can bet the execs are still getting their bonuses.

I think in all walks of your life you need to start standing up for yourself.

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BellaNoche · 12/09/2017 22:04

(((Dizzyfairy)))

I'm sorry. Perhaps there has been some sort of mixed messages re Hen do but it does seem that these people are not really deserving of a good friend like yourself.

I would not go and draw a line under it all. Hold your head up though as you have done nothing wrong.

Some charities have a reputation for being pretty awful to the people they employ, sad to say. I've represented employees treated unfairly who were put pressure on to not take a case.. " as the clients would suffer". Clients suffer imo when charities do not respect their employees and volunteers and treat then unfairly.

You sound a lovely person and you come across as having integrity and a big heart. I hope that you stay that way, and I think that you should leave these folks to their own little back stabbing unkind world.

Take care you x Smile

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Patchouli666 · 12/09/2017 22:06

Honestly I think it's just crossed wires. You forgot the date t pay by. She prob got a bit hurt you'd forgotten, no matter what the reason it would have hurt her. You then get hurt as she's got a bit pissy and told you you can't do it now and you can come to the later bit. Organising a hen do is a pita. Especially when she will have thought spin the back of her mind that you'd be rushing to pay to get booked in.
Draw a line under it. Go to the bit you still can do and have a bloody good time together. The only way friend b will win if that's the right word is if you don't go.m she has full reign then doesn't she? She's shat on you once, don't let her do it again.
And, if you go to the hen and A is odd then you'll know you tried. But I don't think it will be. I think she'll welcome you with open arms.
Let her know you've booked the triple room too to help her out. It'll make her day.

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BellaNoche · 12/09/2017 22:06

^sorry for typos...some eyesight problems at the mo!

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Baileyscheesecake · 12/09/2017 22:07

Sending hugs to you. I hope you can cancel your hotel bookings without losing any money. Flowers

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Anecdoche · 12/09/2017 22:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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coconutpie · 12/09/2017 22:07

You need to get legal advice with regard to how you were dismissed from employment.

I'd call out "friend" A and say "it's clear you don't want me to celebrate your wedding with you. I don't know what is going on with you that you would treat a friend like this but that's your decision. Goodbye."

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 22:08

And I've just seen that ex colleagues D, E and F are also going to the wedding now. They definitely weren't invited initially.

Kind of all makes sense now!
Kind of wish I didn't just do some social media spying!

I'm not ready to give up on my friendship quite yet. I know you think I'm bonkers, if the first event is terrible, I will make my excuses for the wedding.

And if I do go, I might meet a nice southern Prince Charming and I'll remember all this whilst planning my own wedding and just elope!

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MrLovebucket · 12/09/2017 22:09

No actual date was stated just vague reference to first week in September

It wasn't really vague. Saying it was due last week/beginning of the month (same thing) is specific enough.

Meant to text over weekend as I was paid

So you asked her to wait until your were paid. She did, you got paid and then you forgot to pay for your place on the Hen. I doubt your friend knew you were ill, she probably just thought you couldn't be bothered.

Sounds like miscommunication but bear in mind she will be stressed to the gills organising her Hen and wedding. You didn't pay when you said you would so she didn't book you onto the Hen do.

It's a shitty situation but I think the bride probably thinks you just couldn't be arsed to pay up on time/it wasn't that important.

Not sure how this can be put right but I hope you can resolve it.

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Shumpalumpa · 12/09/2017 22:13

I thought friend b might want to share the room for the hen do- thought it might be a peace offering.

I don't it. Friend B is a snake who cost you your job and ostracised you but you want to share your hotel room with her as a peace offering?

Where is your self-esteem and self-worth? Why are you letting people walk all over you?

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 22:14

I was 2 days over "the first week of September" and there was no -I'm booking the activity speak now or forever hold your peace -reminder.
Money is tight, I explained I needed to wait till payday, she knows my situation so I really don't think she would get arsey over it, but then again, people change.

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 22:18

Our friend is getting married. It should be something that brings people together and a time for making amends.
I try to see the good in people rather than the worst, even when they have acted like an arse.
Friend B screwed me over but she probably felt it was her or me, so maybe felt she had to do what she did as an act of self preservation.

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mrbob · 12/09/2017 22:18

They are all arseholes. Stop demeaning yourself by trying to convince them to be your friends. They are not. They are nasty. And google people pleasing

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MargaretTwatyer · 12/09/2017 22:20

Am I reading the same thread as everybody else?

You forgot to pay on time. You couldn't pay at the deadline so she extended it for you to payday and you still didn't pay. Therefore she quite reasonably assumed you weren't coming and didn't book you a place. It sounds like there were a lot of people coming so I don't think it's fair to expect her to chase you. She might also have thought it would be rude to. So it's just been a bit of a mix up which was mainly your fault I'm afraid. I think it was quite reasonable of her to ask you to ring yourself to be added. She will be very busy with the hen and wedding and it wasn't really her fault.

I think you're anxious about the friend B situation and are overthinking this and making it in to a big deal when it's just a simple mix up. But that's good news for you, you haven't be frozen out, it's just a mix up because you were late. Just go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. Not worth losing a friend over.

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 12/09/2017 22:21

You know what I would do? I'd cancel it and say you didn't feel welcome. I wouldn't get into a discussion about it and if necessary I'd block them. And then I'd use that money and treat myself and the child/ren to a nice trip somewhere, or buy Christmas presents or something. I wouldn't attend a hen do like that - it would all be back biting and bitching behind your back and it will cost you a fortune.

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 22:23

It wasn't extended for me?

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 22:25

But you might be right in the overthinking!

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MrLovebucket · 12/09/2017 22:26

I was 2 days over "the first week of September

Yes, but in her eyes you still hadn't paid even though you'd had your wages. If she'd said "pay by the 1st September" then you would still have missed the deadline because you forgot about it. The bride probably feels she has enough on her plate at the moment without having to send out reminders to the people (person?) who haven't paid for the Hen.

Friend B screwed me over

Unfortunately you now seem to be projecting this onto friend A. If A really didn't want you there you wouldn't have been invited in the first place.

If you got screwed over by Friend B and your employers then sue for unfair/constructive dismissal, whichever is appropriate. Unless it's a tiny charity (and with all the extra colleagues being invited it doesn't seem to be the case) then you won't ruin them. Charities have a duty to their paid employees, same as anyone else. They will probably have some kind of insurance for this type of situation anyway.

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smellybeanpole · 12/09/2017 22:29

If you really want to go for the hen maybe you should. otherwise you will always wonder. See how it goes as you said and take it from there. But from what you have described of these people. They sound horrid and they're definitely not your friends.

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Moanyoldcow · 12/09/2017 22:35

I think you're actually insane to go to the hen night. Why would you push yourself to go somewhere you clearly aren't wanted?

Your 'friends' have treated you shoddily. I don't know why you're not angry - you should be livid.

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BeepBeepMOVE · 12/09/2017 22:37

Sorry but i disagree with everyone.

YABU!

You were given a deadline- early/1st week of September and you missed it! Why would she book your place?

Anyone who has ever tried to organise a hen will know its a nightmare with people dropping out and back in all over the place. Promising they are coming, you book their place and suddenly they are out and you still have to pay their place.They are horrible to organise and prices change whenever the numbers do.

I wouldn't have booked you in. Deadline is the last possible time to pay, not when you start thinking about remembering too. There must be some hen chat/ FB group where everyone is saying PAID, how could you miss it?

In your place I would be apologising to the bride for completely forgetting her hen and if you still want to go then of course sort it yourself.

All this colleague A B C D going so I don't want to sounds like you are 14!

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