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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 10/09/2017 20:21

*If somebody said that to me, my response would be:

So fucking what?!*

It's a good response!

To be honest, whenever I see all those tedious lists of "here's all the things I do on top of working 50 hours a week", I just think we are lucky to have time for some fun and space in our lives. I don't think, "Gosh - someone else is much busier with work and household admin than I am and must therefore be an inherently more admirable and worthwhile person." Who cares what anyone else does?

Anecdoche · 10/09/2017 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 20:23

Sorry did realise questioning this line was overdone. Obviously I knew sahm vs wahm was, but I didn't intend for this to be that at all. I've been both myself.

OP posts:

Babbitywabbit · 10/09/2017 20:23

I've done both too. Both great and rewarding and different ways; very glad i didn't stay at home for too long though because I highly doubt I'd have been able to keep up my career if I'd stopped for any length of time.

Waitingonasmile · 10/09/2017 20:24

I think it depends whether the SAHM has all children at school or not. While children are still at home obviously SAHM have a long, tiring and very busy day. They probably have as little time for chores as a working mum. When all children are at school they have a reasonable amount of free time and far more time to do chores than a working mum.

MiaowTheCat · 10/09/2017 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saysomething88 · 10/09/2017 20:28

Yanbu and I work 30 hours a week with 2 pre school children at home.
I actually find it harder being at home trying to keep the house tidy whilst running around after my 2 tornados (kids) and keeping them stimulated and learning everyday. So my kids go to nursery whilst I work (or with my DH who works different hours sometimes)
It's just another thing to divide working mums and stay at home mums

thedcbrokemybank · 10/09/2017 20:34

Sorry mummymummums but that is not true. Just because you do the same tasks it doesn't mean you do them for the same amount of time or with the same frequency.
I have 4 dc (all just started at school) and am a SAHM although I am studying part time for a masters. I cook from scratch during the day so that a meal is prepared because everyone eats at different times so it needs to be ready. I clean during the day because my time between 3-9 is generally taken up by children's activities and bedtime routine. I also have a voluntary role which takes up on average 10 hours per week. You could not possibly fit all that into your day whilst you work. Conversely I couldn't possibly work and fit all that in.
A glib statement like "I do everything you do and work" (which I have incidently seen a number of times on here) can not take into account individual circumstances.

Littlecaf · 10/09/2017 20:35

I work, have a preschooler and I have friends who are SAHM, I would never ever say that to anyone. I've never heard it and if I did I would put them right! How dare someone judge your lifestyle?! What happened to sisterhood? Haven't we as feminists evolved to understand that we now (most of the time) have a choice! That should be celebrated - We can choose (finances aside) whether we work or not. It's not the 1950s, neither is 'right'!

Women who think like that need to change their attitude. Honestly.

AccrualIntentions · 10/09/2017 20:37

If SAHP's children are at school then yes, they have much more time to do the same amount of work as a WOHP.

If they are at home with their children all day then IMO that's equivalent to being at work all day.

plantsitter · 10/09/2017 20:39

You often hear that shit. Obviously it's impossible due to the fact of TIME. I'm doing stuff you don't do while you're at work. That may be child related. It may be picking my nose and eating it. It may be taking my elderly neighbour to the hospital. I don't judge parents who work and in starting to get really fucked off with the SAHM slagging off that goes on here. As if all that matters is our economic function.

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 20:41

I've heard it said on here and just find it a bit off because the two situations aren't really comparable. Yes everyone has the same household chores to do of course, but while a working parent is out of the house working all day, I'm looking after two pre schoolers. Which a working parent isn't doing. I've been in both situations and couldn't possibly decide which is easier/harder, but it's inaccurate to say 'I do everything you're doing and work aswell'. Unless the children are school age I guess.

MiaowTheCat · 10/09/2017 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grasspigeons · 10/09/2017 20:42

I'm always puzzled when anyone who uses childcare says this, and I have seen it in threads. I've had a range of working patterns from none to 4 days a week. When i worked it was pretty clear I didn't do everything a SAHM did because I paid someone else to do the big bit of the job - the keeping 2 children occupied and fed. I also found when my children were at nursery the house kept itself an awful lot tidier than if it was being used all day so needed less cleaning.

Everyone's lives are so different I don't think it makes sense to presume you do more than someone else or there is any merit in it. What can you change to make you enjoy and cope with your own life better is really all that matters.

redemptionsongs · 10/09/2017 20:46

I don't do everything the SAHPs I know do AND work ft - their kids look, to me, for the most part better looked after than mine, the childcare I pay for isn't as good as having a devoted, well educated parent for 50 hours vs a 1:8/1:whatever the ratios are at ASC. Why don't I do it? I prefer to have financial independence and the extra money. We all need to own our own choices not make out that we've made superior ones to other people.

LonginesPrime · 10/09/2017 20:46

even friends have made comments like how can I be tired when I don't work

Sounds like you need new friends, OP.

Lurkedforever1 · 10/09/2017 20:49

thedc wohm do fit all that in, they just have to do the stuff you do in school hours after their kids are in bed. Probably don't take as long cleaning, and sort bills etc on their lunch, but the cooking isn't unique to sahms. I always did mine the night before so it was just a case of throwing it in the oven.

In rl I have met a few sahms, usually with one easy dc and a dh who did a fair share, who bleated on about how hard their lives were to anyone, and not recognising the irony in the fact their audience often had far more on their plate. (Large families, lone parents, wohps, multiples, health/sn complications etc). But they were just twats who happened to be sahms. If they'd had to wohm then they would have bleated about that.

mummymummums · 10/09/2017 20:57

Thedcbrokemybank - what I'm trying to say is that it's obvious in life that some people are busier than others - it's not necessarily work related but working definitely doesn't help. I spend at least 15 hours a week with my parents as they need a lot of support - that's got nothing to do with me working. I'd have to do it whether I worked or not but I'd do more if I didn't work - I really wish I could do more. Often have to sit DC in corner with iPads - huge guilt - when I'm with Dad as he's near end of life. Also have to do all the chores when they're home from school. I often feel crap for them but it's not forever. If I had time I'd spend more time cooking - never use ready meals but just cook same things on repeat. From scratch but not time consuming. Something has to give so yes, I spend less time cooking than I'd like to, and chores can mount up or be done in a hurry and sometimes not v well.
I have a colleague - single parent, 4 DC (teenage) one full time job and a part time one, and caring for elderly father. I'd have lost my mind in her shoes.
It's nothing to do with working, but working doesn't help when you have other commitments too.
The studying part time is hard - i did that hut before DC.

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 20:57

"As if all that matters is your economic status" yes! Ridiculous really isn't it when we are so much more as humans.

And all the people that mentioned being martyr, being busier than you so better etc, so agree, it's like your supposed to feel bad for having a life that you have some time to enjoy?! Wouldn't we all choose that option? Why is being busy all the time so glorified!

OP posts:

Mammylamb · 10/09/2017 20:58

I'm a wohm (well, 4 days a week). Completely disagree that I do everything a sahm does and then my paid job employment on top of that. My son is in childcare while I'm at work. A sahm is "doing" childcare at that time , which I think can be harder and more tiring than an office job. It's really bloody difficult to get any chores done when you're watching a toddler! And every night when I get home, my house is fairly tidY and clean as I've not had a toddler running riot all day. If I could afford it, I would be a sahm; but I don't think for a minute it's always the easier option

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 20:59

Big hugs mummymummums your load does sound tough.

OP posts:

mummymummums · 10/09/2017 21:01

Exactly LurkedForever1.
And just to add, when the DC are at home, before they start school, then crikey, yes, every bit as labour intensive as working whatever you do! It's bloody hard work. I remember being desperate for DH to appear when I was on Maternity leave!

Original poster

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 21:05

It is funny as the ones I know who moan they have to work and are so much busier are also the first to moan about days spent with their kids and how hard it's been lol

OP posts:

mummymummums · 10/09/2017 21:06

Thank you Chocolate - up to 5 years ago my parents did my childcare. I had it good - working seemed easy then. It can all change in an instant though, and it's not forever. I'd have all this whether I worked or not, but I'd spend more time with my parents if I didn't work. This time next year I know I'll have more time. As you say, it's not a work thing.

hazeyjane · 10/09/2017 21:08

I think the look of mania on my face usually puts people off making comments like this to me.

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