To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

[KeepCalmAndTrotOn]

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

You need to look him in the eyes and say you want a commitment a ring and a date, as if he can't commit to you then you would rather know so you can finish the relationship and move on to something new.

KeepCalm can you invent a work trip or family illness or something so you can get away for a few days to clear your head? Even if you actually go to your work as usual, but sleep somewhere else (nice).

It can feel just so pressured being in a house with someone in a situation like this. It might help you to stay in control of your thoughts and emotions and rather than it all running away with you because he can't help but be in your face.

It will still hurt but at least you don't have to stomach him being cheery.

I'm so sorry, but I think his reaction in the restaurant says it all.

I really think you need an exit strategy asap - and before your birthday. From the sounds of it he won't do it on your birthday and you'll be heartbroken, because deep down you'll be hoping for it to happen

I was in the same position, I moved and we got married. I made a big mistake. I miss my business and friends, my husband works all the time andI don't like the quiet area or being stuck on my own in the country. You can move back easier if you are not married!

@altiara

What financial security? OP has said she's been building up a business and has nearly paid off her debts. Are you living rent free OP but contributing to household expenses? Can you afford to build up an escape fund?

I'm another one for saying out OP, but why did you just wait for him to ask? couldn't you have done? I hope this all comes out like a fairytale with him saying he just didn't want to discuss things in the restaurant and that he's just out of it with worry with redundancy looming and didn't want more stress.

Just be calm and when you judge it right given his potential loss of work, speak to him about what you want.

Good luck OP - you know him and yourself better than the rest of us.

I can imagine the scene in a few months.

He keeps his job, and everything ticks along as now. It gets to December and your birthday comes and passes with no proposal or discussion about your future. A few weeks later you tell him you want to split up because you aren't engaged, and you told him that you'd want to be by the time you are X age.

He then gets angry because you were pressuring him with an arbitrary date and he's not going to be dictated to by your timetable. And he was going to propose, but in his own time and when you weren't expecting it.

And lo, it's your fault you're not getting married because you were being a dictator.

Thing is, a guy who really loved you, at least more than he wanted to play silly power games, and really wanted to you to feel secure in your future together wouldn't keep you hanging on until the bitter end of your own "deadline", or past it just to prove a point, because he wouldn't want you to feel in limbo and insecure. Anyone who does this is not a good person, or at least not a good person for you to be in a relationship with.

I think the danger is that he does propose on her birthday but is only doing so as he is realising the OP isn't happy and wants to convince her to move. She moves and he never settles on a date and the actual marriage never occurs.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to move out before your birthday. Otherwise you will always remember it as the year he didn't propose.

Agree with @cheminotte. Don't wreck your birthday over this. Just go.

If you can't talk this through I suspect it's because you know what the outcome will be...& that's hard when you love him and for the most part, your life together.

But here, you have no security d he is not treating you like a partner in the relationship-if he did then he would be talking to you about what happens after redundancy and where he's thinking of looking for jobs and asking your opinion of this. He wouldn't be saying I'm applying for this job here so we are moving-this is not a partnership. I too, don't think he wants to marry you and whilst he likes having you around now, he doesn't see that long term and the reason he gets angry and won't discuss it is because he likes things as they are for now and doesn't want to change things...yet. He wants it all on his terms. You need to decide yours.

So you know what eachother want and you have recently changed your mind on wanting children, but he is the only one who is being had a go at? You are both simply at different points in your life. I don't think I will ever get married and I love my partner very much, I just don't see much point in being married and honestly I just can't be arsed organising a wedding and paying out for it. Am I a bad person becauseof this? If not then neither is the ops partner.

Op you want to get married and you clearly don't want to move and that is that. You are entitled to feel like that and honestly I wouldn't want to move either if it involved starting from scratch. You don't have to move or even want to. The fact is he could be made redundant and is looking for another job that involves moving, e is not in the wrong for that. Clearly it isn't going to work but he is happy with how things are so it is up to you to end things. Don't et bitchy or snarky just simply say you both want different things and you want to move on alone and achieve what you want. Giving someone an ultimatum to marry you or lose you is ridiculous. You want marriage he isn't bothered about it so you leave him and move out and move on. Simple really.

The doing it will obviously be hard, but making the choice is simple enough.

The first time he applied for a job he couldn't commute to, what did he say to you. Try to remember the words he used.

I would never ever move abroad with a partner I wasn't married to. I did this when I was in late 20's with a man I'd been with for 6 years at that point. As a girlfriend rather than wife I had absolutely no rights as I wasn't considered a close enough family member to be entitled to a spousal visa, and as a result had no control over the situation, which became very difficult when things broke down. I had no legal right to stay and without his funding I had no money and no legal way to earn any for myself. I'd given up my job and left my family thousands of miles away, and so I was left in a very vulnerable position. Had we been married, I would have had significantly more rights in terms of staying, working, etc, and would have had access to things like joint savings in order to get back on my feet again once I arrived home.

YANBU, think very carefully about moving abroad with someone who is not prepared to show you this level of commitment.

Hi OP. Wondering how you are.

The more I think about it the more convinced I am that you shouldn't accept a proposal even if you get one. Why would you want to commit to someone who stonewalls you; who you need to write to to get your message across?

I'm wondering if you are paying half or part of his mortgage OP. Hope you get out and your future works out for you. I was with a man for 7 years and left when I was 29 because I wanted kids. He hummed and hawed and even blamed my mental health as one of the reasons he didn't want to - when my MH was largely down to my unhappiness in the relationship. Funnily enough I've never suffered depression since splitting up with him.