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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

240 replies

KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 22:02

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 09/09/2017 22:58

but making an ultimatum about getting married is a terrible, horrible idea

She hasn't made an ultimatum

She said she's not moving unless they get married -

He can still move, but she's not going to!! She's allowed to say that.

Summerswallow · 09/09/2017 22:58

Even if you were married though, wouldn't you want your husband to see your business as important, your career as equal priority and not to apply for jobs unilaterally and just announce what country you were moving to? Totally bizarre that that would all just be given up for what, a ring?!

Autumnskiesarelovely · 09/09/2017 23:02

I'd be thinking of who I'd want a family. Are kids what you want? Then is he the one, and would you want to be so far from support when you have them?

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:03

Ultimatums never work.

MysteryMacavity · 09/09/2017 23:04

YABU. Married is just the start of it.

You then need joint finances (as in what's his is yours in terms of income post move, at least until your business is running to the level it was where you are now).

Joint money would be needed to invest in building up your company to the level it is now (as the reason it's needing to be built up again is due to the joint move to support his career).

During this building up period, joint money needs to be paid into any pension or saving schemes you have in your name at the moment. Again, because the reason for the move is to build his career.

You need to a) have as much relationship security as possible and b) look at this as you both being equal in your careers: one should not suffer unduly from the other's progression.

If he's willing to do all this, get it in writing today, marry him tomorrow and move the next day.

If not then DO NOT MOVE WITH HIM.

I have moved abroad for my husband's career. We're now getting divorced and I can't support myself, but we're abroad with kids and I can't move back to the UK without his permission because of the kids - and with Brexit may not be able to stay here (Europe) either.

Moving offers great opportunities, but the loss of home and income and friends and routine and familiarity is a massive undertaking for someone who wouldn't even marry you.

Original poster
KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 23:04

Okay,

So, we have talked about marriage before, numerous times. It has moved from 'I don't see the point in marriage, especially if there are no children involved or any planned' (I wasn't 100% sure whether I wanted children) fair enough. However, in recent years I've come round to the idea of children. His response then 'Well, you're just getting your business off the ground/ still paying off the debt from starting it, so no way would I think about marriage until that's all sorted and things have calmed down.' This was the last conversation we had on the subject, about 20 months ago.

Since then, my business has boomed and, of the £8k debt I had, I only have £1,800 left to pay off.

Now HE's the one whose job is insecure, we may need to move for another job for him, I mention I'm not sure I want to give everything up for someone if we're not married and he tells me that I'm getting irate, he's not talking about it now and that's that. The conversation comes to an end.

Oh and he is a high earner, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
MysteryMacavity · 09/09/2017 23:05
  • divorcing.
Escapepeas · 09/09/2017 23:05

I would be extremely wary about issuing ultimatums which force someone into marriage. No-one should feel that they have to get married to stay together. It's not healthy and has the potential to breed resentment in the future.

If you want to go abroad with him, make sure you have a safety net, a job and you can be there aside from your relationship and you are not dependent on him for a social life or money. You don't have to be married, just not dependent.

xsarahkay1x · 09/09/2017 23:06

If I was facing redundancy which is a time of uncertainty and worry and I was talking to my partner of 4 years of possibilities about opportunities for me in different locations and their opinion and they demanded me ultimatums or talks of weddings (££££) I would be pretty pissed off.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 23:09

Keep

Many years ago I did a similar thing. I told my then DP that unless we got married I was done with the relationship. I told him he had until Christmas to make his mind up. He proposed, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. I knew he loved me, but I also knew he didn't want to get married, but he didn't want to lose me either, so he chose to propose. It wasn't exciting, it was bloody horrible. I had thought he just needed a bit of a shove in the right direction & I wanted us to be 'moving forward'. (As I say, I was young!).

You're about 10 years older than I was & I didn't have MN!

What's the point in making him marry you, if his heart isn't in it? He can just as easily walk away, married or not. You'll both be miserable in a marriage that's come about this way.

Being married won't change your family & friends being miles away, being married won't change having to rebuild your business, being married won't stop you being unhappy if you don't want to move. If you don't want to move, don't. Then he can choose to stay & find a job where you live now, or chase jobs further away.

Smitff · 09/09/2017 23:10

When exactly the same situation arose for me 8 years ago, I said exactly the same thing as you. Almost word for word. DH said "makes sense, sure. Erm, sorry it's not very romantic".

He has always had my best interests at heart, first jointly with his and now that I am a bit unwell and struggling with young kids, ahead of his own. And even with this kind of a DP I struggle with having left my home country, career, family and friends behind to move to his turf. We wouldn't have lasted more than a year or two had he been more self-centered/self-absorbed/selfish.

NotTheCoolMum · 09/09/2017 23:11

Have you thought about your long term future at all OP? Do you see yourself making a life with this man?

If not run away very fast and next time don't leave it 4 years. 18 months is a good length of time to decide if someone's marriage material or not. Any more than that and it's just wasting time really. Sorry OP.

SendintheArdwolves · 09/09/2017 23:13

This isn't sounding great, OP.

*Your DP keeps coming up with excuses not to marry you (You need to pay off your debt, it's pointless unless there's kids, etc)
*He assumes that you will be happy to trail after him wherever he gets a job.
*He seems to have very little respect for your business (you said that moving will be basically the same as starting again, so I assume it is reasonably dependent on word of mouth/local contacts and reputation)
*He sulks, strops and refuses to talk about important issues if it's not going to go this way.

I'm not getting the feeling that this one is a keeper. Chuck him back and keep fishing, OP.

Summerswallow · 09/09/2017 23:14

I think it's odd after four years together, her early thirties, not to be talking about a shared future, and what that would look like and what would be best for everyone.

If he announces he's off to such and such country, I wouldn't go in a million years to be dependent on someone else or to give up a career at that time point in life, especially someone who last spoke about marriage 20 months ago in his early thirties! In fact, I wouldn't advocate financial dependence at all, or leaving 'everything', the friends I know who have done this have big messes to deal with in their forties. Find someone who will help you reach your life's goals as well as their own- and is talking about how you reach them together.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 23:14

Ok. I've just read your last post.

Why in gods name do you want to marry this selfish bell end?

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2017 23:16

I wouldn't move if I were you, whether he agrees to an engagement/marriage or not.

The last thing you want him doing is agreeing to something so important, just to get his way.

There's not much future in an engagement or marriage, unless both people truly want it I'm afraid.

Didiusfalco · 09/09/2017 23:17

I think you should let this play out for a short while (unless you decide just to ditch him). He knows how you feel - is he going to act on it? If he moves away let him go - does he then make an effort to keep the relationship going? Does it make him appreciate you more? Or does it drift? How he responds should tell you everything you need to know.

cafetea · 09/09/2017 23:18

You've asked him to marry you and he's stalling - time to say that you will be staying.

Slimthistime · 09/09/2017 23:18

Uprooting your life for a partner is rarely ly a good idea
He sounds rubbish anyway

pennysnow · 09/09/2017 23:19

I wouldn't really want to be in any relationship where I have to issue ultimatums to my partner to marry me! Confused

Sorry OP, but I see a million red flags here!

You sure you want to be with a man who has to be emotionally blackmailed into marrying you?

Gemini69 · 09/09/2017 23:19

Sounds very unbalanced OP... I'm sorry your finding this out this far down the line.. maybe it's a sign.. you can find someone worthy and who wants the same things you do Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2017 23:20

Seems to me he has an endless supply of excuses not to marry you always at the ready.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2017 23:20

Seems to me he has an endless supply of excuses not to marry you always at the ready.

Ellie56 · 09/09/2017 23:21

I think you've reached the end of the road with this one. He clearly doesn't want what you want.

Don't give everything up and move. You could come to regret it.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2017 23:25

So, we have talked about marriage before, numerous times. It has moved from 'I don't see the point in marriage, especially if there are no children involved or any planned' (I wasn't 100% sure whether I wanted children) fair enough. However, in recent years I've come round to the idea of children. His response then 'Well, you're just getting your business off the ground/ still paying off the debt from starting it, so no way would I think about marriage until that's all sorted and things have calmed down.' This was the last conversation we had on the subject, about 20 months ago.

This has 'string you along as long as you like, I'm not going to marry you and I won't have children with you.' There will always be some excuse as to why he won't marry you or have children with you.

He's just not that into you and may not ever be that into anyone enough to marry her or have children. Or he won't be 'ready' until it's too late for you to have children. Believe me, it goes by fast! I had my first at 32 and now I'm 46 in the blink of an eye, the chances of my becoming pregnant are astronomically small (thankfully, I don't want to and my h had a vasectomy after our 3rd was born 8 years ago). You don't have time to fool around.

You're not on the same page. That's the crux of the problem.

It's never this hard when you're both on same page.

Stop selling yourself short trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

You have a thriving business, friends and family, don't give it all up for someone who doesn't really have any concerns for your security, well-being, future, etc.

You deserve so much more. I'm so glad I didn't waste more and more time with my ex h who hemmed and hawed about having kids for years until I called time on it. If I hadn't, it's likely I'd have wound up unhappily childfree. No one is worth sacrificing your fundamental desires for.