Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 12/09/2017 16:54

A lot of people do my job as a hobby (it's an oft quoted one by SAHMs) so that presumably colours their judgement as to what it's actually like.

I'm not remotely complaining. I love it and know how lucky I am, but it ain't a hobby.

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 16:58

I don't think anyone thinks a job is 'me time'. No one has said that.

I said SAHMs don't get a break from kids unlike parents who work or SAH but kids at school, but perhaps I should've said 'change'.

I had a very high pressured busy job before kids and after my first, but even so nothing has been as relentless as being at home with two kids under two.

But not 'me-time,' no.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 17:03

Plant its significantly different doing a stressful job post children than it is before

plantsitter · 12/09/2017 17:06

Yes I know.

TrueRainbow · 12/09/2017 17:09

Thats the hard bit for me as you are looking at clock sometimes, driving like a woman possessed, barking orders like a Sgt Major and then get in to work like 'hellllo, please trust me to work here'

BuckinhamL · 12/09/2017 17:17

even so nothing has been as relentless as being at home with two kids under two.

I found it completely the other way round - when I worked compressed hours, my days home with a (then) 1 and 3 year old were bliss (but busy!) compared to my days at work. That reflects more on my job at the time rather than the merits of days home with children though...

KweenOfFarts · 12/09/2017 18:41

Those that are working full time if you was to be given the choice whereas you could be a SAHP (you having same money as you do now with working) would you be a SAHP? If yes how would you visualize your day to day life to be, once the novelty has worn off. If you would choose to continue working? (Again hypothetically money wouldn't change if you did or didn't) Why?

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/09/2017 18:57

I'd be a stay at home parent - though now that mine are teenagers and out the house most of the day, it's a more attractive prospect than being home with two small babies.

Joking aside, teenagers do take up a lot of your headspace and need a lot of support. I do a "thinking" rather than a "doing" job and find my head has far too much going on in it most of the time - it's exhausting and it affects my sleep.

If i was at home, it'd take at least a year for me to get my house sorted out how I'd like it. I'd like to take up some crafts and get properly fit. I might find a less stressful part time job, or do some volunteering. I'd quite like to foster but DH wouldn't be up for that.

ssd · 12/09/2017 18:57

this thread shows that no two families are alike, no two situations are alike

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 12/09/2017 19:00

Exactly my point ssd but I don't think everyone will ever grasp that hence every few posts you get a mum saying she has it harder because......lol

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 12/09/2017 19:03

Also influencing my decision is that i've been working full time for 34 years asides from two lots of 5 months mat leave. I've technically still got another 16 years to work. I'm not sure I can really do that but don't really have a a choice.

ludothedog · 12/09/2017 19:05

My year off on maternity leave or SAHP was bliss. Best year of my life. Would I go back to it if I could have the same money? Of course I would! Life was all about coffee and cake, walking miles with the dog, home cooked food and time to do housework. Now life is at 100 miles an hour, rushing to work, rushing back home again and doing neither job particularly well. It just needs one of us to be ill and the wheels come off our situation. My house is a mess and dinner is of convenience. No time for walking the dog properly and I don't remember the last time I did some exercise.

Working full time with a bit of a commute and having a primary school aged child is difficult. I've been late to pick up my child twice this week due to work/commute issues. Luckily DD is pretty secure but even with that she gets extremely upset when I'm late and she's left at after school club with pissed off staff. And lets not mention all the missed school events etc.

redemptionsongs · 12/09/2017 19:06

Oh yes, I'd quit for a year, sort every bit of my life out meticulously, start the children on a cultural improvement plan and then I'd find a part time volunteer job...ideally something involving kids and teaching. Where is that lottery ticket?

That said, I don't mind my job it is one of the quieter ones and I work from home 90% which is lovely although bad for my waistline! Nobody sees me scoffing on Conf calls!

SuzukiLi · 12/09/2017 19:07

kween god no!!

BuckinhamL · 12/09/2017 19:17

I work from home 90% which is lovely although bad for my waistline! Nobody sees me scoffing on Conf calls!

Snacking is the bane of my life when working from home!! It's so much easier to be disciplined in the office...

redemptionsongs · 12/09/2017 19:19

Yes, tiny bit bored, lull, log into mumsnet and pop to the kitchen. I was at least a stone lighter in the office :)

Monny · 12/09/2017 19:20

As a single, working parent;

"I don't manage to do everything you do as a SAHM, some of it's a botch job, and definitely approach loo with caution."

But it's not a bloomin' competition to be busy. If another parent's life is less manic and they're happy, well actually good. That probably has advantages for all the family so it's just nice.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/09/2017 19:22

kween I could have been a SAHM.

My DH earns daft money. And he's supportive of whatever I choose. I also live in an area with lots of SAHPs so I wouldn't have struggled for company etc.

But it's just not for me. I like what I do and I'm good at it. I'm fortunate that I've been able to combine a great career with a happy family life. I've enjoyed having both.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/09/2017 19:24

Worth mentioning I guess that my DC have no additional needs.

Easy kids in so many respects. Which obviously makes it less difficult for DH and I to both have successful careers.

Spangles1963 · 12/09/2017 19:34

Unbelievably,my exMIL said this to me once,when my DD was 2 years old. She had been on my back constantly since DD was about 6 months old,saying that I really should be 'contributing',rather than expecting her darling son to do it all. When she came out with the line 'Well I do as much as you do AND go out to work full time' my jaw must have hit the floor. 2 of her 4 children still lived at home,and they were 18 and 24! Apart from that,her house was an absolute tip,she NEVER did any housework (thought it was a complete waste of time and energy) and she didn't have a husband to think about.

Lurkedforever1 · 12/09/2017 20:56

spangles your mil may well have less on her plate now her kids are older. But to say a single parent has it easier because they don't have a husband to worry about is far more ignorant and stupid than anything she's said.

differenteverytime · 12/09/2017 20:58

It probably depends on the husband. When I was newly separated from my ex, I honestly did find it easier.

Lurkedforever1 · 12/09/2017 21:09

differently I presume that's why he's your ex? 'need to end my relationship with this idiot' and actual husband are not the same thing at all, and it's pretty clear I am referring to the latter.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 12/09/2017 22:17

If money wasn't an issue I would 100% be a stay at home parent. Only time I've been at home is my maternity leave and it was amazing. We had a varies and interesting diet, the house was marginally tidier than it is now. My evenings once ds was in bed were nice and leisurely. I got to spend time with my d's and dp.

Contrast to now where we've (dp and i) piled on the weight because we are constantly just grabbing whatever's fast. We have 2 days off together each month because we have to coordinate shifts for childcare. I'm exhausted on an evening so never do anything productive, my child spends more time at his nans than I'm honestly happy with but needs must for work. I have a general under current of stress at all times and I know dp feels the same. At the moment I can't see an end to the relentless slog of it all.
So yes I'd be a sahp in a heartbeat but finances just won't allow it at the moment. Hell I'd happily work and have dp be at home just to relieve the pressure of it all.

Having said that I agree with many on here that competitive busyness and the wohp v sahp debate helps no one. Each to their own I say.

KweenOfFarts · 13/09/2017 10:41

Thanks to those who answered my question. I've been in various positions working when had to but not for financial reasons. Not working when needed to but not be able to due to child issues.

The first year with a baby goes so quick and I loved having that time and going back to work felt like never had enough hrs in the day.

Maybe 2nd time around after that first year it become drudgery and mind numbing boring because I didn't have any support or help which took away that choice to go back to work, it had made me feel resentful if that right word? to those who can or have had to even. I've done few stints of work in various jobs one which really was shit job but it gave me a sense of purpose and I appreciated spending time with kids more. Things have changed with my child's health, no longer hospital and Dr appointments etc that I can look for something permanent but cirrumstances still limit to hours I can do.

It's easy to picture this ideal life of being SAHP in 1st year but long term not so. I did like @redemption @gethaircut replies think they gave more balanced view of when have choice what they would do and that going back to work doesn't make you any more or less of parent what you do.

Duno if making sense am just thinking out aloud about my own situation really