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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/09/2017 11:34

You are right, the sensible thing would be for them to contact you.

However, perhaphs they want their brother/son to take an active interest in their (wider) family & don't think they should have to ask his wife?

Your DH shouldn't have said 'you organise it' he should have said 'Please ring WIFE to see when we are free. Thanks for organsing it'.

...each & everytime.

ThisMorningWentBadly · 08/09/2017 11:35

Sorry I think it's your DH fault to. He should have either checked the date on the calendar (not particularly taxing) or asked you to talk to SIL. I'm not surprised she's pissed off especially as this isn't the first time.

MissingPanda · 08/09/2017 11:38

Even if the restaurant could move the booking it doesn't mean that everyone who has been invited and confirmed for the Saturday would be able to come on the Sunday. Depending on the amount of notice given I'd have to either ask for an early shift, the day off or book it as an holiday. I'd be annoyed if I was then told of a change of date which could mean that I then couldn't make it and had possibly wasted a day's annual leave.

Your DH needs to learn to check a calendar and take responsibility for making sure whether or not you're available, or at the very least ask you first before confirming with his DSIS.

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 11:38

Perfectly reasonable for the SIL to be arsey.

Seeingadistance · 08/09/2017 11:39

YABU!

Your DH is clearly useless, and I don't know why you are insisting he is blameless. His sister asked him about an event for their father, and he was happy for her to make the arrangements.

She made the arrangements and now you're unhappy!

KityGlitr · 08/09/2017 11:39

"I don't think this is my DH fault as he is a lorry driver who is at work alot! My SIL knows this. Not blaming my DH for this. If she had wanted to make family plans clearly asking me would be far more ideal. As he didn't want anything to do with it as he was too busy!..."

Um... working a lot and being a lorry driver is no excuse for being sloppy regarding making and keeping plans that affect other people. Come on now. It takes two seconds to make a note in his phone of the date or to text you, or ask SIL to arrange it with you. I suspect your SIL is rightfully frustrated at your inability to see your DH's role in this. Are you saying that SIL should assume that as you're the one with the uterus and ovaries you should automatically be tasked with managing the social diary? You want her to be sexist?

The sun shines out of your DH's ass and your SIL is an inconsiderate witch I'm guessing. Have I got that right?

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2017 11:41

Your husband should have said to check with you or had 5 minutes whilst he was on a break from driving to check himself

I don't think your sil is unreasonable here

Glumglowworm · 08/09/2017 11:42

YABU

DH is being unreasonable

SIL is probably very glad neither of you can make it and I wouldn't blame her in the slightest

DH is an ADULT ffs! He should be more than capable of checking a calendar. SIL asked her brother, an adult, and he said fine. There's NO REASON she should need to go through you. Especially since you sound such bloody hard work.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 08/09/2017 11:42

Just a few things that popped out at me:

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time.

That's not her fault

we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.

So she arranged something and you went behind her back...

I don't think this is my DH fault as he is a lorry driver who is at work alot!

I get working long hours, but I don't see how this makes a difference. He still has the ability to double check things.

As he didn't want anything to do with it as he was too busy!...

Again, that's not her fault.

And Sunday does suit everyone

Are you 100% sure that the others haven't made other arrangements on the free day as the event has now been arranged for a specific date? Generally I have found that things get arranged for Saturday rather than the Sunday due to work the next day/it might be seen as more of a relaxation day. Do you know what time everything is supposed to start?

elevenclips · 08/09/2017 11:43

This is all your dh's fault. He hasn't planned or organised himself and intends passively let others (you and SIL) make arrangements that now clash. If he is unwilling or unable to sort arrangements out he needs to say to SIL "Please text Hillsideboy to check as I don't know what we have got on." Just being noncommittal and umming and ahhing is really difficult when you're trying to make arrangements - he either needs to know the arrangements or tell her to contact you not just do nothing and then let the shit hit the fan - can you not see that it was him being so lax about everything that caused this?

As an aside OP most of us do work our arses off and are stressed a lot of the time - it's no excuse because instead of the nonsense he muttered to SIL, he could have said ask Hillsideboy. No further time of his would have been used.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2017 11:45

And while your DH is off driving lorries in a permanent state of panic at his overwhelming workload, you are just sitting around painting your nails, right?

This is your DH's fault.

nauticant · 08/09/2017 11:46

Having read this thread I'm now going to be slightly more wary of lorries on the roads and motorways.

SIL Just being awkward
Giraffey1 · 08/09/2017 11:46

Is your DH unable to look at a calendar? is he too busy to say, hey SIL, ask my wife? Could he not ask you himself ? Storm in a teacup!

StaplesCorner · 08/09/2017 11:46

And Sunday does suit everyone - wow, entitled or what?! Its not your business to say that Sunday suits everyone! SiL made an arrangement, your DH doesn't get to play poor hard working man because he couldn't quickly check a date. Its his fault.

Aridane · 08/09/2017 11:47

You were rude, precious and unreasonable

Crunchymum · 08/09/2017 11:48

What is it on the Saturday you can't get out of / rearrange / go to earlier or later?

Hissy · 08/09/2017 11:53

Your SIL is being U because she is venting at you!

She needs to have a word with your H

Your H dropped the ball on this. All it would have taken was to have told you about what SIL had said then you would have had half a chance to rescue this.

Hissy · 08/09/2017 11:54

but yes, absolutely, you should not need to. your H is an adult and you are not his PA. That's wifework and it's crap

Doobigetta · 08/09/2017 11:54

Maybe your SIL doesn't come to you directly because she finds you difficult and unpleasant to deal with.

When you've gone to a lot of trouble to make arrangements that, as far as you've been led to believe, work for everyone involved, there is NOTHING more annoying than one of those people then trying to change all the plans and airily telling you that it's fine because they've checked. For that alone, YABVVU and I wouldn't blame your SIL if she was just hoping you'd fuck off and not go.

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2017 11:57

Why are you and SIL getting riled at each other about this?

DH made the mistake. SIL tells you the date & you say shit, we already have plans.

Then DH & you should be having a discussion about what to do and then DH should be calling his sister, apologising profusely and asking if it's possible to rearrange. Or, possibly, disagreeing with you that the previous plans trump his dad's birthday?

Then she can call HIM disrespectful.

Either way, it's for your DH to sort the fallout, and for your DH to tell his family to check with you first not him.

You and DH decide what you can/can't do now he's fucked up, then DH takes all the flak from whoever he needs to rearrange with.

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2017 11:58

Pa ha ha ha! Toddler behind the wheel.

Perfect.

mindutopia · 08/09/2017 11:58

I can understand why she would be upset, but she should be upset with your husband, not with you as he's the one who wasn't more direct about your availability. He should have said he didn't know unless he absolutely knew you were both available or unavailable. My husband is horrible at making plans. He routinely tells people he's free when we clearly have something booked for that night. It causes all sorts of problems and stress for us on a fairly regular basis. He's also busy, self-employed works long hours, as do I. But when he does that, it's HIS fault, not mine. She should be upset with him as should you. So yes, I would be annoyed that she was being so rude to ME about it as I'm not my husband's personal assistant. In that sense, she's being unreasonable, but similarly, it isn't her fault she booked something under the impression you were both free. Definitely your husband's problem and he should sort it out with her.

blackteasplease · 08/09/2017 11:59

This is your DH's fault and not your SIL. You are being vu that you can't see that!

He should at least have said "check with dw" if he is really incapable of checking a calendar, or asking her to wait while he checked with you and then got back to her.

PatriciaHolm · 08/09/2017 12:01

Maybe she's trying to make the point that your DH, her brother, needs to adult up and take some responsibility for arrangements that concern his parents, rather than flapping his hands haplessly and wanting The Women to do that boring admin stuff whilst he gets on with the far more important Being A Man stuff.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 12:04

I can understand why she would be upset, but she should be upset with your husband

I would think she is upset with OP because of her attitude tbf.

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