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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

240 replies

KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 22:02

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

OP posts:
Bodear · 09/09/2017 22:04

No of course ynbu. He wants commitment from you and that's all you're asking from him. If he can't or does want to give that then that is information you need to know.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/09/2017 22:04

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

Where does he want to do it?

I take it he hasn't raised the matter since you got home?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/09/2017 22:11

Yanbu, I would only move if married. You could be married in two months time in a Registry office if you both wanted. If he wants you to leave your whole life behind whilst he still refuses to commit to marriage then to me that would be a deal breaker. Why is he holding off marriage? Imagine if you moved, lived there a few years, couldn't get any meaningful work there, and then it turned out he wasn't committed and he broke up with you, you'd have to move home in a worse position than you are now.

ITCouldBeWorse · 09/09/2017 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/09/2017 22:15

In your 30s having been together for 4 years you are definitely not being unreasonable. If you're on different pages about this it's much better to find out now before you turn your whole life upside down for his benefit.

Have you discussed marriage? Do you want children? To be honest I think move or no move it might be time to start giving some thought to the relationship generally and whether it's likely to work for you long term.

Idontmeanto · 09/09/2017 22:16

I think, if you marry him under any kind of duress like this you'll always feel crappy about it. You are not unreasonable to want that commitment before making a big move, though.

Solasum · 09/09/2017 22:18

DNBU, and make sure you stick to your guns. 4 years is more than enough to make up your mind about someone.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/09/2017 22:20

YANBU.

Stellato · 09/09/2017 22:21

I think you're being very sensible and he's being oddly naive about your interest in having him as the sole centrepiece of your life. Is he normally quite arrogant / traditional about the role of women, or is this an aberration?

gamerchick · 09/09/2017 22:23

No you're being sensible definitely. As has been said above, when the conversation comes up again you can ask him why he wants more commitment from you when he's not prepared to give the same.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2017 22:24

YANBU at all. But being engaged, while lovely, doesn't mean anything in itself. You'd want to pick the date you'd get married so it's a firm commitment otherwise it's just a nice idea with an open end.

You don't want to be with or marry someone who doesn't want to marry you. But if you'd have to shut up shop and be reliant on him financially while getting started up again, you'd be mad to consider doing so without a very clear understanding of your partnership and that means marriage. It may be "just a piece of paper" to some people, but it's a vital piece of paper.

More generally, he's being a dick to try and dictate what you do and where you live, especially when the sacrifice is all on your part. And a big move like he's proposing should include many calm, rational, considered discussions. You don't want to end up somewhere with no income, no friends and reliant on him for money for the relationship to sour or and you pretty much stranded.

bluebell34567 · 09/09/2017 22:25

he is showing his true colours.

ITCouldBeWorse · 09/09/2017 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:27

I don't even think I'd move to be married if you see what I mean.

Right... if we move you have to marry me.

I think the right thing to do is to get married then if he wants to move and you're a very solid couple then whey up the pros and cons.

Or let him move for his job and maybe rethink.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:29

a 4 year non committed relationship is pretty mute.

PricklyBall · 09/09/2017 22:29

Well, a similar thing was the end of my long term relationship. After 2 years of working abroad and seeing each other approx every 3 months, ex DP sent a 2 line e-mail saying "I hope you don't mind, I've decided to take such-and-such a job (250 miles away from where I worked and lived). I'm sure we can find travel arrangements that work". It didn't end then, it limped on for another 9 months or so, but in retrospect, that was the death knell.

I was pushing 40 and felt that my current job was my last chance at a "career job" - so basically he was offering me endless limbo of screwing up my weekends long-distance commuting (at least that's the way it had gone with his previous UK based job - he rarely travelled), or a crap job where he was moving to, with sod all in the way of commitment (he said he "didn't believe in marriage" and didn't want children).

So yes, if he wants you to go through all the hassle of moving and/or long-distance, he'd better be prepared to make some sort of concrete commitment, IMO. Without that, the relationship probably won't work (not just my experience - I'm old enough and cynical enough to have watched how this pans out with a number of friends too).

TheBadTemperedLadybird · 09/09/2017 22:29

He doesn't want to marry you, he just wants to do whatever he wants and is best for him. Don't do it!

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 09/09/2017 22:31

YA Definitely Not BU

TheNaze73 · 09/09/2017 22:31

I see your lack of commitment in not moving on an equal footing to his lack of commitment in getting engaged.
At least you both know where you stand now.

Hope you find a solution that works. Good luck

mindutopia · 09/09/2017 22:34

I think if you are both committed to each other, you plan your lives so you can be together. If you wouldn't be open to moving to another place to be with him (engaged, married or not), it might be a sign you aren't committed as you think you are. I moved literally to the other side of the world to be with my now husband. Granted, when I did move, we had been engaged for 4 months and we planning a wedding, but that was more a requirement for my visa (I couldn't have easily moved otherwise) rather than an expectation on him to prove his commitment. I'd been planning the move for 2 years and actually the engagement was more a sign of our mutual commitment to spend our lives together, which we'd already made when I decided I would move. If you feel secure and settled in your relationship and you see a future together, I don't think you need a ring to make a move. But if your future doesn't involve moving away from where you live now and his does, it could be a sign you aren't looking for the same things and I think it's probably a good reason to talk through where you both see yourselves down the road, how you want to live your lives, where you want to work, settle, etc. You'll want to be on the same page before you move forward with anything (moves, engagement, etc.).

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 22:34

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Every day this place is awash with threads by women who gave up their lives and moved for their partners' benefit, then it all fell apart for whatever reason and they were left with shit all while he remains stable and secure.

Fuck that. You're in your 30s, you've been together for four years, it's not at all unreasonable to say you won't uproot your entire life for someone who's not prepared to commit to having you in his.

I wouldn't move if you're only engaged, I'd do it only if actually married. But given his snotty reaction, I'm not sure I'd continue the relationship.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:34

You are not ready for this. Nor would I be.

BrioLover · 09/09/2017 22:36

Had a similar conversation with my now DH. He said he wanted children quite soon - we'd been living together for about a year then and together for 2 years. Late 20s. I laughed and said that's lovely, and I'd like that too, but there is no way I'd have children before being married.

His reaction was to ask why, listen with widening eyes when I explained all the next of kin etc. stuff and we got married about 9 months later.

If he'd reacted in the way your partner did then I'd be thinking about why he'd expect me to make huge changes to my life and career without a similar commitment from him. An engagement doesn't really count IMO, it's just a ring and a 'promise'.

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2017 22:36

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

Battyoldbat · 09/09/2017 22:37

Yanbu at all, perfectly sensible in my view. We had a similar point in our relationship about moving/buying a house together. My now-DH has always earned much more than me and he was going to put in 4 times as much deposit into a house together as I was. But for me, that was absolutely every penny I had, he still had twice as much again in savings. So I refused to do it unless and until we were getting married, otherwise it was just all too one-sided.

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