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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

240 replies

KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 22:02

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

OP posts:

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 10/09/2017 18:27

Yanbu

I gave my boyfriend back his engagement ring because he was struggling to commit to a date

I certainly wouldn't have moved away with him without a level of commitment i was happy with....ideally both happy

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 10/09/2017 18:27

DP and I (and now our kids) have moved all around the world, for either his or my jobs. But each time it was a discussion, what did the other think of the job, what did they think of the country, was it feasible, would the other be able to find a job etc. We did it as a team, with it being my job sparking a move just as often as it being his.

In your situation OP I really think you need to bite the bullet and make a the hard decision. None of the discussion about this has happened - he's just thinking he'll move and you'll sort yourself out. That's what worries me the most for you.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 18:28

For now be more honest. Say calmly I'm sorry I appear off but the truth is I am off. I'm very uncertain about our future together right now and am thinking very hard, so I can't act lovey dovey and normal.
And leave the room. This is not a discussion opener, talk when you are ready. This is a woman maturely explaining she can't fake happy while she has big questions about your future together.

Pallisers · 10/09/2017 18:28

To be quite honest, I wouldn't move with him if I were you even if you were married (don't go down the "engaged" route - it means precisely nothing).

Your life, family, friends, and business are where you are - giving that up will be immense and will utterly change the dynamic of your life. I would simply say "no I will not be moving, how do we work around that".

I say this as someone who moved for my husband - when I was a lot younger than you. I don't regret it but it was incredibly hard and I certainly wouldn't do it in your circumstances.

SonicBoomBoom · 10/09/2017 18:44

Did he own the house before you met, OP?

expatinscotland · 10/09/2017 18:47

'Say calmly I'm sorry I appear off but the truth is I am off. I'm very uncertain about our future together right now and am thinking very hard, so I can't act lovey dovey and normal. '

She has nothing to apologise for. He knows what she wants. He's not on the same page. That's actually fine. It's fine to not want marriage or kids or even to change your mind about wanting them. What's not fine is one party shutting down discussion of such topics by gaslighting the other party or refusing to discuss them and then pretending it's all okay. That doesn't make for a healthy relationship at all. He knows damn well how she feels, he just doesn't care enough to discuss it rationally, it's easier on him to just drift along.

ChocolateWombat · 10/09/2017 18:53

Have you asked him if he's prepared to stay here if you'd rather not move?
Have you asked him whether his first thought about the job abroad was whether he wanted to go or about the pair of you going?

I'm sure this job thing is making him assess the future too. That's good and sometimes it takes a little time. Can you say to him that you can see the job offer is making both of you assess where you want to live and the future and that you should both consider for a couple of weeks and then try to have an honest talk because clearly some choices at least about where you each live are going to have to be made. This is a cross roads for you two and he must know this and be prepared to discuss it too.....but it is right to give him time to think.....but at the same time make him aware that answers have to be found. Having a timescale for this is helpful....and of course, the job starting will have a timescale, so this pushes conversations which could have been delayed for years to the forefront - probably a good thing, by the Sou d of it,

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/09/2017 19:12

I wouldn't write him a letter. I would put more back onto his shoulders. He needs to demonstrate that he's thinking differently without being managed by you.

'Say calmly I'm sorry I appear off but the truth is I am off. I'm very uncertain about our future together right now and am thinking very hard, so I can't act lovey dovey and normal. I don't know what you expect out of the next couple of years. Work it out and let me know.

You know how you are the boss? Does that mean you have to organise everything because he doesn't bother? Evenings out, meal planning, mum's birthday, insurance, needing new pants, holiday locations, vet, dog walking?

I run my own business. I can't imagine leaving one just after getting it off the ground. It would be like the death of a pet.

mathanxiety · 10/09/2017 19:45

If you believe that he cannot fathom what you are feeling, and has no idea what you are thinking, or why, and are so frustrated with the communication impasse that you are considering writing a letter to him, then you absolutely must not consider marriage.

He is stonewalling you, and you should have nothing to do with a man like this. Nobody is so emotionally illiterate that they cannot understand very clear words that someone else is saying and has said for a long time. He knows exactly what you want and he knows why you want it. He just isn't prepared to give you any of it. He has things the way he wants them. The talk of moving far away with you, presumably with you in the same precarious legal and financial position he has you in now, is him taking the piss just because he can.

You should be packing your bags. The details can all be sorted (dogs, how much work you have to do, etc).

Make moving out a priority. Cut your losses. Don't wait for a milestone (birthday, Christmas, etc). Start today to look for somewhere to rent and move when you find a decent place.

No letters. You are wasting your time trying to explain yourself to him.

expatinscotland · 10/09/2017 20:05

I'm with math here, probably because I've seen this in real life about a hundred times before.

Nessalina · 10/09/2017 20:09

Oh OP I'm heartbroken for you that you've come to this point, but in many ways it's a good thing that this redundancy issue has forced the issue and made you confront it head on. It sounds like you're smart, independent, and have made a great business for yourself in a town you love. You and your pups will be fine going solo, and you still have time to find a real partner in life who shares your dreams and supports your goals, rather than your current man who essentially is no more than accepting you as a ride-along in his life.
I have a very good friend who is 35 and 6 months single after a 12yr relationship that ended up going nowhere due to his lack of commitment. I think she's got out in time to still get the family she wants and deserves, and it sounds like you will too.

PoorYorick · 10/09/2017 20:15

Don't write him a letter. Not only is it a terrible way to resolve arguments and bad feelings, if you can't have a plain discussion with him about where your relationship is going, then that's a sign it's going nowhere fast. What kind of a marriage would that be?

I'm sure he's not a bad person, but he's not prepared to commit to you and give you the security you'd need for a move like this, especially as it's his house.

I think you know what you need to do and it's not writing a letter.

Gemini69 · 10/09/2017 20:17

I agree with everyone saying.. Do not write this letter...

please don't OP

BananaShit · 10/09/2017 20:44

If you do move, I wouldn't do it but if you do, you'd be an idiot to do it without some share in the new property. Not equal necessarily, but something.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2017 20:51

"He knows damn well how she feels, he just doesn't care enough to discuss it rationally, it's easier on him to just drift along"

Yep Because it makes it more likely he gets a sex life while he dithers.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2017 20:54

I didnt know that about Guy Pearce expat.

RoboticSealpup · 10/09/2017 20:55

I've had one of those relationships where I had to write letters instead of having an honest discussion because he would just stonewall me. I understand why you want to do it - you want to eliminate the possibility that you haven't been clear enough or that he somehow hasn't understood you. I remember the feeling. In my case, I think the letters I wrote enabled my ex to continue being passive. Sometimes he just read it and said nothing, or made a comment so vague that he may as well not have bothered opening his mouth. Consider this a possibility.

On the other hand, I really do understand your need for certainty. It took me a year to leave that relationship, in which he wouldn't commit to anything "future", but at the same time didn't want me to make any plans for my own future that excluded him...

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 21:04

expat i agreee he's not on the same page and the op needs to get rid , but he will happily brush it under the carpet and carry on (until he finds his the-one-worth-committing-to), the op can't do this but it is instinct in a relationship to smile and carry on, so it's a manageable way of stating that things aren't ok without getting into a shouting match that most people find they actually can say I think .

PricklyBall · 10/09/2017 21:28

Expat - so true. The ex I mentioned upthread, the one who didn't believe in marriage and didn't want children, is now married with a child. (Fortunately I bailed out and used donor sperm, but I was really, really lucky to get pregnant so late in life.)

MoreProseccoNow · 10/09/2017 21:37

I've seen it often as well; men just "passing time" with women squandering their fertility until the issue is forced by the woman, or they meet someone else.

Either way, the woman is left too late to have children while the man marries & has a child fairly quickly.

Emeralda · 10/09/2017 21:39

OP, you sound great. He does not. You deserve better than him.

What do your friends and family think of him?

Did he own his house when you met? What discussions did you have about your contribution to it when you moved in?

I agree about not writing a letter. He should be sitting down and saying, "help me understand how you feel about this and how we can move forward together". You'll be writing letters to him for the rest of your life if you start now.

If writing clears your head, write letters to yourself. Current or future, married, single or divorced. Explain your feelings and thought processes to yourself, if that would help you.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 22:36

I don't know why you would even consider jacking in your business, that you have worked so hard for.
He has taken a lot for granted - that you will give up your whole life. For all that he has given the impression of being a loving partner, when it comes down to it, he has protected his interests all along. He didn't want to marry you because you had debt from setting up your business? A man who really loved you would not have been put off marrying you because of this. The house is his. Did he even ask you before applying for jobs 100 miles away? Or did he just assume that your life was less important and you would follow him?

He isn't sounding great to me. I think that after 4 years he knows his own mind and he doesn't want to marry you.

paxillin · 10/09/2017 22:49

I agree with expat, I have seen this behaviour, too. It is as if there is a perverse satisfaction in wasting all of one woman's fertile years, only to leave her at the end of them. And then quickly marry and have children with a younger woman.

altiara · 10/09/2017 23:36

Do you think he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want you to have a financial claim on his house? So he sees you as a "girlfriend" but not an actual partner?
If you both moved, would he sell his house and you both would buy a house or he'd let his out and you'd rent together? It would be very telling if he has mentioned what his ideas were.
I think you need to start putting your financial security first and then see what happens

singadream · 10/09/2017 23:45

Yanbu

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