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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
Textpectation · 08/09/2017 13:15

Yabu.

If I was your SIL, I wouldn't want to engage with you about arrangements either. Your OH is being a useless twat. Get a calendar app that you and your OH can manage and access. Or do what everyone else does and pretend you have a paper calendar or diary so you can check before committing and come up with an excuse when you don't want to attend something.

Textpectation · 08/09/2017 13:17

Or you can make arrangements and book meals out. You can ring whomever you like to make arrangements. Some of the wimin may direct you to their menfolk.

valeinoyikbuno · 08/09/2017 13:17

Ok fine agreed DH has to take some of the responsibility.
SIL will hopefully now know for any future events to ask me about dates and times..

bit of a non-sequiture there. You agree this mess was caused by your DH. You then go on to say that in future your SIL should now know to not trust your DH. Why is the lesson learned not that your DH needs to know not to agree to dates and times without checking the family calendar? Why is it the women who have to accommodate a man's unwillingness to take responsibility?

BunsforTea · 08/09/2017 13:18

Why are you letting your husband's shitlessness undermine your relationship with your SIL and MIL, unless you want an excuse to be on bad terms with them?

Probably SIL is pig sick of having to do all the family grind - because not having a penis she obviously can't have anything more pressing or important to do - and wishes her brother would take some responsibility stop acting like a 12-year-old. And instead of backing her up, you enable him. Repeatedly.

EternalOptimistToo · 08/09/2017 13:28

Sorry but why on earth should your ur SIL have to contact you and not your DH, her dbro?
Is he that incompetent that he can't look at a calendar or take responsibility to check with you to see the date was OK with you too?

You are pandering his 'inability' to take responsibility if not creating it. Sorry but a grown up man, busy or not, should be able to take care of his own calendar and check his own availability.

londonista · 08/09/2017 13:30

It always amazes me how quick people are to pick fights with their in-laws. You're all stuck together for the long-haul you realise? A certain amount of tongue-biting is required, in my experience (tongue bitten red raw some days....). I don't want to put my husband or my kids in a difficult situation, I try not to bitch about them to him, he is so close to them, he would obviously support me, but I don't want him to ever feel that he ever needs to take sides.

I think you should ask your husband to ring the SIL (his sister?) and say "look I fucked up, and I'm in shit over it, is there anything to be done, because we really want to be there", and if not, well then, you've done all you can, and will have to arrange a separate celebration. Good luck I hope it works itself out.

twattymctwatterson · 08/09/2017 13:31

OP do you feel like it's the responsibility of the women in the family to baby the men and look after them? Aren't you sick of having to pick up the slack because your DH thinks he's above "wife work"?
This is not your SIL's fault in any way. No she shouldn't "know better" next time because your husband, her brother should be the person she deals with in relation to his side of the family.

BookingDotComAreTwats · 08/09/2017 13:31

Ahhh - I see now - it's obvious from your posts that you and your DH are so much more BUSY and IMPORTANT than everyone else. The minions should actually be honoured they are given the opportunity to reorganise everything at the last minute to suit you.

Wordsmith · 08/09/2017 13:37

You're all unreasonable.

Your husband is unreasonable for not checking the date, or telling his sister to check with you.

You are unreasonable for blaming his sister and not your husband for the cock up in the first place.

She is unreasonable for refusing to change the date.

grannytomine · 08/09/2017 13:44

Sorry but why on earth should your ur SIL have to contact you and not your DH, her dbro? Because the OP is an adult with a life of her own and not her husband's shadow?

pictish · 08/09/2017 13:49

I agree with everyone else and I'm glad you're taking it on board. Your dh caused this by agreeing to the dinner then not bothering to tell you about it. Your sil is not at fault, your dh messed up.

Your stance that your dh is just far too busy with work to be troubled with trivia such as arranging to see his own family, is bullshit.
I have a job, my dh has a job, everyone has a job. Lots of people even work long hours. Your dh is not special in that respect. Your sil did what I would do and checked with her brother regarding a meal out with their father. This is normal. If he has form for being a lazy, disinterested flake when it comes to his family, that's on him.
You don't need to play mother here. You're not his mother. x

LML83 · 08/09/2017 13:52

Hopefully DH will finally have learned to actually check with you or admit 'i don't know ask wife'

Gorgosparta · 08/09/2017 13:55

I can understand why she would be upset, but she should be upset with your husband, not with you as he's the one who wasn't more direct about your availability.

However now op is blaming the sil. I would be pissed off with op now.

ajandjjmum · 08/09/2017 14:05

OP - Did you not think to check if you would be celebrating your FIL's birthday before you committed to whatever you have planned for the Saturday evening?

DH doesn't always communicate well Grin, but I would have said 'we've been invited to so and so, but it's your Dad's birthday weekend - are we doing anything?', and he would have said 'shit yes, DS mentioned doing something that night'.

SonicBoomBoom · 08/09/2017 14:05

But he's a lorry driver! Mitigating factor, people!

jessepinkwoman · 08/09/2017 14:16

OP you don't say what your unchangeable plans are.

Something like a wedding - then yeh, your SIL is being unreasonable.

Sparkletastic · 08/09/2017 14:20

Your DH should apologise to his sister and ask if she might allow him / you to reschedule it for the next day. Don't ask her to do that as she's been inconvenienced enough.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2017 14:20

I agree with getting your dh to call and telling her he fucked up and asking if there is anything can be done to change the date.

I also think you could perhaps text your sil and apologise to her on your dh's and your behalf. Say you'd really love to be there and ask her to contact you for arrangements to avoid future misunderstandings.

If all of this fails, then organise your own meal the day after or sometime soon.

pictish · 08/09/2017 14:30

I agree your dh sort this out, firstly by apologising to his sister.

Yokohamajojo · 08/09/2017 14:40

Maybe your DH should help his sister out by organising their father's birthday next time! oh no that wouldn't happen but she still does it and gets the blame if something goes wrong....

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 14:57

You agree this mess was caused by your DH. You then go on to say that in future your SIL should now know to not trust your DH. Why is the lesson learned not that your DH needs to know not to agree to dates and times without checking the family calendar? Why is it the women who have to accommodate a man's unwillingness to take responsibility?

THIS WITH FUCKING KNOBS ON!

WhereDidThatTurtleComeFrom · 08/09/2017 15:00

Your husband is an adult who can either help arrange something and not leave it to his sister to do all the work, or ask you a question. Your sil is not being unreasonable

Amaried · 08/09/2017 15:12

Sweetest Jesus!
That was hard reading. Assuming that there was loads of back story here as you are being completely bonkers. Your poor sil checked before she booked . Booked it all and now it's her being awkward cause she should have know that because your dh has a job. He couldn't be trusted to answer correctly and now this is all her fault..

OutToGetYou · 08/09/2017 15:38

I'd be most unimpressed if an in-law felt they had to call me not their own relative to sort some plans.

And the other way around, I'd be Hmm if any of my family called my partner to ask what we were doing.

Even more odd if they had to call both of us to check, that's nutso!

You deal with your family, they deal with theirs, and you both communicate with each other - either via an app, text, wall chart, semaphore....whatever works, but not nothing.

schoolgaterebel · 08/09/2017 15:55

Your DH is at fault here and YABU.