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AIBU to not go to wedding after frozen out of hen do?!
153

dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 20:53

First time posting...

Friend A is getting married, I'm completely over the moon for her! We are work friends who clicked straight away and I really value her friendship, however I don't think it is reciprocated anymore :(
She moved here for work- away from hometown- and lived here for a few years during which time she met and became engaged. Last year she handed in her notice and moved back home to buy a house settle down etc. I miss her. A lot. Really really a lot.
Since she left, our organisation was hit by massive govt cuts with budget cut in half and I was made redundant. It was a total farce- I would be within my rights to sue- but being a charity, such would see it collapse, everyone would lose jobs and our vulnerable clients would suffer immensely. Person B -who used to be a close friend- turned out to be a snake and sold me and my job out to save herself- no one in our department would have had to have lost their jobs, but friend B decided she all of a sudden wanted my hours as well as hers (both were part time) and cut me out of her life and turned on me.
It was a terrible terrible time. Friend B and another close colleague (friend C) deleted me from social media, ignored my texts when prior to this we would text all the time, left Whatsapp groups so that I was the only one left in the group- I felt totally ostrisized and abandoned. I arranged leaving drinks for myself- not one of them came, no leaving card, nothing. They cut me out totally as they knew redundancy procedures hadn't been followed and if I challenged the process they knew their jobs would have been on the line.

Meanwhile friend A set a date for her wedding and invited me and friend B.
Friend A had never gotten on with friend C, so wasn't invited.

I called and text etc friend A as usual until I realised she hadn't initiated contact with me for over 6 months, it was always me calling her.
I got a bit depressed over the whole redundancy and while friend A said kind things and stated that she saw what they were doing and it was grossly wrong, she still gushed over their social media posts and had friend B to stay for a mini holiday.

-I would never expect A to end her friendship with B in some kind of show of loyalty, I'm not that childish-

Anyway 2 wks ago friend A text to say hi and said I had been very quiet and was I still going to wedding/hen do as she realised it would be difficult with friend B present.
I said I was nervous about it but wouldn't miss her celebrations for the world.
Initially (in March) she said I could stay at hers for the hen do, then retracted it unless I bought an air mattress to sleep on the floor due to volume of others staying- or she said I might be better booking a hotel- I did this and made sure I booked a triple room (same price) in case others needed it.
I've bought a dress, arranged childcare (not easy- lone parent, dad has no contact), done the same incl another hotel booking for the wedding, bought a gift etc etc

Today I discovered she hadn't booked me a place on the hen do.
I'm so so so upset.
Plus friend B is now suddenly invited to wedding and hen.
She said money had to be paid last week- the hen do group said money had to be paid at the start of this month, I told her I needed to wait till payday and as I'm a teacher (and have tonsillitis) it's been so hectic starting back that I only just remembered so I text her in a panic.
She said the activity was already booked and wouldn't answer when I asked if she could ask if they squeezed me in- activity could involve one participant or 100 participants-really doesn't matter.
Eventually she sent me the contact details to call and ask myself but only after I practically begged.

She doesn't want me there does she?
I'm not the type of person to cause a scene, to ruin her wedding day, but I think she thinks it would be easier if I didn't come.
Should I admit defeat and not go to either hen do or wedding?

Honest opinions please.

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applesareredandgreen · 12/09/2017 22:41

I think that I would just give the hen do a miss. Give friend A the benefit of the doubt over any possible miscommunication re the arrangements- just text / message her to apologise that you missed the date to pay, you would have liked to have come but if it's too late then maybe you can get together after the wedding. then unless she contacts you begging you to come, forget about it and do something else. Do you have other friends? Arrange something nice to look forward to with another friend.

By all means attend the wedding if you want to but think of it as the wedding of an ex-colleague rather than that of a best friend. Without wanting to sound unkind I wonder if you have valued her friendship more than she's valued yours. Probably time to make some new friends.

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Iamsoconfused17 · 12/09/2017 22:41

Going against the tide I think YABU.

You didn't pay on time. And do don't let her know you still wanted to come. She assumed you weren't coming and was probably pissed off that you didn't let her know.

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MrLovebucket · 12/09/2017 22:42

@Beep Me and MargaretTwatyer agree with you, you're not a lone voice Smile

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KindleBueno · 12/09/2017 22:43

You're being oversensitive. You missed the deadline and have been asked to add yourself on which isn't half the drama you're intent on making . If she didn't want you there you wouldn't be invited.

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sadie9 · 12/09/2017 22:45

I think you are over thinking this. If someone didn't pay the place on the hen and then wanted in, I would ask them to ring the place themselves and see if they can join in the activity. And I would not expect that person to go off in a huff or make a Big Deal about it, or find a negative meaning in it that just isn't there. Hen nights are very difficult to organise and a pain in the ass, having to collect the money and then people (like yourself) don't bother saying they are in or out.
Look, it could be a bloody good night out. And you might have a blast at the wedding. Move on with your life, look forward and not back, and go and have a great time. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

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bringbacksideburns · 12/09/2017 22:46

Regardless of all that the reality is you will have to sit there with ex colleagues who've acted like absolute bitches to you. Can you do that? For me life is far too short to be with people that don't really care about you.

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carjacker1985 · 12/09/2017 22:49

Agree with PP- you missed the deadline therefore have to make your own arrangements, and you're projecting all this other stuff to make it more dramatic than it is. She wouldn't have invited you if she didn't want you there.

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Cailleach666 · 12/09/2017 22:49

A lucky break.

I do my utmost to avoid hen parties- and weddings.

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SonicBoomBoom · 12/09/2017 22:51

I am sorry to be blunt but I think you are humiliating yourself with this.

I think you should send a polite "sorry, something has come up" message about the hen do and wedding, and then completely let the friendship drift.

You need to stop being a doormat.

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schoolgaterebel · 12/09/2017 22:52

Really sorry but it's obvious something has happened and things have been said and she doesn't want you at hen do or wedding. (If invitations were going out now you wouldn't be on the list)

I would send her a message asking her if she still wants you at the wedding as you feel that something has changed and would not want to attend her special day unless you were still wanted.

If she replies with trying to put you off coming I would just respond saying how important her friendship had been and that you were sad to see it end and say goodbye and wish her all the best and then block them all on your phone, email, social media. And move on and never look back.Flowers

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dizzyfairy · 12/09/2017 22:53

Thanks for all your replies, it's helped me to decide what I'm going to do.
As I previously said, there was no actual definitive date just a mention of the week, I had said I was definitely going and I did apologise profusely for being 2 days late. I had posted this previously.

You're right in saying that organising it must be a headache- I hadn't appreciated this fully as I was upset, but I realise now that I've overthought it and I will express this to her as well.

By mentioning colleagues c-f I failed to explain this is basically everyone from the charity. As I hope you can appreciate, I am quite Intimidated by the prospect of seeing them all at the wedding and this has probably clouded my view of events.

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Cailleach666 · 12/09/2017 22:57

As I hope you can appreciate, I am quite Intimidated by the prospect of seeing them all at the wedding and this has probably clouded my view of events.

And so this chain of events lets you off the hook.

Look on the bright side.

Organise something else that's nice to do that weekend.

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Phalenopsisgirl · 12/09/2017 23:00

There will almost certainly be someone who pulls out at the last minute, tell your friend you would love to come if a space opens up.

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Cailleach666 · 12/09/2017 23:01

There will almost certainly be someone who pulls out at the last minute, tell your friend you would love to come if a space opens up.

OP you are already grovelling.

I would drop the whole idea.

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MadMags · 12/09/2017 23:07

She shouldn't have to base her guest list on who you're comfortable with though.

It's not her fault you don't get on with your former colleagues. It's not unreasonable for you to have to make a phone call to book onto the trip. And it's not her fault you chose a hotel room over her offer to stay at hers! Asking someone to sleep on a blow up mattress is perfectly reasonable!

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gg1234 · 12/09/2017 23:23

Cut A and Cut B off your list of friends .Dont go to wedding say you were not well etc .Make new friends .( Sorry but that what I see is way they are treating you as piece of shit .You dont deserve this .You are way better than many .Walk away ...

GG

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Butterymuffin · 12/09/2017 23:27

Mags former colleague did the dirty on OP. A is overlooking that. And asking about the mattress is reasonable but so is declining. I wouldn't because I have back problems and know it would be hellish.

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MargaretTwatyer · 12/09/2017 23:29

I suspect a lot of people are not actually bothering to read the initial (very wordy) post and are just replying with platitudes based on the title and skim reading the post.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that any of this is because of the colleagues or about anything more than the bride possibly being a bit irritated about the OP being flakey. I really cannot understand how anybody could infer from what we know that there is some big plan to freeze the OP out.

It's just bloody nonsense and most of the advice on this thread is the worst I've ever seen on Mumsnet and is feeding the OPs anxiety needlessly.

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MadMags · 12/09/2017 23:31

I agree Margaret.

I'm actually baffled at the advice. Confused

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plantsitter · 12/09/2017 23:32

Really Margaret? I don't read it as a big plot necessarily but I do think that for her own sanity OP should bow out. From what she has said about redundancy procedures and the behaviour of previous friends it would be hideous. I suspect the OP is trying to behave with decency towards a group for whom decency went out of the window with OP's job.

Friend A may be lovely, but she's not exactly helping you in this is she.

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ethelfleda · 12/09/2017 23:38

Just want to echo others by saying basically - fuck the lot of them! You sound like a genuinely nice and thoughtful person and they don't deserve you. You have nothing to gain by being a doormat for these people (meant in the nicest possible way) I really wish that nice people were treated fairly but I have come to realise more and more that they aren't. I'm sorry these people have treated you this way!

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eatabagofdicks · 12/09/2017 23:44

Cut them all out. Stop grovelling and being pathetic.

And yes, sue them over your redundancy.

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eatabagofdicks · 12/09/2017 23:45

And btw, if I were friend A I wouldn't want to be friends with people who had mistreated someone I considered a good friend. I think that says a lot about her.

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Acromantula · 13/09/2017 00:08

I used to work for a (medical) charity. They were horrendous to their staff. So many of the junior staff (on minimum wage) left because of the appalling treatment by senior staff, who just regarded them as cannon fodder. I didn't complain when they sacked me just after the death of my DParent because I thought of the people they helped. But actually they didn't help that many people!

You deserve better! Get some legal advice and the sue the bastards! I wish I had!

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indigox · 13/09/2017 00:39

I'm not ready to give up on my friendship quite yet.

There is no friendship. You sound like a complete pushover, I'm not surprised they managed to fuck you over. Start standing up for yourself, the first step is to cut these people who don't care about you loose.

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