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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do everything you do and work...

465 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 10/09/2017 19:51

Aibu to think this line is ridiculous. I hear/read it a lot in regards to sahms. It just doesn't make sense to me, life isn't either you work or you don't, there are so many other factors - the amount of kids you have, how much your partner works, if you even have partner, your mental or physical health, the amount of support you receive, if you have someone to help with childcare, if you are a carer on top, if you volunteer etc etc........

OP posts:
KweenOfFarts · 13/09/2017 10:47

Lastly the thing about missing school events has been a real bug bear of mine as our school has a lot of these, things like come read with your child, come do arts and crafts. Why Ffs even as a SAHP its pissed me off as I know from own school days neither my parents could attend anything due to work and amount of siblings had. Used to make me sad and I see it all the time with my own kids school it became about the cheerleading parent scoring points.

Assburgers · 13/09/2017 11:05

I work part time, from home, choose my own hours etc so am unfortunately flexible enough to do all the parent things that are expected of some of us these days. As Kweenoffarts rightly points out, I never remember my mum coming into school to read with the kids, or doing crafts, or accompanying us on school trips. I do all this stuff. And to working mums who either feel guilty about missing it, or feel like they're missing out - don't. All school trips are fucking horrendous, you never get paired with your own kid in any case, the crafts are hellish, the reading seems largely pointless. I do it because I feel sorry for the teachers. I don't resent that I am the only one doing it.

Re the (somewhat antagonistic) title of the thread: I've never heard anyone say that. But if they did, I'd assume they were a bit thick. We're all just doing what works for us, making choices that largely depend on our financial situation. As I don't work full time, it is a fair assumption that I earn less than someone who works full time. So I save money in time consuming ways, because time is all I have. I.e. I go to the greengrocer for veg, then the butcher for meat, then the market for washing powder, the pound shop for fairy liquid etc. I don't have the luxury of ordering everything from one place and getting it delivered. Just as a parent working full time wouldn't have the luxury of shopping around. Similarly I can't afford to run the drier, so I line dry all our clothes. It is tiny stuff like this that all adds up. It's too complicated to try and compare your life to someone else's. And besides, comparison is the thief of joy Smile

Deemail · 13/09/2017 11:09

After years at home I work part time. So yes I now do everything I used to do and work. But I get paid for working, it's not like I'm doing it for free so while I'm busier I've more money to show for those efforts.

Damnthatonestaken · 13/09/2017 14:01

Eas

As far as the amount of housework done, working allows me to afford items that make it easier. So its not that i do less, its just that Im more efficient at doing it. Workers usually have to travel to work though, which takes time. Me id rather spend more time at work, less on housework. Working school hours means i see kids the same either way

Openup41 · 13/09/2017 21:55

redemption I understand your point.

I would like to work part-time in order to spend late afternoons/early evenings with my dc. Due to long commute I arrive home at 7pm (assuming trains are on time). My dc cannot attend any activities after school/go on playdates as childminder cannot drop and collect them. I can only do homework with them on weekends when I am also doing housework, bulk cooking, ironing, administration and everything else we cram in.

I take leave to attend school events and parents evening.

Openup41 · 13/09/2017 22:02

The funny thing is my working does not mean we are living it up. Once fixed outgoings are paid off we still have to carefully budget for shopping and personal spends. Childcare costs, mortgage and travel x2 eats up our salaries. Yet if I did not work we would be short by just under £1000. We give ourselves a meagre £100 each a month which has to include clothes, hair, beauty, meals, gifts, lunch with colleagues.

redemptionsongs · 13/09/2017 22:21

yes, I'm working for a net gain of about £1000 pm which isn't bad, but compared to the 50 hours a week I usually do, it's not a fabulous return - but it's also the pension, and the not losing my footing when childcare costs go down. It does feel distinctly second rate for the kids at times though, and knackering.

Don't get me started on why after school clubs can't have a set homework time. My school is trying to move homework to entirely creative 'parent-led' projects. Where the hell am I supposed to fit in more parent led projects? :)

I wish I could hire a SAHP to look after my DC after school!

I digress open

Openup41 · 13/09/2017 23:03

It seems when women leave the workforce for a number of years, they tend to return to more junior roles which accommodate school drop offs and pick ups; retail, teaching assistant etc.

If I had the opportunity to be a SAHM it would be for the long term unless our situation drastically changed. Dreaming now...............

KweenOfFarts · 13/09/2017 23:09

@assburger you made good point about saving money in time consuming ways. I forgot about that in my self pity party on being SAHP.

Glad I'm not alone in the come to school do arts and crap. I do that at home with my kid I don't need to go into school to show that it has become a one up man ship though with parents at school also I've witnesses other parents questioning children about their parents as to mine when I've not gone, DS is right little gossip tells me who asks him what, which parent looks through his reading book etc

KweenOfFarts · 13/09/2017 23:16

But what would you do @open with your days if you became SAHP? It's great at first but long term how does it stop from becoming days full of mundane chores? Obviously wouldn't if you a social butterfly with endless funds

redemptionsongs · 13/09/2017 23:27

yes, i'm a fairly terrible cook - i enjoy it, but i fear the reality of me SAH'g would be delighting my poor family with endless vegetable soups and lentil surprises and nagging people about crumbs and tidiness :)

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 13/09/2017 23:45

I'm late to this and haven't Rtft. But I have done full time SAHM, and full time working mum, and part time working mum. I'm now an almost full time WAHM - I think I've experienced a wide range of the options available. TBH, I found being a SAHM almost the worst, because that was the job I was least trained for, and the one at which I had the least support. I was very lonely. I was happy to get back to work! It's a fine balance.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/09/2017 08:01

how does it stop from becoming days full of mundane chores?

I just dont do the mundane chores

GetAHaircutCarl · 14/09/2017 08:07

The period I had as a SAHP, I did very few mundane chores.

We were abroad and on a very generous package so I had child care and home help on tap.

There were a whole raft of women in my situation so I socialised a lot, did lots to exercise, read etc

Surprisingly quickly, I became disenchanted with the set up and felt frankly ridiculous so I studied instead.

Openup41 · 14/09/2017 17:47

kweenoffarts I would do housework with ease, be involved at my dcs school and do charity work. At present I rush from one activity to the next and resent it. I rush from work to the station - at times I fix my scarf/coat whilst in the lift. Weekends are also a rush. The only time I rest is around 9.30pm onwards and when asleep.

I work hard to ensure my dc do not fall behind at school/miss out on theme days.

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