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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 10/09/2017 21:11

I work part time and I do ALL the housework/washing/meals/mental load, my friend works full time but her partner helps and she has hired a cleaner. She thinks I live the high life though. It's never as simple as it seems. Maybe I'd like to be in her position, maybe I wouldn't. We shouldn't judge other people though.

GastonsWife · 10/09/2017 21:11

I work full time. I'm jealous of the time SAHMs get to spend with their children but also enjoy my job. We all have our own burdens and responsibilities. It's not a competition.

coffeekittens · 10/09/2017 21:11

Everyone is different, I found being a SAHM the easiest, although I was studying at the time aswell, working part time definately the hardest as I was doing an early shift every week day then coming home to look after DD I was too exhausted for downtime in the evening, working FT in a demanding job now and I couldn't cope without my cleaner 2 hours a week keeping on top of things. All of this as a lone parent.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 21:12

Yes, that was my point. Not a working vs sahm thing but it's not only working that equals busy. Flowers

OP posts:
Thirtyrock39 · 10/09/2017 21:13

I have done both but it's no contest in terms of its harder working. Things like you can just choose to have a day in your pjs and can nap while they watch in the night garden. What was hard as a sahm was being b skint and filling the dAy but I used to have a much tidier house and baked, did the garden,went to all the plays, sports days etc, no drama if kids were poorly and couldn't go to school etc
There's lots of positives being a sahm for the kids and I don't have a problem with it at all but it's def harder working as well

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 21:16

Nooo. Not a working vs not working what's harder contest. But there's a lot more to life that that which makes everyone different so the statement "I do everything you do and work" is ridiculous was my aibu.

OP posts:
Spudlet · 10/09/2017 21:16

I'm glad no one has said this to me, I think my eyebrows might shoot straight off the top of my head. Who the fucketty fuck cares that much about what someone else gets up to?! And WHY do we, as women, have to do this competitive martyrdom? It's so BORING, and are the men doing this? No. Just bloody stop it. Live your life and let others live theirs. Hmph.

Ttbb · 10/09/2017 21:23

As a SAHM whose eldest DC has recently started nursery I can testify that not taking care of children full time is significantly less work than taking care of them full time. Even with one less child (still one more that I care for full time) I have found an extra two hours a day. With both DC at nursery I would have anywhere as much as ten free hours a day (which I could then spend working). Yes working parents still perform the same parenting tasks as non-working parents but no where near as much. Working parents do some of what SAHP do plus work. SAHP do more of the childcare stuff that working parents do but don't work. And both are fine. You are not less of a parent for not caring for your children 100% of the time and if you stay at home to take care of your children and don't work you are not work shy or lazy.

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 21:26

I have done both but it's no contest in terms of its harder working

Like with everything, it's different for everyone. I found working easier than being a SAHM. I was good at my job, it was challenging but enjoyable and I got time to go to the gym in between meetings etc. As a SAHM I to two non napping pre schoolers I don't get a second to myself. So for me personally, being a SAHM was/is harder. But this isn't about how hard it is. It's about the frankly boring and pointless competition over who's busier/who does more/who has it toughest.

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 21:29

Also, if I think someone is less busy than me, has more free time to spend on themselves/their hobbies etc, I'm generally pleased for them!

Flopjustwantscoffee · 10/09/2017 21:32

As someone who works full time I find there's much less cleaning to do in the evenings than when I'm of, because no one has been in the house most of the day to mess it up. I do wish I could work part time/cut my hours, but that's more because I would like to spend more time with my son, do more things than because I'm kidding myself I'd suddenly have ooodles of free time.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 21:32

But this isn't about how hard it is. It's about the frankly boring and pointless competition over who's busier/who does more/who has it toughest.

Yes this. Summed up much better than I rambled on lol!

OP posts:
Nuttynoo · 10/09/2017 21:34

Working, raising kids, having to manage family and work and housework is so bloody difficult. You realise cleaners don't clean houses that haven't got a certain level of minimum upkeep, that childminders and nurseries will often finish before 7pm and so if you have a commute you often have to find time at midnight to finish work off. I'm lucky in the sense that my partner can keep his own schedule and is home based, but there are plenty of working full time households where neither parent has the luxury.

These people are doing 4am to 12am days sometimes. There's no question that working parents work harder.

BeerBaby · 10/09/2017 21:35

I was just coming on to say it's not a competition. No two people live the same lives. It's a pointless, fruitless waste of time and energy to play the "my life is harder than yours" game. Can we not just all support each other?

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 21:37

Can we not just all support each other?

Exactly. What difference does it make to your life if someone has it easier/harder than you? You're still living your life and making your choices. What a pointless waste of energy.

TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 21:40

I've been off for the summer. It isn't anything like doing a job and doing everything at home imo. Doing both makes you a lot busier

Shinyhappypeople78 · 10/09/2017 21:41

Op that phrase annoys me too. It conveys on every Sah/woh thread.
If the children are school she than they have a point term time.
But any other time unless they take their kids to work with them than no no no.

Shinyhappypeople78 · 10/09/2017 21:41

Bloody auto correct

missanony · 10/09/2017 21:42

Do none of the children nap? From 1-3 my dc slept for 2 hours in the afternoon. If I'd have been home everyday I could have done so much watched loads of TV

Nobody really likes people who moan, do they? As a working parent, I do inwardly groan when sahm friends moan about having no time to do anything etc. I've been there & know that they don't consume every minute between 7am-7pm

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 21:44

Mine are 3 and 2 and don't nap. Haven't for a while.
Still don't moan though, or compare my workload to others. What's the point?

blackheartsgirl · 10/09/2017 21:44

Working full time for me is a hell of a lot harder than working part time or sahm. I've done all 3 and I can say now that being a sahm was a walk in the park with regards to juggling everything

I have 4 kids, work full time, never get to do the school runs, my house is a permanent shit tip because I just don't have time to do anything, I have no extended family to do any sort of child care, and dp works nights so is no use at all. I'd give anything to be anything le to go back and work part time but I need the money.

Mentally however I was depressed being a sahm mum, I felt I had no worth in society which I know was stupid but that's how I thought of myself, I am glad I work full time but I wish I had the option to at least work shifts at work, I feel this would give me more time to do things.

My colleague also works days, same hours as me and annoys me a bit when she judges me because I Co, e to work shattered from having yet another sleepless night, she gets every single weekend to herself because her kids go to her in laws every weekend so she and her dh can have a break, she doesn't drive so everyone ferries her about Inc me as I drive her across town to pick her up every morning, and her in laws also pay for their holiday every year, ah well I'm just a bit envious I suppose. Not very nice emotion.

Conniedescending · 10/09/2017 21:45

Who really cares who's life is harder though? This is just about stay at home parents feeling they need to justify to others what they do and workers going 'hang on a moment......'

Don't see many men having endless debates about whether their lives are harder or easier depending on what they're doing or whether they have a partner who stays at home

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 21:47

This is just about stay at home parents feeling they need to justify to others what they do

But why do stay at home parents feel the need to justify that they do? I don't. I look after my children all day. Doesn't need any justification as far as I'm concerned.

ScarletForYa · 10/09/2017 21:52

I've done both. Working is harder imo.

I'd love a few weeks just to catch up with cleaning! Sad or what!

Rudedog · 10/09/2017 21:53

Ive been it all - full time, part time, term time, SAHP....

The main difference was when I was a SAHP the weekends were great as I had nothing to do but hang out with family and relax - now I have to fit cleaning and ironing in.

As my friend (who also has done it all) said - you will always fill your time, and when I was a SAHP I did find that - theres less general rushing, I had time to enjoy food shopping even, everything is done in depth, not just a quick clean etc

My issue is people like my SIL who will constant tell you how incredibly BUSY she is - she hasn't worked for 15 years - her kids take themselves to and from school, she has a cleaner because she is SO BUSY.... she can't manage her time now though.
She never used to be so disorganised and late - i think she's forgotten the skill

I also have a SAHP friend who is also soooo busy, she shops... that's it. She hasn't gotten any money but she window shops constantly. Her weekends are full of her doing housework because she has no time in the week - I think she just can't manage her time (and why I don't think she will ever work)

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