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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:

mummymummums · 10/09/2017 20:00

YABU - as a (part-time) working parent it seems obvious to me that a SAHM with sand number of children as me, has more time to do all the chores, shopping, etc that I end up fitting in late at night or rushing. Especially once DC are at school/pre-school. I also care heavily for elderly poorly parents.
I also fully acknowledge that full-time working parents have even less time.
Just do the maths!
I also volunteer as much as I can but with that there's not the pressure of work - it's a choice.
So yes, I think YABU.

mummymummums · 10/09/2017 20:01

But yes, if there's no partner or an almost never there partner, that too is hard due to lack of sharing.

Tilapia · 10/09/2017 20:03

YANBU - I find this line really annoying!

OrangeSamphire · 10/09/2017 20:04

You're right in that there are other factors but that is true of anybody's life whether they work full time, part time or not at all.

I read one of those 'SAHMs what have you done today' threads earlier this week and it just seemed to be very dominated by household chores. The same ones everybody does, job or no job.

Singap0reSling · 10/09/2017 20:05

If somebody said that to me, my response would be:

So fucking what?!

You are not me, living my life and vice versa. Piss off with your judgy pants, I hope they don't throttle you, you've hoiked them up so high

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 20:06

But that's what I'm trying to say.....its not always as simple as you don't work and I do therefore I'm busier. The sahm could have a lot more in their plate just no paid employment to then be told by the working mum who only has to work and has parents who do childcare for example "I do everything you do and work" when it's just not true. Obviously if you both had the exact same lives other than work then it fits but it's rarely the case.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/09/2017 20:07

I don't think people should compare or compete. Everyone's home life is different, everyone's needs and children are different that it shouldn't matter.

This whole SAHM/WOHM thing is deathly dull because there'll never be a resolution. SAHM's have my absolute respect. WOHM's do too. Any sort of parenting is bloody difficult when you're on Mumsnet hearing "you've got so much time on your hands, how dare you complain" or "I don't have enough hours in the day because I spend 12 hours at my desk then have to take Kerry and Dave to swimming practise". Who cares what other Mums do? Just have each others backs a little more and do what's right for your own family.

OvO · 10/09/2017 20:07

I don't understand that saying anyway. A working parent isn't doing the same as a sahm + job. A family member/child minder/nursery is doing the childcare part. So a sahm is doing chores plus child care stuff. So how's that what a working parent is doing?

If it's just chores then yeah, it's all got to be done by sahm and working parents. But being home with children isnt just housework.

PaintingByNumbers · 10/09/2017 20:08

Who even says that?
When I was a sahm I was doing stuff with the kids, then when they were at school I was having coffee with mates. Neither of which can be done to the same extent when working

iamyourequal · 10/09/2017 20:10

As you point out OP, there are many variables and everyones situation is different. However, overall, there can be no denying that adding 40 hours of work 'outside the home' on top of doing childcare, housekeeping etc is a considerable burden. Working FT hours is a lot. I've upped mine to FT in recent months and it's pretty full on I must admit! .

Babbitywabbit · 10/09/2017 20:11

Oh not this one again! I've never actually heard anyone say that in real life. Why would it even come up in conversation?
And if it did, I assume what people mean is that WOHP basically cover the same tasks involved in caring for children and running a home as SAHP but obviously in varying quantities. When my kids were small and I worked, I still changed nappies, played with my kids, read stories, cooked dinner, tidied up, did the laundry, cut the grass, etc, but did some of those things less frequenting on the days I worked than on my days at home.
That's all it is. Not worth trying to make an argument over

notanotherNC · 10/09/2017 20:12

That is just some working mums feeling insecure and guilty about not being SAHMs. Ignore. Most mums who are happy and insecure in their life choice don't say this shit. Who cares what other mums do?

corythatwas · 10/09/2017 20:12

Have done both. When I was working I did childcare in the evenings & at weekends but both children and I came home to a house that had not been played in/eaten in/weed on/painted in during the day. When I was a SAHM I did the job the childminder was doing when I worked: provide stimulating games, trips out, crafts and messy play, cleaning up the house after the same. The only mess was what the children created in the time between picking up time and bedtime. And- NO CRAFTS!

notanotherNC · 10/09/2017 20:13

happy and ssecure even... too much wine for me

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/09/2017 20:15

I've seen it said on here but to be fair only where a poster seems to be dragging the arse out of how busy they are, without any suggestion that there's anything about their circumstances that makes life more difficult for them than anyone else.

So for example a poster listing off everything they do: get dc up, make breakfast, make school lunches, load dishwasher, supervise teeth brushing, get school bags organised, drive to school... Which could all be covered by saying I get myself and dc organised and out the door every morning, something most of us do. Then there's "all the household admin". Again, we all pay the bills, organise plumber etc .

To be clear I don't think a SAHM or WOHM has any need to justify themselves but sometimes it can seem like the person outlining all they do doesn't realise that a WOHP has to do all that stuff too.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 10/09/2017 20:15

I've done both, being at work easier and the house doesn't get so trashed. It's clean and tidy when we leave and tidy when we get home.

peachybeachy · 10/09/2017 20:17

Working full time or even part time means you have less time for everything else. You can't spend as much time with children, cleaning, hobbies etc as you would be able to if you are a sahm. Something has to give. When I was a sahm my house was spotless, my kids had extra lessons at home, events were planned and not just playground stuff, food was more adventurous, I went to sales for clothes. Now I work, food is more beige, hoovering gets done once a fortnight, sat morning is boring chores time. My house is not as clean, I'm not as organised, and I don't see my kids anywhere near as much as I'd like. That is why I'm always going to be envious of a sahm.

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 20:17

I completely agree no one should compare or compete, as a sahm I have a lot of respect for working mums, it just doesn't seem to go both ways.....even friends have made comments like how can I be tired when I don't work (slip of the tongue stuff, that reveals how they really feel).

OP posts:

Openmindedmonkey · 10/09/2017 20:19

Judging people by this "who is busiest & more of a martyr" stance really hacks me off.
I'm a disabled SAHM with a cleaner. So I do bugger all on the busy martyr scale. Does that make me a better or worse person?? Judging people like that is bollocks, that's what it is.
Please can I have some wine?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 10/09/2017 20:19

Well you're not just household chores is it? It's looking after the children...so yes a lot of chores but caring for a child day. Also you need to do a lot more cleaning/tidying if you're home all day making meals, having toddlers bulldoze everything in their path.

I now work full time and don't find life particularly more demanding than I did when I was a SAHM. I come home from work in the evening and the house is generally in better condition because my children have been smearing chocolate around their childminders house.

mummymummums · 10/09/2017 20:19

What Iamyourequal said! But said it better than me. Mine are both at school, and I work while they're at school - I can't do anything while they're at school as I'm working. So it all gets fitted in when they're around or late at night. I only do 25 hrs a week and I know full well that people who work more hours have it harder. But I've never said it to anyone.
Have a lovely friend - a sahm who has a cleaner, a gardener and her DH does 75% of cooking. Both her DC at school. No carer responsibilities and never volunteers. No MH issues (I know this for sure as we are close). When I mentioned school were looking for volunteers for something and I was thinking of helping out, she said she'd love to do it too but when would she have the time? Said seriously. Her DC same age as mine, I work and see my v elderly parents every day to help them too but to her mind, she is very busy too, and I wouldn't dream of saying otherwise to her. I just smile and make empathetic noises

PugwallsSummer · 10/09/2017 20:19

I've done both - SAHM and working FT. Both tough in different ways. Would be hard pushed to choose which I prefer to be honest.

OvO · 10/09/2017 20:20

I'm glad you've posted that, CantSleep, as I couldn't imagine it being said in a way other than to be a smug arsehole. But that actually makes total sense - I've seen those sorts of posts you're talking about.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 10/09/2017 20:21

If never heard anyone day this in real life until my sister, oddly, suggested that I would have "loads of spare time" now that I'm on Maternity leave with dc2 (and toddler dc1). I was a bit because I'm sure if I said I usually do more than her because I work ft (she's sahm) she'd give me a bollocking.

Hassled · 10/09/2017 20:21

There are just so variables in this - unless you have a direct like-for-like comparison you reallly can't make any assumptions. My SAHM-days certainly felt busy enough.

That said, I have a family member in almost exactly the same set up as me (size of house, number and ages of DCs etc - none younger than mid-teens) who doesn't work, whereas these days I'm FT, and I struggle to smile and nod when she tells me how she's exhausted from being rushed off her feet. But then she probably doesn't tell her kids that onion gravy counts as a vegetable, as I did the other day .

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