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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 11/09/2017 07:23

Very few do everything I do and work. The only ones that do would be those with a severely disabled child.

Fartypant · 11/09/2017 07:24

No, of course. And working mums don't just work and look after kids do they; they also volunteer, socialise, have hobbies, take care of parents etc

People who work, do that and work

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 07:27

doingitallagaintoday but that 50 hours you work is 50 hours less of children being busy at home and trashing the house.

So you have less of that to deal with. You don't do all a SAHM does.

TrueRainbow · 11/09/2017 07:28

I just think I am crazy op! I realise I do more than everyone else, but that"s my own choice really

Inertia · 11/09/2017 07:29

The 'I do all that and work' argument ignores the fact that caring for children at home generates hours of extra work that simple don't arise if they are in daycare while parents work. When my babies/toddlers went to nursery for the day, somebody else played with them, did painting, made crafts, did soft play etc and then organised the cleaning up. Someone else cooked lunch and tea, and ferreted squashed peas and mash out of high chairs, and cleaned the floor. Someone else took the children out for a walk / in pushchairs, and swept up the mud. When I was home with them, I did it.

Even now my children are older, a lot more cleaning and cooking is generated just by having extra people in the house all day.

(I've done all combinations of Ft/Pt WOH and SAH, so no particular axe to grind.)

Littlecaf · 11/09/2017 07:30

Listen to the martyrdom in this thread from both sides.

Who cares? Your life, you choose. (Or you chose to have children and are now living it whatever).

missadasmith · 11/09/2017 07:31

of course a parent working 40h/week and doing the housework on top does more than a Sahm who in most cases has all day to do the chores.

I have yet to meet a women who takes on a job because it eases the burden of work/chores she had to undertake. It is always the other way round. All my Sahm friends gave up work as it got all too much.

but then, there is nothing wrong with being a Sahm if you can afford it and if it works for your family.

TrueRainbow · 11/09/2017 07:32

For instance I am not back at work then. I am still in bed and on mn. I would have had all 3 children in childcare and be miles away on my commute if I was at work.
I think sleep is what makes sahming easier.

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 07:36

But people do compare.
And you have to, on some threads. Because the answer is that the op needs to change her time allocations. She needs to ..... spend less time mn'ing/watching tv/whatever and do more of a/b/c. Be that cleaning or ironing or whatever.

People keep claiming that they are "so busy". Really? Hmm maybe they need to say no to more.

Most people have plenty of time, if they put they mind to it. Some exceptions, if ill children or elderly parents etc, but for most of us, we can manage it.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 11/09/2017 07:37

'I've only ever seen it in response to SAHM's who write these big lists of every chore they do, as if other people don't pay their bills or cook or wash their dishes or read to their children.'

This.
I've done SAHM (never long-term - maternity leaves), WFH (with childcare, highly focused job), WOH PT and FT. WOH is harder than either of the others. We never had domestic help, and family admin, cooking, grocery shopping, school/nursery stuff, homework, laundry, tax returns, holiday planning, medical and vet appts, etc. etc. don't all just disappear. That isn't anywhere near balanced out by less mess because people are out of the house (plus the morning/evening rush generate plenty of mess of their own IME).

I do think SAHP, rather than trying to talk up their busy-ness, should feel happy just to own the fact that they have one major stressor less in their life. (Which does not, of course, mean that all SAHP are less stressed than all WOHP. Talking about averages here).

MaisyPops · 11/09/2017 07:38

This again. Hmm

There are SAHP who are happy with their choice, the pros and cons and get on with it

There are SAHP who bitch endlessly about ever having to do any chores 'because my job is childcare'. And they view anything other than 50/50 chores to being treated like a slave.

There are SAHP who have a bloody martyr complex about why their 'job' is just so nuch harder than people who work, they have made the right choice to actually parent. Blah blah blah. See also people who call themselves 'full time mummy'

There are WOHP who do it out of choice for their career. They run their house but childcare is done by a nursery.

There are WOHP who don't have a choice, would love to be at home but bills don't pay themselves (they probably get pissed off at the smug SAHP syaing 'well just make sacrifices WE need' Hmm)

As long as the choice works for that family, who actually gives a shit?

TrueRainbow · 11/09/2017 07:38

Exactly, hetero. I am being lazy now I am a sahm and its great having a break for a bit Grin

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 07:46

I disagree with many of the posts on here.
One poster said, and I don't mean to highlight her specifically, but she said "you couldn't fit that all in : her 4dc activities, her volunteering and her studying.

That's right. But that isn't the comparison.
We all have choices. Or most of us do. Some exceptions, but you could have chosen to train for a professional job. Or not. You could chose to live somewhere cheaper or not. You could have chosen to have less children. You can choose to work part time or full time.
You can choose for your children to do no activities after school.

For some choices are limited, and things have happened that have stopped choices: you could have had a disabled child, or your husband may have died.

But, for most, we do have some degree of choices.

Everyone needs to buy food, clean, wear clean clothes, get children to school. (Apart from home schoolers).

what you do with your time between 8am and 8pm is probably a bit silly to compare.

harlandgoddard · 11/09/2017 07:46

It's the justifying it on both ends that causes problems. Everyone needs to stop justifying they're choices and just get on with things. Anyone who has ever been home with a baby or toddler is aware it's no walk in the park, and every working parent is not caring for their child full time however you want to phrase it.

Barring caring for someone with health issues/disabilities no one needs to be that busy. If you want to be then good for you but it doesn't make you a better person. If I had the choice I'd never work again.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 07:49

I feel this thread is going round in circles now, with people not reading it but commenting they do more than sahm cause they work, because they aren't seeing the variables in people's lives. Think next time someone starts on with the I do more than you comments I will just call them out on their competative martyrdom Wink

For what it's worth, I never started this thread to say I have it harder than working parents, I'm pretty lucky with my lot. But only to point out that it's not always so simple as to who has it harder xxx

OP posts:
FruitCider · 11/09/2017 07:51

Until my child started school last week, they were in childcare 2 days a week and I had them at home 3 days a week with me (I work long days). My house was never trashed on the days my child was at home! In fact my child is very good at cleaning up and they aren't even 5 yet. We do one activity, we put it away, we do another one, we tidy that one up.

SAHPs aren't doing 50 hours more child care than me at all, they are doing 18. And I work full time and still have to do the same amount of house work, laundry, life admin, shopping etc. This is my second week off work whilst my child starts school, I've deep cleaned the house, got rid of old toys, sorted the garden, etc in the first week. Today I feel lost as I have nothing to do...

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 07:51

P.s sorry if you feel this particular subject is over done, and commented oh not this again. I'm sorry I don't frequent forums, I don't have time WinkGrinHalo

OP posts:
TrueRainbow · 11/09/2017 07:52

Why cant you volunteer, study, work full time and have lots of dcs? Its still possible

RedSkyAtNight · 11/09/2017 08:00

I do think that SAHMs often seem to forget what it's like to go out to work (even if they've worked for many years previously).

Summed up by a recent comment on my FB where a SAHM wrote.

Here's what I did today:
Got DC up
Got breakfast
Cleaned up after breakfast
Changed beds
Took DC to school
Hoovered (etc ... followed a quite long list).

My DH has it really easy because all he's done is go to work!

I've never seen a working person feel that they need to quantify everything they do in such a way.

thedcbrokemybank · 11/09/2017 08:01

I have not seen anywhere on this thread where a SAHP has said they do more than a working parent yet there are lots of posts from working parents who say they do the same as a SAHP and more. It is this which undermines the role of SAHP. Like someone up thread said life is just not about working and caring for children and there is always a compromise, whichever you take.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 11/09/2017 08:03

I agree with you chocolate

It really does depend on your circumstances

And again depending on your circumstances the statement can be correct or not

Cailleach666 · 11/09/2017 08:04

I've never seen a working person feel that they need to quantify everything they do in such a way.

Because they are not attacked for being lazy.

Inertia · 11/09/2017 08:06

Full -time jobs are not created equal either. Someone who works 9-5 with a 15 minute commute each way will have more time available than someone who has a 2 hour commute each way, or someone who has to travel abroad frequently, or someone in the police/ NHS who can't leave until a particular aren't/ caseload is complete, or those in professional roles who must stay late or take hours of work home.

My MIL used to do full time office work - her workload was often so light that she could do a lot of her own admin / online shopping in her working hours.

Gooseberrytart4 · 11/09/2017 08:08

I'm with you OP.

But also a working parent isn't doing the same. They have full or part time time childcare

MissWilmottsGhost · 11/09/2017 08:21

All of the sahm I know have mental or physical health issues that affect their ability to work.

So wohm do more, because they can. How nice for them Hmm