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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

240 replies

KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 22:02

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 09/09/2017 22:37

what difference does being married make to moving. You would still leave your family, friends and business behind.

LilQueenie · 09/09/2017 22:38

Or does he realise all this and trying to edge towards a breakup. Sorry to mention this but it crossed my mind.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:39

Let him make his own way, you may join him later or you may not.

kjarvo · 09/09/2017 22:40

You're not being unreasonable.

He wants you to commit to him, but he doesn't want to commit to you. Not fair.

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 22:41

If they're married, he's made as much of a firm commitment as anyone can make that he's in it for the long haul and the payoff of her uprooting herself will be a life together (and presumably a family, if that's what they want). He's also making a financial commitment in case she can't build up the same business in the new place and again, if they should have children.

He's asking her to uproot her life, she's saying, "Only if you commit to being in it."

GreenTulips · 09/09/2017 22:41

if you marry him under any kind of duress like this you'll always feel crappy about it

What duress? OP said how she felt, that's not duress!

So many females just sit waiting patiently for him to ask/suggest marriage, why should t they say what they want instead?

PoorYorick · 09/09/2017 22:42

Duress?

Flaming Nora.

ITCouldBeWorse · 09/09/2017 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 09/09/2017 22:44

I don't think being engaged is enough tbh. It is pretty meaningless unless a wedding date is set and plans are afoot.

innagazing · 09/09/2017 22:46

Given you've been together four years, that's plenty of time for him to know whether he wants to marry you (and you him of course) and also to plan if you have kids and when.
I think he's telling you that he doesn't want to make the commitment, by not talking about it in the restaurant, as he doesn't want a public disagreement.
Perhaps it's time to re evaluate the relationship?

KanielOutis · 09/09/2017 22:48

If he wants to marry you he will. I've been with DH for nearly 4 years. We've been married almost 2 of them. It doesn't take long to work out what you want, and plan a wedding.

Doramaybe · 09/09/2017 22:48

There is no way that a ring on your finger will change anything here tbh.

He will do it anyway if it is good for him and lucrative.

Sorry. But I think you know that anyway.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:49

what would you gain from it? its not an equal decision. You on the one had should never "make' someone commit more than they want to and your partner should never expect you to up and leave your life for him.

it's a move on situation.

Hassled · 09/09/2017 22:49

I don't really understand what it is you think marriage will give you in these circumstances. Yes, you'll have the financial security etc but if it goes tits up then it goes tits up - marriage won't make that more or less likely. Moving to a new city away from your support network puts a hell of a strain on any relationship, married or not - I sort of think if you thought it was likely to survive the strain you wouldn't be so bothered about the marriage thing.

OrdinaryGirl · 09/09/2017 22:50

YANBU. Every female friend I've had that has moved to be with her chap without being engaged or married, it's gone spectacularly wrong, with huge consequences for my friend and little to no disruption for the chap post-break-up.
In your position I'd be looking to cool things off a little - i.e. Spending more time with girlfriends and family without him - and definitely not be making any decisions.
You sound smart, OP, trust your instincts.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2017 22:50

I totally understand how you feel, but making an ultimatum about getting married is a terrible, horrible idea. Do you really want to marry someone who is only doing so because you put a proverbial gun to their head?

Leavingonajet · 09/09/2017 22:50

Your approach seems very practical and sensible. You also haven't mentioned if you might be thinking about DC but if you are these conversations are even more sensible. I agree that engagement alone is pretty useless though. There is no reason why you have to just passively accept what your DP thinks is right you need to decide it together.

SonicBoomBoom · 09/09/2017 22:52

YANBU at all.

Definitely don't uproot your whole life for someone who isn't committed to you.

Engaged isn't committed.

ChasedByBees · 09/09/2017 22:53

YANBU but saying I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term' was phrased quite confrontationally rather than collaboratively.

He is most likely to get defensive as a lead on from that as the question assumes he won't commit to you (maybe as a back story you know that to be the case).

It would have been better to say, "I would have to give up / change x, y and z. I'd like us to have a stronger commitment in our relationship first before doing that, for example, being married as I'd be giving up a lot."

MilkshakeAddict · 09/09/2017 22:53

Honestly, I would be telling him to apply for whatever jobs he wanted but that you won't be moving with him. You clearly want marriage and he sounds like he doesn't want the commitment, so I think that is a big hurdle you won't overcome and shouldn't be wasting anymore time on.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2017 22:53

Married, not engaged. Engaged means nothing.

In essence, this move means that you will be financially dependent on him for some time, if not permanently. There are so many 'variables' in moving to a different area even in the same country (job market, business viability, your job qualifications within the local market), let alone to a foreign country with the same plus visa issues (work vs non-work visa vs spousal visas). You'd be giving up everything and have no security if you went unmarried. Naturally, if this is a country where you'd easily find a well paying job and you have your own visa (rather than a spouse visa) then maybe I'd think about it from my own perspective. Would I enjoy living in that country on my own? What would my career prospects be if I decided to come home?

But after reading a bit on another MN thread, vis a vis marriage I'd also want to see if there were any restrictions put on the freedoms of wives and how they would fare in the legal system in the event of divorce, especially if there are children involved.

He really doesn't seem to either understand or care what he's asking you to give up, whether married or no. This would give me pause.

Summerswallow · 09/09/2017 22:54

I'm mystified as to why he's not remotely interested in supporting your career/business and future going forward anyway. Why on earth would you just want to trail around after him, making yourself financially dependent, giving up your business- even if you were married? Wouldn't you want to discuss that, plan for that, perhaps not move for a few years, then think about where might need both your needs?

Marriage in exchange for following round after this guy giving up your family and friends and business doesn't seem like a good deal to me anyway, not for an independent career-minded woman anyway, that's without his lack of commitment.

Anecdoche · 09/09/2017 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonicBoomBoom · 09/09/2017 22:54

Every female friend I've had that has moved to be with her chap without being engaged or married, it's gone spectacularly wrong, with huge consequences for my friend and little to no disruption for the chap post-break-up.

Same here. I can think of 5 friends it's happened to.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:57

Id give this one up.

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