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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 21:53

Doesnt need any justification. It just seems obvious to me that doing 2 things is harder than one. Just from a time perspective for a start.

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 21:57

It just seems obvious to me that doing 2 things is harder than one

But that's the point. It's not two things rather than one. It's not as simple as that. While a working parent is out at work, they're not physically caring for their child. Someone else is. Both parents are doing the same household chores, yes. But when a working parent is at work, a SAH parent is doing childcare. And that's not a judgment on what is easier/harder, it's just stating that it's not a direct comparison.

TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 21:59

I had to take my 2 children to work full time for 7 years. I had 4 different jobs in that time so maybe I am different. I like having the break of not carting them around anymore.

We then did opposite shifts for the next 3 years and finally next month I will start on a normal shift. Cant bloody wait!

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 22:00

Again. It's not a which is harder. It's life has so many variables that it's not as simple as who has it harder workers or sahm.

Example off of the top of my head, after a particularly hard day with 4 kids my husband is late home from work, friend asks how I am, I say I'm a bit stressed cause dh is late home, at this point he would have been gone 13 hours or so. Instead of being supportive or helpful she pipes up oh my dh works 16 hour shifts and I've got work tomorrow. So I'm just trying to talk to a friend, friend is one upping me for no reason. I could then go on to say but your dh works 4 days mine does 7 and I have 4 kids and you have 2 and so on as to reasons my life is harder but I don't as it's pointless. I don't know if I'm making any sense lol

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TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 22:01

I had a hard time at the start as my dd was an undiagnosed autistic. We used to have staff meetings and she would be having meltdowns on the floor. I cringe at those days!

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 22:04

Yes you are making sense, it is pointless. However hard/easy my life is makes no difference to hard/easy someone else's life is. It's still their life and still their choices. People like to knock others for no reason. Why can't we be happy for people who have it easier than us, rather than a culture of one up-man ship?
I know many people who have more free time than me. Them not having that free time wouldn't make my life any easier. So why dwell on it?

TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 22:04

Soz that was to ecrureill.

I get what your saying op, but I have been off since May and I think my working friends will be a lot more stressed/tired than me as they are going to work. Your friend is probably just feeling frustrated. She shouldnt have told you though

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/09/2017 22:06

SOme of us do do the same parenting as a sahm (of school age kids) though, whilst working. I do all my work while kids are at school/once they are in bed.

I'm not saying that to be "better". I just think it's important to raise awareness that there are ways to work and spend lots of time with your children (if you're prepared to sacrifice "me time").

TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 22:08

Agreed, twerk. I know lots of mums doing night shifts and then childcare all day or working from home or opposite shifts. Really common to do both these days.

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 22:08

Maybe my view is different as I have two pre schoolers who don't nap so am physically caring for them full time, and don't actually know anyone personally who's a SAHM to school aged children.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 22:09

truerainbow that wasn't real life, just an example of how a simple comment can lead to one upping each other. Glad it made sense though lol x

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 22:09

But again, what does it matter? Some people do more than me and some do less. What they do doesn't affect my life, so why dwell on it? Pointless.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 22:10

That's I did. I worked nights, then had children in the day whilst dh worked. It got too much for me personally when I had my 3rd

OP posts:
TrueRainbow · 10/09/2017 22:14

Yeah thats because it does get too much for a lot of people. I have kept going and retrained in a professional job and I am able to keep going with my 3rd, but of course it is difficult compared to being at home. I just think I have to power through.

I am trying to get extra fit, eat right, water, having a strict routine. It is still a worry though sometimes

Amiable · 10/09/2017 22:18

I have a badge which says "Every mother is a working mother".

I have 2 school age kids, and work in an office 30 days a week, and have done since I returned to work 6 yrs ago, when DS was 1. This is my choice. I know mums that SAH, mums that work a few hours part time, longer hours part time, and full time. We all work, we all care for our kids, I have never really understood the "competition" between WOHM and SAHM.

We are all f@cking amazing!

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/09/2017 22:28

I totally agree amiable . But unfortunately some Sahm like to imply wohm are some how "lesser" parents Confused

NoMoreAngstPls · 10/09/2017 22:32

Well my pet hate is 'its easier going to work than staying at home '.

Well surely it depends what job you have, how old your kids are etc.

Personally I have a very stressful job, which is absolutely NOT easier than going to work. I have to bring work home, have stressful deadlines, and a big team to manage. My DCs are in school, and i would have 6+ more hours free time per day if I was a SAHM.

NoMoreAngstPls · 10/09/2017 22:34

Oops * not easier than staying at home

thedcbrokemybank · 10/09/2017 22:35

*Lurkedforever1 Sun 10-Sep-17 20:49:32
thedc wohm do fit all that in, they just have to do the stuff you do in school hours after their kids are in bed. *

God this thread has pissed me off and depressed me in equal measure. I am studying and as I said in my previous post I also volunteer in a role which takes at least 10 hrs per week (either hands-on or like tonight spent doing paperwork). A voluntary role which actually is pretty vital and has a massive benefit to our local community. If I worked I could not do either of the above as the stress of trying to fit everything in would just not be worth it and actually I'd probably do a piss poor job of everything. So please do not patronise me and tell me you could do everything I do even though you work. You couldn't and I wouldn't expect you to either but do not devalue my life by assuming that because you work you somehow have super powers to do everything I do and more.

ifcatscouldtalk · 10/09/2017 22:40

It doesn't matter what your situation is, someone will be happy to tell you how much harder they have it, or in a v condescending and bitter way how lucky you are.
I've been told how my life simply must be easier in relation to the number of children I have (1), the hours I work (pt) and yes maybe that does make elements of my life easier, But these two facts about me are a tiny part of what is going on in my world.
Best thing I've found is to say is "yep your right, my life is a piece of piss." Or " well ya know,Its all fairytale for me." It tends to make them forget their next sentence Grin.
Also this is a female thing, men do not try and out do each other on the "my life's harder than your life" nonsense.

NoMoreAngstPls · 10/09/2017 22:41

Some people have boundless energy.

As mentioned above, I work FT and put in long stressful hours. I also do homework supervision, cook dinner, ferry to clubs etc. I spend most of my limited free time virtually catatonic, totally knackered.

But I have friends who do the same but also go to the gym, run the PTA, are a school governor, coach sports clubs etc etc. I really don't know how.....

I guess everyone has different coping limits and energy levels.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 22:42

I work full time and I would never ever say this to a friend because it's simply not accurate. There is a lot of pressure on working work young children but I don't parent my child every day and that's a lot of work too.

Alpacaandgo · 10/09/2017 23:52

It does really depend on each circumstances. I'm a single mum to 5 and I work full time. The older kids are home after school so my house isn't tidy when I finish work! It's a constant juggling act with chores, food, morning school runs, various clubs etc. I envy sahm 's I really want to be one!

The one thing that I really really hate peopld saying is something like 'why did you choose to go back to work'. And this usually comes from sahm friends. As far as I'm concerned if you are a sahm it means you're the one who had the luxury of choice here!

There was no choice because if I didn't work I would have no money to feed and clothe my children and put a roof over our heads.

On the other hand, someone who is married, loves their job, has a cleaner and childcare probably doesn't find it particularly tough going!

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 05:47

truerainbow or perhaps I have a lot extra going on that would make it harder for me to continue work? Not saying I do or i don't, just that that is my point, you may have managed to retrain and continue to work because your life is different to mine so it's possible? And just because you go out to work that doesn't = more difficult. Maybe, maybe not, but the point is you don't know, so you can't say your life is more difficult just because you work.

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Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 11/09/2017 05:58

thedcbrokemybank I'm sorry about that, the actual point of this thread was to point out people have a lot going on other than work, like you.

ifcatscouldtalk yes very true. People can be so bitter. As for men after the tired comment from a friend I said to my DH about it and said you wouldn't get like that if your best friend said he was tired (still lives at home, has no kids/responsibilities, whereas DH has 4 kids, works 6 sometimes 7 days a week on a very manual job, then comes home to football training with our kids and so on) my DH just said no, of course he's tired after working all night.

alpacaabagandgo it's not always a choice to stay home.

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