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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
Phosphorus · 08/09/2017 10:54

Your DH is unreasonable.

Surely he can check a calendar?

Your SIL is perfectly entitled to assume he isn't an idiot who needs his wife to read a calendar for him.

jay55 · 08/09/2017 10:55

Your husband was unreasonable to not check the date first.

liz70 · 08/09/2017 10:56

Your DH is the unreasonable one for not mentioning it to you sooner.

FreudianSlurp · 08/09/2017 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItWentInMyEye · 08/09/2017 10:58

Sorry, YABU. Well, your DH is for not checking and getting straight back to her to let her know it didn't work.

KityGlitr · 08/09/2017 10:58

Yep your DH is the unreasonable one, not your SIL. Why should she have to change her and every other attendee's plans because your DH is acting like he's incapable of reading a calendar/sending you a text about it? She shouldn't have to bypass him to speak to you about it, he's a grown man.

And you sound a bit entitled just assuming they can move the meal tbh. It'd be one thing if you apologised and said you know it's a pain but is there any chance the meal can be moved and you understand if not... but from the sounds of it you basically assumed everyone else would cater to you and DH in moving the meal, when it's your DH's fault there's been a clash.

MirriVan · 08/09/2017 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 08/09/2017 10:58

Yep. Your DH is completely in the wrong here. He should have checked before saying yes. Working long hours doesn't prohibit anyone from checking a calendar or speaking to their wife.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 10:58

She did check the date with your DH.

This is his fault not your SIL

KatharinaRosalie · 08/09/2017 10:59
  • shall we book grandpa's meal for X date?
  • you sort it out sure

Your DH was unreasonable not to check the dates and you are unreasonable expecting her to change it now.

Telling her it's all her fault for checking with her own adult brother and not you is very unreasonable.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 11:00

I don't think this is my DH fault as he is a lorry driver who is at work alot! My SIL knows this. Not blaming my DH for this. If she had wanted to make family plans clearly asking me would be far more ideal. As he didn't want anything to do with it as he was too busy!...

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 08/09/2017 11:00

YABVU, your DH should have checked the date. You are being very unreasonable assuming that the plans can be rearranged around you because nobody else has plans or a life, obviously.

FreudianSlurp · 08/09/2017 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 11:02

She didn't check the date with him either he birthday is the day before the meal so just assumed the night after would do..

OP posts:
FreudianSlurp · 08/09/2017 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love51 · 08/09/2017 11:02

If you check a date with one member of a couple, job done. You shouldn't have to chase around for an adult who will take responsibility. Maybe she / someone else has plans the other night. Maybe she's annoyed her brother can't answer a simple question so took him at face value.
You might be happy to do wife work, but maybe she wanted an answer from her brother about their fathers party.
Plenty of threads on here 'why do my husband's family ask me - he can use a calendar too!'.
This is your DH being a pita.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 11:05

It's 6 adults. And Sunday does suit everyone SIL is just refusing to move it to Sunday as she had to do all the planning.

I did apologise to her. And I've now said that we won't be going on Saturday as it doesn't suit.

She was trying to make out that becos I won't miss our other arrangement we are selfish and disrespectful!!

She has caused an argument over taking the hump about a simple change.

OP posts:
booitsme · 08/09/2017 11:06

Storm in a tea cup and sounds like you've got some history with sil and honestly - it feels like you quite enjoyed telling her you couldn't make it. Sort it out its just not worth a massive row. Tell her that you are sorry as you can see that the way dh said it it seemed like you are free but you aren't. Explain you would move date if possibly could but genuinely can't. Ask her if she can move the booking and say that you and dh would feel dreadful if you weren't able to join in the celebrations. Open and honest dialogue; problem solved.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 11:06

She didn't check the date with him either he birthday is the day before the meal so just assumed the night after would do

He said for her to sort it out.

She did.

Maybe if it us that inconvenient he should have helped rather than palming his sister off.

WeatherDependent · 08/09/2017 11:08

Nobody ever asks my DH whether we're available, everything annoyingly goes through me. He is completely hopeless with dates, my SIL would always confirm with me as she knows how useless he is.

They're both being unreasonable.

MargaretTwatyer · 08/09/2017 11:08

Why didn't he text her back and say 'Ask hillside then? Most people have calendars on their phones these days so there's no reason why he shouldn't know.

You're both being really out of order leaving it all to her without any guidance then expecting it all to be arranged to suit you.

Is this a reverse?

KatharinaRosalie · 08/09/2017 11:08

It would not occur to me to check with BIL if I was organising a meal for my dad and had already talked to my sister about it, who said OK.

MargaretTwatyer · 08/09/2017 11:10

She's already put all the work into arranging it and now she has to do even more to rearrange just because you two are disorganised and a bit selfish. Can't you see why she's pissed off?

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 11:10

Weatherdepenant. if only my MIL and SIL DID this. There would be far less arguments and we might all get along!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 08/09/2017 11:12

Even if your DH has been working very long hours (6 days a week 14 hour days for a lorry driver is probably illegal btw) has he really not had time/remembered to text or mention it to you in whatever time he's known?

The issue is that he forgot/couldn't be arsed not that SIL is being awkward although if it's only six people and the restaurant has space, I can't see why it can't be moved tbf.