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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
anothermalteserplease · 08/09/2017 12:05

I hope your H has spoken to his sister and apologized for the mess he's caused. It sounds like you're the organizer of family life but do you leave time to be with family, especially your DH's family?
I'd be annoyed at my night out being changed from Saturday to Sunday even if I was free. If you've got work, school runs etc on the Monday then going out on the Sunday just isn't as relaxing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2017 12:07

Your DH IS at fault, however much you'd like to blame your SIL.
He should have either told her to check dates with you, or remembered to tell you straight away what the date was so you could have told her straight away (or he could have but I get that he's too busy to bother).

Your SIL is unreasonable to get the hump with you - it's really not your fault - but you're not helping the situation by refusing to lay blame where it actually belongs, at your DH's door.

LML83 · 08/09/2017 12:11

Sil asked dh he should have learned from previous events to check wirh you or direct sister to you. He agreed without checking and now has to miss his dad's birthday. Very thoughtless if him.

scallopsrgreat · 08/09/2017 12:19

Loving how you think rearranging an event around you is a "simple change".

That aside as others have said, you have a DH problem not and SIL/MIL problem. Classic - sets off chain of events due to incompetence. Has women running around after him wringing their hands. Never required to take responsibility and never made the villain of the place. Men: pitting women against each other.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 12:20

Ok fine agreed DH has to take some of the responsibility.
SIL will hopefully know now for any future events to ask me about dates and times..

OP posts:
Idontevencareanymore · 08/09/2017 12:20

How do you and your husband manage to go anywhere together? He's obviously too busy working to even make a plan with his wife.......

You're Bu. Your husband is to blame, you're blaming sil for your lack of communication with your own husband after he told her to plan and get on with it. Then you're assuming your life prioritises everyone else's by having the date moved to suit you.

All because you don't communicate.

I'd be having my husbands ear chewed off for this and apologising to sil.

scallopsrgreat · 08/09/2017 12:21

Tell your DH to sort it out with SIL. He is the one who made the arrangement. He can sort it out.

scallopsrgreat · 08/09/2017 12:22

Ok fine agreed DH has to take some of the responsibility.

SIL will hopefully know now for any future events to ask me about dates and times..

Oxymoron there...

scallopsrgreat · 08/09/2017 12:23

What you do is let SIL carry on ringing your DH abaout arrangement and when he gets them wrong he sorts them out. He'll soon start learning how to look at a calendar then.

diddl · 08/09/2017 12:31

"SIL will hopefully know now for any future events to ask me about dates and times.."

Why should she treat him like an incapable twat?

If she asks him he then tells her to check with you or that he will get back to her.

SIL doesn't have to stop asking her brother stuff if she doesn't want to.

Beadieeye · 08/09/2017 12:40

Your DH was at fault, yabu to put the blame on her. She wouldn't have thought she had to consult directly with her brother's wife because he's an incapable silly billy when it comes to family stuff/knowing what plans he has. Quite old fashioned!
You shouldn't have rang the venue, these are your SIL's plans. They might be free another night, but she's made arrangements with her family for the night in question. Can't put everyone out just because you had other plans that she didn't know about.
Now you need to prioritise between what was already arranged or FIL's birthday outing. Any fallout is for DH to deal with.

opinionatedfreak · 08/09/2017 12:41

Oh FFS stop blaming other people for your husbands fuck up.

He needs to learn to either check the family calendar or say ask DW.

THIS IS NO-ONE ELSE FAULT BUT HIS!

And my first port of call for family shit would be my brother not his wife. Because you know my brother is my brother and I'm not actually related to his wife although I do love her and she is brilliant with our varied eccentric and dotty elderly relatives.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 12:43

Ok fine agreed DH has to take some of the responsibility.

No all the responsibility.

SIL will hopefully know now for any future events to ask me about dates and times

No she shouldn't have to! Your DH needs to buck his ideas up.

BMW6 · 08/09/2017 12:44

OP your DH has to take more than some of the responsibility!!!
Why are you being such a tit? Your SIL did nothing wrong here!

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/09/2017 12:44

Yabu for thinking your sil wbu, when actually, it's your dh who wtu one!!!

PoorYorick · 08/09/2017 12:50

I love how you still blame your SIL right after accepting it's your husband's fault.

TieGrr · 08/09/2017 12:51

*Ok fine agreed DH has to take some of the responsibility.

SIL will hopefully know now for any future events to ask me about dates and times..*

Oh, FGS. How hard is it for DH to text or ring you and say 'SIL is planning an event for such-and-such day. Do we have anything else on?'

PoorYorick · 08/09/2017 12:51

You need the bloody Google Calendar app. Then your husband can easily check dates any time. Even if he does have a job.

FrancisCrawford · 08/09/2017 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 08/09/2017 13:04

I agree that dh needs to sort it out and then he won't be so careless/ casual in future.

You seem to be constantly defending your dh against your SIL, when they both play a part. SIL for refusing to budge and deal with the adult who knows the family plans, and dh for refusing to refer things to you if he cannot deal with them, or deal with them properly himself.

He really needs to sort this one out, OP, not you.

PS. I am sooo interested as to what the unchangeable plan is! It may be helpful to share that so we have some ideas as to how it could be worked around.

Ceto · 08/09/2017 13:05

I don't think this is my DH fault as he is a lorry driver who is at work alot!

How does that stop him phoning you or texting to check the date? Presumably he stops for breaks from time to time? In fact, I'd be prepared to bet he has a hands-free phone in the cab which gives him several hours to phone you.

MerryMarigold · 08/09/2017 13:07

Your SIL did nothing wrong here

I think she did actually, because if this repeatedly happens then it is a bit obtuse of her not to contact the OP directly. My BIL's wife is the 'calendar' in their house, and whilst it is a bit irritating, that's how their marriage works so who am I to keep going to my BIL with arrangements? If I do, it just gets ignored or dealt with casually with a throwaway comment such as the OPs husband made. I know this. I also know they are difficult people and would never change a plan for us, so I make sure I deal with SIL not BIL even though he is the 'direct' family connection.

splendide · 08/09/2017 13:07

Quite right OP. I have a job myself so my mum knows that she must check arrangements with my DH even if I have agreed to something.

Oh shit though, what happens when BOTH parts of a couple have important lorry driver type jobs!?!

KatharinaRosalie · 08/09/2017 13:10

Oh shit though, what happens when BOTH parts of a couple have important lorry driver type jobs!?!

My MIL, SIL, mum and sister of course call my 4-year old. He says yes sure to everything as well.

splendide · 08/09/2017 13:12

Oh good idea Katherine, henceforth I shall declare my 2 year old as social secretary.