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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
Twickerhun · 05/09/2017 10:09

I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect family to include both your dds. But I guess there might be an issue depending on the type of party (not safe for your dd2?) and the ages of the girls involved, your dn should get a say in who she invites if she is older not just your sil.

teaandtoast · 05/09/2017 10:11

I see why you've done it, but dd1 has lost out too.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 10:12

Nope you're not being precious. She is just as much a part of the family as anyone else.

They are being selfish and insensitive.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:13

They're all only little (4/5). I did initially make some excuses for my SIL along the lines of "well I guess DD2 wouldn't appreciate a tea party" but my DH says it doesn't matter, that's up to us to decide, and she should still get an invite. I think he has a point.

Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2017 10:13

I understand that its totally unfair for 1 child to be excluded but also it might be nice for the other child to be able to go somewhere without her sister
I don't have a disabled child but I imagine it's pretty intensive and her sister has to be affected too so maybe just occasionally she could have her family to herself? I know that my dc ( who love each other really) also welcome time with grandparents/cousins etc on their own

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:14

Yes I worried about DD1 losing out but to be honest I think she'd be happier not to go as they don't really get on and she wouldn't know any of the others either. We haven't told her about any of it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:16

HoppingGreen - dead right. She does go to parties of friends without her sister (totally understandable that only she gets invited) but I do believe that if DD2 wasn't disabled she would be invited without question. Otherwise they'd be singling one out to spend time with and leaving the other at home, which a non-disabled child would be pretty unhappy with I think. Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 05/09/2017 10:16

Family parties are for families I hate people who exclude a disabled child my family many many years ago had a child with down syndrome the one and only time we visited them she was shoved in the kitchen we never went back

PollyFlint · 05/09/2017 10:18

Is the issue that they weren't inviting parents to the party, and therefore didn't invite DD2 because she could only attend if you were there to care for her?

That's the only reason I can think of that makes it halfway acceptable not to invite DD2 to be honest. Assuming parents/other family were invited and the party is for her age group and you were going to be there to provide any care DD2 needed it is really shit of them not to invite her. Unless they were genuinely thinking that it would be nice for you to drop your older daughter off and then have a bit of time to spend with DD2 on her own for a change, I suppose. But on the face of it, yeah, it does sound rotten of them.

mummyofmoomoos · 05/09/2017 10:18

I dont thing you are being unreasonable, or precious! All we want, as parents to both regular functioning children and disabled children, is for our children to be treated the same and not for one of them to be left out or left behind. I think it is very unfair and hurtful. Perhaps SIL had good intentions regarding dropping off your DD1 and giving you a bit of a break, as she might not know the anguish you suffer when one is treated differently to another, and perhaps needs it explaining very carefully to her- its not easy, and i hope this can be sorted without causing a rift. All the best Flowers

elliejjtiny · 05/09/2017 10:19

I have disabled DC and this happens a lot to us. Yanbu.

Neutrogena · 05/09/2017 10:20

This reply has been deleted

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livefornaps · 05/09/2017 10:24

Your SIL was being horrible & she knows it.
"Giving you a break" - yeah right!
Your disabled daughter is family too.
Tell her you are dreadfully sorry for inconveniencing her with a disabled child.
Whatever the activity, if it weren't possible for your other daughter, she still could have been there at least. She still could have sensed that there were people happy to see her. She isn't going to be able to be included always because of our society's nasty prejudice toward the disabled. That's why family should make an extra effort! She is still the cousin of your niece. She is still your daughter's sister. Your post made me cry. Clearly your sister in law is among those who wish disabled people would stay at home as it's an inconvenience for the able bodied to realize how lucky they are. Good luck to your family.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 10:24

Those of you saying DD1 is missing out. This isn't some school party for friends where siblings wouldn't apply.

This is family. And DD2 is just as much a part of the family as anyone else. They are close in age so that clearly isn't the issue and OP feels she would have been invited without question if she wasn't disabled.

livefornaps · 05/09/2017 10:25

@neutrogena I think you are talking complete nonsense

TieGrr · 05/09/2017 10:25

YANBU

They're treating her differently because of her disability. DD2 might not be able to participate fully in the party but you could be there to help her experience what she can.

My DD has autism and is always invited to the birthday parties of similar aged family members. Because my aunts recognise that while she doesn't join in the way the other kids do, she still has fun in her own way. She gets to have cake, get a party bag and play with different toys or on the bouncy castle.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:26

I am worried about creating a rift, but at the same time I want SIL to know how we feel about this - I am sure her intentions weren't malicious, just very insensitive. I have a feeling DH will explain at some point (maybe not as carefully as I would though), so I might have to head that off at the pass.

I don't think it's about parents not being invited, as it's not as if we are unknown parents of a schoolfriend. We're family and we go over there all the time. We also spend lots of time alone with DD2 (she hasn't started school yet, but DD1 has) so I don't think it's about giving us time with her. And we definitely don't need a break from DD1, she's a star. So I've eliminated everything except 'because she's disabled'.

abbsispartacus Shock - that will never happen in this house!

OP posts:
Sandsunsea · 05/09/2017 10:26

Yanbu. I feel heartbroken for your younger daughter. I also have two daughters, youngest is disabled. I too would be very hurt and angry in your situation.

ChicRock · 05/09/2017 10:29

Was it a family party, or was it a party with all her similar age school friends whose parents were going to drop and run?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2017 10:30

livefornaps - that happens a lot!!

Not inviting your dd2 to a tea party is incredibly rude. Your sil is acting like a bitch. Good on you for standing up to her.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:30

Neutrogena - you're right in that I don't want to take her somewhere she's unwelcome, so she won't be going.

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 05/09/2017 10:30

That's so very mean and thoughtless - as your DP said, it is definitely up to you when she is invited to anything to decide what you think is best for her - your SIL is horrible and unfeeling and I would tell her exactly how it makes you feel that your daughter is treated like a nothing basically Flowers

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 05/09/2017 10:32

Could I just clarify - as these are school age DC and you mention other parents - do you mean this is DNiece's birthday party to which some family members are invited, or an actual family party.

If the former, then which if your DDs is in the same school year as DNiece? Because one scenario is reasonable, and the other highly unreasonable.

If it's a family party, then it's just shit.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/09/2017 10:32

Ignore Neutrogena - her/his purpose in life appears to be to post the complete "anti-post" on any thread on Mumsnet.

I don't think you were being unreasonable.

It is not you denying your DD1 going to "their" friend's party. It is about your ILs chosing to exclude your DD2 on the basis of her disability. As DD1 neither knows her cousin's friends or even knows about the party she isn't missing out on anything really.

If your MIL asks why you aren't going I would tell her!!!

stayawake · 05/09/2017 10:33

If t was a family party I would completely understand you feeling upset. But if it's just a party with some school friends etc, then I understand why both weren't invited.

Her reply about giving you a break was a bit stupid and horrible, as you'll be having to still look after your disabled child. Please don't take that the wrong way.

I don't think it's really fair that your daughter should miss out tho.