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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP I won't move for his job unless we're engaged/ married?

240 replies

KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 09/09/2017 22:02

We're both early 30's, been together 4 years, he may be facing redundancy early next year and has been looking around for other, similar roles.

In the last 2 weeks he's notified me of two roles that he's interested in, one the other side of the country and one in a different country. Both times he's started talking about what we'd do if/ when we moved if he got the roles etc.

In all honesty, both times I haven't exactly been thrilled or keen on the idea of moving to either place, especially as all of my family, friends and business are where we are currently.

He saw another role today and tonight over dinner said 'Would you be up for moving to XXX place?' I piped up and said 'Not really, not unless we were married, or at the v least engaged. I'd have to give up my business (we'll move it, which is essentially the same thing in my line of work) my friends, my family etc. I don't know if I'd want to do that for someone who won't commit to me long term'

He got arsey and the conversation ended (we were out in a restaurant and he said he 'didn't want to do this here' )

WIBU? AIBU?!

OP posts:
Bachingupthewrongtree · 10/09/2017 05:46

It sounds as though this relationship has run its course and his job move is the catalyst for you both to move on.

mathanxiety · 10/09/2017 06:09

I know someone who moved without the commitment, and got dumped when she was literally on the other side of the world. Luckily there were no children involved. But she had to start again - move back, get a job, field all the questions from friends and former colleagues, and deal with the fact that her childbearing years were behind her.

Don't move. He wants more from you than he is prepared to give.

I think any further efforts to put life into this relationship will just exhaust you emotionally. And don't be fobbed off by an engagement.

I would not leave it until Christmas. You have talked and talked and you do not want to drag him down the aisle. He doesn't want to get married.

mathanxiety · 10/09/2017 06:19

Lost a sentence there - got dumped by her longstanding DP who got another woman pregnant. The pregnant woman arrived on the doorstep and announced she was moving in, seemed surprised to see the woman I know living there.

I realise being married isn't any guarantee that this won't happen, but if someone has such cold feet about commitment, you have to ask yourself why he is holding back.

whiteroseredrose · 10/09/2017 06:22

Ultimatums never work.

It did for me!

But then I'd been upfront from the start. I wasn't interested in long term living together without marriage. Been there, done that. And I definitely wanted children.

So when we'd been together 2 years I said that he needed to have a think about whether he wanted a long term future for us. If so, we needed to start planning the wedding. If not I'd need to start looking for someone else.

My thinking was if he wanted me forever why not marry me? If he didn't want me forever then I wanted to see if I could find someone that did!

We've been married nearly 20 years and are happier than ever.

eddielizzard · 10/09/2017 06:32

you've got your head screwed on straight. i wouldn't be happy moving in your situation, just as your business is taking off, plus leaving friends and family. there's nothing in it for you.

Sodaface · 10/09/2017 06:47

Mytil that's a shitty thing to say & you clearly have issues!

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 06:47

I wouldnt move wiyhout being married. I would not settle for an engagement. He can still put it off.

Do not give up your life here and business. He doesnt want to marry you.

Is there a chance he is hoping you refuse to go?

I have to say though, i wouldnt be happy in a realtionship where everyone (including my partner) thought i was 'punching', where the partner was 'the boss' and it was an expectation that i would do everything and anything for them, for the rest of my life.

TammySwansonTwo · 10/09/2017 07:58

No, YANBU. Do you have children? I would caution you very strongly about moving away from your support network if you have plans for kids - I have twins and no family or close friends around and it's so incredibly hard.

Hapaxlegomenon · 10/09/2017 08:32

*So when we'd been together 2 years I said that he needed to have a think about whether he wanted a long term future for us. If so, we needed to start planning the wedding. If not I'd need to start looking for someone else.

My thinking was if he wanted me forever why not marry me? If he didn't want me forever then I wanted to see if I could find someone that did!*

This is very sensible. I can't understand why some women hang around for ages waiting for some sort of commitment, because it shouldn't take longer than a couple of years to decide. OP, alarm bells rung for me when he said that marriage was off the cards while you were in debt. If he believed in you and wanted to spend his life with you I can't imagine why that would be a factor. Finances will change throughout your lives together.

dontslouchdarling · 10/09/2017 08:35

Just because he doesn't want to get married doesn't mean he's not committed. Perhaps he just doesn't want to be married. Marriage and commitment are not mutually exclusive.

I'm not and never have been bothered about "being married". Doesn't stop me being totally committed to DP for the last 15 years. There are other ways to protect your financial position if necessary.

dontslouchdarling · 10/09/2017 08:41

Sorry pressed post too soon...

What I'm trying to say is that the marriage thing might be a bit of a red herring. The key point is whether you're able to discuss a future that works for you both and it seems as if he is making that difficult which would certainly give me pause. You need to feel as if you're on the same page and communicating effectively before making any big decision like moving.

dontslouchdarling · 10/09/2017 08:42

...or what slothface said...and a lot better!

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 08:43

The op wants to get married. It doesnt matter that you are happy not to. She wants to have marriage as security if they move away and she gives up her business for him.

When moving country its much easier to have security if you are married. Rather than legal agreements that may not be valid in the country you are in.

number1wang · 10/09/2017 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontslouchdarling · 10/09/2017 08:46

I know she wants to get married. But he might not want to. I was trying to say that that doesnt necessarily mean he's not committed to her.

YellowFlower201 · 10/09/2017 08:47

Good job for setting yourself a deadline. Please stick to it!! I think you know where this is going...Flowers

SoPassRemarkable · 10/09/2017 08:48

I told dh 15 years ago that we either needed to get married or separate. Some might see it that I dragged him unwillingly down the aisle.

But as I see it I gave him a choice. For me those were the options and I told him straight. I wasn't prepared to stay in the relationship unless we were married.

He agreed and we were married a few months later.

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 08:49

I was trying to say that that doesnt necessarily mean he's not committed to her.

But he is happy for her to leave her business and security here and move with him. He isnt thinking of her future security. That doesnt sound committed. She will be relying on him when they move. For at least a while.

I dont think commitment = marriage. And it should be the people involveds decision.

But when you are asking a partner to give up so much. You should make sure they are secure. Thats commitment.

ferrier · 10/09/2017 08:50

I think you should see how the relationship goes with him wherever he goes to and you still where you are now. If it survives that then it's time to discuss how to make it work long term.

dontslouchdarling · 10/09/2017 08:52

Gorgo I agree. As I think my second post makes clear.

stumblymonkeyagain · 10/09/2017 09:03

Honestly....I wouldn't want to be in a relationship in my 30s where we couldn't have a lovely sensible conversation about marriage.

The way he closed the conversation down would be a red flag for me and I would be considering moving on...

stumblymonkeyagain · 10/09/2017 09:04

...and I agree that engaged isn't committed. It's just a ring.

Original poster
KeepCalmAndTrotOn · 10/09/2017 09:05

Sorry, I think I sounded like a complete dick with my post last night re him 'punching' etc. All I really meant is that he, seemingly adores me in every day life, always prioritises me and puts me first etc, is loving, kind. I'm always being told my family and friends how lovely he is, how lucky I am etc. It seems he'll do anything for me...except marry me.

I'm struggling this morning. I've took the dogs out for a long walk very early just to avoid him really. I think this thread has just heightened my frustration and anger towards him and this 'situation' and I'm struggling to talk to him normally etc, as all I really want to do is have this out once and for all.

I'm feeling pissed off that I let him silence me in the restaurant and nothing has been said since. He's probably smugly thinking he's got away with avoiding the subject for another 12 months again.

Except this time he won't. Because I'm fed up and have had enough, even without a potential move in sight, I get asked (groan Angry ) almost on a monthly basis by SOMEONE now 'hasn't he put a ring on it yet? Har har' we were at a wedding last weekend and got asked, in front of him by about 4 different people throughout the day 'You two not engaged yet?' 'It'll be you two next' etc etc. By the time the last person said it, I'd had a few and laughed scornfully, said 'Yeh right, that'll be the day, hell would freeze over before he proposes.' And walked off, he stood there a bit bewildered I think. How the fuck can he be bewildered?! He KNOWS what I want.

I'm just tired of it all this morning. It's another 6 weeks yet until they announce who is going at his work, it's going to be a long 6 weeks. It's also going to be a long few months until my birthday. I need to start my exit plan, I've just got so much going on at the moment, I'm exhausted and the thought of having to pack up my life from him and leave (and leave my dogs too as I would have to go into rental) is just terrifying and heart breaking Sad

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/09/2017 09:07

I think you may already have your answer.
It's much better to know where you stand, than to keep on wondering,
You sound to be doing very well for yourself, and have direction.
I don't think you have been unreasonable at all, but neither do I think you should wait around for him, time waits for no one.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/09/2017 09:07

Commitment is, obviously, possible without marriage, but if one party is asking the other to sacrifice pretty much their entire life, that person asks for the commitment of marriage so they feel secure taking such a step, and the one demanding the commitment refuses or tries to shut the conversation down, that's a whole Communist party convention of red flags. It says a lot, in this instance, about the dp's view of OP, or perhaps of women in general - that their lives, relationships and achievements are of so little significance that they should be expected to revolve around the man without receiving anything in return.

mytilini, don't be silly.

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