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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

240 replies

KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 22:02

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2017 23:27

So, he doesn't want children 'now', you're getting the 'itch' and he 'pooh poohs' it telling you it's not the 'right time' (when is it ever!). You've been together 4 years, you want marriage at some point, he point blank refused to discuss it almost two years ago and it's been, I daresay, a forbidden subject. You bring it up, he gets defensive.

It sounds to me as if your paths are diverging, and have been for a while. He wants things to stay as they are (plus the move), you want more security, children, and to stay where you are. I think you may want to look at the future of this relationship in its totality, not just in the light of leaving the country.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:31

He is not the one for you and Im so glad you wanted clarification of this and you have it now. None the less, its pretty painful to be in something for a long time and know that it just won't work.

You're very brave and very real. I applaud you!

Larrythecat · 09/09/2017 23:32

YANBU, you would have to give up a lot.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2017 23:32

'Now HE's the one whose job is insecure, we may need to move for another job for him, I mention I'm not sure I want to give everything up for someone if we're not married and he tells me that I'm getting irate, he's not talking about it now and that's that. The conversation comes to an end.

Oh and he is a high earner, if that makes any difference.'

It makes no difference at all. He doesn't want to marry you or have kids with you. On top of that, he's happy to let you compromise your whole life for him. You can only do that if you allow it. So don't.

There's no 'we' here, there's just him looking out for no. 1. 'We' don't need to move anywhere, he might for his own job.

He won't discuss it. You have your answer. Nice touch with his gaslighting you, too, telling you that you are 'irate' for wanting to have a mature conversation about your future.

Start having discussions with yourself about how you will move on with your life from this man and achieve what you want.

Inertia · 09/09/2017 23:40

An engagement offers no guarantee of financial commitment or security for you He is not willing to make any commitment to you, but expects you to give up your whole life to follow him. The fact that he's then got stroppy about it is an equally worrying sign.

dontbesillyhenry · 09/09/2017 23:40

What expat said. 100%

Original poster
KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 23:41

I really don't know what to do tbh. Sat here crying, pathetic.

I love him, I love our life. But deep down perhaps I know how this is all going to play out. It's funny, if you knew us you'd probably never imagine I'd be writing this. To the outside, he seems absolutely besotted with me, friends always wind him up that he is 'punching' I'm pretty much 'the boss' in our relationship (except on this subject) we have a lovely life and he genuinely would do DOES do anything for me. He chased and chased at the beginning of our relationship and even now, throughout our whole relationship I've always got the vibe that he he's slightly more 'into me' than I am him etc (I don't mean this in a really dark, serious way by the way, mainly joking around really but I guess from an outsiders perspective if would look like that)

People are right, the thought of having to cajole and drag someone down the aisle is just cringe and I wouldn't be happy with doing it under those circumstances.

I think I'm going to leave it now, he's not stupid, we've talked about this dozens of times, the last time we spoke he said 'give me a timeline then of what you'd like to happen and when' and I said I'd want to be engaged at least, but preferably married by the age I'll be turning in December. He KNOWS what I want, even without the moving scenario.

I'm going to leave it, start building up a leaving fund and see how things pan out. But I won't be moving unless we're married and if he really loves me he won't want a life without me.

It's not even certain that he'll be made redundant yet, we just don't know. But even if he's not, I'm gone by early next year if things haven't changed.

OP posts:
Autumnskiesarelovely · 09/09/2017 23:45

However, in recent years I've come round to the idea of children. OP I think is the most important thing you've said.

I have three bright, talented handsome cousins were non committal to their girlfriends all through their 30s. Each of then broke up with them when they were around 40. Their girlfriends were equally lovely but now slim chance of children, I still know them and they are pretty upset and regret hanging on.

The male cousins, however, have all met younger women and had kids.

Let that be a lesson to us!

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:51

If he''s punching above himself why won't he commit? very weird. why are you crying? are these things he's "told you" are these things he's doing in public? I'd dump him if you have to cry. Trepidation and being nervous about an adventure are normal emotions. It doesn't make sense. If it doesn't make sense then it shouldn't be.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2017 23:54

LISTEN to Autumn, please! I have a daughter, she's young now but I'm already hammering it home to her to be true to herself and what she wants and not compromise that for someone.

'I'm going to leave it, start building up a leaving fund and see how things pan out. But I won't be moving unless we're married and if he really loves me he won't want a life without me.'

Do you want children? Because this guy will have to be dragged to that, too, if it all. Is that really what you want out of life? A guy who had to be cajoled into marrying you and having a family? Believe me, it can be a hard go, when the kids are young, but I can only imagine how much harder that would be with someone who isn't 100% on board and who is inherently selfish and doesn't see us as a complete partnership.

You've left it for years now. You left it for 18, what 20 months already.

People can only string you along if you let them is the bottom line.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:54

You've talked about this numerous times and it goes nowhere? The definition of madness is to keep repeating a scenario and expecting something different.

OP, you've spent 4 years of your life with a funny non commitment person where you're concerned.

You want different. Go find it, its not him.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 23:56

I'm sorry you're hurting 💐

I think you do know where this is headed.

Maybe he will propose by your birthday, but if he does, he's still doing so because of an ultimatum. He knows that, you know that. Trust me, you won't feel happy. I thought I'd feel happy & it would prove he just needed a little nudge...but it didn't. It was horrible. All it means is that he feels the risk of losing you is slightly worse than proposing.

He didn't want to marry you when you had 8k start up debt? What's that all about? It's not like it's gambling debt.

He's a high earner. How does he view money? What will happen if you can't pay half the bills? What would happen if you had a baby?

He's moody. He won't talk about stuff.

I think you're worth more than this.

SerfTerf · 09/09/2017 23:58

ItCouldBeWorse is right about an engagement being a gift of jewellery and no solid commitment at all.

oldlaundbooth · 10/09/2017 00:00

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on keepcalmandtroton

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 00:01

I think your read is correct and your plan is very sensible. I'm sorry it hurts.

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 00:02

I take it you know what to do OP. The fact that you came on here to voice your concerns was enough. Let it go, he's not the one for you.

Jux · 10/09/2017 00:04

Well, considering you would be leaving all your security behind and making yourself utterly dependent upon him - especially if you do have children in the future - then it's only sensible to be married.

OTOH, he could move and you stay put where your business and network and family is. Is there any reason why you can't spend the next year or so in a long-distance relationship? Plenty of people manage it.

Jaxhog · 10/09/2017 00:12

An engagement means nothing. It would have to be married or nothing. But do you actually want to be married to him? It sounds like you know that you really don't.

slothface · 10/09/2017 00:19

I don't think he's unreasonable to not want to take on your debt by getting married (unless you'd have a prenup to make sure this stayed separate). He isn't unreasonable to not be bothered about marriage or kids or not know if he wants that, I don't agree with the mentality on here that if a guy doesn't want that he must just not be into you, some people just don't want those things.

Equally, you are not unreasonable for wanting them and wanting to have a frank discussion with him about whether he does too. He needs to be honest with you about how he sees your future panning out rather than fobbing you off when you try and discuss it with him. That isn't fair of him.

He's asking a lot for you to uproot your life and move for him and he needs to be willing to discuss how that would work practically and financially, especially if you'd have to give up your business. But like others have said, leaving your career and social life behind would be just as difficult whether married or not, and marriage wouldn't protect you against the potential misery of being alone in a new place with no friends and no job. It sounds like you're willing to openly discuss all these possibilities but he isn't, which isn't a good sign.

TheStoic · 10/09/2017 00:21

Good for you. You don't need numerous conversations about it. You've said how you feel, now you just need to stick to that.

Lanaorana2 · 10/09/2017 00:26

Oh OP, this is so unfair and difficult for you and you're being so brave and decent. Massive sympathies.

I'm completely with you - exit Spring 18 if no devpts, I would. And I'm utterly agreeing with your point - why on earth anyone would want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry them has always escaped me.

I couldn't respect anyone who got dragged kicking and screaming up the aisle either.

SabineUndine · 10/09/2017 00:27

He seems to think you're a chattel, instead of a professional with your own business. It also looks as though he thinks you're expendable.

Lanaorana2 · 10/09/2017 00:27

Oh, and those marriages always fail - usually after 10-15 years and 2 kids, leaving everyone in the shit.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2017 02:31

You can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean they are 'right' for you, nor that you are right for them. People change. People discover that things that didn't matter before suddenly matter a great deal. The feelings of love don't die simply because you begin to value or want things that your partner doesn't. You have a right to want those things. But he also has the right to NOT want them.

And if those new-found desires are for marriage and children, those are things that really cannot be compromised on because they are permanent, life changing things (especially children). Neither of you is right or wrong in what you want or how you feel. What is wrong is lying about them, or 'refusing to discuss' them which really amounts to the same thing.

You say you'll 'leave things lie' until December. I think you need to think very carefully between now and then about what you want for yourself. And if you discover that you want marriage and you want children, then you'll need to make a decision as to whether or not to continue the relationship. Because it seems to me that he does NOT want those things, but that he WILL continue to string you along with excuses and delays. And you will find yourself 'delayed' right past your childbearing years.

Never, ever give up the dream of having a child for the sake of keeping a man. Never.

mytilini · 10/09/2017 04:41

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